


Young and Gay and Totally Unjustified

by Sohotthateveryonedied



Category: Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Chatting & Messaging, Dysphoria, GSA Club AU, Group chat, Homophobia, Implied DickBabs, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Multi, Slow Burn, This is a chatfic btw, Trans Female Character, Trans M'gann M'orzz, Trans Male Character, Trans Wally West, Transphobia, Wally has anxiety, and movie references, it's really gay trust me, so many bisexuals, so many innuendos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2019-10-14 07:51:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 68,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17504600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sohotthateveryonedied/pseuds/Sohotthateveryonedied
Summary: Kaldur:Is everyone here? I have an announcement.Zatanna:*gasp* ur gay?!?!?!Wally:I had no idea!!!Dick:Listen, if you wanna choose to be g*y that’s cool and all I guess, but just…don’t rub it in my face pls?Artemis:God here we go again with the BLT agenda…smhRoy:You can be as queer as you want in your own home, but just don't do it in front of my kids please I don't want them to turn gay.Megan:It’s Adam and Eve, Kaldur. Not Adam and SteveKaldur:I’ll take that as a yes.The Happy Harbor High School GSA club group chat is an...interesting place.





	1. Join The Club

**Author's Note:**

> I have no explanation for this except _yeet._ I have off of school all week so expect some quick updates, but after that I have no idea how often that will happen so uhhhh...yeah. Enjoy some disaster gays, folks.

****Kaldur Durham has created the chat:** ** **_**Happy Harbor HS GSA Club** _ **

****Saturday, September 9  
**** ****11:47 EST****

 

****Kaldur has added Artemis Crock to the conversation.** **

****Kaldur has added Dick Grayson to the conversation.** **

****Kaldur has added Wally West to the conversation.** **

****Kaldur has added Megan Morse to the conversation.** **

****Kaldur has added Conner Kent to the conversation.** **

****Kaldur has added Raquel Ervin to the conversation.** **

****Kaldur has added Zatanna Zatara to the conversation.** **

****Kaldur:**** Hello, you all may remember me from our meeting yesterday. I thought it would be beneficial to have a place where we can post announcements or any other GSA-related matters. It might also be a good idea for us to get more acquainted with each other. Please contact me if you have any further concerns.

****Wally:**** we stan one (1) fearless leader

****Wally:**** also HI FELLOW GAYS

****Dick:**** *gasp* WALLY

****Wally:**** *gasp* D I C K

****Dick:**** My bro,,,,, my pal,,,,, my greatest love,,,,,,,,, wassup

****Dick:**** Kal you’re doing amazing sweetie

****Zatanna:**** hi

****Raquel:**** Hey everybody  

****Conner:**** wait what is this

****Wally:**** group chat, dude

****Conner:**** oh

****Conner:**** um hi

****Kaldur:**** Please say your name, sexuality, pronouns, and anything else you think would help us get to know you please.

****Kaldur:**** I’m Kaldur, I use he/him pronouns, and I am bisexual.

****Wally:**** okay two things

****Wally:**** (1) didn’t we already do this during the meeting yesterday

****Wally:**** (2) I already know you and dick so does that mean I’m done

****Artemis:**** You do realize there are five other people here, right?

****Wally:**** what, you jealous there’s no 1 on 1 time with the wallman? ;)

****Artemis**** :What the fuck is a wallman

****Wally:**** uhh me?

****Artemis:**** Ew

****Wally:**** R U D E

****Wally:**** and who even are you I don’t know you

****Artemis:**** Who are you?

****Wally:**** I asked you first

****Artemis:**** I asked you second

****Dick:**** Hey I’m Dick, he/him, and a sophomore. I’m bi as fuck

****Artemis:**** (She/her) Here’s to feeling bi as fuck dude

****Dick:**** Eyyyyyyy

****Artemis:**** Eyyyyyy

****Dick:**** EYYYYYYYYY

****Artemis:**** EYYYYYYYY

****Dick:**** E Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y !!!!!!!!!!!!

****Artemis:**** E EYEYY YY YY Y Y Y Y !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

****Conner:**** OH MY GOD SHUT UP

****Dick:**** Boo you whore

****Conner:**** im conner. he & him ace, junior

****Raquel:**** She/her lesbian and I’m a junior too. My name is Raquel with a B and I’ve been afraid of insects my whole life

****Dick:**** Wait where is it

****Raquel:**** Pardon me?

****Zatanna:**** oh boy

****Dick:**** Where’s the B

****Raquel:**** T HER E’S A B EE ? ?

****Zatanna:**** i’m pansexual, she/her, and a sophomore. hello fellow kids

****Megan:**** Hi I’m Megan!! She/her trans girl and pansexual :3

****Wally:**** YO ANOTHER TRANS PERSON WHADDUP

****Megan:**** H I

****Wally:**** sorry dick but you’ve been bumped to second best friend now. megan here is taking your spot

****Dick:**** Acceptable

****Dick:**** Artemis would you like to replace Wally as my best friend?

****Artemis:**** I would be honored

****Wally:**** t r A I T o R

****Wally:**** btw I’m Wally, he/him trans dude, bi bi bi, and conveniently single in case anyone was wondering ;)

****Dick:**** Literally no one was wondering that

****Wally:**** yes yes they were

****Artemis:**** Keep telling yourself that

****Wally:**** NNNNNGGGG FUCK YOU ARTEMIS

****Wally:**** wait a second

****Wally:**** rude, sarcastic, has the face of regina george mixed with a baboon when I picture you in my head…

****Wally:**** were you that blonde girl who threw a stapler at me during gay club yesterday?????

****Artemis:**** Depends. Were you that annoying guy who kept yelling “yeet” every five seconds like an idiot?

****Wally:**** ………………..I feel like this is a trap

****Megan:**** Wait so can someone please remind me of what we’re supposed to talk about here?

****Dick:**** Politics

****Zatanna:**** cat food

****Raquel:**** Turtles

****Artemis:**** Artichoke farms

****Kaldur:**** You all have five seconds before I remove you from this chat.

****Wally:**** oooooooooh you got in trouble

****Kaldur:**** And like I said, this is just for general camaraderie and in case I need to talk to everyone at once about club affairs.

****Wally:**** so basically ur just taking all the gays and trapping us in one place

****Wally:**** risky, dude. risky

****Wally:**** also can I just say I cannot wait for the moment you slip up with your “responsible club captain” act and accidentally reveal to everyone here how inaccurate that is because Disaster Kal is,,,, come se dice,,,, a treat

****Conner:**** wait so you guys already knew each other before gsa?

****Wally:**** yeah me, kal and dick are besties

****Raquel:**** Excuse me but where in the fuck is your oxford comma good sir because I Do Not See One

****Wally:**** don’t do this raq. don’t destroy our fragile acquaintanceship by calling me out like this

****Raquel:**** Hmmmmmm

****Wally:**** S HUT UP

****Raquel:**** HMMMMMMMM

****Megan:**** Artemis, I think you’re in my english class right? With Mr. Stewart?

****Artemis:**** Howdy

****Megan:****  Okay yay I have a friend here

****Wally:**** hdhsjdj ????????

****Wally:**** how could do you me like that meg

****Wally:**** I thought we had something

****Wally:**** how could you associate yourself with Her

****Wally:**** the very same miscreant who tried to take my life

****Wally:**** I have never felt so betrayed in my sixteen whole years of existence

****Megan:**** Sorry Wally :(

****Megan:**** You’re my friend too don’t worry :)

****Wally:**** ha SUCK IT ARTEMIS

****Artemis:**** Die

****Kaldur:**** I think…this is getting a bit out of hand.

****Wally:**** you brought this on yourslef buddy

****Dick:**** Yourslef

****Conner:**** yourslef

****Raquel:**** Yourslef

****Wally:**** hush

****Wally:**** and in the name of camaraderie, I have a very important pop quiz for you folks that could mean the difference between life and death depending on your answer

****Wally:**** pineapple on pizza. go.

****Zatanna:**** why?

****Wally:**** I need to know who here I can trust

****Artemis:**** pineapple on pizza is great

****Wally:**** my point exactly

****Wally:**** I could sense it from the start that you were evil

****Megan:**** I like it too… :(

****Wally:**** that’s okay megan darling I still love you even if ur a godless heathen <3

****Megan:**** Yay!!

****Dick:**** I vote Bad

****Raquel:**** Same. That stuff is nasty

****Kaldur:**** Agreed.

****Conner:**** pineapple on pizza is only good if you add mayonnaise

****Wally:**** kjkjslslsld????

****Wally:**** wHOmst????

****Dick:**** Dear god

****Raquel:**** My soul just left my body

****Conner:**** bigots

****Megan has renamed the group:** ** _****The Mind Link** **_

****Kaldur:**** Why.

****Megan:**** Sorry Kaldur. Just thought the other one was a bit long

****Wally:**** idk I think it could still use a bit more pizzazz

****Wally has renamed the group:** ** _****The Mind Kink** **_

****Kaldur:**** Wally.

****Wally:**** my finger slipped

****Kaldur:**** You are single-handedly driving me to an early grave.

****Wally:**** only if you promise to take me with you

****Kaldur:**** Deal.

****Raquel:**** Ooh I wanna come too

****Raquel:**** I have a quiz next period I didn’t study for

****Dick:**** Don’t worry we’ll rent a clown car

****Wally:**** make it rainbow or you’re straight  

****Dick:**** What do you take me for of COURSE it’ll be rainbow

****Wally:**** thx babe <3

****Dick:**** Anything for you babe <3

****Artemis:**** Wait are you two actually dating?

****Artemis:**** Because no offense Dick, but you can do so much better

****Wally:**** Say That To My Face Bitch

****Artemis:**** I don’t like you

****Wally:**** :/

****Wally:**** huh

****Dick:**** You told her to say it

****Wally:**** you don’t even know me

****Artemis:**** You don’t know me either

****Wally:**** don’t need to

****Wally:**** I know enough and it’s bleak

****Artemis:**** At least I’m not named after a robot

****Wally:**** well your hair is dumb so fuck you

****Artemis:**** Ouch

****Artemis:**** Hold on while I cry

****Dick:**** To answer your question Artemis, no we’re not dating

****Dick:****  We’ve been best friends since like middle school

****Wally:**** and if dick and I dated I’m pretty sure we would win couple of the millennium and I just can’t bear to do that to bradgelina

****Dick:**** Except for that one time we kissed during spin the bottle in seventh grade and you tasted like old fish

****Dick:**** #NeverAgain

****Wally:**** bitch

****Wally:**** I’m an excellent kisser

****Wally:**** ask roy, he kissed me once too and gave it a 7/10 so HA

****Dick:**** Okay but Roy also has a pair of lime green crocs so are we really going to trust his judgement on anything?

****Wally:**** that’s it someone needs to kiss me right now and prove this fool wrong

****Wally:**** pucker up fellas

****Artemis:**** Wally can you please not be a hoe for five seconds of your life

****Artemis:**** Did you mean Roy as in Roy Harper just now?

****Wally:**** yeah?

****Artemis:**** Oh

****Wally:**** why?

****Artemis:**** No reason

 

* * *

 

****Artemis > Bitch In Law****

****Saturday, September 9  
** ** ****12:32 EST** **

 

****Artemis:**** Your days are numbered

****Artemis:**** Get your affairs in order because I’m going to kill you the next time I see you

****Bitch In Law:**** Good afternoon to you too.    

 

* * *

 

**_**_Zatanna > Artemis_ ** _ **

****Saturday, September 9  
**** ****14:33 EST** **

 

****Zatanna:****  so…..

****Artemis:****  So……..

****Artemis:****  What?

****Zatanna:****  what did u think of gay club???

****Artemis:**** Oh

****Artemis:****  It was fine I guess

****Zatanna:****  that’s it?

****Artemis:****  What do you want me to say?

****Zatanna:****  i dunno, that ur whole life has officially changed for the better? that you’ve decided to abandon the dark and twisty lifestyle and meet some new people?

****Artemis:**** That sounds terrible

****Zatanna:**** do u think you’ll keep going?

****Artemis:**** I mean  

****Artemis:****  Maybe?

****Artemis:****  You know I’m not a people person

****Zatanna:****  we’re doing this i guess then huh

****Artemis:****  What?

****Zatanna:****  Artemis.

****Zatanna:****  i’m saying this with the utmost love and respect okay

****Zatanna:****  but u are about as social as a moldy turnip.

****Artemis:****  That’s a creative image

****Zatanna:****  u wouldn’t have agreed to go to the first meeting with me if u didn’t secretly want to get out of ur comfort zone at least a little bit, right?

****Artemis:****  So?

****Zatanna:****  so i don’t want you to pass up something that might be good for you

****Artemis:****  You sound like my mom stop it

****Zatanna:****  am i wrong tho?

****Artemis:**** No but you’re also like twelve so who’s to say

****Zatanna:****  take that back u overgrown pine tree

****Zatanna:**** but seriously, you really like gsa?

****Artemis:**** It’s not bad

****Artemis:**** It was kind of fun being with people like me, as cliche as that sounds

****Artemis:**** That Wally guy though? He’s a major asshole

****Zatanna:****  yeah i could see that disaster coming from a mile away

****Zatanna:****  i know he seems kind of iffy at first, but trust me he’s great once u get to know him

****Artemis:**** I’ll take your word for it

****Artemis:****  Btw are we still meeting up for McDonald’s because I’m in the parking lot now

****Zatanna:**** yeah, omw

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat:** ** ****Bread****

****Saturday, September 9  
**** ****14:47 EST** **

 

****Rye Bread:****  You are both officially shunned until further notice.

****Wonder Bread:**** Welp

****Bagél:****  I would just like to say that I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life

****Wonder Bread:****  I know this…and I love you

****Bagél:****  I love you too :)

****Bagél:****  MONEY PLEEEASE

****Wonder Bread:****  Okay but really what did we do

****Wonder Bread:****  Because odds are it was Wally’s fault

****Bagél:****  how dare you pin this on me

****Bagél:****  everyone knows that of the three of us you’re the one most likely to become a criminal mastermind and enslave humanity

****Wonder Bread:****  I mean

****Wonder Bread:****  Yeah

****Rye Bread:****  What’s this I hear? The wind?

****Wonder Bread:****  Roy

****Rye Bread:****  Perhaps a ghost whispering in my ear?

****Wonder Bread:****  ROY

****Rye Bread:****  Funny, it sounds almost like what my old friend D*ck’s voice used to sound like before he was shunned for all eternity.

****Wonder Bread:****  Did you just censor my name you bitch

****Bagél:****  is this about when I stole your mamma mia dvd last week because I swear I’m gonna return it

****Rye Bread:****  THAT WAS YOU??

****Bagél:****  uh

****Bagél:****  no

****Wonder Bread:**** Smooth

****Bagél:**** spoken like the true evildoer who got me shunned by my very own bro

****Wonder Bread:**** IT WASN’T ME

****Bagél:**** IT WAS YOU

****Bagél:**** Roy please esplain to this fool that this is all his fault

****Wonder Boy:**** ……esplain

****Bagél:**** QUIET, CRIMINAL

****Rye Bread:**** It was both of you actually, so you’re at fault too here Wally.

****Wonder Bread:**** And the plot chickens

****Rye Bread:**** Hello?? Movie theater ring any bells??

****Bagél:**** ………whoops

****Wonder Bread:**** Can I just say, from the bottom of my heart,

****Wonder Bread:**** My bad

****Rye Bread:**** Damn straight.

****Rye Bread:**** I waited two hours for you jerks to show up.

****Rye Bread:**** It started RAINING.

****Rye Bread:**** I got a COLD probably.

****Bagél:**** oof

****Bagél:****  okay I’ll admit it, we dropped the ball on that one

****Bagél:**** but in my defense, dick never reminded me to text you and tell you we were staying after

****Wonder Bread:**** Actually, I told YOU to remind ME to text Roy, and you said you would when you finished your burrito but then you bought another burrito and forgot

****Bagél:**** fine, mistakes were made okay

****Rye Bread:**** What were you even staying after for?? You two never stay after school on fridays.

****Wonder Bread:**** Gsa

****Rye Bread:**** Oh.

****Rye Bread:**** I thought you said you weren’t going to do it?

****Wonder Bread:**** Yeah, but Kaldur’s club captain and we wanted to support him

****Bagél:**** plus there were cookies shaped like danny devito and I had to get in on that action

****Bagél:**** you should join! it’s pretty cool actually

****Rye Bread:**** Pass.

****Wonder Bread:**** *cough* homophobe *cough*

****Rye Bread:**** Buddy you are talking to one whole bisexual.

****Rye Bread:**** It’s just not my style. You know I’m not much of a club guy.

****Rye Bread:**** Have fun, though.

****Rye Bread:**** Also because you both abandoned me and left me for dead, you’re paying for my movie ticket so let’s go.

****Bagél:**** fineeeeee


	2. (Over)whelmed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in two days? In THIS fic?? It's more likely than you think. 
> 
> I was halfway finished posting this chapter when my sister tried to steal my laptop because she got a glimpse of the AO3 symbol before I could hide it and accused me of reading porn and wouldn't leave me alone because she's a bitch so I had to quickly close the window and fend her off so..........moral of the story is I had to redo the formatting and corrections ALL OVER AGAIN and now I'm bitter.

****Group chat:** ** ****The Mind Kink** **

****Tuesday, September 12  
** ** ****09:26 EST** **

 

 ** **Wally:**** h…hewwo?

 ** **Wally:****...is anybwody hewre? (ﾟωﾟ；)

 ** **Conner:**** i am literally going to throw you off a cliff

 ** **Wally:**** fuck uwu >;c

 ** **Raquel:**** Dear god

 ** **Raquel:**** It’s like you want me to claw my eyes out

 ** **Wally:**** >:3c

 ** **Dick:**** I’m calling the police

 ** **Wally:**** (◡‿◡✿)do it bitch

 ** **Wally:**** ( ** **◉**** ‿ ** **◉**** ✿) see what happens

 ** **Artemis:**** Y’all really want to see me kill myself huh

 ** **Wally:**** go yiff furself Artemis uwu

 ** **Raquel:**** HOLY FUCKINGG SHI T

 ** **Wally:**** look I did a lot of research to harass you all with these furry jokes and the things I saw there? the things I will never be able to unsee?

 ** **Wally:****  I suffered more than you ever will

 ** **Wally:**** be grateful

****

* * *

****

****Group Chat:** ** **_**_The Mind Kink_ ** _ **

****Tuesday, September 12** ** ****  
** ** ****12:36 EST** **

 

 ** **Zatanna:**** hey conner i’ve got a question for u

 ** **Conner:**** yeah?

 ** **Zatanna:**** so i’ve seen u around school even before gsa started and,

 ** **Zatanna:**** that tshirt?

 ** **Zatanna:****  i’m about 90% sure that’s the only shirt i’ve ever seen u wear

 ** **Dick:**** Now that I think about it, same here

 ** **Dick:**** Care to comment?

 ** **Conner:**** i like it

 ** **Zatanna:**** …..that’s it?

 ** **Conner:**** yeah

 ** **Zatanna:**** okay but…do u actually own any other shirts?

 ** **Conner:**** yeah

 ** **Dick:**** But you don’t wear them

 ** **Conner:**** nope

 ** **Dick:**** because you don’t like them as much as that one specific black t-shirt

 ** **Conner:**** yeah

 ** **Zatanna:**** huh

 ** **Dick:**** Huh

 ** **Zatanna:**** this has been educational

 ** **Dick:**** Indeed

 ** **Megan:**** I think it works for you

 ** **Conner:**** thanks

 ** **Megan:**** :)

****

* * *

 

 ****Artemis > Bitch In Law ** ** ****

****Tuesday, September 12** ** ****  
** ** ****14:37 EST** **

****

****Artemis:**** Hey are you home rn

 ** **Bitch In Law:**** Yeah, why?

 ** **Artemis:**** My dad’s being an asshole and I need to hang somewhere else for a while

 ** **Bitch In Law:**** Gotcha.

 ** **Bitch In Law:**** The door’s unlocked so you can just let yourself in.

 ** **Artemis:**** Thanks

 ** **Artemis:**** Do you have any ramen?

 ** **Bitch In Law:**** No, you ate it all the last time you broke into my house.

 ** **Artemis:**** Hey, it’s not my fault you keep forgetting to go shopping. I’m pretty sure if you didn’t have me dropping by and forcing you to buy more food all the time, you’d be left eating sardines and week-old hot dogs every day

 ** **Bitch In Law:**** Yeah but I’d also not have a raging migraine 70% of the time, so is it really worth it?

 ** **Artemis:**** I’m on my way and stopping at the store for ramen

 ** **Bitch In Law:**** Please pick up forks while you’re at it.

 ** **Bitch In Law:**** And bowls.

 ** **Bitch In Law:**** And toilet paper.

 ** **Artemis:**** You’re a mess

 ** **Bitch In Law:**** Please and thank you. :)

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Megalicious ** **

****Tuesday, September 12** ** ****  
** ** ****15:36 EST** **

 

 ** **Wally:**** are you from tennessee?

 ** **Megalicious:**** Uh, no?

 ** **Wally:**** because you’re the only ten I see ;)

 ** **Megalicious:**** Um

 ** **Megalicious:**** Thanks, I guess?

 ** **Wally:**** any time, babe <3

****

* * *

 

 ****Group Chat:** ** ****The Mind Kink** **

****Wednesday, September 13** ** ****  
** ** ****08:24 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** hey who wants to play a game with me

 ** **Wally:**** I’m bored

 ** **Conner:**** sorry bud, busy

 ** **Dick:**** Same. Spanish test

 ** **Megan:**** Sorry Wally :(

 ** **Wally:**** what, are you all in the same spanish class or something??

 ** **Dick:**** Yeah, actually

 ** **Wally:**** but I’m boredddddddd

 ** **Artemis:**** Don’t you have class too?

 ** **Wally:**** nah, I’m sitting in the nurse’s office with a “headache”

 ** **Wally:**** I’m not in the mood for gym today

 ** **Artemis:**** Valid

 ** **Dick:**** Look Artemis is here, play with her

 ** **Artemis:**** Wait no

 ** **Artemis:**** I only came here to laugh at Wally, don’t rope me into actually helping

 ** **Wally:**** yeah I’ll take literally anyone else

 ** **Artemis:**** Fuck you?? It’s not my fault you have no friends

 ** **Wally:**** excuse you I have plenty of friends

 ** **Wally:**** and judging by the fact that you’re refusing to play, maybe you just don’t know how bc YOU’RE the one with no friends so checkmate

 ** **Artemis:**** I can play games, just not with annoying jerks

 ** **Wally:**** you’re just scared because you know I’ll win

 ** **Artemis:**** No, YOU’RE just scared because you know I’LL win

 ** **Wally:**** oh really? Play me right now and we’ll SEE who’s better at games

 ** **Artemis:**** Fine

 ** **Wally:**** fine

 ** **Artemis:**** FINE

 ** **Wally: …**** are we actually playing a game because I didn’t expect to get this far

 ** **Artemis:**** Are you kidding me

 ** **Wally:**** hey, I was preoccupied!!

 ** **Wally:**** it takes a lot of work to argue with you

 ** **Artemis:**** Is that an insult or a compliment

 ** **Wally:**** honestly idk

 ** **Wally:**** we…could play twenty questions?

 ** **Artemis:**** How do you even win a game like that

 ** **Wally:**** first person to avoid answering a question loses?

 ** **Wally:**** and I guess winner can pick their prize or something

 ** **Artemis:**** Fine

 ** **Wally:**** fine

 ** **Artemis:**** Fine

 ** **Wally:**** ………..who’s going first

 ** **Artemis:**** You came up with the game, smart one

 ** **Artemis:**** You go first

 ** **Artemis:**** …….

 ** **Artemis:**** You’ve been typing for five minutes

 ** **Wally:**** I’M TRYING TO THINKK OF A QUESTION OKAY

 ** **Artemis:**** Do you want me to go first?

 ** **Wally:**** NO I CAN DO IT

 ** **Artemis:**** I’m waiting

 ** **Wally:**** uh

 ** **Wally:**** what’s your favorite color

 ** **Artemis:**** Seriously?

 ** **Wally:**** just answer the question or take the loss

 ** **Artemis:**** Like hell I will

 ** **Artemis:**** I like green

 ** **Wally:**** oh

 ** **Wally:**** okay your turn

 ** **Artemis:**** What’s YOUR favorite color

 ** **Wally:**** I’m pretty sure that’s cheating?

 ** **Artemis:**** Didn’t realize you were the 20 questions police

 ** **Artemis:**** You could always not answer and I’ll leave with my win

 ** **Wally:**** JEEZ okay okay

 ** **Wally:**** yellow

 ** **Wally:**** but like. bright yellow

 ** **Wally:**** not those gross mustardy yellows

 ** **Wally:**** Are you a dog person or a cat person

 ** **Artemis:**** Dog

 ** **Artemis:**** Definitely dog

 ** **Wally:**** same

 ** **Artemis:**** Would you rather go scuba diving with a shark or lose both legs in a skydiving accident

 ** **Wally:**** shark, obviously

 ** **Wally:**** at least then I have a chance at leaving with all my limbs intact

 ** **Artemis:**** Fair enough

 ** **Wally:**** uhhhhh

 ** **Wally:**** idk what else to ask

 ** **Wally:**** what are you doing right now?

 ** **Artemis:**** That’s the most boring question ever

 ** **Wally:**** just answer the question artemis

 ** **Artemis:**** I’m writing an essay in the library and playing 20 questions with Ed Sheeran

 ** **Wally:**** I know that was supposed to be mean, but ed sheeran rocks so thank you for the unintended compliment

 ** **Kaldur:**** Artemis, I would strongly advise you to ask about how Wally got the scar on his forehead. Trust me on this.

 ** **Wally:**** hey kallie? kalerie? my darling karfunkel?

 ** **Wally:**** you are dead to me

 ** **Artemis:**** Kaldur I love you so much right now

 ** **Artemis:**** Wally? :)

 ** **Wally:**** no

 ** **Artemis: “**** first person to avoid answering a question loses” :)

 ** **Wally:**** how dare you use my own words against me

 ** **Artemis:**** Pray tell, how did you acquire that scar on your forehead? :)

 ** **Wally:**** dammit

 ** **Artemis:**** The audience is waiting :)

 ** **Artemis:**** Unless you would like to surrender and let me claim my prize, of course :):):)

 ** **Wally:**** you people are killing me slowly

 ** **Wally:**** I just tripped, okay?

 ** **Wally:**** that was it

 ** **Kaldur:**** Ask him what he tripped over.

 ** **Wally:**** WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU???

 ** **Kaldur:**** Think twice before stealing my lotion next time.

 ** **Wally:**** I didn’t even use that much!!

 ** **Kaldur:**** Half of the bottle is gone.

 ** **Wally:**** this is what I get for wanting to smell like a strawberry

 ** **Artemis:**** Wally? (◡‿◡✿) 

 ** **Artemis:**** Darling (◡‿◡✿) 

 ** **Artemis:**** Confess your sins to the class, please (◡‿◡✿)

 ** **Wally:**** I just want to say that you are BOTH dead to me until further notice

 ** **Artemis:**** (◡‿◡✿)

 ** **Wally:**** FINE

 ** **Wally:**** I watched mary poppins for the first time in second grade and jumped off the slide with an umbrella trying to fly ARE YOU HAPPY NOW

 ** **Artemis:**** Very

 ** **Artemis:**** Hang on I’m screenshotting this convo to send to Zatanna

 ** **Wally:**** N O

 

* * *

 

 

 ****Artemis > Zatanna** ** **_  
_****_  
_******Wednesday, September 13** ** ****  
** ** **08:57 EST**

 **  
******  
******Artemis:** [image sent]

 **Zatanna:** SDJDKLSJFKDLJ

 

* * *

 

 ****Group Chat:** ** ****The Mind Kink** **

****Wednesday, September 13** ** ****  
** ** ****10:04 EST** **

****

****Megan:**** Hey Alexa if a teacher makes you cry does that mean you’re legally allowed to drop the class, because this is relevant information at the moment send tweet

 ** **Raquel:**** That’s it which teacher am I going to have to beat up behind the dumpsters after school

 ** **Zatanna:**** one time someone said ur earrings were dumb and u cried for two hours how are u going to fight someone

 ** **Raquel:**** THEY WERE THE PENGUIN ONES THAT WAS A SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCE

 ** **Raquel:**** Don’t listen to her Megan honey I will avenge you

 ** **Kaldur:**** What happened?

 ** **Megan:**** Mr. Vulko said my science homework was below average

 ** **Dick:**** …Was that it?

 ** **Megan:**** I CAN’T HAVE A TEACHER BE DISAPPOINTED IN ME OKAY HE PROBABLY HATES ME NOW

 ** **Megan:**** I can’t even look at him because I know he’s totally judging me now and thinks I’m too stupid to be taking AP physics

 ** **Kaldur:**** I’m sure he isn’t thinking that.

 ** **Megan:**** BUT HE IS

 ** **Megan:**** Especially because I’m new to the school this year so it's overwhelming enough as it is and now I'm going to fail all of my classes and not graduate and end up a deadbeat and eventually die in a giant crack house explosion at the ripe old age of 24

 **Dick:** That was certainly detailed 

 ** **Megan:**** I think I’m just overwhelmed in general

 ** **Raquel:**** Oof

 ** **Megan:**** And now my teacher thinks I’m just this dumb new kid and that’s all he’s going to think about me for the rest of the year

 ** **Zatanna:**** so he told u your homework wasn’t great and then u just. burst into tears?

 ** **Zatanna:**** that sucks

 ** **Megan:**** Okay, well TECHNICALLY I didn’t cry

 ** **Megan:**** But I wanted to

 ** **Megan:**** Still do

 ** **Zatanna:**** yikes

 ** **Zatanna:**** sorry

 ** **Wally:**** can I get a Big Mood?

 ** **Wally:**** one time a teacher told me I should work on getting my grades up and I was so crushed I made barry let me miss school for a week

 ** **Dick:**** Not helping

 ** **Dick:**** Really though Megs, don’t sweat it

 ** **Dick:**** It’s like the second week of school. No one is expecting you to be a genius immediately

 ** **Dick:**** Especially because you’re new, so everyone understands that you’ll have some trouble adjusting at first 

 **Dick:** You'll catch up eventually. Just give it time 

 ** **Megan:**** That...actually kind of helped? 

 **Megan:** Thanks, Dick 

 **Dick:** No problem 

 ** **Megan:**** Still can’t look Vulko in the eye for at least a week though :/

 ** **Megan:**** Maybe once I have a 100 average and get accepted to Harvard 

 ** **Dick:**** Fair enough

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Megalicious ** **

****Thursday, September 14** ** ****  
** ** ****03:36 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** on a scale of 1 to 10, you’re a 9…

 ** **Wally:**** and I’m the 1 you need ;)

 ** **Wally:**** (jkjk you’re totally an 11)

 ** **Megalicious:**** Thanks, Wally

 

* * *

 

 ****Group Chat:** ** ****The Mink Kink** **

****Thursday, September 14** ** ****  
** ** ****05:19 EST** **

****

****Dick:**** Hey, why isn’t anyone ever just whelmed?

 ** **Conner:**** its…its five in the morning

 ** **Conner:**** why are you even awake right now

 ** **Dick:**** Because this is important to me

 ** **Dick:**** Why are YOU awake right now

 ** **Conner:**** because my dog took over my bed and i didnt have the heart to make him move so im on the floor

 ** **Dick:**** Understandable. Carry on

 ** **Dick:**** But back to more pressing matters:

 ** **Dick:**** Whelmed.

 ** **Dick:**** A healthy middle between overwhelmed and underwhelmed

 ** **Conner:**** i dont think thats a thing

 ** **Dick:**** Says you

 ** **Conner:**** says the english language

 ** **Dick:**** The english language is a weak little bitch and could be toppled by a five-man mutiny

 ** **Conner:**** i was going to disagree but yknow what youre right fuck the system lets start a revolution

 ** **Dick:**** :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Feel free to mosey on down to my Tumblr!](http://sohotthateveryonedied.tumblr.com/)


	3. Distractions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been listening to "Michael In The Bathroom" and "Upgrade" from the BMC soundtrack on repeat all day, and I swear to god at one point while writing this chapter I zoned out so hard I accidentally wrote like five lines of lyrics instead of what I was actually supposed to be writing before I realized what had happened.

****Dick > Kaldur ** **

****Friday, September 15** ** ****  
** ** ****10:33 EST** **

****

****Dick:**** Hey, so uh

 **Dick:** Remember that scab you told me not to pick?

 ** **Kaldur:**** Oh my god.

 ** **Dick:**** I think I hit an artery please come here

****

* * *

****

****Wally > Megalicious ** **

****Friday, September 15** ** ****  
** ** ****12:23 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** are you a parking ticket?

 ** **Megalicious:**** Hi, Wally

 ** **Wally:**** because you’ve got “fine” written all over you ;)

 ** **Megalicious:**** I liked the one from yesterday better, but this was good too

 ** **Wally:**** never fear babe, I am always coming up with new material for you <3

 

* * *

****

****Group Chat: The Mink Kink** **

****Friday, September 15** ** ****  
** ** ****17:02 EST** **

**_**** _ **

****Artemis:**** Can we all just talk about Mr. Smith for a second?

 ** **Dick:**** Whomst?

 ** **Artemis:**** Bald, tall, runs GSA?

 ** **Dick:**** Oh, gotcha

 ** **Dick:**** I’ve always just called him Tornado because of that one time he flipped out on a kid for pulling the fire alarm during a midterm

 ** **Dick:**** His face stayed red for like two hours afterwards

 ** **Dick:**** It was awesome

 ** **Artemis:**** My question is why is he there? In GSA, I mean

 ** **Artemis:**** He’s super nice don’t get me wrong, he just doesn’t like. Do anything

 ** **Kaldur:**** It’s school policy that every club needs a teacher to be present for every meeting.

 ** **Wally:**** more like a den mother amiright

 ** **Artemis:**** I feel bad for him. Every time we do something stupid he looks like he wants to die

 ** **Zatanna:**** when we built the tower out of shoes earlier i swear to god i saw him pull a bottle of vodka out of his briefcase and pour it into his coffee

 ** **Dick:**** One time I hacked into his computer and the only thing he had on there was dozens of files of The Office fanfiction he wrote

 ** **Conner:**** when the lockdown drill alarm went off during class the other day he just looked at the ceiling and said “finally”

 ** **Megan:**** I saw him sneeze with his eyes open once, and when I asked how he did it he told me anyone who has to close their eyes to sneeze will die first when the apocalypse comes

 ** **Wally:**** what an icon

 ** **Wally:**** I want to be like him when I grow up

 ** **Artemis:**** Don’t we all

**_**** _ **

* * *

****

****Wally > Duck Great-sin ** **

****Tuesday, September 18** ** ****  
** ** ****06:12 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** DICK EMERGENCY 911 HELP ME!!!!

 ** **Duck Great-sin:**** What’s up?

 ** **Wally:**** yeesh, you’d think you would at least PRETEND to act concerned when your best friend texts you “emergency 911 help me” in a blind panic, but okay   

 ** **Duck Great-sin:**** Sorry

 ** **Duck Great-sin:**** OH NO WALLY WHAT IS WRONG????? HOW CAN I HELP YOU, MY DEAREST FRIEND????? PLEASE DOTH TELL ME WHAT AILS YOU

 ** **Wally:**** thank you

 ** **Duck Great-sin:**** No problem

 ** **Wally:**** so remember when I slept over your house this weekend?

 ** **Wally:**** wELL, I left my binder there and I was just gonna come get it later this week but it turns out all the other ones I have are dirty because I’m not good at planning and so I can’t wear them and I really really REALLY need that one bevause it’s my last hope and Im freaking out here man hELP ME

 ** **Duck Great-sin:**** Fuck

 ** **Wally:**** was that a good fuck or a bad fuck

 ** **Wally:**** please tell me it was a good fuck

 ** **Duck Great-sin:**** I left early for a mathletes field trip and Bruce and Alfred are both out today

 ** **Wally:**** very bad fuck okay

 ** **Wally:**** I could break in through your window?

 ** **Duck Great-sin:**** In theory yeah, but I wouldn’t risk the lasers

 ** **Wally:**** what the FUCK

 ** **Wally:**** do you people live in an evil lair? ?

 ** **Duck Great-sin:**** Hey, you have to take precautions when you live in a giant mansion

 ** **Wally:**** so bottom line is I’m screwed

 ** **Duck Great-sin:**** I’m really sorry

 ** **Duck Great-sin:**** Maybe you could hand wash one really quick just for today?

 ** **Wally:**** iris already took everything to the laundromat so I’m left with literally nothing

 ** **Duck Great-sin:**** Shit dude, I’m really REALLY sorry

 ** **Wally:**** welp. guess who’s wearing a sweatshirt today

 ** **Wally:**** gonna feel like shit, but I can deal with it until I get home later

 ** **Duck Great-sin:**** Sorry, man

 ** **Duck Great-sin:**** Text me if you start feeling bad, okay?

 ** **Wally:**** thanks

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Mind Kink** **

****Tuesday, September 18** ** ****  
** ** ****11:56 EST** **

****

****Zatanna:**** who wants to earn five bucks?

 ** **Conner:**** uh oh

 ** **Zatanna:**** it’s not a scam i swear

 ** **Kaldur:**** What do you need?

 ** **Zatanna:**** i fell asleep in study hall with a sharpie in my hand so now there’s a huge black swirly on my face

 ** **Kaldur:**** And you need someone to help you wash it off?

 ** **Zatanna:**** no i need someone to draw a swirly on their own face and walk around with me all day that way it looks like we’re just doing it for a protest or something

 ** **Megan:**** Wouldn’t it be easier to wash it off or cover it with makeup?

 ** **Zatanna:**** probably, but that’s quitter talk  

 ** **Kaldur:**** Make it ten and I’ll be right there.

 ** **Zatanna:**** my MAN thank you so much

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Blondie ** **

****Tuesday, September 18** ** ****  
** ** ****16:18 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** hey

 ** **Blondie:**** Hey?

 ** **Wally:**** we never finished that 20 questions game

 ** **Blondie:**** You actually want to continue that?

 ** **Wally:**** hey, I am a dedicated person

 ** **Wally:**** also I lowkey need a distraction rn, and what better way to distract myself than by invading the privacy of my good friend artemis?

 ** **Blondie:**** Fine

 ** **Wally:**** wait, really?

 ** **Artemis:**** Yeah

 ** **Wally:**** wow, that easy?

 ** **Wally:**** I thought it would take way longer to convince you

 ** **Blondie:**** Well it’s not like I have anything better to do

 ** **Wally:**** you’re not even going to ask what my deal is?

 ** **Blondie:**** nope

 ** **Blondie:**** Unless you want me to?

 ** **Wally:**** nope, this works for me

 ** **Blondie:**** Good

 ** **Blondie:**** We got up to three last time, right?

 ** **Wally:**** technically you asked four, but I’m willing to overlook that if you let me ask two in a row to even it out

 ** **Blondie:**** Fair enough

 ** **Wally:**** coffee or tea?

 ** **Blondie:**** Tea

 ** **Wally:**** team cap or team iron man?

 ** **Blondie:**** Team Cap all the way

 ** **Blondie:**** Chocolate or vanilla

 ** **Wally:**** chocolate

 ** **Wally:**** if you had a genie grant you one wish what would it be

 ** **Blondie:**** Easy, I’d wish for a million dollars

 ** **Wally:**** wrong answer, but okay

 ** **Blondie:****??? How is that the wrong answer

 ** **Wally:**** you’re supposed to ask for more wishes, obviously

 ** **Blondie:**** That’s against genie rules

 ** **Wally:**** no it’s not

 ** **Blondie:**** Excuse you, I think I’ve watched aladdin enough times to know what I’m talking about

 ** **Wally:**** fine, then wish for another genie

 ** **Blondie:**** That’s stupid

 ** **Blondie:**** You’ll still only end up getting one wish from the next one

 ** **Wally:**** wish for ten genies

 ** **Blondie:**** Now that’s more like it

 ** **Blondie:**** Ask one of them for a million dollars and then a dog from each of the other nine so you have nine dogs and enough money to treat them like royalty

 ** **Wally:**** that’s the best financial plan I’ve ever heard in my life

 ** **Blondie:**** Is this a good distraction so far?

 ** **Wally:**** surprisingly, yeah

 ** **Wally:**** thanks

 ** **Blondie:**** Np

 ** **Blondie:**** Want to keep going?

 ** **Wally:**** bring it on, blondie

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Mind Kink** **

****Saturday, September 22** ** ****  
** ** ****23:11 EST** **

****

****Zatanna:**** 11:11 make a wish! :)

 ** **Artemis:**** I wish for the government to realize that time is a man-made illusion that exists only to promote the following of a system in which the benefits are reaped only by those in power, and I wish that the lower class will one day rise to rebel against the bourgeoisie and reset time as an abstract idea which holds no power over us, that way I can finally get some fucking sleep without being forced awake at six fucking AM every morning to get up and fulfill my role in the very system I seek to destroy

 ** **Zatanna:**** neat

 ** **Zatanna:**** anyways i wish for an xbox

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Mind Kink** **

****Saturday, September 22** ** ****  
** ** ****18:33 EST** **

****

****Raquel:**** Hey google how do I expel a spider from my shower

 ** **Artemis:**** Kill it

 ** **Megan:**** Don’t kill it

 ** **Dick:**** Kill it

 ** **Wally:**** kill it

 ** **Zatanna:**** kill it

 ** **Megan:**** None of you have any respect for nature and I am blocking you from my life

 ** **Conner:****  catch it in a cup and put it outside

 ** **Megan:**** I have one ally

 ** **Conner:**** though if it gets out and touches you then you have to kill it  

 ** **Megan:**** >:(

 ** **Artemis:**** You could just wait for it to leave and take a shower later?

 ** **Raquel:**** Can’t, I’m already in here

 ** **Dick:****???

 ** **Conner:**** how are you texting in the shower

 ** **Raquel:**** Very carefully, my friend

 ** **Raquel:**** Very carefully

 ** **Zatanna:**** guess i’ll be at the funeral for when u inevitably drop ur phone then

 ** **Raquel:**** Listen, I have been showering with my phone for longer than you’ve been alive

 ** **Zatanna:**** ur only two years older than me

 ** **Raquel:**** And I am wise enough to know that there is no way in a billion years I would ever drop my phone in the shower

 ** **Raquel:**** I swear on my own life

 ** **Wally:**** …….so anyway I’ll def be at the joint funeral for you and your phone when you drop it

 ** **Raquel:**** Please, this isn’t my first rodeo. I’m not going to dropslkoihdjfkjkpwohgeibknwph

 ** **Conner:**** ……

 ** **Zatanna:**** oh no

 ** **Dick:**** I feel like I just witnessed an assassination

 ** **Megan:**** RIP Raquel’s phone :(

 ** **Wally:**** rip

 ** **Kaldur:**** RIP.

 ** **Artemis:**** Rip

 ** **Dick:**** Rip :/  

 ** **Conner:**** rip

 

* * *

 

****New Contact > Zatanna ** **

****Sunday, October 23** ** ****  
** ** ****13:56 EST** **

****

****New Contact:**** Guess who got a new phone :D

 **_**_Contact added: Rocky_ ** _ ** ****

****Zatanna:**** can i have ur old one?

 ** **Rocky:**** Why? You already have one

 ** **Zatanna:**** because then i’ll have TWO phones, and that’s twice as cool as having one  

 ** **Zatanna:**** duh

 

* * *

 

****Zatanna > Arty ** **

****Monday, September 24** ** ****  
** ** ****07:12 EST** **

****

****Zatanna:**** wanna skip school with me today?

 ** **Arty:**** Sure

 ** **Arty:**** What do you want to do?

 ** **Zatanna:**** i got us some fake ids from that dude with the face tattoos who hangs out under the bleachers

 ** **Arty:**** Badass

 ** **Arty:**** What, are we going to a bar or something?

 ** **Arty:**** Because sorry to break it to you, but no one will ever believe you’re old enough to drink

 ** **Zatanna:**** please, if i wanted to drink i could just raid my dad’s wine cellar

 ** **Zatanna:**** i want to go to the pet store

 ** **Zatanna:**** u need to be at least 18 to buy fish

 ** **Arty:**** You……got us fake ids

 ** **Arty:**** To buy fish  

 ** **Zatanna:**** yeah

 ** **Zatanna:**** u in?

 ** **Artemis:**** Hell yeah let’s go get some fish

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Mind Kink** **

****Monday, September 24** ** ****  
** ** ****11:35 EST** **

****

****Artemis:**** [image sent]

 ** **Artemis:**** F I S H ! ! !

 ** **Zatanna:**** [image sent]

 ** **Zatanna:**** i’m naming him Spoon

 ** **Kaldur:**** I love them.

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Mind Kink** **

****Monday, September 24** ** ****  
** ** ****12:24 EST** **

****

****Kaldur:**** Wait.

 ** **Kaldur:**** Why aren’t you two in school?

 ** **Zatanna:**** whoops sorry kal ur cutting out i can’t hear u ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

* * *

 

 ****Megan > Conner** ** **_**** _ **

****Tuesday, September 25** ** ****  
** ** ****12:39 EST** **

****

****Megan:**** This probably sounds creepy, but…is that you in the cafeteria sitting alone by the window?

 ** **Conner:**** yeah

 ** **Megan:**** Oh

 ** **Conner:**** why?

 ** **Megan:**** I can see you

 ** **Megan:**** And I just thought you looked kind of lonely?

 ** **Megan:**** Sorry

 ** **Conner:**** dont apologize

 ** **Conner:**** where are you? i cant see you

 ** **Megan:**** At the table by the vending machine

 ** **Conner:**** oh i see you now

 ** **Conner:**** are you sitting alone too?

 ** **Megan:**** Kind of

 ** **Conner:**** oh

 ** **Megan:**** Yeah

 ** **Conner:**** do you sit alone every day?

 ** **Megan:**** I’m still a new kid, so I don’t know that many people yet

 ** **Conner:**** fair enough

 ** **Megan:**** Why are you sitting alone?

 ** **Conner:**** same thing i guess

 ** **Megan:**** Oh

 ** **Conner:**** yeah

 ** **Conner:**** i dont mind sitting with people though

 ** **Megan:**** Me neither

 ** **Conner:**** i meanit just looks like you might be kind of lonely over there by yourself

 ** **Conner:**** you could come sit here if you want

 ** **Conner:**** unless you dont want to, which is fine too

 ** **Conner:**** just thought id offer

 ** **Megan:**** Really?

 ** **Conner:**** sure

 ** **Megan:**** Oh, okay

 ** **Megan:**** I’ll come over then

 ** **Conner:**** okay

 ** **Megan:**** Okay  

 

* * *

 

****Conner > Megan ** **

****Tuesday, September 25** ** ****  
** ** ****13:16 EST** **

****

****Conner:**** it was cool sitting with you earlier

 ** **Conner:**** for lunch i mean

 ** **Conner:****  i liked it better than being alone

 ** **Megan:**** Me too

 ** **Conner:**** are you going to sit there again tomorrow?

 ** **Megan:**** …Would that be okay?

 ** **Conner:**** you dont have to

 ** **Conner:**** i just thought it would be better than us both having to sit alone

 ** **Megan:**** Yeah no, I thought the same thing

 ** **Megan:**** I want to sit with you again tomorrow, if that’s okay

 ** **Conner:**** i wouldnt mind that

 ** **Megan:**** Okay, then I will

 ** **Conner:**** okay

 ** **Conner:**** cool

 ** **Megan:**** :)

 ** **Conner:**** :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Raquel's phone 
> 
> [Feel free to mosey on down to my Tumblr!](http://sohotthateveryonedied.tumblr.com/)


	4. Spoopy Hoes

****Group Chat:** ** ****The Mind Kink** **

****Sunday, October 1  
** ** ****09:27 EST** **

****

****Dick:**** Happy first day of Halloween, hoes

 ****Dick has renamed the group:** ** **_**_Spoopy Scary Skeletons_ ** _ **

****Artemis:**** Fitting

 ** **Dick:**** Thank you, miladle

 ** **Wally:**** finally, pumpkin spice latte season has returned from the abyss of the Time Vault  

 ** **Wally:**** it’s the only time of year worth living in

 ** **Artemis:**** Please tell me you mean that ironically

 ** **Wally:**** nope

 ** **Wally:**** pumpkin spice is delicious and anyone who disagrees can welcome themselves to fight me behind starbucks

 ** **Raquel:**** Hey Dick, you’re rich, right?

 ** **Dick:**** Yep

 ** **Raquel:**** Cool

 ** **Raquel:**** Expect me to visit your house fifty times on Halloween in several different costumes then

 ** **Raquel:**** I plan on collecting as many full-sized chocolate bars as humanly possible

 ** **Dick:**** I support you in this endeavor and I will try my hardest to help you achieve it

 ** **Raquel:**** Thank you

 ** **Conner:**** im dressing my dog up as a hot dog like i do every year

 ** **Zatanna:**** oh my god please do and take pics because i will pay u all the money i have to see that

 ** **Kaldur:**** Do you have a dachshund?

 ** **Conner:**** nope

 ** **Conner:**** [image sent]

 ** **Wally:**** wOW

 ** **Artemis:**** That’s a big boy you’ve got right there

 ** **Dick:**** That dog is literally bigger than me

 ** **Artemis:**** What do you feed him, steroids??

 ** **Conner:**** steak actually

 ** **Artemis:**** Damn

 ** **Zatanna:**** i love one (1) ginormous boy

 ** **Zatanna:**** dm me ur address i want to pet him

 ** **Conner:**** okay

 ** **Megan:**** What’s his name?

 ** **Conner:**** wolf

 ** **Wally:**** that’s so fucking accurate

 ** **Wally:**** conner I would literally lay down my life for that dog

 ** **Conner:**** thanks i guess?

 ** **Wally:**** you’re so welcome

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons** **

****Sunday, October 1  
** ** ****10:23 EST** **

****

****Zatanna:**** [image sent]

 ** **Zatanna:**** I’M PETTING HIM

 ** **Wally:**** god I wish that were me

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons** **

****Sunday, October 1  
** ** ****15:07 EST** **

****

****Megan:**** Who would you be on Queer Eye GO

 ** **Megan:**** I call Bobby by the way

 ** **Artemis:**** Antoni

 ** **Dick:**** Tan

 ** **Wally:**** you legit wore pink rain boots and a leopard print vest yesterday

 ** **Dick:**** And I looked Fabulous, thanks so much for the compliment

 ** **Zatanna:**** i call jonathan

 ** **Kaldur:**** Karamo.

 ** **Wally:**** I wanna be the royal backscratcher

 ** **Raquel:**** I want to be the one who gifts each nominee a pet cactus to teach them responsibility

 ** **Conner:**** ill take care of the nominees pets while theyre getting fixed up that way the pets will be taken care of and i get to hang out with some cool animals and get paid for it

 ** **Raquel:**** That’s so fucking valid

 ** **Dick:**** Our first order of business:

 ** **Dick:**** Make principal Carr realize that goatees are SO last year and his outfits would look a hundred times better if he added a sequined cape which I just so happen to already have in my closet as we speak

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Bread** **

****Sunday, October 1  
** ** ****15:58 EST** **

****

****Wonder Bread has added Artemis Crock to the conversation.** **

****Bagél:**** NO

 ** **Bagél:**** DICK HOW COULD YOU???

 ** **Rye Bread:**** Now this is just bullying.

 ** **Artemis:**** Hi fellas

 ** **Wonder Bread:**** You gotta use a bread-related nickname here btw

 ** **Artemis:**** Already on it buddy

 ****Artemis Crock has set their nickname to** ** **_**_Crouton._ ** _ **

****Wonder Bread:**** Interesting choice

 ** **Crouton:**** Why thank you

 ** **Crouton:**** Croutons are stale, zesty, and delicious

 ** **Crouton:**** Just like me

 ** **Bagél:**** Artemis no offense but what the actual fuck are you doing here

 ** **Bagél:**** who gave you the right to invade our sanctuary

 ** **Crouton:**** Dick invited me

 ** **Rye Bread:**** Dick how could you do this to us?

 ** **Rye Bread:**** She’s practically my SISTER.

 ** **Rye Bread:**** Do you have any idea how weird that is?

 ** **Bagél:**** bye bye artemis

****Bagél has removed Crouton from the conversation.** **

****Wonder Bread has added Crouton to the conversation.** **

****Crouton:**** Bold of you to assume I can be defeated so easily

****Bagél has removed Crouton from the conversation.** **

****Wonder Bread has added Crouton to the conversation.** **

****Bagél has removed Crouton from the conversation.** **

****Wonder Bread has added Crouton to the conversation.** **

****Crouton:**** STOP REMOVING ME YOU LUMP OF POCKET LINT

 ** **Bagél:**** dick how could you let her in here?? this was supposed to be our bro zone!!

 ** **Wonder Bread:**** What can I say? I thrive on chaos

 ** **Crouton:**** I’m rereading all of your earlier convos now and Roy?

 ** **Crouton:**** You told me you gave your bunny slippers to goodwill

 ** **Rye Bread:**** See!! She’s already prying into what’s supposed to be a safe zone!!

 ** **Crouton:**** Okay but consider this:

 ** **Crouton:**** I am delightful

 ** **Wonder Bread:**** Damn guys she’s right we have to keep her

 ** **Bagél:**** no

 ** **Crouton:**** Yes

 ** **Bagél:**** no

 ** **Crouton:**** I’ll let you borrow my netflix subscription so you can watch that anime thing you keep talking about

 ** **Bagél:**** ………….fine

 ** **Bagél:**** guess I’ll just have to get used to having you here

 ** **Crouton:**** Thank you

****Bagél has removed Crouton from the conversation.** **

****Wonder Bread has added Crouton to the conversation.** **

****Crouton:**** STOP DOING THAT!

 ** **Bagél:**** eh, worth a shot

****

* * *

 

 ****Group Chat:** ** ****Spoopy Scary Skeletons** **

****Tuesday, October 3  
** ** ****00:13 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** someone ask me what day it is

 ** **Conner:**** why?

 ** **Wally:**** just do it

 ** **Conner:**** okay but why

 ** **Wally:**** please just do it

 ** **Wally:**** come on ask me what day it is

 ** **Wally:**** please

 ** **Wally:**** do it

 ** **Wally:**** ask me what day it is

 ** **Wally:**** do it

 ** **Wally:**** do it

 ** **Wally:**** do itttttt

 ** **Conner:**** fine

 ** **Conner:**** what day is it wally?

 ** **Wally:**** I T ‘ S  O C T O B E R  T H I R D

 ** **Wally:**** I’ve been waiting to do that since the time I forgot to do it last october third

 ** **Conner:**** i dont get it

 ** **Wally:**** buddy,

 ** **Wally:**** my man,

 ** **Wally:**** you gotta watch mean girls with me one of these days

****

* * *

 

 ****Group Chat:** ** ****Spoopy Scary Skeletons** **

****Tuesday, October 3  
** ** ****10:28 EST** **

****

****Zatanna:**** i need a sugar daddy to buy me stuff

 ** **Zatanna:**** i just paid for my soda with nickels and i have never felt so poor in my life

 ** **Raquel:**** Biche me too the fuck

 ** **Raquel:**** Hey Kaldur you’re nice

 ** **Raquel:**** Would you like to be my sugar daddy?

 ** **Kaldur:**** Um.

 ** **Kaldur:**** Thank you for considering me, but I’m good.

 ** **Wally:**** that’s right, kal is mine so back off

 ** **Kaldur:**** That was not what I meant.

 ** **Wally:**** you bought me gummy bears yesterday so I beg to differ

 ** **Wally:**** you give me candy which makes you by law my sugar daddy I don’t make the rules

 ** **Kaldur:**** I don’t think that’s how it works.

 ** **Wally:**** probably not, but I don’t care I just want someone to buy me food

 ** **Zatanna:****  wait i want gummy bears too

 ** **Zatanna:**** kaldur i’ll give you a dollar if you be my sugar daddy

 ** **Kaldur:**** That’s definitely not how it works.

 ** **Zatanna:**** two dollars

 ** **Wally:**** two can play at this game zee

 ** **Wally:**** I’ll give you four dollars and a rainbow pin

 ** **Raquel:**** Ten dollars

 ** **Zatanna:**** ten dollars and a half-used unicorn pencil

 ** **Kaldur:**** If I buy you each a bag of gummy bears will you please stop trying to auction me off?

 ** **Zatanna:**** sold!

 

* * *

 

 ****Wally > Blondie** ** ****

****Friday, October 6  
** ** ****14:09 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** question #12: how do you and roy know each other?

 ** **Blondie:**** Didn’t realize we were playing again

 ** **Wally:**** I’m curious

 ** **Blondie:**** He used to date my sister

 ** **Wally:**** seriously?

 ** **Blondie:**** Yeah

 ** **Wally:**** huh

 ** **Blondie:**** What?

 ** **Wally:**** I knew he got dumped, but I just never thought she would turn out to have been your sister this whole time

 ** **Wally:**** roy told me she ran away?

 ** **Blondie:**** Yeah

 ** **Blondie:**** About a year back she left and I haven’t seen her since, so I guess she’s liking wherever she ended up

 ** **Wally:**** sorry

 ** **Blondie:**** Don’t worry about it

 ** **Blondie:**** Was that all you wanted to know?

 ** **Wally:**** roy also said you’re like a sister to him

 ** **Wally:**** just wondering how you guys are so close even after he and your sister aren’t together anymore

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** Somebody is curious today

 ** **Wally:**** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** I’ll answer that question if you answer one of mine first

 ** **Wally:**** law of equivalent exchange? fair enough

 ** **Wally:**** ask away

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** True or false: You are in fact named after a loveable Christmas character who may or may not have a red nose and wasn’t allowed to play reindeer games

 ** **Wally:**** I am literally going to kill dick

 ** **Blondie:**** That doesn’t sound like an answer to me

 ** **Wally:**** FINE

 ** **Wally:**** it is…….possible…….

 ** **Wally:**** that that may be my middle name

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** Just checking

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** I’m definitely going to be using that information when Christmas comes around, by the way

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** And to answer your question, I used to hang over at Roy’s house with Jade whenever I needed to be away from home for a while

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** Roy and I got pretty close, and after Jade left we kind of just stuck with it since he was already like a brother to me and all

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** Satisfied?

 ** **Wally:**** yup

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** Why didn’t you just ask Roy all this? I’m sure he would have told you the same thing

 ** **Wally:**** I did

 ** **Wally:**** all he said was that you were a burglar who keeps breaking into his house and playing his xbox in the middle of the night

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** Well

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** He’s not wrong

 

* * *

 

 ****Group Chat:** ** ****Spoopy Scary Skeletons** **

****Sunday, October 8  
** ** ****20:44 EST** **

****

****Raquel:**** [image sent]

 ** **Raquel:**** Hey Kaldur look it’s your brethren

 ** **Kaldur:**** I don’t have enough data to load the image right now but I already know that is a picture of those caramel lollipop candies.

 ** **Raquel:**** They’re called sugar daddies and they are your family so be respectful

 ** **Kaldur:**** I regret everything.

 

* * *

 

 ****Group Chat:** ** ****Spoopy Scary Skeletons** **

****Tuesday, October 10  
** ** ****13:44 EST** **

****

****Artemis:**** I will give twenty dollars to the first person to smack me in the head with a hammer

 ** **Artemis:**** This is a limited time offer so hop to it, people

 ** **Kaldur:**** Stop airing your teenage angst in the group chat.

 ** **Artemis:**** Excuse you Kaldur, but this is Important

 ** **Artemis:**** It is also a great opportunity for you to make some money so really this is a gift

 ** **Megan:**** What happened?

 ** **Wally:**** artemis doesn’t trust my work ethic which I think is a load of balogna

 ** **Wally:**** balonga

 ** **Wally:**** balagania

 ** **Artemis:**** And you wonder why I don’t want to do the project with you

 ** **Wally:**** bulogña

 ** **Wally:**** hey roy can vouch for me, I did a project with him last year and it went swimmingly

 ** **Artemis:**** Oh, really?

 ** **Artemis has added Roy Harper to the conversation.****  

 ** **Artemis:**** On a rate from one to ten how is it working with Wally on a project

 ** **Roy:**** Two when he’s distracted, ten when he’s not.

 ** **Artemis:**** Thank you

 ** **Roy:**** Wait, why did you need to know?

****Artemis has removed Roy Harper from the conversation.** **

****Dick:**** Cold

 ** **Kaldur:**** What is the project on?

 ** **Artemis:**** The civil war

 ** **Wally:**** I think it’ll be fun!

 ** **Artemis:**** No

 ** **Wally:**** party pooper

 ** **Dick:**** Sorry Artemis, but I have to agree with Wallman here

 ** **Dick:**** He’s actually pretty awesome at school stuff when he’s into it

 ** **Dick:**** So I’d say you’re getting a pretty sweet deal

 ** **Wally:**** thank you

 ** **Wally:**** see?

 ** **Artemis:**** I’ll believe it when I see it

 ** **Wally:**** I think you just don’t want to admit you’re looking forward to spending quality time with moi

 ** **Artemis:**** You’re hilarious

 ** **Wally:**** what’s that I hear? denial?

 ** **Wally:**** someone who doesn’t want to admit she actually likes spending time with her new bff wally west?

 ** **Artemis:**** Wally I swear to god I am literally going to kiss you if you don’t stop

 ** **Artemis:**** WAIT NO

 ** **Wally:**** uhh

 ** **Kaldur:**** Wow.

 ** **Dick:**** Damn, someone is eager

 ** **Artemis:**** *K I L L

 ** **Artemis:**** THAT WAS SUPPPSEPD TO SAY K I L L

 ** **Wally:**** sure it was ;)  

 ** **Artemis:**** You shut the Fuck up

 ** **Wally:**** or what? you’ll kiss me to death?

 ** **Artemis:**** Fuck you

 ****Dick has renamed the group:** ** **_**_Artemis Wants To Kiss Wally._ ** _ **

****Artemis has renamed the group:** ** **_**_Dick Still Wears Light Up Sketchers._ ** _ **

****Wally has renamed the group:** ** **_**_Artemis Is Trying To Change The Subject._ ** _ **

****Wally has renamed the group:** ** **_**_Hmmm Sounds Suspicious._ ** _ **

****Artemis has renamed the group:** ** **_**_Why Are You So Interested?_ ** _ **

****Artemis has renamed the group:** ** **_**_Hmmm Sounds Even More Suspicious._ ** _ **

****Wally has renamed the group:** ** **_**_I’m Schmexy And Artemis Knows It._ ** _ **

****Kaldur:**** Stop it, both of you.

 ****Kaldur has renamed the group:** ** **_**_Spoopy Scary Skeletons._ ** _ **

****Artemis:**** He started it

 ** **Wally:**** technically dick started it with changing the name

 ** **Dick:**** Pardon me? Sorry, I was vacationing in Nepal this whole time. What’s this about names?

 ** **Wally:**** you have no loyalty and will die alone when the zombie apocalypse strikes

 ** **Kaldur:**** Wally you are five seconds away from getting kicked out of this chat.

 ** **Wally:**** THEY STARTED IT!!!

 ** **Wally:**** and besides, you wouldn’t dare

 ** **Wally:**** I’m too entertaining for you to kick me out

 ** **Kaldur:**** Oh, really?

 ** **Wally:**** really

****Kaldur has removed Wally West from the conversation.** **

****Kaldur:**** He’s in time-out now.

 ** **Dick:**** Lmao

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Kallie ** **

****Tuesday, October 10  
** ** ****14:39 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** D:

 ** **Wally:**** HEY!!!

 ** **Kallie:**** You said I wouldn’t dare.

 ** **Wally:**** IM SORRY OKAY PUT ME BACK PUT ME BACK

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons** **

****Tuesday, October 10  
** ** ****14:41 EST** **

****

****Kaldur has added Wally West to the conversation.** **

****Wally:**** GREETINGS FINE PEOPLE

 ** **Artemis:**** Oh look he’s back

 ** **Dick:**** We had a tupperware party while you were gone

 ** **Dick:**** There were goodie bags and everything

 ** **Artemis:**** Kaldur wore a lampshade on his head

 ** **Dick:**** Beyoncé performed

 ** **Artemis:**** It’s a shame you were too busy in exile to be there

 ** **Wally:**** fuq u guys

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons** **

****Wednesday, October 11  
** ** ****19:08 EST** **

****

****Megan:**** If you were a movie, which would you be?

 ** **Megan:**** I would be The Meg

 ** **Raquel:**** I love Megan’s random question of the days

 ** **Raquel:**** It’s so refreshing

 ** **Megan:**** Thank you! :D

 ** **Raquel:**** Hidden figures

 ** **Artemis:**** I would be the Robin Hood movie because I hate rich people

 ** **Dick:**** I’m rich

 ** **Artemis:**** I hate rich people except for Dick

 ** **Dick:**** :)

 ** **Dick:**** I would be The Greatest Showman because I like the circus and am not afraid to break out in song to make a point

 ** **Wally:**** I would be the fast and the furious

 ** **Artemis:**** “Fast”

 ** **Artemis:**** Not surprised

 ** **Wally:**** how dare you

 ** **Zatanna:**** the incredibles but instead of a whole family it’s just me  

 ** **Conner:**** the wizard of oz because i live in a state of constant and utter confusion while surrounded by short people with squeaky voices

 ** **Dick:**** I feel like that was directed at me and I’ll have you know I grew three millimeters last week so fuck you

 

* * *

 

****Conner > Megan ** **

****Saturday, October 14  
** ** ****14:48 EST** **

****

****Conner:**** are you doing anything tonight?

 ** **Megan:**** Not that I can think of

 ** **Megan:**** Why?

 ** **Conner:**** theres a carnival in town this week

 ** **Conner:**** i was wondering if you wanted to go?

 ** **Conner:**** with me i mean

 ** **Conner:**** like

 ** **Conner:**** together?

 ** **Conner:**** if you wanted to

 ** **Megan:**** I would like that

 ** **Conner:**** oh okay

 ** **Conner:**** cool

 ** **Conner:**** so its a date?

 ** **Megan:**** It’s a date


	5. retpahC eviF

****Zatanna Zatara has created the chat:** ** **_**Spill The Tea Sis** _ **

****Sunday, October 15** ** ****  
** ** ****16:16 EST** **

****

****Zatanna has set their name to** ** **_******Chamomile** ** _._ ** _ **

****Chamomile has added Artemis Crock to the conversation.** **

****Chamomile has added Raquel Ervin to the conversation.** **

****Chamomile has added Megan Morse to the conversation.** **

****Chamomile:**** greetings sisters

 ****Artemis has set their name to** ** _****One Black Coffee.** **_

****One Black Coffee:**** Uh oh what happened

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** Last time you made a gossip chat you made me sit through a lengthy story about the used condom you found in the teacher’s lounge

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** I still get flashbacks

 ** **Chamomile:**** that’s still an open case btw

 ** **Chamomile:****  sources point to it being either mr. heywood or miss jiwe  

 ** **Chamomile:**** the game is always afoot, folks

 ****Raquel has set their name to** ** _****Hot Chocolate.** **_

****Hot Chocolate:**** An all-girls chat? Love it

 ** **Chamomile:**** yep yep yep

 ** **Chamomile:**** now gather round ducklings, because i’ve got some tasty gossip to share

 ** **Chamomile:**** need megan here first tho

 ** **Chamomile:**** ping ping motherfucker

 ****Megan has changed their name to** ** _****Lemonade.** **_

****Lemonade:**** What’s up?

 ** **Chamomile:**** wELL since u asked so nicely,

 ** **Chamomile:**** i was hanging out with my dnd group last night, as we do every second saturday of the month

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** You have a DND group?

 ** **Chamomile:**** yes. now quiet i’m telling a story

 ** **Chamomile:**** we were at that carnival by the beach, and we saw something veeeery interesting

 ** **Chamomile:**** care to chime in, megan?

 ** **Lemonade:**** I didn’t know you were at the carnival too, how could we have not seen you?

 ** **Chamomile:**** i’m a ninja

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** I don’t get why this is considered gossip

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** Me neither

 ** **Chamomile:**** guess who she was with

 ** **Chamomile:**** i’ll give u a hint: he’s tall, has a dog that could bench press vin diesel, and wears the same tshirt every day

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** Are you serious???

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** Daaaaaaamn, Megs

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** Nice work

 ** **Lemonade:**** It’s no big deal

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** I dunno, I would call you dating Conner a big deal

 ** **Lemonade:**** It wasn’t a date

 ** **Lemonade:**** We just hung out as friends

 ** **Chamomile:**** if u call holding hands on the ferris wheel “hanging out as friends”

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** Dang Megs, I’m super happy for you

 ** **Zatanna:**** ikr??

 ** **Zatanna:**** he’s like if dwayne the rock johnson had a baby with his own muscles

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** woW really didn’t need that visual thanks

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** No she’s right

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** I’m a lesbian, but even I can see it

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** Pure beef

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** Big beefy beef

 ** **Lemonade:**** What the h*ck is wrong with you people

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** Did, 

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** Did you just censor the word heck?

 ** **Lemonade:**** You’re d*rn right I did

 ** **Lemonade:**** I’m getting into heaven, unlike you heathens

 ** **Chamomile:**** i mean

 ** **Chamomile:**** it’s true but u shouldn’t say it

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons** **

****Monday, October 16** ** ****  
** ** ****10:04 EST** **

****

****Rennoc:**** why the fuck is my name backwards

 ** **Simetra:**** What the literal fuck my name is backwards too  

 ** **Rennoc:**** your question was the exact same as mine but more literal and thats plagiarism

 ** **Simetra:**** You can’t prove anything

 ** **Rennoc:**** i have the text right here

 ** **Simetra:**** That won’t hold up in court

 ** **Leuqar:**** Is it a glitch or something?

 ** **Rudlak:**** I’m trying to fix mine but it won’t let me change it back.

 ** **Nagem:**** Who did this?

 ** **Yllaw:**** are

 ** **Yllaw:**** are you guys serious?

 ** **Yllaw:**** come on, who do you THINK did it?

 ** **Simetra:**** Dick, you’ve been awfully quiet over there

 ** **Dick:**** Hiya folks

 ** **Dick:**** Hmm, that’s quite an unfortunate pickle you have on your hands

 ** **Leuqar:**** How did you do this??

 ** **Leuqar:**** It won’t change back

 ** **Annataz:**** i like it

 ** **Yllaw:**** I hope whoever taught you how to hack stuff falls off a tilt a whirl and breaks their thumbs

 ** **Yllaw:**** you have too much power

 ** **Dick:**** Bold of you to assume I wasn’t just born with the ability to hack

 ** **Nagem:**** So you admit you did this

 ** **Dick:**** Hm? Huh? What’s that? Hum? Pardon me?

 ** **Rudlak:**** Dick.

 ** **Rudlak:**** Change our names back now.

 ** **Dick:**** What’s the magic word?

 ** **Yllaw:**** just fix it you little shit

 ** **Dick:**** Those words have no magical properties, you’re not even trying

 ** **Rudlak:**** Please.

 ** **Dick:**** :)

 ** **Artemis:**** Thank fuck

 ** **Conner:**** how did you do that?

 ** **Dick:**** A magician never reveals their secrets

 ** **Zatanna:**** first rule of fight club

 ** **Raquel:**** I can’t even get my toaster to work, but sure

 ** **Raquel:**** Be a 15 year old hacker

 ** **Dick:**** 14, actually

 ** **Dick:**** I skipped a grade

 ** **Raquel:**** Of course you did 

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Bread** **

****Thursday, October 19** ** ****  
** ** ****09:58 EST** **

****

****Crouton:**** How the hell do you control a Wally?

 ** **Crouton:**** Like is there a remote control? A travel guide? A code phrase that will make him suddenly able to focus?

 ** **Wonder Bread:**** I’m guessing you’re having a rough time with your project?

 ** **Crouton:**** It’s been two days and we haven’t gotten a single thing done!

 ** **Crouton:**** I’m sitting in the school library as we speak, trying to write the damn intro

 ** **Rye Bread:**** Where is Wally?

 ** **Crouton:**** He wandered off towards the manga section about half an hour ago

 ** **Wonder Bread:**** Oof

 ** **Crouton:**** I am literally going to have an aneurysm

 ** **Rye Bread:**** Listen when it comes to work, Wally is like a puppy. Just tell him you’ll buy him food after and he’ll get right back on track.

 ** **Rye Bread:**** It’s that easy.

 ** **Crouton:**** If this doesn’t work I am Coming For You

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Ginger #2 ** **

****Thursday, October 19** ** ****  
** ** ****10:41 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** artemis bought me chipotle!! :D

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons** **

****Tuesday, October 24** ** ****  
** ** ****07:35 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** are you a hoodie, flannel, or leather jacket bisexual/pansexual  

 ** **Wally:**** I’ll go first, I’m def a hoodie bi

 ** **Artemis:**** Leather jacket because I own a motorcycle so legally I have no choice

 ** **Wally:**** you do not have a motorcycle

 ** **Artemis:**** [image sent]

 ** **Wally:**** sHE HAS A MOTORCYCLE

 ** **Dick:**** Hoodie bi all the way

 ** **Kaldur:**** Flannel.

 ** **Zatanna:**** power move: layer a leather jacket over flannel

 ** **Zatanna:**** u all have muggle brains and a mushroom could decompose u

 ** **Megan:**** Flannel pansexual over here

 ** **Wally:**** what do you think roy would be?

 ** **Wally:**** because I don’t think there’s an option for “old pink floyd t-shirt and crocs”

 ** **Artemis:**** Please

 ** **Artemis:**** Have you seen him in public? Hoodie bi 100%

 ** **Kaldur:**** Really? I would have thought he would go with the leather jacket option.

 ** **Kaldur:**** Also, I didn’t know Roy was bi?

 ** **Wally:**** as a freddy mercury concert

 ** **Kaldur:**** Huh.

 ** **Wally:**** I’m with artemis on the hoodie thing btw

 ** **Dick:**** Hang on I’ll add him and ask

 ** **Zatanna:**** y’all are really turning this chat into a free for all huh

****Dick has added Roy Harper to the conversation.** **

****Roy:**** What do you people want from me now?

 ** **Roy:**** I was busy watching wrestling.

 ** **Artemis:**** You were watching Glee and you know it

 ** **Wally:**** roy, we have a very important question for you and the fate of the universe as we know it is depending on your answer  

 ** **Megan:**** You make your questions very dramatic

 ** **Wally:**** thank you megan, it’s part of my charm

 ** **Wally:**** so ROY:

 ** **Wally:**** hoodie, flannel, or leather jacket bi?

 ** **Roy:**** Is that it?

 ** **Wally:**** just answer the question please there are lives on the line

 ** **Roy:**** Whatever.

 ** **Roy:**** Hoodie.

 ** **Artemis:**** H A

 ** **Artemis:**** Thank you for your input

 ** **Roy:**** No problem.

 ** **Roy:**** Can I go now?

 ** **Dick:**** Nah, stick around we like you

 ** **Roy:**** This is that GSA chat, right?

 ** **Wally:**** yuppers

 ** **Roy:**** Gotcha.

 ** **Roy:**** Hi, Kaldur.

 ** **Kaldur:**** Hi.

 ** **Megan:**** I’m Megan :)

 ** **Conner:**** conner

 ** **Raquel:**** Raquel

 ** **Wally:**** do the name/grade/pronoun/sexuality thing roy

 ** **Roy:**** Fine.

 ** **Roy:**** I’m Roy, a senior, bisexual, and I use he/him pronouns.

 ** **Wally:**** cool beans

 ** **Artemis:**** Please never say that again

 ** **Wally:**** :(

 ** **Wally:**** significantly less cool beans

 ** **Wally:**** sweaty beans  

 ** **Artemis:**** Oh my god

 ** **Wally:**** you know, I recently read that babies need emotional support to grow up happy and healthy, so really you’re murdering me slowly with your attitude and I think that’s a shame

 ** **Artemis:**** Sorry to break it to you, but you’re not a baby

 ** **Artemis:**** Though you do act like one, so I guess you’re partly right

 ** **Wally:**** how dare you?

 ** **Artemis:**** You’re the one who said it first?  

 ** **Wally:**** well you can’t spell esophagus so fuck you

 ** **Artemis:**** At least I’m not a nerd

 ** **Wally:**** at least I’m not mean

 ** **Artemis:**** At least my middle name isn’t Rudolph

 ** **Wally:**** at least I can spell

 ** **Artemis:**** I CAN SPELL, YOU MORON

 ** **Wally:**** YOU’RE THE MORON

 ** **Artemis:**** CLEARLY NOT, BECAUSE THAT ROLE HAS ALREADY BEEN TAKEN

 ** **Wally:**** MORE THAN ONE PERSON CAN BE A MORON, MORON

 ** **Artemis:**** YEAH, BECAUSE YOU’RE ONE OF THEM

 ** **Kaldur:**** STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER!

 ** **Dick:**** Welcome to the chat, Roy

 

* * *

 

****Megan > Conner ** **

****Saturday, October 28** ** ****  
** ** ****15:28 EST** **

****

****Megan:**** Hi

 ** **Conner:**** hi

 ** **Megan:**** You’re not doing anything for Halloween, right?

 ** **Conner:**** not that i know of

 ** **Conner:**** why, do you want to hang out?

 ** **Megan:**** I was thinking you might want to come to my house and we could watch some movies? My uncle is taking my little brother trick-or-treating, so it’ll be just us most of the night

 ** **Conner:**** sure, i’d love to

 ** **Megan:**** Awesome! Come over at 8:00?

 ** **Conner:**** you got it

 ** **Conner:**** speaking of which, i wanted to ask you something

 ** **Conner:**** that night at the carnival…that was a date, right?

 ** **Megan:**** I think it was  

 ** **Megan:**** That okay with you?

 ** **Conner:**** definitely

 ** **Conner:**** so if we were going by that logic, then this would technically be our second date, wouldnt it?

 ** **Megan:**** Seems that way

 ** **Conner:**** cool

 ** **Conner:**** see you then

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons** **

****Sunday, October 29** ** ****  
** ** ****08:30 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** shrek is my fursona

 ** **Raquel:**** Whoever taught you how to talk made a mistake

 ** **Wally:**** joke’s on you raq, my first word was photosynthesis so choke

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons** **

****Tuesday, October 31** ** ****  
** ** ****07:27 EST** **

****

****Artemis:**** Happy halowine

 ** **Artemis:**** Haeloweed

 ** **Artemis:**** Haalloown

 ** **Zatanna:**** it’s okay take ur time

 ** **Artemis:**** Pumpkin

 

* * *

 

****Dick > Kaldur ** **

****Tuesday, October 31** ** ****  
** ** ****16:50 EST** **

****

****Dick:**** I need a favor

 ** **Kaldur:**** What is it?

 ** **Dick:**** Wall and I are going to be Luke, Leia, and Han Solo tonight and we need a third guy

 ** **Dick:**** It WAS going to be Bette Kane, but she came down with food poisoning last minute

 ** **Kaldur:**** So you need me to be Leia?

 ** **Dick:**** I already called dibs on Leia don’t you dare

 ** **Dick:**** You can be Luke though

 ** **Kaldur:**** Count me in.

 ** **Dick:**** Y e e t

 

* * *

 

****Conner > Megan ** **

****Tuesday, October 31** ** ****  
** ** ****11:01 EST** **

****

****Conner:**** tonight was fun

 ** **Conner:**** your uncle was really nice

 ** **Megan:**** I had fun too :)

 ** **Conner:**** i have a question though, if you dont mind me asking

 ** **Conner:**** he mentioned you had a bunch of siblings besides garfield?

 ** **Megan:**** Oh, yeah they all live with my parents

 ** **Conner:**** oh

 ** **Conner:**** your parents dont live with you?

 ** **Megan:**** It’s kind of complicated

 ** **Megan:**** When I came out to them as trans last year, they didn’t take it very well. They said I had to either get this “girl stuff” out of my head or get out  

 ** **Megan:**** My uncle John was the only one in my whole family who accepted me, so when my parents kicked me out, he let me live with him in Happy Harbor

 ** **Conner:**** im sorry

 ** **Conner:**** your parents sound like major assholes

 ** **Megan:**** They were just taken by surprise, I think

 ** **Megan:**** But yes, they were

 ** **Conner:**** is it bad im kind of glad you dont have to live with them anymore?

 ** **Megan:**** I still talk to a few of my brothers and sisters sometimes, even if they think I’m weird for being the way I am

 ** **Conner:**** i would never think youre weird for being yourself

 ** **Megan:**** Really?

 ** **Conner:**** of course not

 ** **Conner:**** youre a girl, and anyone who disagrees doesnt deserve to know you  

 ** **Conner:**** i think youre great just the way you are

 ** **Conner:**** …you still there? you havent said anything in a while

 ** **Megan:**** Yeah, sorry it’s just

 ** **Megan:**** Have I ever told you that I like you a whole lot?

 ** **Megan:**** Because I really, really do

 ** **Conner:**** i like you too

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons** **

****Wednesday, November 1** ** ****  
** ** ****09:13 EST** **

****

****Dick:**** Happy turkey month, friends

 ****Dick has renamed the conversation:** ** _****Columbus Was A Racist Hoe.** **_

****Roy:**** You’re right and you should definitely say it.  

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Duck Great-Sin ** **

****Wednesday, November 1** ** ****  
** ** ****10:27 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** can you cover for me in english? say I had to stay and finish a math test or something

 ** **Dick:**** Yeah sure, but how come?

 ** **Wally:**** I’m skipping to go see Ms. Lance again because I think I’m about two minutes away from ripping my hair out and I need to vent

 ** **Dick:**** Gotcha. Have fun

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Columbus Was A Racist Hoe** **

****Saturday, November 4  
** ** ****19:09 EST** **

****

****Roy:**** Is anyone busy right now?

 ** **Kaldur:**** I am free. What do you need?

 ** **Roy:**** This is gonna sound weird.

 ** **Roy:**** But I kind of need help with something.

 ** **Dick:**** Did you get your head stuck in a lawn chair again?

 ** **Roy:**** That was ONE TIME.

 ** **Roy:**** And no.

 ** **Raquel:**** That must have been a tight fit. Were you a kid back then?

 ** **Dick:**** That was last summer

 ** **Raquel:**** Y i k e s

 ** **Roy:**** Honestly, you get your head stuck in one chair and suddenly you’re the guy who gets stuck in places.

 ** **Kaldur:**** What’s wrong, then?

 ** **Roy:**** Well.

 ** **Roy:**** Uh.

 ** **Roy:**** I kind of got my arm stuck in the dishwasher?

 ** **Raquel:**** Jslkdlkk

 ** **Dick:**** Nope, definitely not the guy who gets stuck in places at all

 ** **Roy:**** SHUT IT YOU DICK.

 ** **Dick:**** Ouch

 ** **Raquel:**** How does one even get stuck in a dishwasher???

 ** **Roy:**** There was a fork lodged in the back and I tried to get it.

 ** **Raquel:**** And how did that turn out for you?

 ** **Roy:**** Not well, my friend. Not well at all.

 ** **Dick:**** I can’t help you, but can I come just so I can take pics

 ** **Roy:**** No.

 ** **Dick:**** Please I’m begging you

 ** **Conner:**** i once got stuck in a swing set

 ** **Raquel:**** How’d you get out?

 ** **Conner:**** chainsaws

 ** **Dick:**** That’s super cool

 ** **Conner:**** it wasnt really at the time, but yeah in hindsight it was awesome

 ** **Dick:**** Maybe you should use a chainsaw to cut Roy out of his dishwasher

 ** **Raquel:**** That would be too risky

 ** **Raquel:**** You don’t want to cut his arm off

 ** **Raquel:**** A small handsaw might work, though

 ** **Dick:**** Or maybe just take the whole thing apart

 ** **Conner:**** one time i took apart my alarm clock and electrocuted myself

 ** **Dick:**** That’s so fun

 ** **Raquel:**** I love your random anecdotes, Kon

 ** **Raquel:**** You should write a book

 ** **Dick:**** Did you die?

 ** **Conner:**** no but i blacked out and saw god

 ** **Raquel:**** What did she look like?

 ** **Conner:**** laverne cox

 ** **Raquel:**** Amazing

 ** **Dick:**** Maybe we should electrocute Roy

 ** **Raquel:**** What would that solve?

 ** **Dick:**** Nothing, but it would be so cool

 ** **Roy:**** Guys my arm hurts over here.

 ** **Kaldur:**** I can come help you.

 ** **Roy:**** Thanks, buddy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dinah Lance is the school psychologist, in case you haven't figured that out yet btw.
> 
>  
> 
> [Feel free to mosey on down to my Tumblr!](http://sohotthateveryonedied.tumblr.com/)


	6. *Totally Spies theme song*

****Group Chat: Columbus Was A Racist Hoe  
**** ****

****Wednesday, November 09  
** ** ****15:08 EST** **

 

 ** **Zatanna:**** my fortune cookie said i should solve all of my problems with karaoke, so legally does that mean i’m allowed to belt out the spice girls every time i take a math test because that’s what it sounds like to me and who am i to disagree with the cookie gods

 ** **Raquel:**** I mean, it’s the law so I don’t think you have much choice

 ** **Raquel:**** The rest of the world is just going to have to deal with it

 ** **Zatanna:**** my thoughts exactly

 

* * *

****

****Wally > Megalicious  
**** ****

****Friday, November 11  
** ** ****06:44 EST** **

 

 ** **Wally:**** are you a lamp?

 ** **Wally:**** because you light up my world ;D

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Megalicious** **

****Friday, November 11  
** ** ****07:07 EST****

 

 ** **Wally:**** are you made of flouride, iodine, and neon?

 ** **Wally:**** because you’re F-I-Ne

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Megalicious** **

****Friday, November 11  
** ** ****07:24 EST****

 

 ** **Wally:**** megan? you there?

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Duck Great-Sin ** **

****Friday, November 11  
** ** ****07:36 EST****

 

 ** **Wally:**** hey, you want to skip sixth period and hang out in the school basement with me? I want to see if that old toilet we found last time is still there

 ** **Duck Great-Sin:**** Sorry buddy, I’ve got a test today

 ** **Wally:**** what about seventh?

 ** **Duck Great-Sin:**** Science lab

 ** **Wally:**** oh okay

 ** **Duck Great-Sin:**** Sorry

 ** **Wally:**** nah, it’s cool. totally cool

 ** **Wally:**** I should probably go to class those periods anyway so it’s 100% all good

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Kallie ** **

****Friday, November 11  
** ** ****09:01 EST** **

 

 ** **Wally:**** howdy, my man 

****Wally:**** u busy after school?

 ** **Kallie:**** Yes, I am tutoring today. Why?

 ** **Wally:**** no reason

 ** **Wally:**** have fun

 

* * *

 

****Barry > Wally ** **

****Friday, November 11  
** ** ****11:17 EST** **

 

 ** **Barry:**** Hey, kiddo

 ** **Barry:**** Are you doing anything after school?

 ** **Wally:**** nope, nothing at all I’m totally free today!  

 ** **Wally:**** why? want to go do something?

 ** **Barry:**** I’m going to be working late tonight and Iris has a baby shower to go to, so I was hoping you could record my shows on cable for me. I also left some money for you to get takeout for dinner

 ** **Wally:**** oh

 ** **Wally:**** okay

 ** **Barry:**** See ya later, buddy

 ** **Wally:**** yeah

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Alpha Squad** **

****Friday, November 11  
** ** ****11:28 EST** **

 

 ** **Mxgxn:**** I don’t know how much longer I can avoid him, guys

 ** **Mxgxn:**** It’s killing my soul

 ** **Mxgxn:**** Any minute now my heart will give out and I’ll start coughing up blood

 ** **Zxtxnnx:**** goddammit guys i knew megs would be the first one to break

 ** **Zxtxnnx:**** she’s too pure for spy work

 ** **Dxck:**** Come on Megan, you just need to hold out for a little longer

 ** **Mxgxn:**** You should see how sad he is

 ** **Mxgxn:**** He’s in spanish with me and he looks like someone just killed his dog

 ** **Mxgxn:**** Marvin White made a dick joke ten minutes ago and Wally didn’t even smile

 ** **Rxqxxl:**** Yikes  

 ** **Mxgxn:**** Please just let me tell him?

 ** **Mxgxn:**** I won’t even say it’s a party, I’ll just hint that there’s a surprise for him later

 ** **Dxck:**** N O

 ** **Dxck:**** Megan, my darling, my angel,

 ** **Dxck:**** I love you with all my heart, but if you breathe a single word of our plans to Wally I will not hesitate to cut you down where you stand

 ** **Rxy:**** I feel bad too. We’ve never forgotten his birthday before.

 ** **Cxnnxr:**** kaldur youve been suspiciously quiet

 ** **Cxnnxr:**** i thought out of all of us you would be the one to give in to your morality first

 ** **Kxldxr:**** I do feel bad, don’t get me wrong.

 ** **Kxldxr:**** I am just distracted by the group chat name.

 ** **Cxnnxr:**** whats wrong with the chat name?

 ** **Zxtxnnx:**** it kinda sounds like a furry thing, but i wasn’t going to say anything until someone else did

 ** **Kxldxr:**** If this is a recycled furry chat I am deleting everything.

 ** **Dxck:**** Come on, alpha squad sounds cool and you know it

 ** **Dxck:**** Like we’re secret agents

 ** **Rxqxxl:**** We’re planning a surprise party, not a jewel heist

 ** **Dxck:**** That you know of

 ** **Dxck:**** First the party, then the world

 ** **Mxgxn:**** Should I bring the cakes over right after school, or should I wait for when we go to set up later?

 ** **Dxck:**** Barry said he’ll be home all day so either works I think

 ** **Dxck:**** We need someone to keep Wally away from his house until 4:00 though so who wants to do it

 ** **Zxtxnnx:**** i volunteer as tribute

 ** **Mxgxn:**** But I need you to help me frost the cookies!!

 ** **Zxtxnnx:**** oh yeah ur right

 ** **Kxldxr:**** Artemis?

 ** **Xrtxmxs:**** Why are you looking at me??

 ** **Rxqxxl:**** Because your only job is to supply party hats and you already did that

 ** **Xrtxmxs:**** (They’re Doc McStuffins ones because I have imagination)  

 ** **Zxtxnnx:**** (an excellent choice)

 ** **Xrtxmxs:**** But what am I supposed to do with Wally?

 ** **Cxnnxr:**** take him out for a burger or something

 ** **Xnnxr:**** we only need an hour or two to set up and then you can bring him straight to his house

 ** **Xrtxmxs:**** Fiiiine

 ** **Xrtxmxs:**** But someone had better make sure to take pics of his face when you all jump out and scream surprise

 ** **Dxck:**** Please, what do you take me for?

 ** **Dxck:**** I bought a new camera just for the occasion

 ** **Rxqxxl:**** Good man

 

* * *

 

****Dick > Roy ** **

****Friday, November 11  
** ** ****11:56 EST****

 

 ** **Dick:**** I have a proposal for you

 ** **Roy:**** Dick you know I would love to marry you, but what would the church think?

 ** **Dick:**** Come to GSA today

 ** **Roy:**** Yeah, I’m good.

 ** **Dick:**** Why not?

 ** **Roy:**** Well you see I would absolutely love to, but unfortunately it’s my cat’s wedding and I can’t afford to miss that, so. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 ** **Dick:**** Come onnnnnnnnn

 ** **Dick:**** Please?

 ** **Roy:**** No.

 ** **Dick:**** Pretty please?

 ** **Roy:**** Pretty no.

 ** **Dick:**** Pretty please with gummy worms on top?

 ** **Roy:**** No.

 ** **Dick:**** That’s not fair, you KNOW you want to go. You’re just too stubborn to admit it

 ** **Roy:**** I don’t even know anyone there.

 ** **Dick:**** You know me, Wally, and Artemis

 ** **Dick:**** And Kaldur helped free you from your murderous dishwasher that one time so that counts as friendship

 ** **Dick:**** Come on, you’ve got nothing to lose

 ** **Dick:**** And you’re already part of the group chat so that basically means you’re in for life

 ** **Roy:**** I would be happy to leave the chat if that helps.

 ** **Dick:**** Don’t you dare

 ** **Dick:**** Come on, what do you say? You have no reason not to come

 ** **Roy:**** If I say yes, will you leave me alone?

 ** **Dick:**** It’s a possibility  

 ** **Roy:**** Fine, I’ll come.

 ** **Dick:**** YAY!!!

 ** **Roy:**** But if I don’t like it, I’m out.

 ** **Dick:**** Deal

 

* * *

 

****Artemis > Baywatch ** **

****Friday, November 11  
** ** ****13:03 EST****

 

 ** **Artemis:**** What are you doing after GSA today?

 ** **Baywatch:**** nothing

 ** **Artemis:**** Want to grab a chicken whizee with me?

 ** **Baywatch:**** I dunno, I was planning on just going home and sleeping

 ** **Baywatch:**** it’s been a long day

 ** **Artemis:**** Come on, I’m buying

 ** **Artemis:**** You can even tell me about that show you keep going on about, the one with the doctor guy

 ** **Baywatch:**** doctor who?

 ** **Artemis:**** Yeah, that

 ** **Artemis:**** So are you in?

 ** **Baywatch:**** someone put you up to this, didn’t they

 ** **Artemis:**** Nope

 ** **Artemis:**** Meet me by your locker after school?

 ** **Baywatch:**** kay

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Columbus Was A Racist Hoe** **

****Friday, November 11  
** ** ****14:19 EST****

 

 ** **Kaldur:**** Do you ever just…appreciate water? I was hot after gym class and I drank a whole ton of water and it was. So great? So refreshing. So euphoric. What would we even BE as a society without water? Everyone would dry out and shatter apart like crunchy leaves, and instead of swimming in pools people would take off their skin in the summer because there is nothing to hydrate them. I don’t know about all of you, but I owe water my whole life and I hope that if I achieve one thing in my short lifetime, it is making the rest of the world love and respect our lord and savior H2O as much as I do because water is fuckinng great.

 ** **Zatanna:**** my fish wrote this while on cocaine

 

* * *

 

****Dick > Artemis ** **

****Friday, November 11  
** ** ****16:07 EST****

 

 ** **Dick:**** Where are you?

 ** **Artemis:**** Emotionally? Lying naked on a beach in the Galapagos with a mango smootie

 ** **Artemis:**** *smoothie

 ** **Dick:**** Smootie

 ** **Artemis:**** Wally and I are walking back to the house right now

 ** **Artemis:**** You guys ready on your end?

 ** **Dick:**** Yup yup

 ** **Dick:**** We ran out of candles for the cake, but we adapted and made some out of butter and crayons so it’s basically the same thing

 ** **Dick:**** Also Conner found one of those inflatable dinosaur suits in Wally’s closet so he’s wearing that now and it’s great

 ** **Artemis:**** Man, I haven’t been in the closet in years

 ** **Dick:**** Me neither. I miss the dark ages

 ** **Artemis:**** We’re cominhg up to theb block now sp get readdy okay

 ** **Dick:**** Are. Are you having a seizure?

 ** **Artemis:**** Wally c hallenhegd me to race hi m there and it’’s hard ot type while runningg

 ** **Dick:**** Lmao try not to sweat on the cake when you get here

 ** **Artemis:**** Ffuclk yo u

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Alpha Squad** **

****Friday, November 11  
** ** ****16:12 EST****

 

 ** **Xrtxmxs:**** We’re coming up the driveway, so everyone get ready

 ** **Zxtxnnx:**** alpha squad is a go, people! 

 ** **Xrtxmxs:**** We’re on the doorstep now

 ** **Dxck:**** Go time

 

* * *

 

****Dick > Artemis ** **

****Friday, November 11  
** ** ****16:31 EST****

 

 ** **Dick:**** [image sent]

 ** **Dick:**** [image sent]

 ** **Dick:**** [image sent]

 ** **Dick:**** [image sent]

 ** **Dick:**** I give you one (1) surprised Wally

 ** **Artemis:**** THANK 

 ** **Artemis:**** That last one is definitely his new contact pic in my phone oh my god

 

* * *

 

****Roy > Dickface ** **

****Friday, November 11** ** ****  
** ** ****17:30 EST****

 

 ** **Roy:**** Dude, where the hell did you go? You vanished right after the Just Dance competition ended.

 ** **Dickface:**** Look up

 ** **Roy:**** Excuse me?

 ** **Dickface:**** Look up

 ** **Roy:**** HOLY FUCKING SHITJHGJHDFHHGJ

 ** **Dickface:**** :) hi

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Alpha Squad** **

****Friday, November 11  
** ** ****20:28 EST****

 

 ** **Zxtxnnx:**** i think we can all agree that tonight was a huge success

 ** **Zxtxnnx:**** i’m proud of us

 ** **Mxgxn:**** Did you see his face when he walked in and saw all the streamers and balloons? Totally worth it

 ** **Rxy:**** Does we mean we can disband the spy/furry chat?

 ** **Dxck:**** Nah, we might need it again for when the rest of you have birthdays and need a healthy dose of friends unexpectedly screaming “happy birthday” in your face like rabid chimpanzees

 ** **Kxldxr:**** You worry me.

 

* * *

 

****Dick > Wallman ** **

****Friday, November 11  
** ** ****22:01 EST****

 

 ** **Dick:**** Hey

 ** **Dick:**** Just wanted to say sorry again for pretending to forget your birthday

 ** **Wallman:**** don’t worry about it, dude

 ** **Wallman:**** it was a great surprise

 ** **Wallman:**** and kaldur getting drunk on cake frosting and singing along to beyonce? the birthday present I never knew I needed

 ** **Wallman:**** you got video of that, right?

 ** **Dick:**** in high def

 ** **Wallman:**** nOICE

 ** **Wallman:**** but really, thanks for the party

 ** **Wallman:**** it was great

 ** **Dick:**** You think today was fun? Just wait until you turn 21

 ** **Dick:**** I already have the whole amusement park booked in advance

 ** **Wallman:**** bRO

 ** **Wallman:**** I love you

 ** **Dick:**** Happy birthday! <3

 

* * *

 

****Kaldur > (282)-555-1038 ** **

****Saturday, November 12  
** ** ****06:29 EST****

 

****Contact added: Roy Harper** **

****Kaldur:**** Hey, it’s Roy? I’m pretty sure we accidentally switched phones after Wally’s party.

 ** **Kaldur:**** Unless of course I just stole yours and mine is floating in a river somewhere, which would suck.

 ** **Roy:**** Hi, yes it’s me.

 ** **Roy:**** Sorry about that.

 ** **Roy:**** I would have contacted you as soon as I realized, but it was locked.

 ** **Kaldur:**** Well thank god one of us is irresponsible and doesn’t lock his phone.

 ** **Kaldur:**** Nice ocean background, by the way.

 ** **Roy:**** Thanks.

 ** **Kaldur:**** If you give me your address I can swing by your house and we can swap back.

 ** **Kaldur:**** Also, I added my contact in your phone because…I don’t really know why? So congrats, you have my contact info now!

 ** **Roy:**** I don’t mind.

 ** **Roy:**** And I am actually at a swim meet right now, but it lasts until noon so if you want you can just come here to the school and drop it off since that might be easier than waiting another five and a half hours for your phone back.

 ** **Kaldur:**** The swim team meets at 6 in the morning? Dedicated mermaids.

 ** **Roy:**** 5:30 actually, but yes.

 ** **Kaldur:**** Damn. And I thought the archery team was intense.

 ** **Roy:**** By the way, we didn’t get the chance to talk much yesterday, but I wanted to say I’m glad you decided to join GSA.

 ** **Kaldur:**** Blame the little shit who shall not be named but is in fact named Dick, but yeah. I’m glad I came too. Besides, I could use the extra extracurricular when I apply to colleges, so. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 ** **Roy:**** Not because we’re a delightful group of people to spend time with? I’m hurt, Roy.

 ** **Kaldur:****  Alright fine, you guys were cool too I guess.

 ** **Roy:**** So you think you will keep going?

 ** **Kaldur:**** Yeah, I think I will.

 ** **Kaldur:**** Also I’m on my way to the school now with your phone whom I’ve named Terrence in the short time we’ve spent together.

 ** **Roy:**** I’m glad.

 ** **Roy:**** About the GSA thing, I mean. The phone thing is cool too, though, LOL. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were wondering, Dick climbed up the rafters and was chilling there among the cobwebs because he's a monkey in a 14 year-old boy's body. 
> 
> Also wow, Kaldur texts like my mom lmao.


	7. Look At All Those Turkeys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, my consistent posting schedule was fun while it lasted I guess. Updates are going to be a bit sporadic from this point on, but you'll definitely have at least one or two a week so don't fret fellas. 
> 
> Also I know in YJ canon Wally’s parents were shiny happy people and stuff, but in the comics they were very Not That Way, so that’s how it is in this fic because it’s always been my personal headcanon and plus I photosynthesize angst so strap in, cowboys. 
> 
> Oh and also, thanks so much for all the comments? Like they seriously make me so happy to read, and I've never had a fic get this much feedback before so just know that if you commented, I love you and hope you get a small horse for your birthday. <3

****Group Chat: Columbus Was A Racist Hoe** **

****Monday, November 14  
** ** ****11:10 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** who wants to hear my latest science headcanon

 ** **Kaldur:**** Please just say hypothesis like a normal person.

 ** **Wally:**** anyways my science headcanon is wHAT IF the reason no one can find bigfoot is because it can turn invisible and there are actually a whole bunch of them everywhere but humans just don’t have the ability to see them

 ** **Raquel:**** Holy shit

 ** **Wally:**** I KNOW, RIGHT?  

 

* * *

 

****Zatanna > Rocky** **

****Monday, November 14  
** ** ****12:56 EST** **

****

****Zatanna:**** where are u?

 ** **Zatanna:**** u missed my awesome smackdown on that billy hayes guy last period

 ** **Zatanna:**** he said women who wear revealing clothing deserve to be raped, so i called him a whiny bitch and threw his shirt out the window

 ** **Rocky:**** NICE

 ** **Rocky:**** And to answer your question, I’m currently lying on the floor at the bottom of the stairs

 ** **Zatanna:**** um

 ** **Zatanna:**** should i be concerned?  

 ** **Rocky:**** I pulled an all-nighter last night to finish a video game, and when I tripped on the steps on the way to class I didn’t have the energy to get up so I took a nap instead

 ** **Zatanna:**** and nobody like, stepped on u or anything?

 ** **Rocky:**** Nah, they kinda just walked around me

 ** **Rocky:**** One girl gave me a pillow

 ** **Rocky:**** A security guard asked me what I was doing before, and when I said I was napping he apologized and said sweet dreams

 ** **Zatanna:**** wow, can i get in on that?

 ** **Zatanna:**** i could use a nap

 ** **Rocky:**** Be my guest

 ** **Rocky:**** Just two gals napping in the stairwell, nbd

 ** **Zatanna:**** oh my god this is gonna be so fun i’m on my way

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Columbus Was A Racist Hoe** **

****Wednesday, November 16  
** ** ****16:00 EST** **

****

****Kaldur:**** Is everyone here? I have an announcement.

 ** **Zatanna:**** *gasp* ur gay?!?!?!

 ** **Wally:**** I had no idea!!! 

 ** **Dick:**** Listen, if you wanna choose to be g*y that’s cool and all I guess, but just…don’t rub it in my face pls?

 ** **Artemis:**** God here we go again with the BLT agenda…smh

 ** **Roy:**** You can be as queer as you want in your own home, but just don't do it in front of my kids please I don't want them to turn gay. 

 ** **Megan:**** It’s Adam and Eve, Kaldur. Not Adam and Steve

 ** **Kaldur:**** I’ll take that as a yes.

 ** **Kaldur:**** I have just been informed that Mr. Smith will be out for several months, so he will not be overseeing GSA for the time being.

 ** **Wally:**** a moment of silence everyone for our fallen comrade…

 ** **Zatanna:**** he was so young.......so vibrant.........i’ll never forget u funky tornado man...........

 ** **Megan:**** He lives on in all our hearts :’(

 ** **Dick:**** Sometimes I can still hear his voice, telling me to stop rapping Hamilton over the loudspeakers or he’ll throw me out the window…….it’s like he’s still here with us

 ** **Kaldur:**** He literally just has jury duty and will be back in February, calm yourselves.

 ** **Artemis:**** Poor Kaldur is in denial, it seems. Don’t worry Kal, he’s in a better place now  

 ** **Roy:**** Who’s going to be running GSA while he’s out?

 ** **Kaldur:**** For the time being, we will have a rotating queue of teachers who have volunteered to step in while he is gone.

 ** **Conner:**** neat, its like den mother musical chairs

 ** **Kaldur:**** Pretty much.

 ** **Dick:**** So who’s on first?

 ** **Wally:**** who

 ** **Dick:**** Who?

 ** **Wally:**** yes

 ** **Dick:**** Who’s on first?

 ** **Wally:**** exactly

 ** **Dick:**** No no no, I mean the teacher on first

 ** **Wally:**** yes, who

 ** **Dick:**** The first one on the rotation

 ** **Wally:**** who

 ** **Dick:**** The teacher who will oversee gsa

 ** **Wally:**** that would be who

 ** **Dick:**** Who?

 ** **Wally:**** yup, that’s his name

 ** **Dick:**** What’s his name?

 ** **Wally:**** no, what is actually on second

 ** **Dick:**** What?

 ** **Wally:**** yup

 ** **Dick:**** Just tell me what’s on first

 ** **Wally:**** no, that’s who

 ** **Dick:**** Who’s on first?

 ** **Wally:**** yes

 ** **Zatanna:**** this is fuckinhg hilarious i’m gonna piss myselfjkjlks

 

* * *

 

****Megan > Conner ** **

****Saturday, November 19  
** ** ****10:07 EST** **

****

****Megan:**** Hey, so I saw you changed your facebook status

 ** **Conner:**** you still use facebook? i thought that was way out of date

 ** **Megan:**** Says the guy who still uses facebook

 ** **Conner:**** i like to post pictures of wolf

 ** **Megan:**** And no, but Zatanna saw it and immediately called me to scream about it

 ** **Conner:**** …do you want me to change it back?

 ** **Megan:**** No, not at all! Lol it’s not that don’t worry

 ** **Megan:**** I was just wondering if that was really what we are now

 ** **Megan:**** In a relationship

 ** **Conner:**** i think so?

 ** **Conner:**** i dont have a lot of experience with this to be honest

 ** **Megan:**** Well neither do I, so we’re even

 ** **Conner:**** do you WANT to be in a relationship with me? like boyfriend/girlfriend?

 ** **Megan:**** I'm trying not to sound overeager, but I really really do

 ** **Megan:**** A lot

 ** **Conner:**** me too

 **Megan:** Okay, then I guess we're dating now? 

 **Conner:** i guess so  

 **Megan:** This feels super awkward

 **Conner:** yeah 

 **** ** **Conner:**** would you mind if i called you? it just feels weird doing this over text

 ** **Megan:**** Sure! Just hang on a second

 ** **Conner:**** for what?

 ** **Megan:**** I’m making a facebook account so I can change my status too  

 ** **Conner:**** dork

 ** **Megan:**** You started it

 

 ****[Incoming call from** ** ****Conner** ** ****]** **

****[Call ended: 32:04]** **

****

* * *

 

**Megan**

****Saturday, November 19  
** ****11:17 EST** ** **

 

****Contact changed to: _Conner <3 _** **

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Columbus was A Racist Hoe** **

****Sunday, November 20  
** ** ****14:33 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** am I the only one who’s lowkey dreading thanksgiving, or…?

 ** **Conner:**** im right there with you buddy

 ** **Megan:**** Really, Wally? I thought out of everyone you would be the one most excited for Thanksgiving

 ** **Wally:**** two words: homophobic family

 ** **Wally:****...and transphobic family

 ** **Wally:**** so that’s five words I guess

 ** **Raquel:**** I felt that in my soul

 ** **Zatanna:**** same. my dad is amazing, but the rest of my family is a bunch of old stuffy italian people who are all super conservative, so that’s loads of fun

 ** **Megan:**** Last year Uncle John thought it would be a good idea if we spent Thanksgiving with the rest of my family, and it was so uncomfortable I’m pretty sure my soul left my body for a good three hours that day 

 ** **Conner:**** i would offer to invite you to my thanksgiving, but itll just be my dads glaring at each other from across the table the whole time while my stepmom talks about reporter stuff so…

 ** **Wally:**** I didn’t know you had two dads, that’s so cool!

 ** **Conner:**** trust me its not. they hate each other

 ** **Wally:**** why?

 ** **Conner:**** you dont want to know

 ** **Artemis:**** I’m going to be spending it with weirdos too so you’re not alone, Kon

 ** **Roy:**** How dare you? I will staple your lungs to a tree.

 ** **Artemis:**** Okay but Oliver spends the whole time making terrible food puns and Dinah is the school psychologist so that’s hella awkward

 ** **Roy:**** But I’m cool, right?

 ** **Artemis:**** No

 ** **Roy:**** :’(

 ** **Zatanna:**** don’t worry roy honey i think ur cool

 ** **Roy:**** :’)

 ** **Dick:**** Well I for one can’t wait until Turkey Day™

 ** **Dick:**** My family can’t have a sit-down dinner without erupting into complete chaos which usually involves mashed potatoes on the ceiling and at least two broken bones

 ** **Dick:**** It’s awesome

 ** **Conner:**** i feel like the more i learn about you, the more terrified i am to ever visit your home

 ** **Dick:**** As you should be :)

 ** **Artemis:****  Holy shit I just got chills 

****Artemis:**** That cursed smiley came into my house and ate my children

 

* * *

 

****Artemis > Dickhead ** **

****Monday, November 21  
** ** ****18:40 EST** **

 

 ** **Artemis:**** Hey, can I ask you something?

 ** **Dickhead:**** Yes these are in fact my real boobs, are you shocked?

 ** **Artemis:**** I just came back from Wally’s house after working more on our project (which is almost done by the way so eat my ass, Albert Einstein) and. Barry and Iris? I thought they were his parents?

 ** **Dickhead:**** Oh yeah, no they’re his aunt and uncle

 ** **Artemis:**** Apparently

 ** **Artemis:**** It’s just that if I hadn’t heard him call them that, I never would have even questioned it  

 ** **Dickhead:**** And let me guess, you texted me cause you want to know what happened to his parents?

 ** **Artemis:**** You must be a hit in charades

 ** **Artemis:**** But…kind of? I was just curious about how the whole living situation happened? I mean they definitely ACT like his parents, so…

 ** **Dickhead:**** It’s not really my story to tell

 ** **Artemis:**** I know, and don’t worry I’m not asking for details or anything

 ** **Artemis:**** Just

 ** **Artemis:**** Are they dead?

 ** **Dickhead:**** No, they’re not dead

 ** **Artemis:**** But they’re not around

 ** **Dickhead:**** Not anymore

 ** **Artemis:**** And what the heckity heck does that mean?

 ** **Dickhead:**** Look, if you really want to know then you should just ask Wally

 ** **Dickhead:**** It’s not a secret or anything, but I feel like I shouldn’t be the one telling the story, y’know?

 ** **Artemis:**** Gotcha

 ** **Artemis:**** Thanks

 ** **Dickhead:**** No problem

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Megalicious ** **

****Monday, November 21  
** ** ****20:04 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** you’re so cute, you make me not want to blink because I’m afraid to miss even a second of your cuteness <3

 ** **Megalicious:**** Haha Conner actually told me that one during lunch today, that’s so funny

 ** **Wally:**** don’t sweat it babe, I’ll get more original lines just for you ;)

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Megalicious ** **

****Monday, November 21  
** ** ****20:26 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** wait a second who said what

 

* * *

 

****Artemis > Baywatch ** **

****Tuesday, November 22  
** ** ****15:17 EST** **

****

****Artemis:**** Let’s say, hypothetically, that I wanted to cash in one of my 20 questions

 ** **Baywatch:**** okay?

 ** **Artemis:**** But what if it was kind of a touchy subject and I wouldn’t want you to feel obligated to answer

 ** **Artemis:**** Hypothetically, you would be allowed to not answer, right?

 ** **Baywatch:**** I guess if it’s really that personal

 ** **Baywatch:**** but you being all shifty about this is making my anxiety skyrocket a bit, so how about you just ask me and whatever happens happens

 ** **Artemis:**** But what if it’s too personal and I should just mind my own business?

 ** **Baywatch:**** idk, ask me and find out

 ** **Artemis:**** Yeah but I don’t want to pry even though that’s exactly what I’m doing

 ** **Artemis:**** Also I don’t know if I actually WANT to know the answer to begin with or if I’m just being nosy for the sake of being nosy

 **Baywatch:** you couldn't have done this whole "I should/I shouldn't" spiral BEFORE you texted me? 

 ** **Artemis:**** Okay you know what just forget it, I’m not gonna ask

 ** **Baywatch:**** what is it?

 ** **Artemis:**** Never mind

 ** **Baywatch:**** okay but ur scaring me now so just ask already before I have a panic attack 

 ** **Artemis:**** No I changed my mind

 ** **Baywatch:**** artemissssssss

 ** **Baywatch:**** ask me ask me ask me

 ** **Artemis:**** No

 ** **Baywatch:**** I swear on my own grave that if you don’t ask me right this very second I’m gonna die and it’ll be your fault and then my ghost will keep secrets from you just to piss you off 

 ** **Artemis:**** Are you sure?

 ** **Baywatch:**** YES

 ** **Artemis:**** Okay, but just remember that you told me to ask

 ** **Baywatch:**** THANK YOU  

 ** **Baywatch:**** so…what’s your question?

 ** **Artemis:****  Well up until I was at your house yesterday, I sort of figured Barry and Iris were your parents? But it turns out they’re not and that got me wondering about…stuff

 ** **Baywatch:**** oh

 ** **Baywatch:**** that’s it?

 ** **Artemis:**** Yeah

 ** **Baywatch:**** fuck you artemis, you got me all nervous for nothing just now

 ** **Baywatch:**** I thought you were going to ask about my secret barbie movie collection

 ** **Artemis:**** Your what now

 ** **Baywatch:**** lemme guess, you want to know what happened to my actual parents?

 ** **Artemis:**** Like I said, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I totally get it

 ** **Baywatch:**** no it’s okay, it’s not like it’s a secret

 ** **Baywatch:**** most of our other friends know anyway, so it’s only fair you know too

 ** **Artemis:**** Okay  

 ** **Baywatch:**** there’s not much to it really except my parents were kind of dicks? at least my dad was

 ** **Baywatch:**** my mom was nice but she didn’t really help or anything, so I mean 

 ** **Baywatch:**** but yeah, abusive asshole who became even more of an abusive asshole when he found out his daughter was actually his son, and he kind of lost it in a punchy/kicky/beat-the-shit-out-of-your-own-human-child kinda way

 ** **Baywatch:**** later that night I panicked and called barry for help, and he got me outta there real quick

 ** **Baywatch:**** then we moved to happy harbor for a fresh start, and now we’re still here four years later chillin like villains on penicillin

 ** **Baywatch:**** aaaaand that’s all I think. the end  

 ** **Artemis:**** Holy shit

 ** **Artemis:**** You're serious?

 ** **Baywatch:**** unfortunately yeah

 ** **Baywatch:**** but like I said, that was a long time ago and I haven’t seen my dad in years

 ** **Baywatch:**** and I’m mostly over it all now, so just don’t be weird okay?

 ** **Artemis:**** Yeah, it’s just  

 ** **Artemis:**** I don’t mean to quote The Breakfast Club (1989) dir. John Hughes, but your dad and my dad should go bowling

 ** **Baywatch:**** wait what   

 ** **Artemis:**** Yeah

 ** **Baywatch:**** oh 

 ** **Artemis:**** I mean nowhere near the same level I guess, but yeah

 ** **Baywatch:**** I feel like a giant dick for this but is it bad that all I can think of rn is “same hat”?

 ** **Baywatch:**** because same hat

 ** **Artemis:**** I’m sorry you had to go through all that

 ** **Artemis:**** That’s really rough

 ** **Baywatch:**** shut up I literally just told you not to be weird about it weren’t you even paying attention

 ** **Baywatch:**** kids these days I swear

 ** **Artemis:**** Sorry

 ** **Baywatch:**** damn straight

 ** **Artemis:**** So, about those barbie movies…

 ** **Baywatch:**** sorry, what’s that? I can’t hear you I’m going into a tunnel now hmmm that’s a shame

 ** **Artemis:**** Coward

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Columbus Was A Racist Hoe** **

****Thursday, November 24  
** ** ****09:04 EST** **

****

****Dick:**** HAPPY TURKEY DAY MOTHERFUCKERS

 ** **Dick:**** Let’s all go round the table and say what we’re thankful for like the loving family we are (◡‿◡✿)

 ** **Dick:**** I’ll go first

 ** **Dick:**** I am thankful for the happy lil freckle on my right hand that looks like the left side of Elvis Presley’s face

 ** **Raquel:**** Pic or you’re lying

 ** **Dick:**** [image sent]

 ** **Raquel:**** Well hello Mr. Presley

 ** **Raquel:**** I’m thankful for my roomba whom I’ve decorated with ninja turtle stickers because I love my son

 ** **Wally:**** I’m thankful for the fact that I have more freckles than dick

 ** **Dick:**** Yeah but nobody ever wants Big Freckle Energy so who’s the real winner here

 **Conner:** ouch 

 **Artemis:** Wow, how'd that feel, Wally? 

 **Artemis:** He just came for your whole entire life. He snatched your wig clean off your skull. He came into your house, stole all your dishes, peed on your floor, and shaved your dog. Now are you just going to take that sitting down, or aRE YOU GOING TO FIGHT BACK? 

 **Kaldur:** Stop being an instigator, Artemis. 

 **Dick:** Talk shit get hit, now who else wants some of this (ง •̀_•́)ง

 ** **Wally:**** I hope your toothbrush grows mold on it

 **Kaldur:** Stop ruining my Thanksgiving, you Cretins. 

 ** **Kaldur:**** I, for one, am thankful for my step-father’s delicious lemon squares, which taste like the whole universe baked into a square. They’re mouthgasmic.

 ** **Conner:**** good news everyone! kaldur here is officially banned from using the word ‘mouthgasm’ ever again!

 ** **Artemis:**** Ooh that sounds yummy I want a mouthgasm square

 ** **Wally:**** sTOP

 ** **Kaldur:**** I’ll save one for you.

 ** **Artemis:**** YEET <3

 ** **Artemis:**** I am also thankful for Kaldur’s stepdad’s lemon squares

 ** **Megan:**** I’m thankful for my friends, which is you guys because I love you all <3

 ** **Artemis:**** Awwww

 ** **Dick:**** This was supposed to be funny but things just got real,,, i luve yuo migan,,,,,

 ** **Zatanna:**** MEGAN UR MAKING ME CRY

 ** **Kaldur:**** Actually I’m changing my answer to that too because I also care about all of you.

 ** **Wally:**** STOP MAKING ME EMOTIONAL THAT’S NOT FAIR

 ** **Raquel:**** QUICK SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING FUNNY BEFORE WE ALL CATCH THE WARM AND FUZZIES

 ** **Conner:**** im thankful for the terribly made knick knacks you buy in the dollar store that you dont need or have any use for but you buy it anyway because its only a dollar and then you forget about it three days later and it made absolutely no impact on your life at all 

 ** **Raquel:**** Phew, that was a close one fellas

 ** **Roy:**** I’m thankful for the can of redbull I stashed in my jacket pocket because I will definitely be needing it today.

 ** **Zatanna:**** well i’m thankful that pluto is a planet because ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind or forced to become a dumb dwarf planet :)

 ** **Roy:**** Pluto will never be a real planet and you need to move on.

 **Zatanna:** excuse???????? 

 **Zatanna:** that's it who wants to watch me beat roy's ass behind nasa headquarters at high noon because we are Doing This 

 **Artemis:** FINALLY the fight I've been waiting for 

 

 

* * *

 

****Conner > Megan ** **

****Thursday, November 24  
** ** ****09:56 EST** **

****

****Conner:**** i lied earlier

 ** **Conner:****  this year im thankful for you <3

 ** **Megan:**** HGNFJHFKHKDDFHG

 

* * *

 

****Megan > Artemis** **

****Thursday, November 24  
** ** ****09:58 EST** **

****

****Megan:**** [image sent]

 ** **Megan:**** HELP HE’S TOO F*CKING SWEET I’M HAVING A SEIZURE

 ** **Artemis:**** 1) Dear god that’s adorable

 ** **Artemis:**** 2) I’m sorry but I just can’t take you seriously with that asterisk. If you’re going to swear then fucking COMMIT to it

 ** **Megan:**** Fu…..fu……

 ** **Artemis:**** Yes go on

 ** **Megan:**** I’m nervous

 

* * *

 

****Raquel > Kaldur ** **

****Thursday, November 24  
**** ****13:41 EST** **

****

****Raquel:**** [image sent]

 ** **Raquel:**** I just saw this on your snap story and uh,  

 ** **Raquel:**** Why does your mom literally look like Beyonce

 ** **Kaldur:**** My mom used to model for Vogue in the eighties.

 ** **Raquel:**** No offense, but I’m pretty sure your mom is actually the goddess Aphrodite in human form who came to visit earth and melt the flesh of mortals but stayed for a passionate love affair which resulted in a son with cheekbones sharper than a well-dressed butch and made her realize that maybe humans aren’t so bad after all, perhaps there is indeed more to us than meets the eye

 ** **Kaldur:**** Thanks! That was very weird to read and I hated every second of it!

 **** ** **Raquel:**** You are so FUCKING welcome my man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were wondering how the whole "Lex Luthor + Clark Kent = Baby" thing works, I don't know either. Maybe they're bitter exes who adopted a kid together but then broke up? Maybe they both accidentally adopted the same baby and now must share him like in a bad romcom? Maybe they somehow mixed up their samples in a sperm bank and nobody knows who's Conner's real father like in a worse romcom? The world may never know.


	8. Boxers, Briefs, or Thong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes it was.

****Zatanna > Arty ** **

****Tuesday, December 6  
** ** ****01:56 EST** **

****

****Zatanna:**** yes it is

 ** **Artemis:****?

 ** **Artemis:**** What does this mean

 ** **Artemis:**** Zee?

 ** **Artemis:**** You still there?

 ** **Artemis:**** I don’t know what that means

 ** **Artemis:**** Did you mean to send it to someone else?

 ** **Artemis:**** Zee

****

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Columbus Was A Racist Hoe** **

****Wednesday, December 7  
** ** ****08:00 EST** **

****

****Dick:**** HAPPY PEARL HARBOR DAY BINCHES!!!  

 ****Dick has renamed the group:** ** _****The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF** ** _

****Megan:**** His name was Hermie you ignorant slut

 ** **Megan:**** But yes you are absolutely right

 ** **Raquel:**** Love that funky lil dentist

 ** **Kaldur:**** I visited Pearl Harbor once. It was lovely.

 ** **Zatanna:**** how dare u all forget the most important part of this holy day smh

 ** **Zatanna:**** happy national cotton candy day, folksies! because in this house we RESPECT fluffy sugar

 ** **Dick:**** Oh yeah candy floss, I love that stuff

 ** **Wally:**** wu……wut

 ** **Dick:**** Hmm?

 ** **Artemis:**** Candy floss…

 ** **Conner:**** what the genuine, actual, LITERAL fuck is that

 ** **Dick:**** Candy floss

 ** **Dick:**** Candy that looks like cotton

 ** **Wally:**** so….cotton candy

 ** **Dick:**** Nope

 ** **Dick:**** Candy floss

 ** **Zatanna:**** who the fucc calls it candy floss

 ** **Zatanna:**** that sounds like something u would give to a kid to make them stop being afraid of the dentist

 ** **Dick:**** People say it in England

 ** **Wally:**** never in my life have I ever not loved alfred until today

 ** **Wally:**** he’s turned you into a monster

 ** **Dick:**** Sorry but candy floss is the only correct way to call it and that’s just the tea

 ** **Artemis:**** That is the barnacliest load of barnacles I have ever heard in my seven whole years of life  

 ** **Dick:**** You’re all fake fans if you don’t call it candy floss

 ** **Wally:**** you mean cotton candy

 ** **Dick:**** Candy floss

 ** **Wally:**** cotton candy

 ** **Dick:**** Candy floss

 ** **Wally:**** COTTON!

 ** **Wally:****  CANDY!

 ** **Dick:**** CANDY FLOSS!!!

 ** **Artemis:**** That’s like people who call flip flops thongs

 ** **Artemis:**** Incorrect and invalid

 ** **Wally:**** wait wait wait wait wait hold the phone hold everything

 ** **Wally:**** is that really a thing

 ** **Wally:**** thongs for shoes

 ** **Megan:**** Yeah, they call it that in Australia I think

 ** **Wally:**** oh my

 ** **Wally:**** oh my god

 ** **Artemis:**** Uh oh he’s planning something I can smell it

 ** **Megan:**** What does it smell like?  
****Artemis:**** Old tuna and disappointment

 ** **Wally:**** I am TOTALLY going to wear flip flops to school today and tell everyone I’m wearing a thong this will be so fucking great

 ** **Artemis:**** It’s 40 degrees outside

 ** **Wally:**** yes? and? cowardice is for underachievers, my dearest greenest grasshopper

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF** **

****Wednesday, December 7  
** ** ****11:20 EST** **

 

 ** **Wally:**** [image sent]

 ** **Wally:**** update: I look GREAT in my thongs

 ** **Dick:**** Hey Walls, boxers or briefs?

 ** **Wally:**** *spins around in my office chair, tipping my sunglasses down my nose while taking a puff from my pipe* why thong of course, my dear watson

 ** **Roy:**** I am literally begging you to stop.

 

* * *

 

****Kaldur > Artemis ** **

****Thursday, December 8  
** ** ****13:19 EST** **

****

****Kaldur:**** I have a question.

 ** **Artemis:**** Shoot

 ** **Kaldur:**** Roy and I have calculus together. Today I gave him a stick of gum, and a few minutes later he folded the wrapper into a teeny tiny crane and placed it gingerly on my desk.

 ** **Artemis:**** Okay…

 ** **Kaldur:**** That was it.

 ** **Artemis:**** So what’s your question?

 ** **Kaldur:**** My question is what the fuck.

 ** **Artemis:**** You lost me

 ** **Kaldur:**** That happened two periods ago and I cannot stop blushing, and I don’t think that is what usually happens when you get a silly gift from a friend.

 ** **Artemis:**** No it’s not

 ** **Kaldur:**** Make it stop.

 ** **Artemis:**** Oh, boy

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF** **

****Thursday, December 10  
** ** ****07:29 EST** **

 

 ** **Zatanna:**** apparently babies can hear music in the womb? so like, imagine if someone just listens to nothing but heavy screamo death metal for their kid and that lil fella grows up to become the most awesome kid in the whole entire universe

 ** **Conner:**** please never reproduce

 

* * *

 

****Artemis > Zatanna ** **

****Friday, December 11  
** ** ****15:04 EST** **

****

****Artemis:**** You may have been able to dodge me during GSA, but know that I will never give up

 ** **Artemis:**** I will find out what that text means if it kills me

 ** **Zatanna:**** [image sent]

 ** **Zatanna:**** then perish :)

 ** **Artemis:**** JUST TELL ME  

 

* * *

 

****Happy Harbor High School Alert System > All Students ** **

****Monday** ** ****, December 14  
** ** ****05:00 EST** **

****

_****Attention all students and faculty: Due to** ** ****unforeseen** ** **** ****weather conditions, school has been closed for today. Enjoy your snow day!** ** _

****

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF** **

****Monday, December 14  
** ** ****05:18 EST** **

****

****Raquel:**** [image sent]

 ** **Raquel:**** IT’S A DICK’S BIRTHDAY MIRACLE

 ** **Raquel:**** I’m going back to bed but lemme just say,

 ** **Raquel:**** Global warming sucks but today it gave me a gift and I am forever in its debt

 ** **Roy:**** Amen to that.

****

* * *

 

****Kaldur > Dick ** **

****Monday, December 14  
** ** ****06:09 EST** **

****

****Kaldur:**** Happy birthday, Dick!

 ** **Dick:**** THANKS DUDE

 

* * *

 

****Megan > Dick ** **

****Monday, December 14  
** ** ****06:32 EST** **

****

****Megan:**** HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! :D

 ** **Megan:**** Spoiler alert: I may have already baked enough cake pops to feed a small army, so be warned ;)

 ** **Dick:**** Megs you’re the best <3  

 ** **Megan:**** <3

 

* * *

 

****Zatanna > Dickie ** **

****Monday, December 14  
** ** ****07:27 EST** **

****

****Zatanna:**** happy BIRTHDAY u funky fellow! ur now officially one year closer to ur death day!!! :D

 ** **Dickie:**** Thanks, I can’t wait!

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Dickhead ** **

****Monday, December 14  
** ** ****07:49 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** YOU!!!!!!!!

 ** **Dickhead:**** ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

 ** **Wally:**** YOU’RE AN OLD MAN NOW!!!!!!!!

 ** **Dickhead:**** I ALREADY TOLD TIM TO GET OFF MY LAWN TWICE TODAY!!!!!!!!!

 ** **Wally:**** YAY!!!!!!!!

 ** **Dickhead:**** YAY!!!!!!

 ** **Wally:**** YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 ** **Wally:**** so other than being old as FUCK, how is your official 15th year of burthness going so far?

 ** **Dickhead:**** I woke up at 3am and spent a solid hour twerking in the kitchen to Ninki Minjaj’s version of the birthday song

 ** **Dickhead:**** So clearly I am fanTASTIC today

 

* * *

 

****Barbara > Dick ** **

****Monday** ** ****, December 14  
** ** ****09:39 EST** **

****

****Barbara:**** HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOSER!! <333

 ** **Dick:**** Thanks, Babs :)

 ** **Barbara:**** Any birthday wishes this year? Aside from a growth spurt, of course

 ** **Dick:**** I’ll have you know I’ve grown two inches since last year so choke

 ** **Barbara:**** I’ll believe it when I see it

 ** **Dick:**** And do you want a fun response, or do you want a sappy response because this question is multiple choice

 ** **Barbara:**** Hmmm gimme both  

 ** **Barbara:**** I like variety

 ** **Dick:**** First off, for Bruce to stop wearing those godawful booty shorts he got from Selina around the house because I don’t know how much longer I can take it. They literally say Hot Dad in sequins on the back and it makes me want to die

 ** **Barbara:**** A worthy goal

 ** **Barbara:**** And the second one?

 ** **Dick:**** It’s really cheesy, but for you to come visit? That way we can actually hang out face to face for the first time in six months seventeen days and twelve minutes

 ** **Barbara:**** Someone’s been keeping track I see

 ** **Dick:**** Who, me? Of course not

 ** **Barbara:**** On a rate from one to ten trillion, how happy would you be if I could make one of those wishes come true?

 ** **Dick:**** Don’t tell me you sent me a sexy box of matches so I can burn Bruce’s booty shorts

 ** **Barbara:**** Not exactly

 ** **Barbara:**** [image sent]

 ** **Dick:**** ASDFGHJKLFGHJ ARE THOSE PLANE TICKETS  

 ** **Barbara:**** Happy birthday, Dick!

 ** **Dick:**** SDFGHJLKJHHJHJ

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Megalicious** **

****Monday, December 14  
** ** ****10:54 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** how do u bak a cak

 ** **Megalicious:**** first u need to cracc an egg

 ** **Wally:**** a wat

 

* * *

 

****Artemis > Zatanna ** **

****Monday, December 14  
** ** ****11:06 EST** **

****

****Artemis:**** Zee

 ** **Artemis:**** Hey

 ** **Artemis:**** Hey Zee what does it mean

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF** **

****Monday, December 14  
** ** ****13:24 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** attention everyone!!!

 ** **Wally:****  it is now 1:24 on the dot, so HAPPY OFFICIAL BIRTHDAY DICK!!!!! <3

 ** **Raquel:**** HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

 ** **Artemis:**** Dick I am so glad you managed to stay alive for a whole 365 days in a row

 ** **Conner:**** happy birthday dick!!

 ** **Roy:**** Happy birthday, bro. :)

 ** **Roy:**** But why does it matter that it’s 1:24?

 ** **Wally:**** because this is the exact moment 15 years ago when dick’s scrunchie bloody baby face first met fresh air and bright lights

 ** **Raquel:**** Hey Wally, do you accept constructive criticism?

 ** **Wally:**** no I do not but thanks for asking

 ** **Dick:**** I don’t know if I should be grossed out or touched but either way THANK

 ** **Zatanna:**** i think a little of both is a safe bet

 ** **Wally:**** okay but for real, I love you man <3

 ** **Dick:**** I love you too <33

 ** **Dick:**** No homo tho

 ** **Wally:**** not even a little homo?

 ** **Dick:**** Maybe just a teeny bit of homo

 ** **Wally:**** a small dash of homo

 ** **Dick:**** Just a wee bit of homo for flavor

 ** **Wally:**** a zesty sprinkle of homo on this bromantic cake

 ** **Artemis:**** This is really really gay

 ** **Dick:**** It is my /BIRTHDAY/, WOMAN, LET ME HAVE THIS

 ** **Dick:**** Speaking of!!

 ** **Roy:**** Did Bruce let you have coffee? You seem a bit more hyper today than usual which says a lot.

 ** **Dick:**** Redbull actually! It’s really really good except my eye won’t stop twitching and I can smell colors

 ** **Roy:**** Yikes.

 ** **Dick:**** You’re all coming to my party this weekend, right? I snuck into your houses while you were sleeping and left invitations under your pillows because I’m like the tooth fairy but smaller and about 12.7% more demonic

 ** **Artemis:**** I’m sorry what

 ** **Kaldur:**** Yes, I am definitely coming.

 ** **Megan:**** Me too! :D

 ** **Zatanna:**** not to be dramatic but i would honestly rather die than miss ur party

 ** **Dick:**** Dark, but I LOVE the enthusiasm!

 ** **Raquel:**** I want to see if there are any ghosts in your house

 ** **Dick:**** Does Jason count

 ** **Raquel:**** What

 ** **Dick:**** What 

****Conner:**** count me in

 ** **Wally:**** yuppers because I invited myself to sleep over that day anyway

 ** **Dick:**** Good, I can’t wait for you all to meet Barbara it’ll be so fun

 ** **Megan:**** Who’s Barbara?

 ** **Wally:**** *cough* my arch ENEMY *cough*

 ** **Dick:**** You really need to let that go, dude

 ** **Dick:**** I can have more than one best friend

 ** **Wally:**** yeah, more than one best friend who both happen to have red hair, are science geniuses, and who you lowkey flirt with daily

 ** **Wally:**** it won’t be long before I end up bumped from my spot as bestest friend in the world, just like christina when she left grey’s anatomy and was never heard from again and got replaced with several new and better best friends because the world is a cruel cruel place  

 ** **Wally:**** (okay ngl I actually love babs and she’s great but also this is my turf and I am Ready To Battle)

 ** **Dick:**** I’ve known her like five years longer than you. If anything YOU invaded HER turf and I just let you stay because you’re the cheese to my mac <3

 ** **Wally:**** bRO <3  

 ** **Conner:**** this went in a whole lot of directions

 ** **Dick:**** Anyways, Babs is my friend who’s flying out this weekend from Gotham to come to my birthday party and she’s awesome so you’ll all love her

 ** **Artemis:**** You used to live in Gotham? DUDE SAME

 ** **Dick:**** A fellow veteran, I see! I feel like meeting people from Gotham is like bumping into people you knew before the apocalypse

 ** **Zatanna:**** why? what’s wrong with gotham?

 ** **Dick:**** Have you ever been there?

 ** **Zatanna:**** no

 ** **Dick:**** Good. Don’t go

 ** **Dick:**** That place is like if Tartarus had a baby with Oscar The Grouch’s garbage can

 ** **Dick:**** A sixth-grader tried to sell me meth behind a church once

 ** **Artemis:**** One time I got mugged and as the guy was walking away he got mugged by someone else

 ** **Kaldur:**** Oh my god.

 ** **Artemis:**** Yeah

 ** **Artemis:**** I miss that place so m uch,, ,

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF** **

****Thursday, December 17  
** ** ****13:21 EST** **

****

****Raquel:**** Apparently you can get $262,00 for selling a kidney?

 ** **Raquel:**** In completely unrelated news, I am making EXCELLENT financial decisions

 ** **Wally:**** ooh I’ve got two of those lying around, I can finally buy that giant bouncy house I’ve always wanted

 ** **Roy:**** Half price to anyone wearing a hat.

 ** **Conner:**** i take debit and credit

 ** **Megan:**** If you have a rewards card I’ll even throw in a free appendix

 ** **Zatanna:**** when u buy a spleen u also get two lungs, plus a complimentary frozen yogurt coupon!

 ** **Kaldur:**** None of you should ever be in business.

 

* * *

 

****Artemis > Zatanna ** **

****Wednesday, December 16  
** ** ****17:39 EST** **

****

****Artemis:**** Is it a secret code? Are you foreshadowing something?

 ** **Artemis:**** Maybe it’s an anagram

 ** **Artemis:**** “yes it is” --> “is yetis”

 ** **Artemis:**** Is that it?? Are you warning me of the yetis??

 ** **Artemis:**** ZATANNA GET OVER HERE I NEED ANSWERS

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF** **

****Saturday, December 19  
** ** ****14:03 EST** **

****

****Megan:**** So uh

 ** **Megan:**** Was I the only one who didn’t know Dick lived in an actual mansion, or?  

 ** **Megan:**** This house is bigger than Wally’s ego

 ** **Artemis:**** HA nice one

 ** **Wally:**** what the FUCK did you just say to me?  

 ** **Megan:**** Sorry, Wally  

 ** **Wally:**** artemis is a bad influence on you

 ** **Conner:**** i got here ten minutes ago and ive already seen four solid gold chandeliers

 ** **Conner:**** its like im in a castle

 ** **Dick:**** Sorry, my dad is pretty rich so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 ** **Wally:**** “pretty rich”

 ** **Wally:**** dude your cookie jar is studded with actual diamonds

 ** **Wally:**** I would know, I’m breaking into it as we speak

 ** **Artemis:**** Thanks Dick for reminding me how poor I am

 ** **Roy:**** You should see the indoor pool.

 ** **Megan:**** AN INDOOR POOL???

 ** **Raquel:**** Dick we need to have more play dates

 ** **Kaldur:**** I just pulled up to the driveway and can I just say:

 ** **Kaldur:**** This house is bitchin.

 ** **Zatanna:****!!!

 ** **Zatanna:**** kaldur snapped fellas we’ve done it

 ** **Zatanna:**** we’ve turned him into a swearing hooligan

 

* * *

 

****Dick > Babs ** **

****Sunday, December 20  
** ** ****02:46 EST** **

****

****Dick:**** So what did you think of everybody?

 ** **Babs:****???

 ** **Babs:**** I’m lying like five feet away from you, weirdo, just talk to me

 ** **Dick:**** Nah, Wally’s snoring too loud and I don’t feel like yelling over him

 ** **Babs:**** Point made

 ** **Babs:**** And I liked them

 ** **Babs:**** I mean I already met Wally and Roy before, but yeah your friends are pretty cool

 ** **Dick:**** Enough to make you want to visit more often? (Hint hint)

 ** **Babs:**** Has anyone ever told you you’re awfully pushy?

 ** **Dick:**** Not to my face, no

 ** **Babs:**** They should

 ** **Dick:**** Can’t imagine why

 ** **Babs:**** You really miss little old me that much?

 ** **Dick:**** Who, me? Of course not

 ** **Dick:**** I’m just asking for Wally’s sake, obviously

 ** **Dick:**** I told him that you are a very busy woman, what with your one (1) book club and all of your two social media accounts taking up all the time you could be much more productively spending here with one of your favorite people in the whole wide world, but you know how he is

 ** **Babs:**** Riiiight

 ** **Babs:**** Well have patience, eager beaver

 ** **Babs:**** Maybe if you grovel enough, I can visit again for spring break and we can spend some time together

 ** **Dick:**** Challenge accepted

 ** **Babs:**** Happy unbirthday, wonder boy ;)

 

* * *

 

****Zatanna > Arty ** **

****Sunday, December 20  
** ** ****22:56 EST** **

****

****Zatanna:**** is time travel real?

 ** **Arty:**** YOU SILLY DILLY BUMBLY FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this a dickbabs-indulgent chapter?


	9. Merry Chrysler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a new chapter! Sorry that updates are so slow, I've been pretty busy lately so rip.
> 
> Enjoy!

****Artemis > Megan** **

****Monday, December 21  
** ** ****18:33 EST** **

****

****Artemis:**** Whatcha doing?

 ** **Megan:**** I’m watching Bridge to Terabithia for the first time :D

 ** **Megan:**** I don’t know why Wally said I shouldn’t watch it, it’s such a sweet movie

 ** **Artemis:**** Oh yeah, just wait til the end. Jess and Leslie stay best friends forever and live happily ever after

 ** **Megan:**** Spoilers, but cute!

 

* * *

 

****Megan > Artemis ** **

****Monday, December 21  
** ** ****19:16 EST** **

****

****Megan:**** DAMN YOU TO THE DEEPEST DAARKHEST DEPTHS OF HELL

 ** **Artemis:**** You finished the movie?

 ** **Megan:**** I HOP E SATAN MAKES A BENDY STRAW OUT OF YOIUR SPINAL CHORD

 ** **Artemis:**** In my defense, you were warned  

 ** **Megan:**** GET OHGVE R HERE AND COMFORT ME YOU MONSTER

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph was Gay AF** **

****Tuesday, December 22  
** ** ****08:29 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** is it christmas yet

 ** **Artemis:**** No

 ** **Wally:**** oh

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph was Gay AF** **

****Tuesday, December 22  
** ** ****09:20 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** what about now

 ** **Artemis:**** No

 ** **Wally:**** oh

 

* * *

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph was Gay AF** **

****Tuesday, December 22  
** ** ****09:56 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** is it christmas now

 ** **Artemis:**** Yes

 ** **Wally:**** FINALLY

 ** **Artemis:**** Ha just kidding it’s not

 ** **Wally:**** :’(

 ** **Wally:**** where are u chriiishmaaas….

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Bread** **

****Tuesday, December 22  
** ** ****10:22 EST** **

****

****Bagél**** ** **:**** was annie……yknow…okay?

 ** **Rye Bread:**** Well there were bloodstains on the carpet, so the outlook is looking pretty grim from this angle.

 ** **Bagél**** ** **:**** maybe she fought back

 ** **Bagél**** ** **:**** I believe in her

 ** **Crouton:**** A touching thought, but odds are the guy killed her and chopped her up into teeny tiny pieces 

 ** **Bagél**** ** **:**** justice for annie 2k19

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Kon** **

****Tuesday, December 22  
** ** ****11:54 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** m’sir,,,

 ** **Wally:**** I need ur help

 ** **Wally:**** I hurt my ankle from running backwards down the hallway and tripping over an artificial armadillo that some theater kid left on the floor and I heard a crack but like. a lowkey crack. like if you did a line of cocaine but your cool new friend named Richie didn’t tell you it was actually just pixie stick dust and now you have a sinus infection but you can’t tell anyone becasue they’ll know you tried to do cocaine even though they should already know since the vine of you choking on nose powder went viral after only four hours which you really should have gotten paid for honestly because god knows it’s rough being an up and coming actor in this time and age

 ** **Kon:**** what…

 ** **Kon:**** what does this mean

 ** **Wally:**** it means I need you to carry me around until school ends por favor

 ** **Kon:**** sure

 ** **Wally:**** …wait really? it’s that easy?

 ** **Kon:**** yeah i dont mind

 ** **Wally:**** oh my god I didn’t think you would actually accept, this is great!

 ** **Wally:**** I am currently lying on the couch in the teachers lounge with my new best friend in the whole wide world mr. nelson bc he bought me an ice cream sandwich when I was crying over leg hurty so now I would die for him

 ** **Kon:**** fun

 ** **Kon:**** so do you want me to carry you bridal style or?

 ** **Wally:**** nah, just let me jump onto your shoulders and I can latch on like a koala

 ** **Wally:**** I’ve been told I’m very huggable

 ** **Wally:**** like a boa constrictor but instead of killing you I make you feel warm and safe and loved

 ** **Wally:**** I’m basically if you carried pikachu on your back

 ** **Wally:**** a pikachu/boa constrictor/koala hybrid, if you will

 ** **Wally:**** pikaoalarictor

 ** **Kon:**** on my way now

 ** **Kon:**** just give me a sec, im walking megan to class and then ill be right there

 ** **Wally:**** haha you’re hanging out with meggie? I didn’t know you guys became such good friends

 ** **Kon:**** uhh sure, lets call it that

 

* * *

 

****Roy > Kaldur ** **

****Wednesday, December 23  
** ** ****11:57 EST** **

****

****Roy:**** [image sent]

 ** **Roy:**** [image sent]

 ** **Kaldur:**** Stop sending me Shaggy memes.

 ** **Roy:**** [image sent]

 ** **Roy:**** [image sent]

 ** **Roy:**** [image sent]

 ** **Roy:**** No.

 ** **Roy:**** [image sent]

 ** **Roy:**** [image sent]

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Spill The Tea Sis** **

****Wednesday, December 23  
** ** ****13:08 EST** **

****

****Hot Chocolate:**** Ladies, I bring you good tidings of great tea-spilling joy which shall be to all people, for unto you is born this day in the city of Happy Harbor a Saviour, which is Some Juicy AF Stuff

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** ……Hello?

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** Are you kidding me? Not a single one of the three of you is online rn?

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** I go to all the effort of looking up a line from the Holy Bible Of Jesus + Friends to make my grand entrance, and no one is here to enjoy it? The nerve. The audacity. The waste

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** ATTENTION I NEED ATTENTION!!!

 ** **Chamomile:**** sorry i was just climbing mount everest what’s up

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** Hrmmmmm

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** Dont worry I saw the notifications, I just didnt feel like using my thumbs because I beat Cam in a thumb war that took up the whole class period

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** People placed bets. Videos were taken. The teacher cried  

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** In unrelatd news, it turns out Im great at typing with the tip of my nose

 ** **Lemonade:**** Does anyone want a cranberry scone? We made them in home ec

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** Megan, my darling ray of sunshine, I would love a scone

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** I’ll have to make my announcement quick though because texting while walking makes me carsick

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** I’m sorry what

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** SO

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** Earlier I was at the mall with my good friend Wally West, supreme ruler of a small village in Antarctica which is populated only by zombie rabbits and blue-footed boobie birds. You may know him

 ** **Chamomile:**** i believe i’ve seen him once or twice yes

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** I have never met that man before in my life

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** Well we were talking about stuff, and at one point he mentioned that he was thinking about asking ol’ Megurt here on a date

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** Which of course could only mean two possible things:

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** One: He is suicidal and wants Conner to be the one to end it all for him

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** Or…..drum roll please………..

 ** **Hot Chocolate:**** He has no idea Kon and Megan are dating

 ** **Chamomile:**** oh my god

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** This is

 ** **Lemonade:**** Poor Wally, I hope I haven’t been leading him on this whole time :(

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** This is GREAT

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** Can I be the one to tell him?

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** Please please PLEASE let me be the one to tell him I’m begging you

 ** **Lemonade:**** No

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** Please

 ** **Lemonade:**** No

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** Please

 ** **Lemonade:**** No

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** PleaSE

 ** **Lemonade:**** Fine

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** YES

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** Be right back

 ** **Lemonade:**** Be nice to him!!!

 ** **Lemonade:**** He has a fragile soul

 

* * *

 

****Artemis > Baywatch ** **

****Wednesday, December 23  
** ** ****13:34 EST** **

****

****Artemis:**** Knock knock

 ** **Baywatch:**** howdy

 ** **Artemis:**** Knock knock

 ** **Baywatch:**** who’s there?

 ** **Artemis:**** Megan is dating Conner

 ** **Baywatch:**** …...I don’t get it

 ** **Artemis:**** They’re dating

 ** **Artemis:**** Stop flirting with her and find someone else, you weirdo

 ** **Baywatch:**** D:

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Spill The Tea Sis** **

****Wednesday, December 23  
** ** ****13:36 EST** **

****

****One Black Coffee:**** That was fun

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** I should break people’s hearts more often

 ** **Lemonade:**** You were mean weren’t you

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** I just said what needed to be said

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** If that method happened to be a bit brusque, then so be it

 ** **Lemonade:**** You killed his heart

 ** **One Black Coffee:**** He needed to get his head out of the clouds ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

* * *

 

****Kaldur > Roy ** **

****Thursday, December 24  
** ** ****11:20 EST** **

****

****Kaldur:**** [image sent]

 ** **Kaldur:**** [image sent]

 ** **Roy:**** WHO GAVE YOU THOSE PICTURES??

 ** **Kaldur:**** I have my sources.

 ** **Roy:**** Artemis is a traitor and she is hereby evicted from my life.

 ** **Kaldur:**** I’m not going to ask about the Santa Buddies sweater, just.

 ** **Kaldur:**** Why are the reindeer antlers charred at the ends?

 ** **Roy:**** LISTEN IT WAS A WILD CHRISTMAS PARTY OKAY.

 ** **Kaldur:**** Mhm.

 ** **Kaldur:**** [image sent]

 ** **Kaldur:**** You look dead inside.

 ** **Kaldur:**** [image sent]

 ** **Kaldur:**** [image sent]

 ** **Roy:**** STOP ZOOMING IN ON MY FACE!

 ** **Kaldur:**** [image sent]

 ** **Kaldur:**** No.

 ** **Kaldur:**** [image sent]

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Megalicious ** **

****Thursday, December 24  
** ** ****13:19 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** hey

 ** **Megalicious:**** Hi

 ** **Wally:**** so… artemis told me you were dating conner?

 ** **Megalicious:**** Yeah, for a few weeks now. I’m sorry if I led you on at all :(

 ** **Wally:**** dude no don’t worry lmao just

 ** **Wally:**** sorry about all the jokes and pickup lines, like if they made you uncomfortable or anything

 ** **Wally:**** I swear if I had known I would have backed off

 ** **Wally:**** I’m actually super happy for you guys? that’s pretty awesome

 ** **Megalicious:**** Don’t worry about it! And thank you

 ** **Megalicious:**** And to be honest, I sort of liked the pickup lines? They were funny

 ** **Wally:**** oh okay

 ** **Wally:**** I mean, I could keep sending them if you want

 ** **Wally:**** platonically, of course

 ** **Megalicious:**** If you want to, then sure!

 ** **Megalicious:**** Just keep it platonic and we’ll be all good

 ** **Wally:**** no problemo, megs :)

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay** **

****Thursday, December 24  
** ** ****14:47 EST** **

****

****Conner:**** hey guys look im on a farm

 ** **Conner:**** [image sent]

 ** **Conner:**** every christmas we go to see my dads family for a week in smallville so now im hanging out with my new best friend who i named horse

 ** **Zatanna:**** cool!!! can i come i want to see the chickens

 ** **Conner:**** i mean i would have tried to smuggle you in but i dont think you would fit in my suitcase

 ** **Artemis:**** Wait wait wait let me get this straight

 ** **Artemis:**** I CAN SEE YOU ALL TYPING STOP IT I ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOURE GONNA SAY

 ** **Wally:**** but you’re not straight

 ** **Raquel:**** But you’re not straight

 ** **Dick:**** But you’re not straight

 ** **Artemis:**** I KNOW I KNOW NOW SHUT UP FOR FIVE SECONDS

 ** **Artemis:**** God it’s like talking with the seagulls from Nemo

 ** **Artemis:**** So you, Conner Kent, have family who lives on an actual farm

 ** **Conner:**** i used to live around here too before we moved

 ** **Artemis:**** Even better

 ** **Artemis:**** So, with this new information, I have only one question for you

 ** **Artemis:**** ……….does this mean you say y’all

 ** **Conner:**** NO

 ** **Artemis:**** I think you’re a liar

 ** **Wally:**** CONNER SAYS Y’ALL! CONNER SAYS Y’ALL! CONNER SAYS Y’

 ** **Conner:**** NO NO I DO NOT

 ** **Megan:**** He did once I was there

 ** **Conner:**** SHES LYING

 ** **Dick:**** Oh my god

 ** **Dick:**** I can’t believe our own sweet innocent Conner is actually a hillbilly in disguise

 ** **Dick:**** You con man

 ** **Conner:**** no!!!

 ** **Conner:**** also come on ive lived in rhode island for six years thats gotta count for something

 ** **Wally:**** ur so right ur so right

 ** **Wally:**** everyone, we have been bad friends to this poor boy

 ** **Wally:**** he’s not a hillbilly

 ** **Conner:**** thank you wally <3

 ** **Wally:**** he has moved on from that dark point in his life and started over, which means technically he is only six years old I don’t make the rules

 ** **Dick:**** As always Wally you are absolutely correct

 ** **Dick:**** Happy sixth birthday Conner

 ** **Conner:**** die

 ** **Zatanna:**** only six and already he can spell. i’m so proud :’)

 ** **Kaldur:**** They grow up so fast…

 ** **Artemis:**** This is so fucking funny oh my god

 ** **Raquel:**** Artemis!!! Don’t cuss in front of the child he has little ears

 ** **Conner:**** youre all dead to me

 ** **Megan:**** I can’t believe I’m dating a six year old

 ** **Conner:**** megan??? my own girlfriend??? how could you

 ** **Megan:**** Sorry honey but I’m an agent of chaos ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay** **

****Thursday, December 24  
** ** ****17:59 EST** **

 

 ** **Conner:**** [image sent]

 ** **Conner:**** [image sent]

 ** **Conner:**** [image sent]

 ** **Conner:**** i keep finding weird animals here

 ** **Megan:**** PIGS!!

 ** **Megan:**** I love pigs

 ** **Conner:**** his name is kevin bacon

 ** **Megan:**** W ha t an ang el,,,,

 ** **Dick:**** I would die for him

 ** **Conner:**** [image sent]

 ** **Conner:**** okay now what the fuck is this

 ** **Conner:**** it honked at me

 ** **Wally:**** ah yes, the elusive rat-gator

 ** **Wally:**** they were imported to the u.s. from australia in 1869 to be turned into super soldiers and take over the world but they failed because their love for crackers overcame their murderous instincts

 ** **Conner:**** nature is extraordinary

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF** **

****Friday, December 25  
** ** ****05:08 EST** **

****

****Dick:**** Happy crimmus

 ** **Dick:**** It’s crinmus

 ** **Dick:**** Murry crisis

 ** **Dick:**** Merry chrysler

 

* * *

 

****Artemis > Baywatch ** **

****Friday, December 25  
** ** ****10:39 EST** **

****

****Artemis:**** Are you tired

 ** **Baywatch:**** uhhh, not really? why?

 ** **Artemis:**** Oh, I just thought you’d be tired today after 

 ** **Artemis:**** You know  

 ** **Artemis:**** Pulling around Santa’s sleigh all night

 **Baywatch:** oh my god you loser 

 ** **Baywatch:**** how long did it take you to think of that

 ** **Artemis:**** Like half an hour and it was worth every second

 ** **Baywatch:**** uh huh

 ** **Baywatch:**** merry christmas arty

 ** **Artemis:**** Merry Christmas, Rudolph ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mur crimmus


	10. The Coolest Beans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so tired rn that I just blinked and my eyes stayed closed for a good two minutes. 
> 
> Anyways, enjoy this chapter! I need a nap.

****Wally > Blondie ** **

****Thursday, December 31  
** ** ****13:08 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** come to my house

****Blondie:**** Why

****Wally:**** there’s a spider on my ceiling and iris isn’t home to get it

****Blondie:**** Where’s your uncle, can't he do it?

****Wally:**** he’s hiding with me in the bathroom with a bottle of bug spray and a hockey stick 

****Wally:**** please save us

****Blondie:**** I hope you know I’m sighing very heavily right now

****Wally:**** pweeeeeeease?

****Blondie:**** Ugh fine

****Blondie:****  I’ll be right over

****Wally:**** THANK YOU

****

* * *

 

****Zatanna > Dickie ** **

****Thursday, December 31  
** ** ****18:21 EST** **

****

****Zatanna:**** i want a parrot so i can teach it to scream fuck at people

****Dickie:**** Even better, make it tell everyone that it’s a person who got turned into a parrot by a witch who claims to be his owner

****Zatanna:**** perfect! that ties right into my lifelong dream to be burned at the stake for witchcraft, so 2 in 1!

****Dickie:**** Yeah!

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF** **

****Thursday, December 31  
** ** ****20:40 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** who wants to kiss me at midnight

****Artemis:**** Not it

****Kaldur:**** Not it.

****Conner:**** not it

****Megan:**** Not it

****Raquel:**** Not it

****Wally:**** why do you all hate me

****Megan:**** We love you! <3

****Megan:**** But knowing you as a human person, I think we’re being more than reasonable with this

****Wally:**** but I have no one to kiss at midnight :’(

****Wally:**** I’m a lonely fella

****Wally:**** I spend my afternoons weeping into a throw pillow and imagining my future apartment with the 200 cats I will inevitably have ten years from now

****Artemis:**** That’s depressing

****Wally:**** it sure is

****Wally:**** so you should kiss me and make me not a lonely lobster

****Artemis:**** No

****Wally:**** boo you whore

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF** **

****Friday, January 1  
** ** ****08:29 EST** **

****

****Kaldur:**** Who wants to hear their New Year’s resolutions?

****Dick:**** Don’t you mean who wants to SAY their resolutions?

****Kaldur:**** No, because I am pleased to report that I have taken the liberty of making all of your resolutions for you.

****Raquel:**** Inch resting

****Raquel:**** What’s mine?

****Kaldur:**** Learn to knit.

****Raquel:**** Why?

****Kaldur:**** Because I need a friend who can join my kitting circle so I don’t have to be lonely while all of the other members talk to each other.

****Dick:**** Who else is in it?

****Kaldur:**** My mother, my step-father, and my pet starfish.

****Raquel:**** A valid point. I’ll learn to knit

****Kaldur:**** Roy, your resolution is to be more organized.

****Roy:**** I think I’m already pretty organized, no?

****Kaldur:**** Last time I went to your house there was underwear duct-taped to the ceiling.

****Roy:**** Those were my spy underpants.

****Kaldur:**** Zatanna, you need to drink more water.

****Zatanna:**** but i’m allergic

****Kaldur:**** Dick, you and Conner are taking ice dancing lessons together and competing at the regionals competition fourteen years from today.

****Dick:**** YES I am so fuckking ready

****Conner:**** oh my god i can throw you up in the air like a frisbee

****Dick:**** YEAH YEAH YEAH we’ll be yuri on ice

****Conner:**** YES

****Wally:**** I’m gonna go ahead and guess mine is being more quiet?

****Kaldur:**** No.

****Wally:**** oh

****Wally:**** what is it then? to be less annoying? to stop bothering you with my dumb jokes all the time?

****Kaldur:**** To love yourself more.

****Wally:**** …

****Wally:**** th-tha anks dad,,,

****Artemis:**** I want to know what mine is

****Zatanna:**** DON’T TELL HER

****Zatanna:**** DON’T U DARE DO IT KAL

****Dick:**** Why not?

****Zatanna:**** because one time i told artemis i thought her laugh was a little weird and the next day i found a dead frog in my bed

****Conner:**** what are you, a vengeful mob boss?

****Artemis:**** Hey, talk shit get dead frogs

****Kaldur:**** Well, I was going to say that Artemis’ resolution is to trust her friends more, but now I think I should change it to “Don’t give your friends dead amphibians.”

****Wally:**** yeah, we don’t want your amphia beans

****Megan:**** What’s my resolution?

****Kaldur:**** Oh, you don’t have one because you are already perfect.

****Megan:**** Awwww Kaldur <3

****Megan:**** You’re right, I am

****Dick:**** This game is rigged

****Dick:**** Kaldur, it has been decided by us the people that your resolution is to jaywalk because you deserve to suffer after this blatant favoritism

****Zatanna:**** seriously? that’s it? that’s like the easiest thing in the world, i do it all the time

****Kaldur:**** Oh my god how could you ask me to put my life on the line like this Dick, I am gOING TO GET ARRESTED AND GO TO PRISON FOREVER AND BE FORCED TO GET MORE TATTOOS AND I WILL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO GO TO HARVARD 

****Zatanna:**** huh. i stand corrected

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF** **

****Sunday, January 3  
** ** ****09:11 EST** **

****

****Zatanna:**** someone help i can’t decide on what to wear today

****Zatanna:**** should i go with my pink sweater and jeans, or a yellow skirt and nothing else

****Artemis:**** Just go fully naked and tell everyone it’s for a new trendy religious holiday

****Zatanna:**** bold of u to assume i won’t

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Ginger #2 ** **

****Sunday, January 3  
** ** ****15:09 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** spencil spelled backwards is lick nips and I think that’s important

****Ginger #2:**** Everything about that sentence is wrong.

 

* * *

 

****Artemis > Bitch In Law** **

****Wednesday, January 6  
** ** ****17:31 EST** **

 

****Artemis:**** Hey don’t ditch gym tomorrow, okay? I need a badminton partner who’s actually competent for once

****Artemis:****  And if I’m left alone to deal with yet another dude whining about being beaten twelve times in a row, I swear to god I’m going to start aiming for eyes

****Bitch In Law:**** You need anger management.

****Artemis:**** Bold words for a guy who spends his nights catfishing homophobes on facebook

****Bitch In Law:**** Correction, that’s a “hot and single blonde named Mindy” who catfishes homophobes on facebook, thank you very much.

****Bitch In Law:**** By the way, I was hoping to run an issue by you for a sec, and only because I need to talk about it to someone so it might as well be you because you don’t count as a person.

****Artemis:**** Bitch

****Bitch In Law:**** So if you could just give me your kindest, most supportive, non-bitchiest input on this that would be swell.

****Artemis:**** That’s a tall order

****Bitch In Law:**** I’ll make you a root beer float.

****Artemis:**** …I’m listening

****Bitch In Law:****  The other day, Kaldur mentioned that he liked the musical Rent.

****Bitch In Law:**** So that night I watched the whole movie twice.

****Artemis:**** Why?

****Bitch In Law:**** Because I may have possibly mentioned that it was my favorite musical too as a way to talk to him more?

****Artemis:**** You lost me

****Bitch In Law:**** …

****Artemis:**** Wait

****Artemis:**** Oh

****Artemis:**** OH

****Artemis:**** Wow okay

****Bitch In Law:**** Yeah.

****Artemis:**** So you are bringing me into this conversation to tell me that you’re crushing on Kaldur? Gross 

****Bitch In Law:**** I don’t know? It feels different than it did when I liked Jade so I have no idea what’s going on.

****Artemis:**** Well I think that’s just because Jade tried to jump your bones two minutes after meeting you, but I get what you mean

****Bitch In Law:**** Right now Kaldur and I are friends and that’s great, but there have been moments where it felt different but I didn’t exactly know HOW, you know? And I still can’t figure out if I actually like him or if I just like him as a friend or maybe I hate his guts and am too dumb to figure it out.

****Artemis:**** Well that’s…complicated

****Artemis:**** So what are you going to do about it?

****Bitch In Law:**** Uhhhhh I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. I’m not very organized. I just needed to vent, and you seemed like a good confidant because you have no other friends.

****Artemis:**** Eat a cactus

****Bitch In Law:**** Listen though, promise me you won’t tell anyone about this for now okay? At least until I figure it all out.

****Artemis:**** Sure, whatever. I stopped caring about this two seconds after you first texted me anyway

****Bitch In Law:****  Pinkie swear.

****Artemis:**** What are you, five?

****Bitch In Law:**** Pinkie Swear Me Artemis. 

****Artemis:**** Fiiiiine you actual toddler. Pinkie swear

****Bitch In Law:**** Thank you. And in return, I’ll help you beat people’s asses at badminton tomorrow in addition to the root beer.

****Artemis:**** Deal

****

* * *

 

****Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF** **

****Friday, January 8  
** ** ****16:16 EST** **

****

****Wally has renamed the conversation:** ** **_**_Me Hoy Minoy_ ** _ **

****Megan:**** Thank you for your contribution

****Wally:**** you are so completely welcome

****Kaldur:**** When this chat first started, it was a simple GSA instant messaging system and you all have hijacked it and made it into something else and I don't know how to feel about it.

****Megan:**** If by “something else” you mean a super awesome rainbow clubhouse, then yes absolutely

****Wally:**** very well said

****Megan:**** Why thank you, good sir

****Kaldur:**** By the way, I have been meaning to ask what you all have thought of our “den mothers” so far. Today was certainly entertaining.

****Wally:**** oh yeah, ms. lance is awesome so I had fun

****Wally:**** she is my second best friend in the whole wide world

****Dick:**** Awww, and I’m your first?

****Wally:**** no, the geico gecko actually 

****Wally:**** but you can be third if you want

****Dick:**** Hell yeah third place

****Dick:**** Eat my ass, no-placers

****Roy:**** Given the fact that she’s my stepmom it probably should’ve been awkward, but she’s strangely awesome so.

****Zatanna:**** after the meeting she showed me how to flip someone over my shoulder and snap their collarbone 

****Zatanna:**** i idolize her

****Artemis:**** Mr. Curry from before the break was interesting

****Conner:**** he smelled like fish

****Kaldur:**** Yes, Mr. Curry is the swim team coach.

****Zatanna:**** i thought u guys used the pool in the school basement? there aren’t any fish in there

****Kaldur:**** There are if you do Extreme Water Aerobics™ with piranhas.

****Artemis:**** *laughs nervously* What the fuck?

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Saturday, January 9  
** ** ****13:21 EST** **

****

****Raquel:**** Raise your hand if you trust me

****Kaldur:**** If you people care about me at all you will not listen to anything she says, thank you.

****Raquel:**** HUSh Kallie this is for your own good

****Zatanna:**** i trust u with my life

****Kaldur:**** Are you with me or against me, Zee??

****Zatanna:**** yes

****Conner:**** whats the deal?

****Raquel:**** Kaldur doesn’t trust me enough to pierce his ear, which I think is absolute hogwash because I’ve seen it done in youtube videos before so that basically makes me an expert

****Kaldur:**** Yeahhhh, no.

****Raquel:**** Okay but I am offering to do it for FREE. Going to a place to do it is a waste of money because I’m a professional

****Dick:**** Wait, Kaldur you actually want an earring? Raquel didn’t just kidnap you and tie you to a chair and force you to let her stick you with a needle?

****Raquel:**** Excuse you, I’m not completely insane

****Raquel:**** Just a tiny bit insane

****Kaldur:**** Yes.

****Artemis:**** Yes she’s crazy, or yes you wanted the earring

****Kaldur:**** Both.

****Zatanna:**** unexpected, but neat!

****Zatanna:**** in that case u should definitely let her do it

****Zatanna:**** she did all of her earrings herself and she looks fantabulous

****Raquel:**** See? It’ll be easy peasy

****Conner:**** how come you want the earring anyway? thats so unlike you, the calm responsible guy

****Kaldur:**** No reason.

****Kaldur:**** And Raquel, if I get an infection and my ear falls off I’m suing you.

****Raquel:**** Does that mean you’re letting me do it?

****Kaldur:**** Yes. But only if you promise not to mess up and maim me for life. Also I would like a lollipop after. 

****Raquel:**** YAY let’s do this thing

****Raquel:**** Byeeee gays, off to go stab my bestie in the ear

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Saturday, January 9  
** ** ****15:42 EST** **

 

****Kaldur:**** [image sent]

**Kaldur:** I am a cool guy now. 

****Wally:**** NOICE

****Zatanna:**** that looks awesome!

****Raquel:**** Told ya I do good work

****Dick:**** Did he cry?

****Kaldur:**** No.

****Raquel:**** Like a baby

****Kaldur:**** Only a little.

****Raquel:**** It took ten minutes and a snickers bar for him to realize I hadn’t even stuck him with the needle yet

**Kaldur:** Must you shame me in front of my peers?

**Dick:** Yes

**Zatanna:** it's our job as ur friends to shame u 

****Wally:**** I want a bellybutton ring

****Dick:**** Why?

****Wally:**** so I can be like britney spears, duh

****Dick:**** Oh my god you’re right I want that too

****Wally:**** we’re gonna look Toxic

****Dick:**** Just don’t Hold It Against Me if I pull it off better than you

****Wally:**** don’t worry, I’ll just Slap You Into Infinity Baby One More Time

****Dick:**** Are you sure that’s how the song goes?

****Wally:**** yes

 

* * *

 

****Kaldur > Roy ** **

****Saturday, January 9  
** ** ****16:13 EST** **

 

****Kaldur:**** [image sent]

****Kaldur:**** What do you think?

****Kaldur:**** …Hello?

 

* * *

 

****Roy > Satan** **

****Saturday, January 9  
** ** ****16:17 EST** **

 

****Roy:**** ASDFGHJKLSDF HELP I'M DYING. 

****Satan:**** What is it now?

****Roy:**** [image sent]

****Roy:**** LOOK!!!!

****Satan:**** Yeah, I saw that already

****Satan:**** What’s the deal?

****Roy:**** THE DEAL IS THAT HE LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING ROMAN G O D.

****Roy:**** LOOK AT THOSE CHEEKBONES! THAT JAWLINE! HE’S SO FUCKING HOT HELP ME.

****Satan:**** Oh, boy

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Wednesday, January 14  
** ** ****10:39 EST** **

 

****Zatanna:**** help there are girls with nose rings vaping in the bathroom and I really need to pee

****Raquel:**** Use the boy’s one

****Zatanna:**** okay

****Zatanna:**** update: i walked in and said “hello fellow males” and no one even cared? they barely looked at me

****Raquel:**** Wow, kudos to those trans supportive boys

****Zatanna:**** i am currently in the stall and have never felt more powerful in my life

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Bread** **

****Thursday, January 15  
** ** ****14:12 EST** **

****

****Bagél:****  [image sent]

****Bagél:****  GUESS WHO GOT AN A+ ON THEIR PROJECT, FELLERS!!!

****Crouton:**** Eat our dust, hoes

****Rye Bread:**** Wow, you two managed to actually work together towards a common goal? I’m shocked.

****Bagél:**** thank you

****Crouton:**** I don’t think that was a compliment

****Rye Bread:**** She’s right it wasn’t.

****Bagél:**** count yourself lucky I’m too proud to care about your blatant unsupportiveness in this dojo

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Blondie ** **

****Thursday, January 15  
** ** ****16:10 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** hey

****Blondie:**** Hey

****Blondie:**** What’s up

****Wally:**** Ijust wanted to talk to you about something real quick? if that’s okay

****Blondie:**** Go for it

****Wally:**** so this is probably going to sound way better in my head than out loud, but I just wanted to let you know that I liked doing that project with you

****Wally:**** I mean, I know it was just a dumb assignment that wasn’t even worth that much, but I NEVER thought we would be able to work together on anything without one of us punching each other in the face, y’know?

****Wally**** : but we did, and tbh it was pretty cool. I kind of liked hanging out with you like that

****Wally:**** we’re a pretty good team

****Wally:**** okay yeah, I’m rereading this and it DEFINITELY sounded better in my head so I’m gonna just. duck out of here,,,

****Blondie:**** No, lmao Wally it’s okay

****Blondie:**** I agree with you, actually?

****Wally:**** you do?

****Blondie:**** Turns out you’re not as irritating and stupid as I thought you were, so

****Blondie:**** Yeah

****Blondie:**** I liked hanging out with you too

****Wally:**** oh

****Wally:**** okay, that’s good

****Wally:**** so… we’re friends, then?

****Blondie:**** Friends

**Wally:** like, actual friends? not just two people who happen to hang in the same group and casually hate each other for life? 

**Blondie:** What do you want, a marriage proposal?

**Blondie:** Yes, Wally, we are officially friends

**Blondie:** Satisfied? 

****Wally:**** cool beans (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

****Blondie:**** Aaaaaaand you just ruined it

****Wally:**** can’t stop won’t stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ROmance ahead? 
> 
> Uh, yEAH, I sure HOPE it is


	11. We Should Totally Just Stab Caesar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's day, you funky fellers! <3<3<3

********Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Wednesday, January 21  
** ** ****11:02 EST** **

****

****Artemis:**** Where in fuck is Zatanna

 ** **Dick:**** I’ll do you one better, WHO in fuck is Zatanna?

 ** **Roy:**** I’ll do you one better, WHY in fuck is Zatanna?

 ** **Wally:**** hang on citizens, I’ve got this

 ** **Wally:**** ahem

 ** **Wally:**** *cups hands around mouth* MAGIC ISN’T REAL!!!

 ** **Zatanna:**** what the FUCK did u just say to me u waluigi knockoff???

 ** **Wally:**** found her

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Megalicious ** **

****Wednesday, January 21  
** ** ****16:30 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** that’s a nice cardigan you’re wearing, but do you know where it would look even better? ;)

 ** **Wally:**** on nobody else, because you’re a mcfucking beautiful individual and a great friend

 ** **Megalicious:**** Awww

 ** **Megalicious:**** Thanks, Wally :3c

 

* * *

 

****Artemis > Bitch In Law ** **

****Thursday, January 22  
** ** ****02:58 EST** **

****

****Artemis:**** How many times do I have to send you passive-aggressive memes for you to get that I need to borrow a laptop charger

 ** **Artemis:**** I KNOW YOU’RE AWAKE, ASSHOLE

 ** **Artemis:**** LET ME IN IT’S COLD OUTSIDE

 ** **Bitch In Law:**** Sorry I’m in bed with the influenza, please leave a message after the beep.

 ** **Artemis:**** I can see you T-posing at a raccoon through your window

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Friday, January 23  
** ** ****12:49 EST** **

****

****Megan:**** A girl in my gov class keeps saying that just because I’m wearing a skirt doesn’t mean I can use the girl’s bathroom, and now I’m hiding under my jacket so she can’t see me crying but this is t otall y fi ne :’)

 ** **Conner:**** which classroom is it

 ** **Megan:**** 273 on the east side

 ** **Conner:**** ill be right there honey hold on

 ** **Dick:**** Which girl is it?

 ** **Megan:**** Madison from biology :(

 ** **Dick:**** Okay give me a sec

 ** **Wally:**** FUCK MADISON

 ** **Wally:**** she’s a transphobic bitch and I’m gonna fight her for making you cry okay megan I’ve got your back

 ** **Dick:**** Hey Megs? Tell Madison her teeth are uneven and that’s why Josh left her

 ** **Megan:**** Why?

 ** **Dick:**** Just do it please

 ** **Megan:**** Okay

 ** **Megan:**** She’s crying now

 ** **Dick:**** You’re welcome :)

 ** **Raquel:**** How did you know that would work??

 ** **Dick:**** It pays to keep tabs on other people’s weaknesses

 ** **Dick:**** I have files on all of you as well should the need arise to destroy you

 ** **Roy:**** You worry me.

 ** **Dick:**** Thanks

 ** **Conner:**** megan get your stuff, im in the next hallway over

 ** **Conner:**** im kidnapping you and we are going to build a bear

 ** **Megan:**** You’re the best <3

 ** **Conner:**** …after we fuck up that bitch lets shave her head

 ** **Megan:**** CONNER NO

 ** **Dick:**** CONNER YES

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Friday, January 24  
** ** ****09:23 EST** **

****

****Zatanna:**** LISTEN UP GAYS WE HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT

 ** **Wally:**** LADIES, GENTS, AND QUEERS OF ALL AGES, LEND ME YOUR EAR

 ** **Kaldur:**** Not another announcement... I still haven’t recovered from your tuna salad PSA.

 ** **Wally:**** Y E S ANOTHER ANNOUNCEMENT

 ** **Zatanna:**** NOW SHUT UR TRAP KALDUR, THIS IS IMPORTANT

 ** **Dick:**** Uh oh, Wally and Zatanna are working together guys

 ** **Dick:**** That’s never a good sign

 ** **Wally:**** WE ARE A FANTABULOUS DYNAMIC DUO AND YOU CAN’T CHANGE MY MIND

 ** **Artemis:**** What are you two up to now

 ** **Wally:**** WELLLLL SINCE YOU ASKED SO NICELY

 ** **Zatanna:**** WE, BEING THE GREAT SCIENTIFIC MINDS WE ARE,

 ** **Wally:**** HAVE CONCOCTED A TRULY WONDERFUL AND AWE-INSPIRING IDEA,

 ** **Zatanna:**** WHICH WILL BLOW UR MINDS TO THE EDGE OF INFINITY ITSELF

 ** **Wally:**** PUT YOUR GENTLY-LOTIONED HANDS TOGETHER, BECAUSE WE HEREBY PRESENT TO YOUUUUUUUU U U U U

 ** **Zatanna:**** a scheme

 ** **Wally:**** a schemy scheme

 ** **Zatanna:**** dare i say, the schemiest of schemes

 ** **Artemis:**** This is like the first ten minutes of an old technicolor disney movie  

 ** **Wally:**** does nobody appreciate a good old-fashioned, long-winded exposition anymore???

 ** **Roy:**** No. Now please just get on with it before I die of old age.

 ** **Wally:**** bold of you to assume you’re not already a 30 y/o dad trapped in a teenager’s body

 ** **Roy:****  I will fucking annihilate you with a fondue skewer.

 ** **Wally:**** bRING IT OLD MAN

 ** **Kaldur:**** WALLY! BEHAVE.

 ** **Wally:**** FINE

 ** **Wally:**** as I am sure you all know, we will be having a new den mother for today’s meeting

 ** **Zatanna:**** a certain den mother by the name of mr. marvel, aka that fun substitute who just started this year so he’s super young and cool  

 ** **Wally:**** now, mr. marvel is very nice compared to the other teachers in our school  

 ** **Zatanna:**** and naive

 ** **Wally:**** and, most importantly, easily tricked

 ** **Conner:**** hes not like a regular mom, hes like a cool mom

 ** **Raquel:**** Did

 ** **Raquel:**** Did you just quote Amy Poehler?

 ** **Wally:**** (please ignore conner, we watched mean girls together last night and I regret everything)

 ** **Conner:**** boo you whore

 ** **Zatanna:**** aNYWAY

 ** **Zatanna:**** as loyal students, we believe it is our duty to take advantage of this naivety

 ** **Wally:**** in an event so astounding, so devious, it will be celebrated on this very day every year for generations

 ** **Dick:**** For the love of GOD just spit it out you drama queens

 ** **Wally:**** FINE

 ** **Wally:**** we’re going to convince him to buy us all taco bell, you in?

 ** **Raquel:**** Oh, why didn’t you just lead with that?

 ** **Raquel:**** I’m in

 ** **Conner:**** that sounds so fetch

 ** **Megan:**** I could go for Taco Bell

 ** **Artemis:**** I skipped lunch to throw ketchup-covered tampons at the swim team, so I’m starving

 ** **Kaldur:**** That was you??  
  
****Roy:**** Sign me up, I love free food.

 ** **Raquel:**** But how are we going to pull it off?

 ** **Zatanna:**** we were just about to get to that part, but /SOMEBODY/ got impatient

 ** **Wally:**** we’re going to claim the cafeteria ran out of food and started feeding everyone peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

 ** **Artemis:**** How will that do anything?

 ** **Zatanna:**** as of right now, every single one of us is “deathly allergic to peanut butter”

 ** **Wally:**** just act super sad and hungry, and dickhead over here is going to hack into marvel’s computer so he keeps getting subliminal messages in the form of taco bell ads, and badda bing badda boom we’re home free

 ** **Dick:**** Ooh, I like this plan

 ** **Zatanna:**** it’s foolproof

 ** **Raquel:**** I could use a baja blast, let’s do this thing

 ** **Conner:**** whatever, im getting cheese fries

 ** **Kaldur:**** While I don’t think I should be condoning tricking a teacher into buying us food, I HAVE been craving a burrito all day…

 ** **Kaldur:**** Why not?

 ** **Wally:**** YES dad’s on board! let’s go team!!

****

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Friday, January 24  
** ** ****14:10 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** all right guys, in a few minutes I’m going to “pass out” from starvation. I need one of you to tell mr. marvel that I’m a level 10 diabetic and I need a taco to heal me okay ready set GO

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Friday, January 24  
** ** ****15:32 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** we did good work today, soldiers

 ** **Zatanna:**** i’m proud of us

 ** **Conner:**** we should have marvel as our den mother more often

 ** **Conner:**** hes so fetch

 ** **Artemis:**** Please stop

 ** **Kaldur:**** To be honest, he looked just as happy with his kid’s meal as we all did, so I don’t even regret tricking him.

 ** **Dick:**** Btw, I stole about a hundred hot sauce packets from the restaurant in case anyone would like to purchase one for $5

 ** **Roy:**** You’re selling hot sauce packets?

 ** **Dick:**** Hey, a guy’s gotta earn a living somehow

 ** **Roy:**** You do realize you get driven to school in a limousine every day, right?

 ** **Dick:**** Your point is?  

 ** **Wally:**** I’ll take twelve

 ** **Conner:**** twelve for you glen coco, you go glen coco

 ** **Artemis:**** What the hell do you need 12 hot sauce packets for???

 ** **Wally:**** I like to put a gradually increasing number of drops of hot sauce into That Bitch Madison’s latte every morning when she’s not looking to see how many it’ll take for her to notice

 ** **Wally:**** so far I’ve gotten up to 37 drops

 ** **Zatanna:**** chaotic good  

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Kaldur ** **

****Sunday, January 26  
** ** ****13:12 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** do you think I could pull off an emo choker?

 ** **Kaldur:**** Please don’t try it.

 ** **Wally:**** too late, I’m already in hot topic

 

* * *

 

****Megan > Conner <3 ** **

****Sunday, January 26  
** ** ****15:16 EST** **

****

****Megan:**** Do you want to meet at the restaurant, or are you picking me up?

 ** **Conner <3: ****why are you so obsessed with me?

 ** **Megan:**** How come when Wally makes you watch a movie you immediately become obsessed with it, but when we watched When In Rome together two weeks ago you fell asleep ten minutes in?

 ** **Conner <3: ****oh my god danny devito i love his work

 

* * *

 

****Megan > Conner <3 ** **

****Sunday, January 26  
** ** ****15:33 EST** **

 

 ** **Megan:**** I’m trying to decide between the pink skirt and the beige one…what do you think?  

 ** **Megan:****  [image sent]

 ** **Conner <3: ****that is the ugliest effing skirt ive ever seen 

 ** **Megan:**** You are no help

 ** **Conner <3: ****on wednesdays we wear pink

 ** **Megan:**** How much longer are you going to keep this up?

 ** **Conner <3: ****the limit does not exist

 

* * *

 

****Conner > Megan ** **

****Sunday, January 26  
** ** ****16:12 EST** **

****

****Conner:**** get in loser were going shopping

 ** **Megan:**** I am judging you so hard right now

 ** **Conner:**** im sorry that youre so jealous of me, but i cant help it that im popular

 ** **Megan:**** STOP

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Tuesday, January 28  
** ** ****08:08 EST** **

****

****Dick:**** I did something bad

 ** **Raquel:**** Ooh, spill all the tea honey

 ** **Artemis:**** What did you do?

 ** **Dick:**** That Bitch Madison came up to me during lunch and asked me where GSA met because she wanted to come “protest the gays”

 ** **Roy:**** Holy shit.

 ** **Dick:**** I know, right???

 ** **Dick:**** So anyways I gave her directions to a crack house

 ** **Kaldur:**** Dick.

 ** **Dick:**** aaaand possibly filled her locker with rainbow sprinkles

 ** **Kaldur:**** DICK.

 ** **Dick:**** I WAS MAD, OKAY?

 ** **Wally:**** dick I am so fucking PROUD of you oh my god

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Thursday, January 30  
** ** ****14:31 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** HELLO, MEGAN!

 ** **Dick:**** HELLO, WALLY!

 ** **Artemis:**** HELLO, DICK!

 ** **Raquel:**** HELLO, ARTEMIS!

 ** **Zatanna:**** HELLO, RAQUEL!

 ** **Conner:**** HELLO, ZATANNA!

 ** **Kaldur:**** HELLO, CONNER!

 ** **Roy:**** HELLO, KALDUR!

 ** **Megan:**** Is this funny to all of you? Is this amusing? Do you monsters get a kick out of this? Of taking a cute catchphrase and turning it into a mockery of me and my good name? Is that funny to you? Is it hilarious? Is it a real knee-slapper to parade around this indecency in front of my own two eyes? Is it? Is it really? IS IT REALLY?

 ** **Raquel:**** Damn Megan snapped

 

* * *

 

****Artemis > Bitch In Law ** **

****Thursday, January 30  
** ** ****21:49 EST** **

****

****Artemis:**** You home?

 ** **Bitch In Law:**** Yeah, why?

 ** **Artemis:**** Good

 ** **Artemis:**** I’m coming over

 ** **Bitch In Law:**** Ohhhh, gotcha. You need me to set up the pull-out bed?

 ** **Artemis:**** Don’t care

 ** **Artemis:**** I’ll sleep on the couch

 ** **Bitch In Law:****  You okay?

 ** **Artemis:**** Yeah, fine

 ** **Artemis:**** Dad’s just drunk at the moment, and I’m not in the mood to listen while he tells me everything that’s wrong with me and that I should have left instead of Jade, because apparently I’m just a no-good freeloader who will never amount to anything in her life

 ** **Artemis:**** So that’s been fun

 ** **Bitch In Law:**** What an asshole.

 ** **Bitch In Law:**** Want hot chocolate when you get here?

 ** **Artemis:**** Please

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Blondie** **

****Friday, January 31  
** ** ****15:29 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** hey, you doing okay?

 ** **Blondie:**** Obviously

 ** **Blondie:****  Why?

 ** **Wally:**** I dunno, you just seemed a little off today? not as an insult, but y’know

 ** **Wally:**** roy mentioned that you slept over his house last night

 ** **Blondie:**** He literally just lives in the pool house of his dad’s mansion, don’t make it sound as if he’s a respectable adult

 ** **Wally:**** okay well real house or not, you only do that when you’re stressed, so idk. I just wanted to make sure you were good

 ** **Blondie:**** Stop noticing patterns in my actions, it’s weird

 ** **Wally:**** lmao sorry

 ** **Wally:**** I just do the same thing all the time except it’s dick’s house so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 ** **Wally:**** you pick it up after a while

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** Well I’m fine, so don’t worry about it

 ** **Wally:**** okay, good

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** We done here?

 ** **Wally:**** I mean

 ** **Wally:**** roy is going to be hanging out at kaldur’s place all day

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** So?

 ** **Wally:**** well, since your go-to person is busy…

 ** **Wally:**** do you wanna get pizza? with me?

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** Seriously?

 ** **Wally:**** seriously

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** Why do you even care? This has nothing to do with you

 ** **Wally:**** because I’m not a complete asshole

 ** **Wally:**** at least, I don’t think I am

 ** **Wally:**** so…pizza?

 **Blondie:** You're really annoying, you know that? 

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** Whatever. Fine. I’ll meet you at the usual place in an hour

 ** **Wally:**** cool :D

 ** **Wally:**** see you then

 ** **Blondie:**** Yeah

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** And…Wally?

 ** **Wally:**** yeah?

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** Thanks  

 ** **Wally:**** for what?

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** For noticing

 **Wally:** oh

 ** **Wally:**** no problem

 ** **Wally:**** I mean, we’re friends, right?

 ** **Blondie**** ** **:**** Right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you were wondering about Madison, my best friend Julie and I made an OC a while ago and named her after this girl I hate in school, and the character's sole purpose is to be a jerk (mainly to Wally) so...yeah. Madison!


	12. Pencil Shavings And Other Tragedies By Fall Out Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am pleased to report that this chapter features a brand new character! One who is very near and dear to my heart: 
> 
> Drunk Roy™

****Megan > Artemis ** **

****Saturday, February 1  
** ** ****11:09 EST** **

****

****Megan:**** Conner…is like a cup

 ** **Artemis:**** Explain

 ** **Megan:**** Holds me

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Saturday, February 1  
** ** ****17:21 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** yknow what really grinds my gears?

 ** **Artemis:**** Not particularly, but I’m assuming you’re going to tell us anyway

 ** **Wally:**** so we all know about the multiverse theory,

 ** **Artemis:**** Sigh

 ** **Wally:**** and everyone knows how it implies that there is an infinite number of alternate universes in existence, each one running parallel to our own

 ** **Raquel:**** Why does science always give me a headache? But go on

 ** **Wally:**** if this theory is true, then that would mean there is a universe for every single tiny detail or possibility imaginable, right?

 ** **Conner:**** yeah?

 ** **Wally:**** so does that mean there’s an alternate universe that exists in which I didn’t just drop my favorite naruto keychain down the sewer drain?

 ** **Wally:**** because that’s the universe I would want to live in

 ** **Artemis:**** Alternate universe where you never had a keychain to begin with, that way you can’t lose it

 ** **Wally:**** good thinking

 ** **Wally:**** fuck the system

 ** **Zatanna:**** alternate universe where ur keychain was the real naruto and he just got out of the sewer drain himself

 ** **Conner:**** alternate universe where the naruto run includes flapping your arms like a chicken

 ** **Artemis:**** Alternate universe where instead of Monday we just go straight from Sunday to Tuesday so we don’t have to deal with hating Mondays

 ** **Kaldur:**** Alternate universe in which the Star Wars movies were released in the correct order.

 ** **Dick:**** Alternate universe where Star Wars is actually called “Galactic Scuffles” starring Derp Vaper

 ** **Wally:**** you all need to use some imagination

 ** **Wally:**** I mean, infinite universes means literally ANYTHING you can think of

 ** **Wally:**** alternate universe where we have no opposable thumbs but we have six arms to compensate, and also where buttons scream when you press them

 ** **Megan:**** Universe in which gum is called silly goo

 ** **Raquel:**** Alternate universe where everything in existence is .2 inches to the left

 ** **Conner:**** universe where miley cyrus invented myspace

 ** **Dick:**** Universe where pencils doesn’t exist but erasers do

 ** **Zatanna:**** oh my god we could go on forever because it’s literally infinite this is breaking my skull

 ** **Wally:**** lucky I don’t have a skull

 ** **Wally:**** or bones

 ** **Artemis:**** Alternate universe where you didn’t make that comment

 ** **Wally:**** alternate universe where you didn’t make THAT comment

 ** **Conner:**** universe where instead of frozen that quote came from the bible

 ** **Megan:**** Universe where bones aren’t a thing so we move by flopping around like noodles and that having an artificial spine implant is controversial because of poor body image

 ** **Roy:**** Universe where my name is actually Benjamin.

 ** **Kaldur:**** Universe in which Benjamin Franklin’s name was actually Roy.

 ** **Artemis:**** Universe where sugar is actually poisonous

 ** **Wally:**** that’s it now you’ve gone too far

****

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Sunday, February 2  
** ** ****01:48 EST** **

 

 ** **Wally:**** ALTERNATE UNIVERSE IN WHICH THERE /ARE/ NO ALTERNATE UNIVERSES

 ** **Conner:**** go to sleep wally

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Sunday, February 2  
** ** ****13:38 EST** **

****

****Ka**** ** **ldur:**** My life is over. Christmas is canceled. The world as we know it is ending and I should spend the rest of my life living in a bomb shelter packed with Snack Pack puddings where no one can find me or my searing depression ever again.

 ** **Megan:**** What happened?

 ** **Kaldur:**** I forgot my Webkinz password.

 ** **Dick:**** Lmao you still use webkinz?

 ** **Kaldur:**** No, but I just remembered that I have several pets and I have abandoned all of them for a decade.

 ** **Kaldur:**** They must be starving now. They have no idea why I never came back for them.

 ** **Megan:**** Oh gosh now you’re making me think about my nintendogs I haven’t seen them in years oh no oh no

 ** **Kaldur:**** I NEED TO SAVE MY PETS.

 ** **Kaldur:****  THEY NEED THEIR FATHER.

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Kon ** **

****Monday, February 3  
** ** ****14:56 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** noot noot boop the froot

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Kon ** **

****Monday, February 3  
** ** ****15:56 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** noot noot boop the snoot

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Kon ** **

****Monday, February 3  
** ** ****16:56 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** noot noot boop the soup

 ** **Kon:**** DO YOU WANT ME TO CRY

 ** **Kon :**** IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT

 ** **Kon :**** DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME CRY?

 ** **Wally:**** *sad noot*

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Tuesday, February 4  
** ** ****16:17 EST** **

 

 ** **Megan:**** Does anyone else remember purple kangaroo from Blue’s Clues?

 ** **Roy:**** Vaguely.

 ** **Megan:**** Well his thing was always that he wanted a pouch, right? But he didn’t have one because only female kangaroos have them and so they gave him a cool and fashionable denim pocket, THEREFORE,,,

 ** **Megan:**** Purple kangaroo from blues clues is a trans girl goodnight

 ** **Raquel:**** Megan you are so valid in this chili’s

 

* * *

 

****Zatanna > Dickie ** **

****Wednesday, February 5  
** ** ****02:47 EST** **

****

****Zatanna:**** i should be a musician

 ** **Dickie:**** And why is that

 ** **Zatanna:**** because i am happy to report that i’ve recently discovered i have a talent for songwriting!

 ** **Zatanna:**** and by recently i mean exactly 9.29 seconds before i slid into ur dms like a criminal

 ** **Zatanna:**** get a load of this jam i came up with:

 ** **Zatanna:**** beep bope beep boop, thine own cabbage soup, hath spilled unto groot. beep beep, beep beep beep

 ** **Dickie:**** Oh my god

 ** **Zatanna:**** the tune is the one from the backyardigans theme song

 ** **Dickie:**** It’s wonderful

 ** **Dickie:**** I want that song played at my funeral

 ** **Zatanna:**** thanks i call it “pencil shavings and other tragedies by fall out boy”

 ** **Dickie:**** Amazing

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Ginger #2 ** **

****Friday, February 7  
** ** ****11:48 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** hey, you busy?

 ** **Ginger #2:**** Not really. I just spent ten minutes watching a video of a dog dressed like a taco though, so that was fun.  

 ** **Wally:**** cool, cool cool cool

 ** **Ginger #2:**** You okay?

 ** **Wally:**** me? yeah, totally definitely

 ** **Wally:**** just an anxiety thing but it’s no big deal

 ** **Ginger #2:**** How bad?

 ** **Wally:**** not that bad

 ** **Wally:**** just had an anxiety attack in class but it’s f ine

 ** **Ginger #2:**** Shit. What happened?

 ** **Wally:**** we were getting into domestic violence stuff in forensics and idk why bc its been years but it got me all panicky and now I’m hiding in a stairwell and dick has a test this period and hes not answerig my calls which is ttotally fine because hes busy and I know people get busy and youre pribably busy too right this very second and I shouldnt be bothering you but I remembered you said you had a study hall this period so I thought it would be okay but its okay if its not because i can totlaly handle this by myself even thougth now it sorta feels like i can’t breathe but im really really really sorry for bothering you so you can jsut ignore me

 ** **Ginger #2:**** Woah woah woah slow down, buddy. I’ll be right there, okay? I’ll just get a bathroom pass, no big deal.

 ** **Wally:**** sorry

 ** **Wally:**** I kept tryign that breathing thing ms lance taught me but it wasn’t working and at that point I was alreayd panicking and yeah sorry

 ** **Ginger #2:**** Don’t apologize, it’s okay.

 ** **Ginger #2:**** Want me to send you some of those squirrel pictures? I think that helped last time, right?

 ** **Wally:**** yeah that helped

 ** **Ginger #2:**** Okay, just hang on. I’ll be right there.

 ** **Ginger #2:**** [image sent]

 ** **Ginger #2:**** [image sent]

 ** **Ginger #2:**** [image sent]

 ** **Wally:**** thanks roy

 ** **Ginger #2:**** No problem, buddy. Keep taking deep breaths, okay?

 ** **Wally:**** okay

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Sunday, February 9  
** ** ****15:29 EST** **

****

****Conner:**** you ever think about how there was one time when you were a baby that your parents put you down and then never picked you back up again?  
  
_****Several people are typing…****_

**_**** _ **

* * *

 

****Alfred > Master Bruce ** **

****Sunday, February 9  
** ** ****17:55 EST** **

****

****Alfred:**** You left me a voicemail, sir?

 ** **Master Bruce:**** Yes, Dick has been clinging to my shoulders for hours now and won’t get off. Every time I try to put him down he starts crying.

 ** **Alfred:**** I see.

 ** **Alfred:**** And where exactly do I fit into this dilemma of yours?

 ** **Master Bruce:**** PLEASE HELP ME. MY NECK IS BREAKING.

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Tuesday, February 11  
** ** ****23:38 EST** **

****

****Roy:**** wgat the hFUCK was that 1 show with  the e guy who did weedc with the dog???

 ** **Conner:**** um

 ** **Conner:**** you okay roy?

 ** **Artemis:**** Ignore him please

 ** **Kaldur:**** Does he have a concussion??

 ** **Wally:**** nah don’t worry, he’s just drunk off his ass

 ** **Roy:**** shut thei hell UP walluy im totalhy fine

 ** **Roy:**** im so fuckin good at bein gdrunk I win all the contest s

 ** **Dick:**** This is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen

 ** **Dick:**** I’ve only seen Roy drunk a handful of times and it’s always a treat

 ** **Megan:**** Please tell me he’s home now and safe

 ** **Artemis:**** Oh yeah don’t worry, Wally and I have got it handled

 ** **Conner:**** you and wally? what are you two doing together?

 ** **Wally:**** we came to watch barbie movies at roy’s place because he has the biggest tv, but he was wasted so we’re multitasking now

 ** **Artemis:**** Yeah, we’re just making sure he doesn’t fall out a window or choke on his own vomit or anything

 ** **Megan:**** That’s good

 ** **Roy:**** THESE RGUYS ARE MY BETSTS FRIEND S I LOVE THEMF SO MUC G

 ** **Artemis:**** He’s lying on the floor cuddling with my leg

 ** **Kaldur:**** Part of me wants to send him pamphlets on why drinking underage is dangerous, but would he actually listen to me?

 ** **Wally:**** nope

 ** **Megan:**** Probably not, no

 ** **Conner:**** not a chance

 ** **Kaldur:**** That is what I thought.

 ** **Roy:**** SCOOBY DOOO IT WASD SCOOB y D OOO

 ** **Roy:**** fuckaink LOVE thst dog

 ** **Kaldur:**** And this, ladies and gentlemen and friends, this is why I don’t drink.

 ** **Megan:**** Yeah, me neither

 ** **Wally:**** haha you guys are such nerds

 ** **Dick:**** Wally, the first time you tried alcohol you took one sip of hard lemonade and got so sick I had to call Iris to drive you home

 ** **Wally:**** I CALLED THEM NERDS I NEVER SAID I WASN’T ONE

 ** **Wally:**** YOU ARE DIRTYING UP MY GOOD NAME

 ** **Roy:**** wally uour e such a nerd dbut I love you anywyay

 ** **Roy:**** your liek a reaally nice pupy who cant drikn alcohohol becus hel get sick

 ** **Wally:**** roy you are the only bitch in this house that I’ve ever respected

 ** **Roy:**** THAKJ

 ** **Artemis:**** One time this girl I hate had a party, but when we were kids she stole my dora stickers so to get even I broke into her house the night before the party and put crushed laxatives in the beer keg

 ** **Artemis:**** It was my proudest moment  

 ** **Wally:**** damn arty, you’re hardcore

 ** **Artemis:**** Also, update: Roy is now reenacting one of the fight scenes from Rocky with himself

 ** **Dick:**** That’s it I’m coming over

 ** **Dick:**** I need to witness Drunk Roy in all his embarrassing glory

 ** **Zatanna:**** pls send me videos, i love having blackmail material

 ** **Dick:**** As you wish

 ** **Roy:**** YEAH YEHA YEAH COME HANG OUT EITH US YOU4 R MY FAVORIT BRO

 ** **Roy:**** DICK IS HTE BEST

 ** **Wally:**** that’s what she said

 ** **Artemis:**** Knock it off

 ** **Conner:**** why is no one else questioning why roy is blackout drunk on a school night?

 ** **Artemis:**** Because he’s a sad and lonely old man next question

 ** **Zatanna:**** what barbie movies are u guys watching

 ** **Wally:**** the mermaid ones and the fairy ones because we are Mature Adults

 ** **Wally:**** also rapunzel because artemis needs to understand why I keep calling her that

 ** **Zatanna:**** cool

 ** **Zatanna:**** throw in the princess and the pauper and i’m coming over too

 ** **Artemis:**** Stop inviting yourselves to crash our movie night that’s bullying

 ** **Zatanna:**** too late i’m coming now

 ** **Wally:**** that’s what she said

 ** **Artemis:**** WALLY

 ** **Wally:**** BUT SHE DID

 ** **Roy:**** YOU SJOUSLD INVITE KALDU ROVER TOO I WANT HIM HER E\

 ** **Artemis:**** No

 ** **Artemis:**** Now sit back down

 ** **Roy:**** TOU SHOUSLD BRING KALDUR THAT WAY I CAN SIT WITH HIM ISTEAD OF YOU CUZ YOUR E MEAN AND HE’’S SO NICE

 ** **Kaldur:**** If you were sober, I would take that as a compliment.

 ** **Wally:**** fuck why is roy like an octopus when he’s drunk

 ** **Wally:**** he won’t stop hugging me

 ** **Artemis:**** Just be grateful he’s not yelling at the refrigerator anymore

 ** **Megan:**** Why was he doing that?

 ** **Artemis:**** It wouldn’t cook his grilled cheese for him

 ** **Megan:**** Yikes

 ** **Artemis:**** Fuck now he won’t stop asking for us to let Kaldur come over THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FUN AND RELAXING MOVIE DATE

 ** **Dick:**** …Wait

 ** **Megan:****!!!

 ** **Zatanna:**** ASDFGHJKLJHFHGF

 ** **Artemis:**** What?

 ** **Artemis:**** FffuuUCK ME BACKWARDS WITH A CHAINSAW

 ** **Artemis:**** GODDAMN WILL YOU PEOPLE LEARN WHAT AUTOCORRECT IS JESUS FUCK

 ** **Zatanna:**** either ur lying, or ur REALLY bad at typing because those words are not even remotely the same

 ** **Artemis:**** STOP ADDRESSING MY INADEQUACIES

 ** **Artemis:**** ROY KNOCKED MY ELBOW AND IT MADE ME TYPE IN MOVIE NIGHT WRONG

 ** **Dick:**** I’m watching them through the window and I can confirm that that’s not what happened

 ** **Dick:**** Also Wally is blushing now

 ** **Wally:**** NO IM NOT

 ** **Dick:**** [image sent]

 ** **Wally:**** THAT WAS PHOTOSHOPPED

 ** **Dick:**** [image sent]

 ** **Wally:**** STOP TAKING PICTURES OF ME YOU WEIRDO

 ** **Conner:**** why is roy wearing a pater pan hat

 ** **Artemis:**** Yeah I have no idea where he got that

 ** **Roy:**** IM FABULIUS

 ** **Roy:**** hey kaldu rrrrrrr

 ** **Roy:**** KALDURR

 ** **Roy:**** someorn tell kald ur to come herw so ic an4 talk to jim

 ** **Zatanna:**** u heard the man, put jim on the phone

 ** **Roy:**** shut UP yor too short to reach the phoene

 ** **Zatanna:**** wow, drunk roy delivers the hard truths

 ** **Kaldur:**** What do you need, Roy?

 ** **Roy:**** KALDJU R

 ** **Roy:**** i fuckng LOVE yuo so much

 ** **Kaldur:**** Thank you.

 ** **Roy:**** no i MEAN 1t

 ** **Roy:**** youe R so hot and you have a  coool earing and also you r tattttoos are really sexy and swirrly

 ** **Roy:**** and when you an dd the othre guyz on the swim team do the diving thign its so GREAT yuirue so prety kally

 ** **Conner:**** i feel like im being held hostage and forced to watch the worlds cringiest encounter ever

 ** **Wally:**** (just so everyone knows, I tried to stop him but he locked himself in his bedroom so sadly we’re all just going to have to witness this trainwreck)

 ** **Roy:**** hsut up wally im a total DILF

 ** **Kaldur:**** Artemis, Wally, exactly how many drinks did he have?

 ** **Artemis:**** Well there were two bottles of tequila on the coffee table when we got here and it looked like he was watching Grey’s Anatomy at the time, so I’d give it a solid Too Many

 ** **Roy:**** LEXIE DEDSEVRE D BETTER

 ** **Roy:**** awww kally your namen is kally so you can be th kally to my arizona liek in greys anatonomy

 ** **Roy:**** we;re so heckig cute

 ** **Kaldur:**** You should drink some water.

 ** **Kaldur:**** You don’t know what you are saying.

 ** **Artemis:**** That’s it I’m turning off the wifi and forcing Roy to go to sleep because this is just too hard to watch

 ** **Zatanna:**** artemis u are a hero

 ** **Artemis:**** Thank you, thank you

 ** **Dick:**** Does that mean you guys will let me inside the house now? There’s a raccoon out here

 ** **Artemis:**** No

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Monday, February 12  
** ** ****03:00 EST** **

****

****Raquel:**** No!!!!

 ** **Raquel:**** I missed the elusive and spectacular Drunk Roy??!!!

 ** **Raquel:**** God, you go for ONE round of midnight mini golf and this is what happens

 ** **Raquel:**** Homophobia at its finest, I tell you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New drinking game: Take a shot every time Wally says something stupid.
> 
> And if you want to add even MORE fun, take two whenever Artemis makes a spelling mistake and accidentally reveals how bad she has it for Wally.


	13. Heart Eyes Motherfucker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I give you a nine-day-late super special Valentine's Day episode!!!! Because FUCK accuracy, happy valentine's day peeps.

********Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Monday, February 12  
** ** ****15:39 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** so my cousin just came out to me today

****Megan:**** That’s great!!

****Conner:**** another one bites the dust

****Conner:**** the gay is contagious folks, escape while you still can  

****Kaldur:**** Tell your cousin I am happy for them!

****Dick:**** NICE GOING BART, I KNEW THAT KID WAS QUEER AS A PRIDE PARADE I JUST KNEW IT

****Megan:**** How did it go?

****Wally:**** well we were playing mario kart at my house and I was talking about how the wonder pets could beat the avengers in a brawl (since they’ve got teamwork on their side and the avengers break up like twice a week over petty shit), and then out of nowhere bart looked at me completely serious and said “I like dick”

****Wally:**** and I was so surprised I didn’t notice he fucking blue shelled me

****Artemis:**** Your cousin is my new favorite person

****Raquel:**** Oh my god this is SO going to be my video game strategy from now on

****Raquel:**** I’ll just blurt out “I like pussy” and then immediately kill them without remorse

****Zatanna:**** what an icon

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Spill The Tea Sis** **

****Tuesday, February 13  
** ** ****02:01 EST** **

****

****Hot Chocolate:**** HAPPY GALENTINE’S DAY, GALS

****Lemonade:**** It’s…it’s 2 am…

****Hot Chocolate:**** You BET it is

****One Black Coffee:**** Does nobody fucking SLEEP anymore??

****Hot Chocolate:**** Sleep is for the weak, and those who require more than five hours will be the first to go

****Lemonade:**** The first to go when what happens?

****Hot Chocolate:**** You will go with them

****Lemonade:**** D:

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Me Hoy Minoy** **

****Wednesday, February 14  
** ** ****05:09 EST** **

****

****Dick has renamed the group:** ** _****Heart Eyes Motherfucker** ** _

****Wally:**** happy v-day, y’all!

****Wally:**** and to dick especially ;)

****Wally:**** I love you so much bro

****Dick:**** Tell me how much you love me, bro

****Wally:**** look up at the sky. see the sun?

****Wally:**** it’s burning with my desire for you bro

****Dick:**** *gasp* bRO

****Artemis:**** This is really really gay

 

* * *

 

****Conner > Megan ** **

****Wednesday, February 14  
** ** ****07:19 EST** **

****

****Conner:**** happy valentines day <3

****Megan:**** Happy Valentine’s Day!! :*

****Conner:**** i found the giant teddy bear and candy you left in my truck by the way, and i dont know if i should be concerned or not that you managed to break in so easily

****Megan:**** I may have had a little help. I’ll give you a hint, his name starts with D and rhymes with “ick”

****Conner:**** well thank you. i love it

****Megan:**** So, do you have any big plans for today? Hint hint :)

****Conner:**** subtle

****Megan:**** Thank you

****Conner:**** and if by “big plans” you mean a romantic day out with a certain beautiful someone who shall remain nameless, then yes. very big plans

****Megan:**** And who is this certain someone? She must be pretty great

****Conner:**** she really is

****Conner:**** then again, she also likes ketchup on her eggs so idk, she might be an alien

****Megan:**** Really, Conner? On Cupid’s birthday. I’m ashamed of you

****Conner:**** will i be forgiven if i mention the roses and chocolates i have for you? :)

****Megan:**** Roses and chocolates? Someone went all out for the holiday 

****Conner:**** well it is also the three month anniversary since our first date, so i figured it warranted some extra specialness  

****Conner:**** ive got a great date planned for us later that may or may not include lunchables and disney movies

****Megan:**** Did you get the pizza ones?

****Conner:**** come on, what do you take me for?

****Conner:**** of course theyre the pizza ones

****Megan:**** I love you so much <3

****Conner:**** love you too <3

 

* * *

 

****Roy > Satan ** **

****Wednesday, February 14  
** ** ****08:21 EST** **

****

****Roy:**** *to the tune of the doofenshmirtz evil incorporated jingle* I AM GON-NA HAVE A MEN-TAL BREAK-DOWWWN!!!

****Satan:**** If this is going to be more of you gushing about Kaldur for an hour while I bang my head against a wall, just know that I haven’t had any coffee yet and my level of patience is so small Dick could use it as a toothpick

****Roy:**** Okay but you don’t UNDERSTAND, Artemis.

****Roy:**** Today is Valentine’s Day! A day of romance and happiness! And I have neither of those!

****Satan:**** Hmm, that’s unfortunate

****Satan:**** It sounds like you should grow a pair, find Kaldur, and ASK HIM THE FUCK OUT YOU ACTUAL DISASTER PERSON

****Roy:**** Noooo I can’t do that. And do you want to know why?

****Satan:**** No

****Roy:**** Because Kaldur doesn’t like me in that way, and he never will. I am destined to live out my days all alone in a crappy apartment with five parakeets and a leak in the roof.

****Satan:**** I promise you that’s not the case. Go make out with him and stop bothering me

****Roy:**** See, that’s just the thing! It is EXACTLY the case!

****Roy:**** The other day, Drunk Roy made his feelings perfectly clear, and Drunk Roy was a MILLION times more confident than Regular Roy. Drunk Roy put it all out there, and what did Sober Kaldur do?

****Satan:**** Nothing?

****Roy:**** NOTHING!

****Roy:**** Which is obviously his way of telling me he doesn’t like me back, which, whatever. I’m totally cool with it. There are PLENTY of other fish in the sea, even if Kaldur is the prettiest fish I’ve ever seen and none of the other fish can use the word “whence” in a sentence without seeming like a douchebag.

****Satan:**** OR, maybe he was just too scared to make a move and is waiting for Sober Roy to ask him out officially. Bitch

****Roy:**** No, that can’t be it.

****Satan:**** Okay but it definitely is

****Roy:**** See, what I REALLY need is a distraction.

****Satan:**** What you need is a pair of balls

****Roy:**** You are being very unhelpful right now and I don’t think that’s fair of you, considering I have been feeding you kraft mac and cheese and juice pouches for years. You owe me this rant session.

****Satan:**** …

****Satan:**** Ugh

****Satan:**** FINE

****Satan:**** I’m in the computer lab, bring coffee

****Roy:**** THANK YOU.

****

* * *

 

****Raquel > Dick Joke ** **

****Wednesday, February 14  
** ** ****12:43 EST** **

****

****Raquel:**** I just got ambushed by a glitter bomb in my locker

****Raquel:**** Care to enlighten me on how that happened?

****Dick Joke:**** A glitter bomb, you say? How very curious indeed

****Dick Joke:**** I wonder whose clever and fantastic Valentine’s day gift that was

****Dick Joke:**** Whoever it was, I sure hope he didn’t plant several more glitter bombs for each of his friends to find, as well as hidden cameras so he can catch it all on video :)

****Raquel:**** You worry me

****Raquel:**** ….Send me those videos tho

****Dick Joke:**** Already uploaded to your phone

****Raquel:**** Pleasure doing business with you

****Raquel:**** Also you’d better start running, because my hair looks like I just walked through a gay bar and I’m Coming For You

****Dick Joke:**** Gotta catch me first

 

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Heart Eyes Motherfucker** **

****Wednesday, February 14  
** ** ****16:56 EST** **

****

****Megan:**** Good evening all, I come bearing gifts!

****Megan:**** [image sent]

****Megan:**** [image sent]

****Raquel:**** IS THAT

****Dick:**** Oh my GOD

****Wally:**** baby conner!!! gOD this warms my cold dead heart

****Zatanna:**** awwwwww what a babby <33

****Roy:**** Is no one else going to mention how he looks the exact same in that baby pic as he does now?

****Roy:**** It’s like looking right into current Conner’s face except with slightly chubbier cheeks.

****Conner:**** thanks, its covergirl moisturizer

****Megan:**** Here, look at him taking a picture with elmo

****Megan:**** [image sent]

****Raquel:**** HGNJHNJGJJHHJH

****Artemis:**** Where did you get these and can I please get them tattooed onto my forehead

****Megan:**** I’m at Conner’s house and his stepmom brought out some of his baby pictures. This is the best day of my entire life

****Megan:**** He’s just so CUTE

****Conner:**** as if your uncle didnt do the exact same thing last time i visited

****Zatanna:**** pics of smol megan?? share with the class please (◡‿◡✿)

****Conner:**** can i?  
****Megan:**** Go ahead

****Conner:**** [image sent]

****Artemis:**** SHE!!!!

****Wally:**** SDFGHJK SO PRECIOU S

****Dick:**** This is the most wholesome thing I’ve seen all day

****Raquel:**** So this is what pure innocence looks like

****Roy:**** If we’re going to be sharing baby pics here…

****Roy:**** I think it’s only fair I add my own contribution

****Artemis:**** DON’T YOU DARE

****Roy:**** [image sent]

****Artemis:**** NO!!!

****Wally:**** awwww look at the wittle angel

****Wally:**** artemis you were so cute and innocent as a baby

****Wally:**** where did that go

****Artemis:**** Fuck you guys

****Artemis:**** I trusted you, Roy

****Roy:**** Sorry, but as your brother figure it’s my legal obligation to embarrass you. It’s in the rule book.

****Artemis:**** I was originally going to keep silent and save you the suffering, but you have forced my hand

****Roy:**** Yeah, I figured there was no escaping this anyway.

****Artemis:**** [image sent]

****Zatanna:**** OH MY GOD THE MISSING TEETH I CAN’T

****Dick:**** He looks like that abominable snowman from Rudolph after the gay elf removed all his teeth  

****Artemis:**** THAT’S WHAT I KEEP SAYING

****Raquel:**** [image sent]

****Raquel:**** Jumping on the baby pic train

****Wally:**** loving the sunglasses

****Megan:**** And the feather boa

****Raquel:**** I was born to be a rock star and I knew it

****Zatanna:**** [image sent]

****Zatanna:**** behold! an angel. look away, for the cuteness has been known to burn retinas

****Artemis:**** ZEE YOU WERE SO C U T E

****Megan:**** Why are you wearing a leash, though?

****Zatanna:**** i used to escape from my dad and jump into other babies’s strollers

****Dick:**** Wow

****Dick:**** And I thought /I/ was an eccentric child

****Wally:**** what a coincidence you brought that up, richard, because

****Wally:**** [image sent]

****Wally:**** [image sent]

****Kaldur:**** Wow, young Dick is even smaller than I had imagined.

****Zatanna:**** heh. small dick

****Conner:**** is that a real elephant?????

****Conner:**** what, did you grow up in a circus???  
****Dick:**** Yes

****Dick:**** And Wally, I believe payback is required

****Dick:**** Permission to post?

****Wally:**** permission granted

****Artemis:**** That easy, huh?

****Wally:**** what can I say? I was a cute ass baby and the world should know

****Dick:**** [image sent]

****Artemis:**** Damn, those are some freckles

****Artemis:**** And your eyes were an even brighter green back then?? It’s like they’re burning straight into my soul

****Wally:**** oh come on, artemis

****Wally:**** you and I both know you have no soul

****Kaldur:**** Huh, I thought you were going to make a joke about not doing anything straight.

****Wally:**** that too

****Megan:**** Aw, you were so cute!!!

****Raquel:**** Baby Wally has the squishiest cheeks I have ever seen in my entire life

****Wally:**** thanks, I used to store cheerios in them for later like a chipmunk

****Zatanna:**** hey kaldur, where are ur baby pics? i wanna see what u looked like in ur purest form

****Dick:**** YEAH YEAH YEAH SHOW US TINY KALDUR

****Kaldur:**** Alright, but it’s really not that exciting.

****Kaldur:**** [image sent]

****Raquel:**** DAMN WHAT

****Artemis:**** How the FUCK is that even possible?????

****Kaldur:**** What?

****Wally:**** dude idk how to break it to you, but you were like. a really pretty baby

****Wally:**** not in a weird way but just

****Wally:**** wow

****Raquel:**** Were you a baby model?? Like for Pampers or something??  

****Kaldur:**** No?

****Zatanna:**** i can’t believe u were born with those cheekbones, i thought it was just really good contouring

****Kaldur:**** Well I do contour, but yes I’ve been told my cheekbones are above average.

****Roy:**** “Above average.” Understatement.  

****Conner:**** and those eyes too??? how is that possible

****Megan:**** No offense Kaldur but I want to have your babies

****Conner:**** i support you and i would be honored to raise those babies

****Kaldur:**** “Make friends,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said.

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Blondie ** **

****Wednesday, February 14  
** ** ****14:28 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** on a rate from one to five, how much do you love me and care about my happiness  

****Blondie:**** Negative seven, next question

****Wally:**** come onnnnn it’s valentine’s day :( you have to be nice to me

****Wally:**** …also I need a favor

****Blondie:**** Of course

****Wally:**** I resent that

****Wally:**** and this favor will benefit you too, so just hear me out okay?

****Blondie:**** I’m listening, but only because I need a distraction from Roy and Kaldur texting me to whine about their feelings

****Blondie:**** It’s driving me insane

****Blondie:**** Any second now I’m going to start talking to the walls and eating my phone like a cheeseburger

****Wally:**** they’re still clueless, huh?

****Blondie:**** You don’t even KNOW the half of it

****Blondie:**** Neither will stop going on about their massive crushes, but they both made me swear to secrecy so I can’t say anything about it to them and it’s KILLING ME

****Blondie:**** Roy has cried into my lap TWICE today

****Blondie:**** I had to watch Kaldur buy Roy a bouquet of roses and then flush them down the toilet when he got too nervous to give them to him

****Blondie:**** If they don’t get their shit together soon, I’m not going to make it through the night

****Wally:**** in that case, allow me to offer up my services and provide the perfect distraction

****Blondie:**** Go on

****Wally:**** russo’s is having a valentine’s day special tonight

****Wally:**** free unlimited ice cream sundaes for all couples

****Blondie:**** It’s a shame you’re not part of a couple then

****Wally:**** yes, yes it is

****Wally:**** which is where you come in

****Blondie:**** No

****Wally:**** come onnnnnn, all you have to do is pretend we’re dating and eat ice cream. it’ll be fun!

****Blondie:**** Nope

****Wally:**** what do you have to lose?

****Blondie:**** My dignity. My self-respect. My lunch

****Wally:**** okay okay how about this then  

****Wally:**** if you agree to go with me, I’ll get kal and roy to stop bothering you with their love affairrrr :)

****Blondie:**** Wow, you must be really desperate for some ice cream

****Wally:**** indeed I am

****Wally:**** so what do you say?

****Blondie:**** …Fine

****Blondie:**** I could go for some ice cream I guess

****Wally:**** Y A Y !!!

****Wally:****  I’ll pick you up in an hour and be the best fake boyfriend in the whole universe

****Blondie:**** Please don’t. We’re gonna be lowkey or I’m leaving

****Wally:**** like ninjas! I like your style, arty ;)

****Blondie:**** No

****Wally:**** boo, you’re boring

****Wally:**** you don’t want me to be your super cool ninja boyfwiend? :3

****Blondie:**** That’s it I’m done

****Wally:**** NO NO WAIT I WAS KIDDIDNG DON’T FAKE DUMP ME

****Blondie:**** Sorry I would love to continue this conversation, but Roy’s sending me pics of himself crying so I gotta go

****Blondie:**** See you in an hour

****Blondie:**** And your plan to get the lovebirds off my back had better work, or else I see a lot of pain in your future

****Wally:**** how dare you treat your boyfriend like this

 

* * *

 

****Wally > Kallie ** **

****Wednesday, February 14  
** ** ****13:59 EST** **

****

****Wally:**** wanna play a game?

****Wally:**** I’ll say a phrase, and you say true or false as fast as you can

****Kallie:**** Okay.

****Wally:**** your favorite food is sushi

****Kallie:**** True.

****Wally:**** you’ve been to italy

****Kallie:**** False.

****Wally:**** your middle name is leslie

****Kallie:**** True.

****Wally:**** you play football

****Kallie:**** False.

****Wally:**** you have a crush on roy

****Kallie:**** True.

****Kallie:**** WAIT

****Wally:**** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)oh??? you don’t say???

****Kallie:**** I DIDN’T MEAN THAT.

****Wally:**** hmmmmmm doesn’t sound that way to me ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

****Wally:**** and because I have been roy’s bff for years, I can tell you right now that he DEFINITELY has the hots for you too

****Wally:****  what a coincidence, right?

****Wally:**** SO

****Wally:**** in the name of true love, please do us ALL a favor and ask him out tonight and have a really fun gay valentine’s day, or else I will send you a pet guinea pig and you will have to love and care for it forever as punishment

****Wally:**** now I have some free ice cream and a certain spitfire waiting for me, so I bid you adieu! have fun on your date!

****Wally:**** wallman OUT

****Kallie:**** …He likes me?

****

* * *

 

****Group Chat: Heart Eyes Motherfucker** **

****Wednesday, February 14  
** ** ****14:28 EST** **

****

****Zatanna:**** who wants to come with me to the park to steal boxes of chocolate that girls on diets threw in the trash

****Dick:**** I’m in

****Zatanna:**** noice

****Zatanna:**** and afterwards we can go crash our friends’s dates because fuck all these happy and emotionally stable people

****Dick:**** Partner, I like the way you think

 

* * *

 

****Kaldur > Roy ** **

****Wednesday, February 14  
** ** ****16:13 EST** **

****

****Kaldur:**** You like action movies.

****Roy:**** You have blond hair. I like this game.

****Kaldur:**** Okay that wasn’t what I meant to say.

****Kaldur:**** I’m really bad at saying these kinds of thing so just

****Kaldur:**** The other day, you were talking about how you wanted to see that new boxing movie.

****Roy:**** I remember.

****Kaldur:**** Well, I have tickets. To that movie. For tonight.

****Roy:**** Oh. That’s cool for you, man.

****Kaldur:**** No, I

****Kaldur:**** Look I don’t know how to say things like this outright but…I got tickets because I thought WE could see it. As in, together.

****Roy:**** Oh.

****Roy:**** OH.

****Roy:**** Yeah, I would uh. I would like to go with you.

****Kaldur:**** Good. We can meet at the theater at 8:00?

****Roy:**** Yup, it’s a date.

****Roy:**** Wait shit shit fuck I didn’t mean to actually say that.

****Kaldur:**** No no, I actually

****Kaldur:**** I wouldn’t mind it if we called it that. That was sort of why I asked in the first place.

****Roy:**** Oh. So this…isn’t a friend thing?

****Roy:**** Which I am very cool with, if that’s what you want too.

****Kaldur:**** That sounds good to me.

****Roy:**** Cool. Cool cool cool.

****Kaldur:**** See you at 8:00.

****Roy:**** Yep yep yepppp yep.

 

* * *

 

****Roy > Satan ** **

****Wednesday, February 14  
** ** ****19:32 EST** **

****

****Roy:**** [image sent]

****Roy:**** [image sent]

****Roy:****  [image sent]

****Roy:**** WGAT DOES THIS MEAN???????

****Satan:**** Jesus fuck FINALLY

****Satan:**** I am so fucking sick of playing buffer for you lovesick fools

****Roy:**** BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?? MY SOUL HAS JUST ASCENDED FFROM MY BODY AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

****Satan:**** It looks like you, my friend, have got a date tonight

****Roy:**** ASDFGHJHGFDFG

****Satan:**** Make sure you shower beforehand

****Roy:**** ASDGDDFHK;TDFDJKUYDSGDGOFDTF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Roy:** "Just a couple of dudes being guys."
> 
> **Kaldur:** "Couple of guys being dudes." 
> 
> **Roy:** "Couple of dudes being gay." 
> 
> **Kaldur:** "Show me your dick, Roy."


	14. What the FUCK, Richard?

**Dick > Jason**

**Saturday, February 18  
** **19:16 EST**

 

**Dick:** Stop introducing me to people as Dickholas

_🗸 Read at 7:16 PM_

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Jason**

**Saturday, February 18  
** **20:34 EST**

 

**Dick:** STOP IGNORING MY TEXTS, JERK

**Dick:** If I have to act mature at Bruce’s dumb fancy parties then so do you

_🗸 Read at 8:34 PM_

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Duck Great-Sin**

**Sunday, February 19  
** **19:02 EST**

 

**Wally:** dude I’m outside, open your window

**Duck Great-Sin:** One of these days a neighbor is going to call the cops and chase you down the street, and I am ready to take a video when that day comes

**Wally:** why do you think I wear my best running shoes every time I break into your house?

 

* * *

 

**Roy > Kaldur**

**Monday, February 20  
** **11:33 EST**

 

**Roy:** Hey, are you busy tomorrow? Oliver and Dinah want me to invite you over for dinner because Artemis let it slip that I have a boyfriend, and now they won’t stop bothering me about meeting you.

**Roy:** Which. Yeah it’s been a few years since I dated anyone, but still.

**Roy:** And odds are it’ll be hella awkward because they think they’re “cool parents” which they most definitely are NOT, but at least they’re rich so the food will be, like, gourmet stuff.

**Kaldur:** That sounds _(WAKE ME UP) WAKE ME UP INSIDE (CAN’T WAKE UP) WAKE ME UP INSIDE (SAAAVE ME)_

**Kaldur:** I

**Kaldur:** What...just happened?

**Kaldur:** That was not what I meant to send.

**Roy:** Lmao maybe your phone did a thing?

**Kaldur:** That was very _IF YOU LOVE ME LET ME GOOOOOOOOO_

**Kaldur:** SHIT SHIT HOLD ON I DID NOT MEAN TO _mmm watcha sayyyyy_ THAT

**Kaldur:** NO

**Kaldur:** _mmm watcha sayyyyy_

**Kaldur:** WHY WON’T IT LET ME _mmm watcha sayyyyyy_ WORDS CORRECTLY

**Kaldur:** T Y P E I AM TRYING TO SAY T Y P E

**Roy:** Fhjgfhjlkjggjh  

**Kaldur:** WHAT THE _someBODY once told me the world was gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed_

**Kaldur:** NO I MEANT _someBODY once told me the world was gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed_

**Roy:** I feel so bad for laughing but this is hilarious.

**Kaldur:** F-U-C-K

**Kaldur:** WHY WON’T IT LET ME SAY F-U-C-K ????????

**Kaldur:** THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY _You would not believe your eyes if ten thousand fireflies lit up the world as I fell asleep_

**Kaldur:** P HO N E

**Kaldur:** MAKE IT STOP

**Kaldur:** WHO DID THIS?????

**Kaldur:** _I'm sexy and I know it_

**Kaldur:** _I’m sexy and I know it_

**Kaldur:** H-E-L-P ME

**Kaldur:** I DO NOT MEAN TO _mmm watcha sayyyyy_ ALL OF THESE THINGS

**Kaldur:** Are these song lyrics??????? Someone hacked into my _You would not believe your eyes if ten thousand fireflies lit up the world as I fell asleep_ and replaced the words with songs??????

**Roy:** I am definitely sending screenshots to the group chat later. They deserve to witness this.

**Kaldur:** HOW DARE YOU BE AMUSED BY MY SUFFERING

**Kaldur:** Why is my p-h-o-n-e doing this to me???

**Roy:** Look, did you leave your phone unattended today?

**Kaldur:** Once during the student council meeting, but it was only a few minutes!!

**Roy:** And who’s in student council with you? Though I have a feeling I know who it is already.

**Kaldur:** IT WAS _The greatest person in the whole world_

**Kaldur:** _someBODY once told me the world was gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed_ I AM GOING TO KILL THAT ABSOLUTE _The greatest person in the whole world_

**Kaldur:** D

**Kaldur:** I

**Kaldur:** C

**Kaldur:** K

**Roy:** I wish I could say I was surprised, but the kid once hacked into my DS so it would only let me use Magikarp in Pokemon. So I feel your pain.

**Kaldur:** Mark my words, I am going to get that little _Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you_

**Kaldur:** HOW DID HE KNOW I WOULD USE THE WORD “R-E-P-R-O-B-A-T-E” ???????

**Roy:** This is the greatest day of my entire life.

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Baywatch**

**Monday, February 20  
** **13:15 EST**

 

**Artemis:** I want money

**Baywatch:** is this a general desire, or are you mugging me?

**Artemis:** General desire

**Baywatch:** gotcha. carry on

**Artemis:** Like, you know when you get that feeling like you want to drop everything and just GO somewhere? It doesn’t even matter where you actually go, you just want to be travelling and seeing places and experiencing stuff you’ve only seen on tv? And you already know where you would go if you could, but you have neither the time nor the resources to do so, so you just spend your life living in unsatisfied purgatory because you can’t do ANYTHING????

**Artemis:** Anyway I want to go places

**Artemis:** But I can’t

**Artemis:** Because I’m poor

**Baywatch:** rip

**Baywatch:** I have to say though, I’m honored you came to me to complain about being broke to

**Baywatch:** that’s like. level six friendship status

**Artemis:** How many levels are there in your made-up friendship scale?

**Baywatch:** ten, duh

**Artemis:** And what’s level ten? Pulling out each other’s tampons?

**Baywatch:** well that’s when you go from friends to fuck buddies, naturally

**Artemis:** Ah

**Artemis:** Which level are we at?

**Baywatch:** hmmmmmm

**Baywatch:** I’d say a solid 4.5

**Artemis:** Not bad, considering we started out at around -37

**Baywatch:** where do you think you would go?

**Artemis:** What?

**Baywatch:** if money weren’t an issue, where do you think you’d go? if you could travel anywhere in the universe right this very second

**Artemis:** Oh

**Artemis:** Probably a cabin in the woods

**Baywatch:** seriously?

**Artemis:** Yeah

**Baywatch:** out of every place in the known universe, including disneyland, paris, italy, the moon, all of those places rich white people go when they want to brag to their friends about their summer vacation,,,

**Baywatch:** you would pick a cabin in the woods?

**Artemis:** Yep

**Baywatch:** huh

**Baywatch:** any patch of woods in particular?

**Artemis:** Doesn’t matter

**Artemis:** I want a cozy cabin surrounded by trees and wilderness and deer, with the nearest town just out of sight but still within walking distance

**Artemis:** And every day I’ll hang out with forest creatures and read books and shoot arrows at stuff

**Baywatch:** wow. that actually sounds kind of nice

**Baywatch:** like with a fireplace and old school rocking chairs on the porch

**Artemis:** Yep yep

**Artemis:** Why, where would you go?

**Baywatch:** well, I was originally gonna say paris because that’s like. the romance capital of the world and also it’s on my bucket list to eat a croissant on the eiffel tower

**Baywatch:** but now I’m liking your idea better so idk

**Artemis:** You should come visit me at my cabin, then

**Artemis:** I’ll teach you how to go camping like an actual human being and not like a nerd who has to bring three tubs of sunscreen every time he goes outside

**Baywatch:** hey, I burn easily!

**Baywatch:** the sun has it out for me I tell ya

**Artemis:** Sure it does

**Baywatch:** I’ll hold you to that, though

**Artemis:** To what?

**Baywatch:** your cabin

**Baywatch:** I’ll come over for a slumber party one day and we’ll sit in the old rocking chairs and read books and listen to bad music on the radio

**Artemis:** Deal

**Artemis:** You’ll have to bring me along on your Paris trip, then

**Baywatch:** well duh

**Baywatch:** you don’t honestly expect me to go travelling without my 4.5th best friend, do you?

**Artemis:** Silly me

**Artemis:** Shit, my math teacher is glaring at me now

**Artemis:** We can talk more later

**Baywatch:** dans l’attente de paris, mademoiselle

**Artemis:** What does that say? I’m too lazy to google translate

**Baywatch:** it means have fun in class!

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Heart Eyes Motherfucker**

**Tuesday, February 21  
** **04:49 EST**

 

**Kaldur has renamed the chat:** **_What the FUCK, Richard?_ **

**Dick:** I feel personally attacked by this

**Dick:** I am a perfect angel

**Wally:** that’s a blatant lie and you know it. you emerged from the womb with devil horns

**Dick:** Thanks, I cover them with my floofy hair

**Megan:** What did Dick do? Now I’m curious to know what warranted an angry group chat name change at 4am

**Zatanna:** screw that, i’m curious to know who taught kaldur about vines

**Kaldur:** He knows what he did.

**Dick:** Don’t leave your phone unattended and nothing will happen to it ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Dick:** I was simply fulfilling my duty as an American and teaching you a valuable lesson about thievery

**Wally:** *cough* DEMON *cough*

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: What the FUCK, Richard?**

**Friday, February 24  
** **07:00 EST**

 

**Kaldur:** I am happy to announce that Mr. Smith has officially returned from jury duty and will be back as our den mother for today’s meeting!

**Wally:** OUR MOM HAS RETURNED FROM THE WAR, FELLAS

**Conner:** i hope he tells us about the serial killer case

**Roy:** I seriously doubt it was a serial killer case.

**Conner:** suuuuure it wasnt

**Conner:** believe that hogwash if you want

**Conner:** me? i want to hear about how our very own den mother brought the scranton strangler to justice

**Artemis:** I for one am glad that Toby from The Office is off the streets and in jail where he can’t hurt anyone else

**Wally:** I wonder which cereal he killed

**Wally:** it had better have been tony the tiger

**Wally:** never trusted him for a second

**Zatanna:** this is actually the perfect timing for tornado to come back

**Zatanna:** i just learned how to shoot a spitball and make it stick on the ceiling and i’ve been waiting since tuesday to show him

**Raquel:** You think that’s impressive? PleAse

**Raquel:** REAL talent is shooting a spitball that’s on fire

**Megan:** Um, fire hazard?

**Raquel:** Only if you’re a coward

**Zatanna:** please teach me

**Dick:** Me too me too!! I want to shoot fireballs

**Kaldur:** Do NOT teach them.

**Raquel:** Of course not, I would never ;)

**Kaldur:** You make that wink face go away right now.

**Raquel:** ;)

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: What the FUCK, Richard?**

**Monday, February 27  
** **12:09 EST**

 

**Artemis:** Oh my GOD I am actually dying right now

**Artemis:** My soul has fled my body and is now sitting on a telephone wire trying to blend in with a flock of pigeons

**Conner:** what happened?

**Wally:** nothing!

**Artemis:** Sorry Kid Crazy, but it’s my duty to reveal your shame to the world

**Roy:** I have my popcorn all ready to go, please tell us the story.  

**Artemis:** SO

**Artemis:** As you all know, Wally and I have physics together

**Artemis:** The teacher was going on about some science-y stuff,

**Wally:** dummy you weren’t even paying attention

**Artemis:** Tell me when I’ll need to know how much force it takes for a rocket ship to leave orbit and I’ll start paying attention in class

**Artemis:** Now be quiet. I don’t need any hecklers interrupting storytime

**Artemis:** Anyway, the teacher asked us if we would rather get crushed by a textbook or an apartment building to prove some point about blah blah blah

**Artemis:** And guess what Mr. Genius over here said

**Wally:** ……..please don’t call me out like this

**Dick:** Aasdfghjkl;lkjhytrdcfv Wally I love you so much oh my god

**Kaldur:** He said the apartment building didn’t he.

**Artemis:** Teacher’s concerned now

**Wally:** well exCUSE ME for having a sense of humor!

**Megan:** Wally, do you need to talk? :/ 

**Wally:** IT WAS A JOKE!!!!!

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: What the FUCK, Richard?**

**Thursday, March 2  
** **13:01 EST**

 

**Zatanna:** currently holding auditions for a new best friend in the whole world, applications are on my website: Hellhole For Satan Worshippers And Digeridoo Stans

**Zatanna:** qualifications include: being rad af, reading me smutty fanfiction for bedtime stories, owning a cool leather jacket and letting me borrow it, and having braidable hair

**Roy:** I think it’s spelled “didgeridoo.”

**Zatanna:** ur forbidden from applying now

**Roy:** But…But I wanted to be your best friend. :’(

**Kaldur:** I’m guessing something happened with Artemis?

**Zatanna:** she agreed to meet me at 1 so we could water the plants in the school herb garden with redbulls, but she never showed up and now i feel abandoned :((((

**Zatanna:** my soul is crushed

**Zatanna:** i have fallen into a depression and there is no way out of it

**Conner:** its only 1:02

**Conner:** im sure shes just running late

**Zatanna:** sounds like something an artemis crock apologizer would say

**Zatanna:** artemis artemis, where the fuck is u artemis

**Megan:** Actually, fun fact! In Shakespeare’s play, Juliet was actually asking WHY he was Romeo. She wasn’t asking where his location was

**Zatanna:** oh

**Zatanna:** artemis artemis, why the fuck is u artemis

**Megan:** Much better

**Zatanna:** i just know this is all wally’s fault

**Wally:** I???? have done nothing??

**Zatanna:** ur trying to steal my best friend and i am Not Having It

**Wally:** artemis and I barely tolerate each other, dude. come on

**Zatanna:** um my eyes and inner shipper would say otherwise

**Wally:** what does that even mean

**Zatanna:** none of ur beeswax

**Zatanna:** hhhhhnnnnnnggggggg where is artemis I’m so boreddddddddd

**Zatanna:** WHERE IS SHE

**Conner:** alright alright, ill tell you

**Conner:** do you know….the muffin man

**Megan:** The muffin man?

**Conner:** the muffin man

**Wally:** oh my god I love you both so much

**Megan:** Yes I know the muffin man. Who lives on drury lane?

**Conner:** well, shes married to the muffin man

**Megan:** The muffin man?!

**Conner:** THE MUFFIN MAN

**Megan:** She’s married to the muffin man…

**Zatanna:** that was really really cute and gay

**Zatanna:** almost enough to cure my artemis crock flavored depression

**Artemis:** Zee I am literally standing right behind you

**Zatanna:** excuse u, i have eyes. ur nowhere near me U Absolute Liar

**Artemis:** Take off the drunk goggles you stole from the health classroom

**Zatanna:** …

**Zatanna:** ARTEMIS!!!! :D

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: What the FUCK, Richard?**

**Thursday, March 2  
** **23:29 EST**

 

**Wally:** [audio file sent]

**Dick:** Is that

**Dick:** Is that four minutes of you with pop rocks in your mouth?

**Wally:** no, how immature do you think I am??

**Wally:** I put pop rocks in a bowl of rice krispies, duh

**Dick:** Of course, how silly of me

**Roy:** Snap, crackle, and pop rocks.

**Zatanna:** ksskdjkdjskjsdk

**Wally:** they’re very talkative. I think they’re gossiping

**Raquel:** What are they saying?

**Wally:** they’re saying dick cheney made money off the iraq war

**Dick:** Dick Cheney made money off the Iraq war

**Zatanna:** dick cheney made money off the iraq war

**Raquel:** Dick Cheney made money off the Iraq war

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: What the FUCK, Richard?**

**Sunday, March 5  
** **14:59 EST**

 

**Raquel:** Driving is hard

**Raquel:** New plan: become a scientist and invent teleportation that way I never have to learn how

**Conner:** you started trying for your license?

**Raquel:** Trying and failing

**Raquel:** I knew I was gay, but I had no idea I was THAT gay

**Raquel:** It took me five minutes to figure out that I still had the car in park

**Raquel:** I broke the windshield wipers just by turning them on

**Artemis:** You kidding? Driving’s so fun. I used to take out my neighbor’s car at night and drive to frat parties all the time when I was a kid

**Kaldur:** There is not a single part of that sentence that doesn’t have me extremely concerned.

**Artemis:** In my defense, I didn’t know right from wrong until fifth grade when my therapist gave me a pamphlet on how not to be a thug

**Artemis:** It said every time I defied the law a puppy would cry and that broke me

**Conner:** i could help if you want

**Conner:** raquel i mean

**Conner:** no offense artemis, but i think youre past saving

**Artemis:** None taken

**Raquel:** Didn’t you get road rage and kick a tree in half once?

**Conner:** that was ONE TIME, and it was a SMALL tree

**Megan:** I was there, it was not a small tree

**Megan:** I had to play the Lion King soundtrack on my phone for ten minutes until he calmed down

**Conner:** and my dad made me plant forty new trees the weekend after, so doesnt that count for something?

**Raquel:** Sorry, buddy

**Kaldur:** I would be willing to help you. I already have my permit, so I can teach you the basics. Though we will need a responsible licensed driver present as well.

**Roy:** I volunteer as tribute.

**Artemis:** Of course you do

**Artemis:** Also you’re not responsible in the slightest

**Roy:** How dare you? I’m VERY responsible.

**Kaldur:** Um.

**Roy:** How dare you spout this blasphemy? You’re my BOYFRIEND, you have to take my side.

**Roy:** And like you’re any more responsible than I am.

**Kaldur:** I will have you know that I am a perfect saint. I have never done anything wrong in my life. Every parent wants their child to turn out like me.

**Dick:** Weren’t you banned from the aquarium once?

**Raquel:** KJHJKLJH WHAT

**Kaldur:** God you steal ONE penguin, and suddenly you’re “psychotic” and “a menace to society.”

**Dick:** Kaldur, you are officially my new favorite person

**Dick:** And as for all of your guys’ driving problems, happy to report that I can’t relate! So suck it

**Artemis:** You’ll have to learn eventually, you walnut

**Dick:** Not if I have a Wallman on speed dial for piggy back rides

**Wally:** (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

**Raquel:** I gotta get me one of those

**Wally:** I’m like uber but better

**Wally:** and I provide car snacks

 

* * *

 

**Jason > Dickholas **

**Monday, March 6  
** **00:01**

 

**Jason:** bite me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Wally in that one scene:** waiting for paris, mademoiselle 
> 
> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	15. Heavy on the Dis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let’s do the time warp agaiiiiin. Yes I DID in fact fuck up the timeline so the days of the week are aligned like ours from this chapter on because I’m Tired of trying to calculate which day of the week it would be for each date. Why didn’t I just synchronize it with our current calendar in the first place, you ask? Excellent question! 
> 
> Moving on.
> 
> (Psssssst. It’s because I’m stupid.) 
> 
>  
> 
> **Warning: Themes of gender dysphoria in this chapter, so be careful if this is upsetting or triggering to you. <3**

******Group Chat: What the FUCK, Richard?**

**Thursday, March 7  
** **10:56 EST**

 

**Kaldur:** Everyone, we need to talk.

**Wally:** really? after everything we’ve been through, you’re ending it? just like that? I gave you my VIRGINITY, you bastard!

**Kaldur:** Please stop.

**Zatanna:** what do we have to talk about?

**Kaldur:** I am sure you’ve all noticed that there have been quite a few additions to GSA lately.

**Artemis:** What can we say? Gay is contagious

**Zatanna:** excuse u, OBVIOUSLY the reason we have more members is bc of those posters kal and i made

**Zatanna:** so ur welcome

**Kaldur:** We hung them in every hallway in the school, including the basement.

**Zatanna:** 2 in the hallways with a lot of windows that way the light reflecting off the buckets of rainbow glitter will get people’s attention

**Kaldur:** We did good work. I’m proud of us.

**Zatanna:** team sparkles for the win

**Dick:** Well I’d like to point out that I’m def not complaining about all the new people. Having Tim there is awesome because now he can’t escape my fantastic puns

**Artemis:** You’re ridiculous

**Dick:** Don’t you mean riDICKulous?

**Artemis:** I

**Wally:** wow

**Wally:** you really walked into that one huh

**Artemis:** Hindsight is a fickle queen

**Kaldur:** Opinions aside, we have not yet invited the new members to join in our group chat, and I think it is about time we did.

**Megan:** Um, no?

**Megan:** This is our house

**Megan:** They can get their own

**Zatanna:** yeah, those newbies need to EARN their right to join the Forbidden Zone

**Kaldur:** We can’t keep them out of the loop forever.

**Kaldur:** When GSA was canceled last week I found them all the next day camping outside of the classroom in tents and sleeping bags.

**Artemis:** It’s not our fault they’re not worthy of being in the know about gay stuff  

**Dick:** I concur

**Raquel:** Such an invasion of our inner circle would be abysmal

**Dick:** Horrific

**Raquel:** Cataclysmic

**Kaldur:** What do you propose we do, then? I can’t exactly use carrier pigeons every time I need to make an announcement.

**Zatanna:** not with that attitude u can’t

**Megan:** Why don’t we just make a new group chat?

**Dick:** Go on

**Megan:** We can make a separate server and tell them that it’s the one we’ve been using all year

**Megan:** We still have our house, and the intruders can know about club stuff

**Megan:** It’s a win/win

**Conner:** works for me

**Artemis:** Yeah, that’s a good idea

**Wally:** it’ll be like gsa: the season two edition

**Kaldur:** I’m glad that’s settled. I will make it soon and add you all.

**Raquel:** Next item up for debate: ketchup on mashed potatoes, yay or nay?

**Zatanna:** what

**Zatanna:** the

**Dick:** fuck

**Artemis:** Please Raquel never say those words to me in that order ever again

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Roy  **

**Thursday, March 7  
** **18:03 EST**

 

**Dick:** [image sent]

**Dick:** And you said I couldn’t pull off fishnets

**Dick:** Who’s the idiot now?

**Roy:** Pretty sure it’s the guy wearing a pair of fishnets without shame.  

**Dick:** You’re just jealous cuz I’m sexy

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: What the FUCK, Richard?**

**Friday, March 8  
** **01:54 EST**

 

**Wally:** skdjhf gsnv dlisuw3

**Wally:** jahsn03   2 r8 2egopq

**Wally:** lajJFS OI R +++++++

**Artemis:** Do I even want to ask

**Kaldur:** Wally? Are you okay?

**Artemis:** Maybe he’s having a seizure

**Artemis:** Wally if you’re alive, blink twice

**Wally:** ljks rhgrjhhjjkhjh

**Zatanna:** kaldur’s here? at this hour? i’m scandalized

**Zatanna:** what are u doing up, i thought any time after midnight was Delinquents O’Clock

**Wally:** jauytghbp ‘’’ twie7 398fgh.x,cn,

**Kaldur:** I am working on an english essay.

**Artemis:** Gross

**Wally:** asjppw hf wiqns syh sff

**Artemis:** Is this another one of your and Dick’s secret nerd codes? Because I can tell you right now nobody’s going to get it

**Dick:** I think he’s just sleep texting, ignore him

**Artemis:**...sleep texting

**Dick:** Yep

**Wally:** dflas-poe9qw wruoihfj

**Zatanna:** does this...happen a lot?

**Dick:** Not really, no

**Artemis:** Hey Sleep Wally, what’s your deepest darkest secret

**Wally:** kjajdeu9w7e-20 hdbvn   nbcbs

**Artemis:** I don’t know what I expected

**Kaldur:** This explains why Wally has been so tired lately.

**Zatanna:** what do u mean?

**Wally:** 987tdfyguiuh uyi

**Kaldur:** He’s been acting off for a few days, but I didn’t want to mention it because it was not my place.

**Dick:** Yeah, it’s kind of a thing that when he’s stressed out his sleep schedule goes right out the window

**Zatanna:** rip

**Dick:** Yeah

**Dick:** Anyways, who wants to put headless barbies in my brother’s coffee maker with me?

**Artemis:** I DO

 

* * *

 

**Kaldur > Roy **

**Saturday, March 9  
** **13:33 EST**

 

**Kaldur:** The heating system broke in my classroom.

**Roy:** Okay?

**Kaldur:** And I’m cold.

**Kaldur:** Very cold, actually.

**Kaldur:** Dare I say, freezing to death.

**Roy:**...Is this your way of asking to borrow my jacket?

**Kaldur:** Maybe.

**Roy:** Lmao you could have just asked.

**Roy:** I’ll be there in a sec babe.

**Kaldur:** Did. Did you just. Um.

**Kaldur:** Give me a second.

**Roy:** What?

**Kaldur:** Nothing. Just.

**Kaldur:** Nothing. I am completely fine.

**Roy:**....It’s because I called you babe, right. Too much?

**Kaldur:** Oh, did you call me babe? I hadn’t noticed.

**Roy:** Megan is sending me snapchats of you blushing.

**Kaldur:** Tell Megan she’s a traitor.

**Kaldur:** And I am NOT blushing.

**Roy:** [image sent]

**Roy:** Awww you’re cute babe.

**Kaldur:** STOP.

**Roy:** Do all pet names make you this blushy, or is it just babe? Because I have to say, this is very valuable information right here.

**Roy:** Darling.

**Roy:** Sweetheart.

**Roy:** Honeybun.

**Kaldur:** FGHJGFDSSH STOPPPPPP.

**Roy:** Dearest.

**Roy:** Baby cakes.

**Roy:** Light of my life.

**Roy:** The cheese to my mac.

**Roy:** The cherry to my coke.

**Roy:** The mayonnaise to my pizza.

**Kaldur:** Wait what was that last one?

**Roy:** The cherry to my coke.

 

* * *

 

**Conner > Wally **

**Monday, March 11  
** **09:34 EST**

 

**Conner:** anyway thats why i think they should have just killed him off in the first season

**Conner:** i mean, nobody even CARES about the purple teletubby

**Conner:** sure hes the biggest one, but other than that he contributes absolutely nothing to the plot

**Wally:** I know, right? like fuck you tinky winky, just because you have the triangle doesn’t mean you

**Wally:** fuck

**Wally:** goddamn fuck fuck motherFUCK

**Conner:**?

**Conner:** what happened?

**Wally:** nothing, just

**Wally:** fuck I’m so sorry but I gotta go

**Conner:** oh okay

**Conner:** bye

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Zee **

**Monday, March 11  
** **09:41 EST**

 

**Wally:** this is super awkward and embarrassing, but uh

**Wally:** do you have any pads with you?

**Wally:** I’m kind of empty-handed at the moment bc It sprung on me unexpectedly and I’m wearing light jeans and if it leaks through I’m gonna fucking drive myself off a fucking CLIFF and um. yeah

**Zee:** sure, where are u?

**Wally:** bathroom by the auditorium

**Zee:** kay i’ll be there in a minute, just hang tight

**Zee:** and it’s ur lucky day, because i have some leftover fundraiser chocolate in my backpack too!

**Wally:** thanks. sorry

**Zee:** nbd, don’t worry about it <3

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: What the FUCK, Richard?**

**Tuesday, March 12  
** **12:12 EST**

 

**Artemis:** I’ve decided to start a mutiny who’s with me

**Conner:** im in

**Roy:** She hasn’t even said who the mutiny is against yet.

**Conner:** i know what i said

**Raquel:** Can I bring my sword?

**Artemis:** Yes

**Kaldur:** Do you actually own a sword??

**Raquel:** Of course I do. Every lesbian has one, it’s a requirement

**Kaldur:** I don’t think that is a real thing.

**Conner:** be right back, have to test something

 

* * *

 

**Conner > Wendy **

**Tuesday, March 12  
** **12:16 EST**

 

**Conner:** this is random, but do you happen to have a sword by any chance?

**Wendy:** Well duh, I’m gay aren’t I?

**Conner:** thank you for your honesty

* * *

 

**Group Chat: What the FUCK, Richard?**

**Tuesday, March 12  
** **12:18 EST**

 

**Conner:** yup the facts check out

**Kaldur:** I stand corrected.

**Dick:** Who’s the mutiny against?

**Artemis:** School

**Raquel:** In that case I am DEFINITELY in, let’s fuck up the whole institution

**Conner:** what did the school do?

**Artemis:** Okay well

**Artemis:** It wasn’t the SCHOOL, per say

**Kaldur:** (I am so sorry for this but.)

**Kaldur:** (*per se)

**Artemis:** (you shut your whore mouth, I am an american and I will use whatever incorrect grammar I want)

**Artemis:** It was more of one teacher in particular who shall go unnamed

**Artemis:** (*cough* Mr. Savage *cough*)

**Dick:** What’d he do this time?

**Raquel:** Spill all the tea honey

**Artemis:** We were taking a quiz in global and I had my earbuds in because I’d already finished early and handed it in, but Savage went off the shits and took my phone even though I wasn’t even TOUCHING IT, and then he called me a dumb millennial for being addicted to “instachat”

**Kaldur:** Do we even count as millennials? I have no idea how that works.

**Dick:** Idk about you guys, but I’m definitely a gen z

**Dick:** I make great puns and am careless with my own mortality because all of life is a hallucination :)

**Dick:** *finger guns*

**Kaldur:** You and I need to have a talk.

**Artemis:** After class I asked for my phone back, but he said I couldn’t have it until the end of the day

**Artemis:** And when I asked why he was being such an asshole, he said “Because I’m the teacher and you’re the student, and if you keep bothering me about this I’ll give you detention for the rest of the week”

**Raquel:** Oh my god what a jerk

**Dick:** Who says that to a child?? Bitch nugget

**Artemis:** Mhm

**Roy:** Artemis I’m sorry that happened to you, but I have to ask:

**Roy:** If Savage has your phone, how are you texting us now?

**Artemis:** Oh I decided to ditch for the rest of the day and hang out in the computer lab instead

**Kaldur:** Please go to class next period, I don’t want you skipping for the whole day.

**Artemis:** You’re not my mom

**Dick:** Isn’t he, though?

**Kaldur:** Wait I thought I was the dad. Wally always calls me the dad.

**Dick:** Yeah, but we say mom friend not dad friend

**Dick:** The mom friend is the one who’s responsible and supportive and maternal

**Dick:** The dad friend is the one who lets you gamble your allowance away on a game of drunk Bop It and takes a video

**Artemis:** Back to the matter at hand, people

**Artemis:** I want my gotdamn phone back

**Artemis:** My one connection to the world is gone

**Artemis:** How long have I been off the grid? Are memes still a thing? Did Leonardo DiCaprio win his Oscar yet?

**Raquel:** Pretty sure that happened already

**Conner:** and arent you on a computer??

**Artemis:** How dare you interrupt my turmoil with rationality

**Artemis:** I miss my phone

**Artemis:** I feel NAKED

**Artemis:** And not in the fun way

**Roy:** Your phone is the one with the cheshire cat case, right?

**Artemis:** Yeah

**Roy:** Then in that case, meet me at your locker and I’ll give it to you.

**Conner:** that was fast

**Artemis:** Roy, I take back every mean thing I’ve ever said to you :’)

**Artemis:** Including yesterday when I got drunk on frozen yogurt and called you a wrinkly slutbag <3

**Roy:** Apology accepted.

**Roy:** I also left a tack on Savage’s chair because fuck him.

**Kaldur:** Am I the only sane, non-murderous person here??

**Dick:** Yes

**Raquel:** Yes

**Artemis:** Yes

**Roy:** Yes.

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Baywatch **

**Wednesday, March 13  
** **10:18 EST**

 

**Artemis:** WAKE UP

**Artemis:** HEY

**Artemis:** KID DROOL

**Artemis:** BUZZ BUZZ BITCH BUZZ BUZZ

**Baywatch:** what do you wnat from me

**Artemis:** I just saved your ass from getting in trouble with the teacher for falling asleep in class, so a thank you would suffice

**Artemis:** You going for the sleep deprivation world record or something?

**Artemis:** I can see those eye bags all the way from across the room

**Baywatch:** it’s nothing

**Baywatch:** just a couple all-nighters

**Artemis:** Seems like more than a couple

**Artemis:** Wally?

**Artemis:** Wally

**Artemis:** Hey Wally wake up

**Artemis:** STOP FALLING ASLEEP YOU STALE POTATO CHIP

**Artemis:** BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ

**Baywatch:** sorry I’m up I’m up

**Artemis:** That’s it, next period you’re going to the nurse’s office and taking a nap

**Artemis:** For now though, I’m your personal alarm clock so deal with it

**Baywatch:** please don’t

**Artemis:** Too late

**Artemis:** Every time you fall asleep I’m sending you a cringey harambe meme so beware

**Baywatch:** ugh

**Artemis:** Hey

**Artemis:** Wake up

**Artemis:** WAKE UP

**Artemis:** [image sent]

**Artemis:** [image sent]

**Artemis:** RISE AND SHINE MOTHERFUCKER

**Artemis:** [image sent]

**Artemis:** [image sent]

**Artemis:** [image sent]

**Artemis:** [image sent]

**Artemis:** I’m a good friend to you

**Artemis:** [image sent]

**Artemis:** [image sent]

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Duck Great-Sin**

**Wednesday, March 13  
** **15:20 EST**

 

**Wally:** ravioli ravioli give me a reason to live

**Duck Great-Sin:** Bad day?

**Wally:** several

**Wally:** please shoot me in the face

**Wally:** with a bazooka

**Wally:** that oughta do it

**Duck Great-Sin:** What happened?

**Wally:** nothing except the moon is a Bitch and whoever gave her control over certain bodily processes should be sent straight to the guillotine

**Duck Great-Sin:** I’m pretty sure that’s a myth actually

**Duck Great-Sin:** But that sucks

**Wally:** no shit

**Duck Great-Sin:** You wanna talk about it?

**Wally:** not particularly

**Duck Great-Sin:** You sure?

**Wally:** yeah, sorry. it’s not you, just. idk. you’re my best friend, y’know? it feels awkward talking about this stuff with you, but it’s not like I have anyone else so

**Wally:** purgatory I guess

**Duck Great-Sin:** Man I’m sorry, you must really not be feeling the aster right now

**Wally:**...

**Wally:** I’m sorry the

**Wally:** the what

**Duck Great-Sin:** Aster

**Duck Great-Sin:** You know, the opposite of disaster?

**Wally:** aster

**Wally:** that is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, but it made me laugh for the first time today so thanks for that

**Duck Great-Sin:** Happy to help

**Wally:** this has gotta be like. ten words you’ve added to the dictionary

**Duck Great-Sin:** You mean DICKtionary

**Wally:** ksjslkdjkl

**Contact name changed to:** **_Dicktionary_ **

 

* * *

 

**Conner > Dick **

**Thursday, March 14  
** **04:45 EST**

 

**Conner:** HELP I GLUED ONE OF MY EYELIDS SHUT

**Dick:** This is the best message I’ve ever woken up to

* * *

 

**Artemis > Baywatch **

**Thursday, March 14  
** **13:07 EST**

 

**Wally:** remember that time I asked if we were friends, and you said yes?

**Blondie:** Vaguely

**Blondie:** Why?

**Wally:** okay so normally I would just go to miss lance when I need to vent but she has the flu and has been absent all week, and yeah dick is my queerplatonic soulmate but I can’t exactly talk to him about this kind of stuff because it’s different and I really really really need someone to talk to or I’m gonna start pulling my hair out and binge-eating doritos  

**Wally:** and I know I probably shouldn’t annoy you with all my problems but it’s been a shitty week and I haven’t slept in DAYS and I don’t know who else to go to and you can just say the word and I’ll stop becuase I’m kinda bombarding you rn but I don’t knwo what else to do and

**Blondie:** Wally

**Blondie:** Take a breath, okay?

**Blondie:** Look, do you feel like talking would make you feel better?

**Wally:** I think so, yeah

**Blondie:** Okay 

**Blondie:** Then I’m here to listen

**Wally:** you sure?

**Blondie:** Yes. Tell me what’s up

**Wally:** okay

**Wally:** so you already know that I’m trans, which. okay

**Wally:** and usually it doesn’t bother me too much? mostly because I’m really good at distracting myself and also barry and iris are like, the most supportive people on the face of the earth

**Wally:** but sometimes dysphoria’s a bitch anyway and wants me to suffer

**Wally:** especially around this particular time of the month,,,if you catch my drift

**Blondie:** Oof

**Wally:** tbh it had already been pretty bad in the last few weeks and left me all uncomfortable and depressed and stuff, but then my fucking period had to fuck it up even more which. thanks for that, body, REALLY appreciate it

**Wally:** and like, I’ve been on T for so long that I kind of thought this went away? but apparently it hasn’t which is Just So Fucking Great, Really

**Wally:** and I know I’m 100% a dude, but it’s not fun being reminded that other guys don’t usually have to deal with this shit

**Wally:** and it makes my dysphoria a billion times worse and I can’t sleep and I can’t focus in class and it hurts to bind but if I don’t then it’ll make the dysphoria a TRILLION times worse and it just

**Wally:** it just really sucks, you know?  

**Blondie:** I’m sorry, I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling

**Wally:** it’ll be better once this whole ordeal is over with, but for now?

**Wally:** for now I just feel GROSS and WRONG and I’m really really sorry for unloading all of this on you, but I had to get it all out otherwise I was going to EXPLODE and

**Wally:** ugh

**Wally:** ugh ugh UGH 

**Blondie:** Okay, that’s it, what are you doing after eighth period

**Wally:** idk

**Wally:** probably going home to watch anime and eat everything in the fridge. why?

**Blondie:** We’re going out and you’re gonna have a ton of fun and forget all about that bitchass dysphoria

**Wally:** where are we going?

**Blondie:** No idea

**Blondie:** You in?

**Wally:** hell yeah

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Spill the Tea Sis**

**Thursday, March 14  
** **14:09 EST**

 

**One Black Coffee:** [image sent]

**One Black Coffee:** You’re welcome

**Lemonade:** Oh my gosh when did you take this??  
  
**One Black Coffee:** Just now while we were at the lizard emporium

**Chamomile:** is that an iguana on his shoulder???

**One Black Coffee:** YEP

**One Black Coffee:** He didn’t even notice for a good minute or so, but when he did?

**One Black Coffee:** You should have heard how loud he screamed

**One Black Coffee:** I’m pretty sure it shattered glass

**Lemonade:** I never would have thought seeing a pic of Wally mid-scream and flailing around with a lizard on him would fill me with such joy, but here we are

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Blondie **

**Thursday, March 14  
** **16:37 EST**

 

**Wally:** delete that picture

**Blondie:** Make it the new lockscreen on my phone? Well if you say so


	16. Chapter Sixteen, Goin' On Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyyy it's chapter sixteen, AKA YJ's super special number because it's on Earth-16! So...yeah. I guess that means this chapter's magical or something? Idk. 
> 
> How about this, whoever can count how many times the number 16 appears in this chapter first wins a prize, which is that I'll reply to your correct answer with a 7-sentence short story about Shia Labeouf and that duck who keeps asking for grapes. Go!

**Kaldur Durham has created the chat:** **_Happy Harbor HS GSA Club_ **

**Saturday, March 16  
** **16:16 EST**

 

**Kaldur Durham has added Artemis Crock to the conversation.**

**Kaldur Durham has added Dick Grayson to the conversation.**

**Kaldur Durham has added Wally West to the conversation.**

**Kaldur Durham has added Megan Morse to the conversation.**

**Kaldur Durham has added Conner Kent to the conversation.**

**Kaldur Durham has added Raquel Ervin to the conversation.**

**Kaldur Durham has added Zatanna Zatara to the conversation.**

**Kaldur Durham has added Roy Harper to the conversation.**

**Kaldur Durham has added Tim Drake to the conversation.**

**Kaldur Durham has added Jaime Reyes to the conversation.**

**Kaldur Durham has added Cassandra Sandsmark to the conversation.**

**Kaldur Durham has added Bart Allen to the conversation.**

**Kaldur Durham has added Traci Thurston to the conversation.**

**Kaldur Durham has added Stephanie Brown to the conversation.**

**Kaldur Durham has added La’gann Blofis to the conversation.**

**Kaldur:** Welcome everyone to the never-before, brand new GSA group chat! This is where I will be informing members about club-related matters, in addition to being a place for us all to become further acquainted with each other. Feel free to contact me with any questions you may have.

 **Roy:** ^^^ That’s my boyfriend by the way guys.

 **Roy:** I’m so lucky, I know.

 **Zatanna:** wow, i have never been in a group chat before!! ever!!

 **Conner:** yes, especially not a gay one! what a completely new experience!

 **Dick:** (Be cool guys, be cool)

 **Dick:** HI TIMMY!!! :D

**Tim Drake has removed Dick Grayson from the conversation.**

**Wally:** SDFGHJKLHGF

 **Tim:** oh deary me, did I do that? What a terrible accident

 **Wally:** tim this is why you have always been my favorite

**Megan Morse has added Dick Grayson to the conversation.**

**Dick:** You thought you could get rid of me so easily? THINK AGAIN BITCH

 **Megan:** Don’t worry, I saved you

 **Tim:** My finger slipped

 **Dick:** Timmy you shut the FUCK up

 **Dick:** Megan on the other hand you’re doing amazing sweetie

 **Megan:** :3c

 **Kaldur:**...Anyway.

 **Kaldur:** Please share with us your sexuality, pronouns, and whatever else you think you should add.

 **Zatanna:** *rolls out the red carpet as i descend, velvet cape billowing behind me in the wind while a choir sings, announcing my arrival* heLLO FRIENDS, ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF

 **Kaldur:** You shut the HECK UP. This is for the NEWCOMERS ONLY.  

 **Zatanna:** *struggles to roll carpet up* goddammit these fucking rugs weren’t made to be rolled back up motherfuck  

 **Tim:** Whaddup my name’s Jared, I’m 19, and i never fucking learned how to read.

 **Dick:** Bro I am so fucking PROUD of you right now

 **Conner:** what an entrance

 **Tim:** (Really though I’m That Gay Kid but you can call me tim, I’m biromantic demisexual, he/him, and I’m actually supposed to be in eighth grade but I skipped because fuck the rules i can’t read them anyway)

 **Cassie:** Hi, guys! I’m Cassie, I’m a flaming lesbian, I go by she/her, and I can play the recorder with my nose.

 **Steph:** i can play Heart And Soul on the piano with my feet

 **Jaime:** You stole that from the Breakfast Club didn’t you.  

 **Steph:** i have no idea what you’re talking about

 **Jaime:** Hi, my name is Jaime Reyes. I’m bisexual, I use he/him pronouns, and one time my best friend mailed my favorite scented candle to Missouri.

 **Kaldur:** That is tragic.

 **Jaime:** Nah, its new owners send me picture updates every year so I can see how it’s doing.

 **La’gann:** hey guys, the name’s la’gann and i’m straight

 **Artemis:** Oh, so you’re here as an ally? That’s pretty rad

 **La’gann:** actualy I just needed a place to hang out after school before baseball

 **Artemis:** Oh

 **Megan:** La’gann is an interesting name!

 **La’gann:** yeah, my parents were really into anime when i was born

 **Traci:** Hi!! My name is Traci, I’m a girl who loves girls, and I’ve never seen Back to the Future because I heard that there were str8s in it

 **Zatanna:** now that’s gay so it’s valid on a technicality,,

 **Zatanna:** but also how dare you

 **Steph:** you can call me steph, I’m really really pansexual, and I use she/her

 **Bart:** hiya guys, i’m bart!! :^)

 **Wally:** nope nope nope nope make that nose go away

 **Wally:** ur making me look bad in front of my peers

 **Tim has renamed the group:** **_Young Just Us_ **

**Jaime:** Um.

 **Cassie:** Explain

 **Tim:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Bart:** lololol

 **Bart:** but really though what does that mean

 **Tim:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Kaldur:** Oh, so I see this is all just a big JOKE to you people, isn’t it?

 **Kaldur:** My hard work? My blood and sweat and tears? The whole fifteen minutes I spent creating this special chat server for you all? You are just going to hijack it? Just like that? And yet again SOIL my good name by turning a GSA-centric chat into a cesspool of tomfoolery and teenage psychoticism? Is that it? Is that your angle? Really?

 **Tim:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Megalicious**

**Sunday, March 17  
** **17:16 EST**

 

 **Wally:** you must be a banana

 **Wally:** know why?

 **Megalicious:** Why?

 **Wally:** because I find you very a-peeling

 **Megalicious:** (◕▽◕✿)

 **Megalicious:** How was your day?

 **Wally:** good! artemis and I played this game third period where every time our history teacher turned his back we would try to make each other laugh from across the room? it was so fucking funny, she kept making this face which was. well, I guess you’d have to see it for yourself to get it, but trust me it’s Hilarious.  

 **Megalicious:** Wow

 **Wally:** what?

 **Megalicious:** Nothing

 **Wally:** no really, what?

 **Megalicious:** Just

 **Megalicious:** You and Artemis have been spending a lot of time together lately

 **Wally:** well, yeah

 **Wally:** we’re friends

 **Megalicious:** That’s all?

 **Wally:**...what are you implying?

 **Megalicious:** I’m not implying anything

 **Megalicious:** I just can’t help noticing how close you two are now

 **Wally:** I’m close with a lot of people. hell, you and I are close

 **Megalicious:** Yeah, but you also had a crush on me for four months soooo

 **Wally:** and now you’re like a sister to me which is WHY we’re close. things change

 **Megalicious:** Is Artemis like a sister to you too, then?

 **Wally:** well...no

 **Wally:** but that’s different

 **Megalicious:** Different how?

 **Wally:** it just is, okay? I mean she’s so...artemis

 **Megalicious:** So you see me as a sister figure, but not Artemis

 **Wally:** why does it matter? that doesn’t mean I like her

 **Megalicious:** I never said you did

 **Wally:** please, I know how your brain works. you’re meddling

 **Megalicious:** I’m not meddling. Just making some innocent observations :)

 **Wally:** you wipe off that smiley face right now young lady

 **Megalicious:** :)

 **Wally:** you sicken me

 **Wally:** I’m sickened

 **Megalicious:** :))

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: What the FUCK, Richard?**

**Tuesday, March 19  
** **07:16 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** and they were ROOMMATES

 **Dick:** Oh my god they were roommates

 **Artemis:** Hurricane KatRiNa? More like hurricane torTILLA

 **Megan:** You can’t sit with us!

 **Wally:** actually, megan, I can’t sit ANYWHERE

 **Wally:** I have HEmarOiDs

 **Kaldur:** Road work ahead? Uh, yeah, I sure HOPE it does.

 **Zatanna:** dad look, it’s the good kush

 **Conner:** this is the dollar store, how good can it be

 **Raquel:** Hey, I’m lesbian

 **Artemis:** I thought you were American

 **Dick:** Hi, thanks for checking in I’m STILL A PIECE OF GARBAGEEEE

 **Megan:** AH! Stahhhhp, I coulda dropped my CROISSANT

 **Kaldur:** Saw you hanging out with Caitlyn yesterday.

 **Raquel:** Re-Rebecca it’s not what you think!

 **Kaldur:** I won’t hesitate, bITCh.

 **Roy:** My turn!

 **Roy:** [image sent]

 **Artemis:** ………Oh my god is that

 **Dick:** lkjhgfdghk ROY

 **Raquel:** Is that a fucking RAGE COMIC

 **Roy:** Did...I not do it right?

 **Dick:** Roy, I say this with the utmost love and respect

 **Dick:** You’re fucking old

 **Roy:** D:

 **Wally:** HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TEACH YOU THIS LESSON OLD MAN?

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Alpha Squad**

**Tuesday, March 19  
** **16:16 EST**

 

 **Mxgxn:** Sorry babe

**Mxgxn has removed Cxnnxr from the conversation.**

**Mxgxn has added Wally West to the conversation.**

**Xrtxmxs:** Well things just got interesting

 **Wally:** uhhhhhhh where am I

 **Mxgxn:** Super secret birthday party planning chat

 **Wally:** oh gotcha

 **Dxck:** (Change all the vowels in your name to Xs)

**Wally West has set their nickname to Wxlly.**

**Wxlly:** done and done

 **Kxldxr:** You forgot about the Y.

 **Rxqxxl:**???? Y’s not a vowel

 **Kxldxr:** Um yes it is.

 **Xrtxmxs:** Sorry, but I have to side with Raquel on this one. Y’s not a vowel

 **Rxy:** Yeah, definitely not.

 **Zxtxnnx:** no way

 **Dxck:** I’m pretty sure it is?? That’s why it’s interchangeable with E and I sometimes

 **Rxy:** False.

 **Dxck:** Do you wanna go??  
  
**Rxy:** I wanna GO.

 **Dxck:** FIGHT ME RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW THEN, COWARD

 **Rxy:** JUST NAME THE TIME AND THE PLACE, PAL except my schedule’s kind of packed today.

 **Dxck:** WELL IN THAT CASE how does Saturday work for you

 **Rxy:** I WOULD BE HAPPY TO POUND YOUR FACE IN ON SATURDAY but Ollie’s taking me hiking that morning, so I’m only free after six.

 **Dxck:** WELL LUCKY FOR YOU THEN BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO BE FREE ALL DAY as long as I get to bed by ten of course

 **Rxy:** ALRIGHT THEN, IT’S A DATE.

 **Dxck:** YES IT IS, should I bring flowers or is that too much

 **Mxgxn:** I love you both, but I WILL kick your butts out of this chat don’t test me

 **Zxtxnnx:** someone’s feisty today

 **Mxgxn:** I’m sorry, we’re just on a tight schedule here

 **Kxldxr:** For what?

 **Rxqxxl:** And remind me again why we’re in the top secret birthday-planning chat?

 **Rxqxxl:** There aren’t any birthdays coming up I don’t think

 **Mxgxn:** Which brings up my point

 **Mxgxn:** Has no one else known that Conner’s birthday is on Thursday????

 **Zxtxnnx:** WHAT

 **Wxlly:** conner has a birthday??  
  
**Wxlly:** I thought he just sprung into existence already full grown and has never aged a day since

 **Wxlly:** like paul rudd

 **Xrtxmxs:** You saw his baby pictures?

 **Wxlly:** photoshopped

 **Mxgxn:** You’re all missing the point here guys

 **Mxgxn:** My boyfriend’s BIRTHDAY is in two days

 **Mxgxn:** And I can’t come up with any good ideas for what to do on such short notice, so HELP ME PLEASE I’M BEGGING YOU

 **Dxck:** Bury him under the Lincoln Memorial

 **Mxgxn:** No

 **Zxtxnnx:** make a macaroni portrait of his face and eat it together with pineapple sauce

 **Mxgxn:** No

 **Rxqxxl:** Rent two Barney the dinosaur costumes and go bananas

 **Mxgxn:** Does no one here care about me at all??????

 **Kxldxr:** I do.

 **Mxgxn:** Do you have an idea?

 **Kxldxr:** No.

 **Mxgxn:** Then you sit on a throne of lies

 **Rxy:** Why can’t you just buy him a present and a cupcake and call it a day?

 **Rxy:** He’s only seventeen, right? Not really that special, so take it easy.

 **Mxgxn:** Are you kidding?

 **Mxgxn:** When my brother turned twelve last year I spent an entire month beforehand making him a rainforest animal scrapbook FROM SCRATCH

 **Mxgxn:** Do you know how hard it is to find kinkajou stickers???

 **Mxgxn:** VERY HARD

 **Wxlly:** yeah and besides, kon’s not turning 17 anyway

 **Mxgxn:**?

 **Rxy:** You lost me

 **Wxlly:** have we forgotten that conner’s only 6 years old?

 **Wxlly:** he’s turning 7, duh

 **Dxck:** I’VE GOT IT!!

 **Mxgxn:** You have an idea??

 **Dxck:** No, I just found the piece of celery that’s been stuck in my teeth all day

 **Mxgxn:** :/

 **Dxck:** But great news, finding that celery gave me a birthday party idea!!!

 **Mxgxn:** FINALLY

 **Mxgxn:** What is it?

 **Dxck:** I’ve got the perfect place, hang on I’ll link you

 **Dxck:** [link sent]

 **Wxlly:** YES

 **Rxy:** NO.

 **Zxtxnnx:** YES

 **Wxlly:** MEGAN PLEASE LET US DO THIS I’LL OWE YOU MY LIFE

 **Rxy:** Are you people serious?

 **Wxlly:** AS A HEART ATTACK

 **Mxgxn:** Huh

 **Rxy:** That had better be a “hell no” huh.

 **Mxgxn:** I actually kind of like it

 **Rxy:** Seriously???

 **Mxgxn:** Seriously

 **Mxgxn:** It’ll be fun

 **Rxy:** It’ll be humiliating.

 **Zxtxnnx:** for u maybe

 **Zxtxnnx:** the rest of us will just have a ton of fun without u

 **Rxy:** Hey, now I never said I didn’t want to come.

 **Wxlly:** YAYAYAYAYAY

 **Xrtxmxs:** Is it bad that I actually really want to go there now

 **Kxldxr:** Probably.

 **Kxldxr:** But so do I, so I guess we’re doing this.

 **Dxck:** NICE

 **Dxck:** I’ll call and make the arrangements

 **Mxgxn:** Who wants to come to the party store with me to buy supplies?

 **Rxqxxl:** Can I get some of those fake mustaches while we’re there?

 **Mxgxn:** You can get one fake mustache

 **Rxqxxl:** Count me in then

 **Kxldxr:** I will help as well.

 **Xrtxmxs:** Operation: Childlike Nostalgia is a go, people

 **Wxlly:** nice name ;)

 **Xrtxmxs:** Thanks ;)

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Young Just Us**

**Wednesday, March 20  
** **16:16 EST**

 

 **Bart:** I want cupcakes

 **Traci:** Then make some cupcakes

 **Bart:** don’t wanna

 **Traci:** Buy some

 **Bart:** I’m poor

 **Traci:** Well I tried

 **Cassie:** Eat a raw onion

 **Bart:** already did

 **Steph:**???

 **Bart:** you fools are no match for how hungry I am

 **Jaime:** I’ll share my chicken whizzes with you if you do my biology homework for me in exchange?

 **Bart:** DEAL DEAL DEAL

 **Jaime:** And that’s how you do it folks.

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Conner **

**Thursday, March 21  
** **00:00 EST**

 

 **Dick:** HAPPY SEVENTH BIRTHDAY, KIDDO!!!

 **Conner:** i will drown you in a porta potty

 **Conner:**...but thank you

 **Dick:** <3

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Conner**

**Thursday, March 21  
** **05:16 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** hope u have a great seventh birthday, little guy <3

 **Conner:** i am so tired of being alive

 

* * *

 

**Kaldur > Conner**

**Thursday, March 21  
** **06:16 EST**

 

 **Kaldur:** Happy birthday!

 **Conner:** thanks. especially because youre the only person so far who hasnt made fun of my age, so thanks for that

 **Kaldur:** Well of course I would not do that.

 **Kaldur:** It would be wrong to bully a seven-year-old.

 **Conner:** thats it i quit. no birthday cake for anyone but me and megan and my dog. at least THEY love me

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Conner **

**Thursday, March 21  
** **07:16 EST**

 

 **Artemis:** Happy birthday, slugger

 **Artemis:** God, already seven years old. They really do grow up so fast….

 **Conner:** *heavy sigh*

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: What the FUCK, Richard?**

**Thursday, March 21  
** **09:16 EST**

 

 **Artemis:** Can someone who has class with the gremlin please throw a cement block at his skull and tell him to turn his phone on?

 **Artemis:** Barbara won’t stop texting me because she needs Dick

 **Zatanna:** i think we could all use some dick tbh

 **Raquel:** *sprays you with a squirt bottle* NO! BAD! GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

 

* * *

 

**Conner > Megan **

**Thursday, March 21  
** **17:16 EST**

 

 **Conner:** hey so i followed the directions you gave me, but i still cant find the place

 **Conner:** which, by the way, im pretty sure its my right as the birthday boy to know the details about my own party?  

 **Megan:** Nope, that’s against the surprise party rules

 **Megan:** And the directions I gave you were correct, don’t worry

 **Conner:** maybe i read them wrong then? it keeps leading me to a chuck e cheese

 **Megan:** :)

 **Conner:** is this a joke

 **Megan:** :)

 **Conner:** you really decided to have my birthday party at chuck e cheese

 **Megan:** :)

 **Megan:** Come inside, we’ve got pizza

 **Conner:** oh my god

 

* * *

 

**Megan > Artemis **

**Thursday, March 21  
** **17:16 EST**

 

 **Megan:** Was that you I just saw get into a fight with a fourth grader

 **Artemis:** THOSE WERE MY TICKETS OKAY, I WON THEM FAIR AND SQUARE

 **Megan:** Yeah but you can’t just call a nine year old “a snottier Steve Buscemi” it’s not nice

 **Artemis:** Please, that kid had it coming

 **Megan:** Oy vey

 **Artemis:** Ha joke’s on you, I don’t SPEAK Italian

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman **

**Thursday, March 21  
** **19:16 EST**

 

 **Dick:** Hey, what do you say we pool our tickets and get matching fake tattoos on our faces?

 **Wallman:** see, this is why we’re best friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, in case anyone was wondering, (which you weren't), when I was writing the part where Dick and Zatanna did the "and they were roommates" bit, I couldn't help noticing that I spelled "roommates" with only one M on the first try. Which then prompted me to have an emotional and existential crisis at 11:00 at night because a couple weeks ago I committed my first ever act of rebellion, which was writing "And they were roommates" with a Sharpie on a wooden bench in the courtyard of my high school. That's right, I defaced school property. _But guess who spelled "roommates" wrong._
> 
> ME. THAT IS WHO SPELLED IT WRONG. I DID. 
> 
> MY ONE ACT OF TEENAGE REBELLION, AND I _SPELLED IT WRONG._ I DON'T SPELL THINGS WRONG. MY SECOND-GRADE TEACHER LET ME PICK MY OWN SPELLING WORDS BECAUSE I NEEDED MORE OF A CHALLENGE. MY MOM COMES TO _ME_ WHEN SHE NEEDS HELP SPELLING SOMETHING. 
> 
> AND I
> 
> SPELLED
> 
> ROOMMATES
> 
>  
> 
> _WRONGGGGG_
> 
>  
> 
> So that was a disturbing revelation.


	17. Could Be Gayer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter's pretty late; I read Carry On by Rainbow Rowell recently, and by that I mean I read the book twice in three days because I couldn't help myself whoops. On the bright side, I am now filled with even more gay energy.

**Group Chat: Bread**

**Saturday, March 23  
** **12:28 EST**

 

**Bagél:** you are…my fiire...

**Wonder Bread:** The one….desiiire…..

**Crouton:** Believe…..when I say…..

**Rye Bread:** I want it thaaat way.

**Bagél:** TELL ME WHY

**Wonder Bread:** Ain’t nothing but a heaaartache

**Bagél:** TELL ME WHY

**Rye Bread:** Ain’t nothing but a miiistake.

**Crouton:** I never want to hear you sayyy

**Rye Bread:** I WANT IT THAAAT WAY.  

**Bagél:** chills. literal chills

**Wonder Bread:** *sob* It was number five

**Wonder Bread:** Number five killed my brother

**Bagél:** oh my god I forgot about that part

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: What the FUCK, Richard?**

**Saturday, March 23  
** **18:09 EST**

 

**Raquel:** Honesty circle time, everyone!

**Raquel:** Time for the truth to come out once and for all  

**Artemis:** I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m getting so many red flags rn

**Raquel:** I have a very important question for you folks, and I want your full honesty on this

**Dick:** Is it about That Bitch Madison’s nose job? Because I hacked the hospital records and yes she did in fact base it off of Marilyn Manson’s schnozz

**Wally:** I KNEW IT

**Raquel:** That’s not what I’m talking about, but good to know

**Raquel:** Okay so here’s my question, and just know that if any of you lie then Zeus himself will strike you down with no remorse:

**Raquel:** *drumroll………….*

**Raquel:** WOULD YOU FUCK YOUR CLONE, YES OR NO

**Zatanna:** in a heartbeat

**Megan:** Never

**Kaldur:** No, because that would be like doing it with my twin which is nasty.

**Dick:** Yes because I want to know if I’m any good at it

**Conner:** absolutely not

**Wally:** no because I hate myself, therefore I would hate my clone too much to fuck him

**Artemis:** Depends on whether my clone is evil or not

**Wally:** I guarantee your clone would not be evil

**Artemis:** How’s that?

**Wally:** because knowing you, you’re ALREADY the evil version of yourself

**Wally:** your clone would be an angel compared to you

**Artemis:** That is the best compliment I’ve ever received  

**Artemis:** In that case, put me down as a solid “maybe”

**Raquel:** Roy?

**Roy:** Not even if you paid me.

**Conner:** now THAT one surprises me

**Roy:**??

**Roy:** How???

**Conner:** i dunno, you seem sufficiently weird to me

**Wally:** hey roy, what if YOU were the clone? would you do it then?

**Roy:** Why would I be the clone?

**Wally:** Well I wasn’t there when you were born, so who’s to say you WEREN’T grown in an empty jelly jar and dumped out into society with an unknowing thirst for world domination

**Roy:** Still a hard no.

**Zatanna:** what if ur clone looked like beyonce

**Roy:** Then it wouldn’t be my clone anymore, would it.

**Dick:** Is that a yes?

**Roy:** No.

**Raquel:** Is that a maybe?

**Roy:** Still no.

**Conner:** what if we genetically modified your clone to look like kaldur

**Roy:** STOP TRYING TO PEER PRESSURE ME INTO FUCKING MY CLONE.

**Artemis:** Asdfgkhjlk WAIT I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING

**Artemis:** Hey Roy?

**Roy:** No.

**Artemis:** Roy

**Roy:** No.

**Artemis:** Royyyy

**Artemis:** Roy Roy Roy

**Artemis:** Hey Roy

**Roy:** What.

**Artemis:** Go fuck yourself

**Roy Harper has removed Artemis Crock from the conversation.**

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Conner **

**Monday, March 25  
** **07:53 EST**

 

**Wally:** knock knock

**Conner:** whos there

**Wally:** banana

**Conner:** banana who

**Wally:** knock knock

**Conner:** whos there

**Wally:** banana

**Conner:** banana who

**Wally:** knock knock

**Conner:** whos there

**Wally:** banana

**Conner:** banana who

**Wally:** knock knock

**Conner:** whos th

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: What the FUCK, Richard?**

**Monday, March 25  
** **10:41 EST**

 

**Zatanna has renamed the group:** **_Hi Gay I’m Dad_ **

**Megan:** Hahahahahahh

**Dick:** Poetic storytelling

**Wally:** son, I have something to tell you….

**Zatanna:** what is it dad?

**Wally:** son…

**Wally:** I got an A

**Wally:** BOR

**Wally:** TION

**Wally:** okay but really though, this was what my uncle said to me when I came out to him

**Wally:** I was all emotional and shit, and then this fucking guy did fingerguns and said “hi bi, I’m barry”

**Wally:** the fact that I didn’t see it coming when I came out again as trans is my own fault

**Kaldur:** Can your uncle please adopt me that way I can have a fun coming out story, please and thank you.

**Artemis:** *breakdancing gently* What’s wrong, son?

**Kaldur:** I still have not come out to my father yet, and truthfully I am not looking forward to it.

**Raquel:** Haven’t you and Roy been dating for over a month now?

**Roy:** Yep.

**Dick:** And you’ve been sneaking around all this time?

**Kaldur:** I tell him that I am tutoring Roy in geometry.

**Artemis:** But you don’t take geometry

**Kaldur:** He doesn’t know that.

**Zatanna:** lemme guess, he’s one of those super homophobic religious guys?

**Kaldur:** Actually, not really?

**Kaldur:** When my neighbor Lori came out as a lesbian he bought her rainbow shoelaces.

**Artemis:** Then that’s good, right? At least you know he’s okay with it

**Kaldur:** Yes, but it is different when it’s your son who is coming out. Plus we aren’t that close anyway, so it’s scary not knowing how he is going to react.

**Dick:** Dang, I’m sorry man

**Dick:** Are you planning on coming out to him at all, or are you gonna wait until you graduate?

**Kaldur:** I am not sure.

**Kaldur:** My mother and my stepfather already know and they support me, so I feel like I owe it to my father to let him in on it. He is actually coming over for Easter, and my mom wanted me to invite Roy as well. Maybe I will tell him then.

**Megan:** We support you!!!!

**Megan:** And if he’s a jerk about it no sweat, we’ll beat him up for you behind Denny’s

**Artemis:** Why does it feel like the more time you spend with us the more corrupted your mind gets

**Megan:** Say That To My Face B*tch

**Zatanna:** nvm she’s still too innocent to curse

**Megan:** F*ck you I’m a bad kid

**Megan:** I’ll have you know that one time I ate an After Eight mint at 7:59

**Artemis:** Mhm

**Artemis:** And how much did you cry when you realized you were a minute early

**Megan:** Only for five minutes!

**Megan:** I’m a cold-blooded criminal I tell ya (ง'̀-'́)ง

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Young Just Us**

**Monday, March 25  
** **15:20 EST**

 

**Cassie:** [link sent]

**Cassie:** Just took a quiz on whether I would survive Thanos’ finger snap and guess who got spared!!

**Cassie:** I am officially more powerful than a raisin

**Bart:** took the quiz and died :’(

**Bart:** I miss myself already

**La'gaan:** well i lived, so that sucks for you i guess

**Jaime:** Dusted.

**Steph:** lived!

**Traci:** *slowly disintegrates* Motherf-

**Tim:** I got spared??? what the FUCK, Thanos

**Tim:** Why won’t the universe just let me die already? I have to do everything myself smh

**Jaime:** Are you okay there, ese?

**Tim:** not really, my dude (☞'‿ ')☞

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Tuesday, March 26  
** **14:16 EST**

 

**Conner:** to anyone who puts ice cubes in their cereal, i hope you have a terrible day

**Roy:** Hey, I do that. :/

**Conner:** did i stutter

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Megs**

**Tuesday, March 26  
** **23:58 EST**

 

**Dick:** Hey you’re not dead, right?

**Megs:**?

**Megs:** I don’t...think so?

**Dick:** Okay. Okay

**Dick:** Sorry just checking

**Dick:** Had to make sure

**Megs:** Are...you okay?

**Dick:** Fine

**Megs:** You sure? I could call you if you want to talk

**Dick:** …

**Dick:** Okay  
  


**[Incoming call from:** **_Megs_ ** **]  
**   


**[Call ended: 53:12]**

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Wednesday, March 27  
** **16:17 EST**

 

**Wally:** who would win in a fight, conner or a chinchilla

**Raquel:** Depends. How old is the chinchilla?

**Wally:** healthy adult

**Raquel:** Then definitely the chinchilla

**Dick:** I vote chinchilla

**Zatanna:** chinchillaaaa

**Roy:** Chinchilla, without a doubt.

**Megan:** Conner fighting a chinchilla would be like a kitten fighting a kangaroo with Conner as the kitten

**Megan:** No offense

**Conner:** none taken

**Conner:** that chinchilla would wipe the floor with me and afterwards i would congratulate him

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Kallie **

**Thursday, March 28  
** **02:29 EST**

 

**Wally:** why do we say something fits like a glove?

**Wally:** gloves can be the wrong size

**Kallie:** Go to sleep Wally.

**Wally:** but

**Kallie:** Shh go to sleep.

 

* * *

 

**Roy > Satan **

**Thursday, March 28  
** **13:06 EST**

 

**Roy:** Bi the way, I’m going to Kaldur’s house after school so we’re going to have to reschedule our bedazzled crop top fashion show for tomorrow.

**Satan:** Have fun sweaty! Make good choices  

**Roy:** This is why you have no friends.

**Satan:** Remember to use a condom!!

**Roy:** Stop.

**Satan:** Don’t want to get pregananant, you can’t handle a child

**Roy:** I’ve kept you alive for this long, so that’s gotta count for something.

**Satan:** Excuse you, I’m a grown up and can handle myself just fine

**Roy:** Didn’t you spend all of last weekend shrieking into a pillow because your favorite wrestler lost a match?

**Satan:** Excuse you Mr. I’m So Much More Mature Than You, my heels are bigger than your dick so your opinion is already irrelevant

**Roy:** Not gonna lie, that one stung.

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Conner **

**Thursday, March 28  
** **13:42 EST**

 

**Wally:** banana

**Conner:** banana who

**Wally:** knock knock

**Conner:** whos there

**Wally:** banana

**Conner:** banana who

**Wally:** knock knock

**Conner:** whos there

**Wally:** banana

**Conner:** banana who

**Wally:** knock knock

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Artemis **

**Thursday, March 28  
** **14:29 EST**

 

**Dick:** Wanna play I Spy?

**Artemis:** Hard pass

**Dick:** Well I spy a bad attitude

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Baywatch **

**Friday, March 29  
** **16:31 EST**

 

**Artemis:** 20 questions: Would you rather go on a romantic cruise with Lord Voldemort, a can of cat food, or Shrek

**Baywatch:** shrek duh next question

**Baywatch:** actually, hang on. how many questions is that do you think?

**Baywatch:** I feel like we haven’t played this in a bazillion years

**Artemis:** I have one left, and you have two

**Baywatch:** sweet

**Baywatch:** any particular reason you decided to keep playing now?

**Artemis:** Dunno

**Artemis:** Was bored

**Artemis:** Why, do you have something better to do?

**Baywatch:** bold of you to assume I know how to make plans

**Artemis:** Good answer

**Artemis:** Your turn

**Baywatch:** hmmmmm

**Baywatch:** when was the last time you laughed

**Artemis:** Last Tuesday

**Baywatch:** explain

**Artemis:** This new kid asked if the reason Mr. Palmer’s last name was Palmer was because he had sweaty hands. Fred Bugg I think it was

**Baywatch:** with two Gs?

**Artemis:** With two Gs

**Artemis:** If you were stranded on a deserted island with Dick and a chicken, who would you eat first

**Baywatch:** dick of course

**Baywatch:** he’d have the most protein

**Artemis:** But he’s so scrawny

**Artemis:** Your turn

**Baywatch:** actually...I think I’m gonna save mine

**Artemis:** You can’t do that

**Baywatch:** why not?

**Artemis:** Because that’s cheating

**Baywatch:** no it’s not

**Artemis:** Yes it is

**Baywatch:** no it’s not

**Artemis:** Yes it is

**Artemis:** What are you even saving it for?

**Baywatch:** dunno yet

**Artemis:** Come on, just ask me a question now and get it over with

**Baywatch:** nope. saving it

**Artemis:** You’re exhausting

**Baywatch:** thank you so much

**Baywatch:** hey if you’re still bored, wanna come over and play checkers? I have root beer and spongebob fruit snacks

**Artemis:** checkers and fruit snacks? You really know how to charm a girl, West

**Baywatch:** just for you arty ;)

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman **

**Saturday, March 30  
** **03:04 EST**

 

**Dick:** Are you awake?

**Dick:** Wally

**Dick:** WallyWallyWally

**Dick:** Seriously dude I’m not kidding please answer me I’m legit about to have an attack

**Dick:** WALLY  

**Wallman:** I’m here I’m here, I’m awake now

**Wallman:** it;s okay buddy just take a breath

**Wallman:** you okay?

**Dick:** Sorry. Just needed to make sure you were still there

**Wallman:** dreams again?

**Dick:** Yeah

**Dick:** Sorry I woke you up

**Dick:** I’ll let you go back to sleep. Just needed to make sure you weren’t. you know. dead or anything

**Wallman:** nah don’t worry, I’m up for good now so it’s fine

**Dick:** Sorry. My brain gets weird this time of year

**Wallman:** don’t apologize, I get it

**Wallman:** want to come over and watch cartoons?

**Dick:** Yes please

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Blondie **

**Saturday, March 30  
** **09:48 EST**

 

**Wally:** why did the bow insult the archer’s technique

**Blondie:** I’m going to regret this

**Blondie:** Why?

**Wally:** he was very ARROW-gant

**Wally:** :D

**Blondie:** That was the worst joke I’ve ever heard

**Wally:** you laughed, admit it

**Blondie:** Never

**Wally:** killjoy

**Wally:** that’s okay though, because I know you laughed even if you refuse to say it and that’s satisfaction enough for me

**Blondie:** Mút mông tôi

**Wally:** lucky for you I can’t read vietnamese, otherwise I’d insult you right back so HA

**Blondie:** Tàn nhang của bạn thực sự rất dễ thương, nhưng bạn không thể đọc được điều này vì vậy nó không thành vấn đề bởi vì bạn sẽ không bao giờ biết tôi đã nói điều đó

**Wally:** now you’re just rubbing it in

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Saturday, March 30  
** **16:18 EST**

 

**Roy:** [image sent]

**Roy:** Kaldur did my makeup and now I feel like a movie star.

**Zatanna:** so THAT’S how he does it

**Dick:** Oh my god?? Kaldur you never told me you have magical abilities

**Megan:** You look great, Roy!!!

**Roy:** Thanks. <3

**Artemis:** I can’t believe we are learning the secret to Kaldur’s contoured cheekbones and glowing skin

**Kaldur:** My mother taught me how to do makeup when I was thirteen.

**Zatanna:** kaldur, thou art a WIZARD

**Roy:** I feel so pretty.

**Dick:** KALDUR PLEASE DO MY MAKEUP I WANT TO BE PRETTY

**Megan:** Me too!!

**Dick:** Conner get in your car and pick me and Megs up, Kaldur get your palettes ready because we are COMING

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Saturday, March 30  
** **18:04 EST**

 

**Dick:** BEHOLD

**Dick:** [image sent]

**Dick:** I am fabulous

**Conner:** [image sent]

**Conner:** kal did eyeliner on me check it out

**Conner:** we slay

**Megan:** [image sent]

**Megan:** I feel cute :3c

**Roy:** [image sent]

**Roy:** It’s like I’m part of a really gay and majestic motorcycle gang.

**Kaldur:** You’re welcome. :)

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Conner **

**Sunday, March 31  
** **16:57 EST**

 

**Wally:** knock knock

**Conner:** whos there

**Wally:** orange

**Conner:** orange who

**Wally:** ORANGE you glad I didn’t say banana?

**Wally:** …...conner?

**Wally:** you still there pal?

 

* * *

 

**Conner > Wally **

**Sunday, March 31  
** **17:01 EST**

 

**_Block this number? [Yes] [No]_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Mút mông tôi:** "Suck my ass."
> 
> **Tàn nhang của bạn thực sự rất dễ thương, nhưng bạn không thể đọc được điều này vì vậy nó không thành vấn đề bởi vì bạn sẽ không bao giờ biết tôi đã nói điều đó:**   
> "Your freckles are really cute, but you can't read this so it doesn't matter because you'll never know I said it."


	18. Absolute Fools in April

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 18 chapters!!! This fic is officially old enough to vote.

**Group Chat: Young Just Us**

**Monday, April 1  
** **04:27 EST**

 

 **Steph:** i just learned that approximately 25% of the organisms on earth are beetles, so if that’s the case then that means four of us are actually just beetles in human suits

 **Steph:** impostors, please reveal yourselves now before extreme measures need to be taken

 **Jaime:** THEY’RE ONTO US BOYS.

 **Jaime:** *skitters back to my hive under your deck*

 

* * *

 

**Megan > Conner <3**

**Monday, April 1  
** **06:01 EST**

 

 **Megan:** I don’t like you…

 **Megan:** APRIL FOOLS!!!! :D

 **Megan:** I actually LOVE you!!!!

 **Conner <3: **aww that was really cute

 **Conner <3: **is this a sign that i should take down all the shrek faces i printed out and stuck to every photo in your house

 **Conner <3: **…...not that i did that or anything

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Monday, April 1  
** **08:38 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** new fun and sexy way to make people think ur weird: fill an empty mayo jar with vanilla pudding and eat it with a spoon

 **Conner:** i was wondering why you were doing that, but i figured it was just another new trend i missed out on

 **Roy:** What was the last one?

 **Conner:** mozzarella friendship bracelets

 **Roy:** I think you just hang out with weird people.

 **Artemis:** Mayonnaise pudding? That’s it? You need to step up your game, Zee

 **Artemis:** I replaced every stick in my friend Cam’s pack of gum with play-doh and he only realized it after the fourth one

 **Raquel:** See this is why I’m smarter than all you guys

 **Raquel:** I’ve locked myself in my basement with seven bags of gummy worms, enough caprisuns to last me the day, and my phone charger

 **Raquel:** Try and prank me now, fools

 **Megan:** Does your basement have a bathroom?

 **Raquel:** No

 **Megan:** Then what happens when you have to pee?

 **Raquel:** I’ve got that covered

 **Conner:**?

 **Conner:** how

 **Raquel:** :)

 **Roy:** Alrighty, new conversation topic!

 **Kaldur:** But I want to know the pee solution.

 **Roy:** A L R I G H T Y  N E W C O N V E R S A T I O N  T O P I C .

 **Roy:** You guys see any other cool pranks so far?

 **Wally:** my birth

 **Artemis:** My life

 **Megan:** My face

 **Conner:** kids could you lighten up a little?

 **Kaldur:** One person in orchestra wrapped Zari’s torso in plastic wrap when she fell asleep under the piano.

 **Megan:** What happened when she realized?

 **Kaldur:** Oh I don’t know. She hasn’t woken up yet.

 **Zatanna:** i didn’t know u were in orchestra

 **Kaldur:** Yes, I play the violin.

 **Zatanna:** can u play the devil went down to georgia?

 **Kaldur:** I don’t think so.

 **Zatanna:** then what’s the point?

 **Raquel:** I’m in orchestra too and lemme tell you, Kaldur is GOOD

 **Raquel:** He’s been playing so long, he doesn’t even get violin hickeys anymore

 **Roy:** Yeah, ‘cause not everyone fucks their violin like you do.

 **Raquel:** DOST THOU WANT TO GO, SIR?

 **Roy:** COMETH AT ME, BRO.  

 **Wally:** I can play the kazoo

 **Wally:** we should form a screamo band

 **Megan:** What will we call it?

 **Wally:** wally and the sluts™️

 **Wally:** I’m wally of course

 **Wally:** you guys can be my sluts

 **Zatanna:** i’ll join, but only if we do a cover of kaldur’s favorite song baby shark

 **Wally:** well duh, what am I an animal?

 **Megan:** BAY

 **Megan:** BEE

 **Megan:** SHARK DO DO DO DO DO DO BABY SHARK DO DO DO DO DO DO BABY SHARK DO DO DO DO DO DO

 **Raquel:** This is why I’m hiding in the basement today

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Dicktionary **

**Monday, April 1  
** **11:20 EST**

 

 **Wally:** hey buddy

 **Wally:** I called your house and alfred said you’re not up to getting out of bed

 **Wally:** which is totally okay, by the way

 **Wally:** however you’re feeling is okay

 **Wally:** listen, I know today’s a pretty sucky day with the anniversary of you-know-what and all, so I just wanted to remind you that I’m here for you if you need to talk or anything

 **Wally:** oh also you don’t need to respond to this; I just wanted to make sure you knew that

 **Wally:** call me when you can

 **Wally:** <3

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Baywatch **

**Monday, April 1  
** **12:36 EST**

 

 **Artemis:** Best ever April Fools Day pranks GO

 **Baywatch:** last year I put a life-sized cardboard cutout of luke perry in our bathroom and my aunt screamed so loud it cracked the mirror

 **Artemis:** I convinced my mailman that it was actually March 32nd because it was a leap year

 **Baywatch:** filled all the oreos in the cafeteria vending machine with toothpaste

 **Artemis:** Told my boyfriend that my real dad was actually John Cena

 **Baywatch:** ……..you have a boyfriend?

 **Artemis:** Ex

 **Artemis:** Ex-boyfriend

 **Baywatch:** oh

 **Baywatch:** good

 **Baywatch:** wait no

 **Baywatch:** I didn’t mean “good” as in “good,” I meant like “oh that’s cool that you don’t have a boyfriend because you're an independent woman who don’t need no man or person or anything” but like, not in a “you don’t deserve to date people way” I mean it in like a chill way becasue even if you were, like, dating someone that would be super duper okay with me

 **Baywatch:** actually why am I saying that it’s not even my business

 **Baywatch:** idk why i even thought about it, not that ive thought about it ive never thought about it ever i dont even think about thinking abpout it, it’s like you dating people hasnt even occured to me ever, not even right now i typed that withou teven thinking about it isnt that wild what a cool talent i have right hahaha

 **Artemis:** Um

 **Baywatch:** anyways who was your ex? not that I care or anything, you don’t even have to answer if you don’t want to that’s how little I care

 **Baywatch:** but also who was it

 **Artemis:** You know my friend Cameron Mahkent?

 **Baywatch:** THAT was your boyfriend????

 **Baywatch:** isn’t he on drugs?

 **Artemis:** Probably

 **Artemis:** We only dated for a couple months before we both got bored and decided to be friends instead

 **Baywatch:** wow

 **Baywatch:** didn’t see that coming

 **Artemis:** That I could stay friends with an ex? You know plenty of people do that right

 **Baywatch:** no, that someone could get bored with you

 **Baywatch:** wait that wasn’t supposed to send SHIUT

 **Artemis:** Is that supposed to be a compliment?

 **Baywatch:** plEase, you wish

 **Baywatch:** you’re just so hostile and annoying all the time, every conversation with you is an adventure

 **Artemis:** Have you dated anyone before?

 **Baywatch:** well, duh. I AM the wallman

 **Artemis:** How could I forget  

 **Baywatch:** but yeah, freshman year I dated this girl linda

 **Artemis:** Did you now

 **Artemis:** What was she like? Not that it matters

 **Baywatch:** she was fun and really cool to hang out with, but she moved to new york during the summer so we had to break it off

 **Baywatch:** we still talk sometimes, just as friends now

 **Artemis:** Who else?

 **Baywatch:** uhhhhh that was it

 **Artemis:** No really, who else

 **Baywatch:** no, really, there IS no one else

 **Artemis:** Seriously?

 **Baywatch:** yes?

 **Artemis:** Oh

 **Baywatch:** what?

 **Artemis:** I don't know. I just figured there would have been more

 **Baywatch:** awww why yes I am incredibly hot and charming thank you so much for noticing

 **Artemis:** Don’t flatter yourself

 **Artemis:** I just meant that you flirt around so much there must have been at least a dozen people you conned into taking pity on you

 **Baywatch:** sadly no, linda is the lone lucky duck

 **Baywatch:** and I don’t flirt THAT much

 **Artemis:** You asked the guy at the McDonald’s drive thru yesterday what he was wearing

 **Baywatch:** well excuse me for taking an interest in people’s attire?

 **Artemis:** You practically drooled over Megan for months

 **Baywatch:** okay well I never actually expected to get anywhere with megan in the first place so she doesn’t count

 **Artemis:** What does that even mean

 **Baywatch:** come on, everyone knew meg liked conner. and yeah she’s cute and makes good brownies, but I like being friends with her more now anyway

 **Artemis:** Are those the qualifications then?

 **Baywatch:** liking conner?

 **Artemis:** No dipshit, being cute and baking diabetes squares like the witch from hansel and gretel

 **Artemis:** You know, your “type” or whatever

 **Baywatch:** that’s a weird question

 **Artemis:** Fine then don’t answer it. I don’t care anyway  

 **Baywatch:** hey now I never said I didn’t want to answer

 **Baywatch:** because no, that’s not my type

 **Baywatch:** which is part of the reason I knew things wouldn’t work out with me and megs no matter what I did

 **Artemis:** Because she’s not your type

 **Baywatch:** romantically? not really

 **Artemis:** Then what IS your type?

 **Baywatch:** I can’t tell you that

 **Artemis:** Why not

 **Baywatch:** because you’ll make fun of me for being cheesy

 **Artemis:** What if I promise I won’t?

 **Baywatch:** you gotta pinkie swear

 **Artemis:** We’re on the phone

 **Baywatch:** then how about you tell me your type too, that way we’re both sworn to secrecy

 **Artemis:** I guess that’s fair

 **Artemis:** Now let’s hear about that dream person

 **Baywatch:** passionate

 **Artemis:** Ew?

 **Baywatch:** not like that, you perv

 **Baywatch:** I meant about stuff in general. someone who gets excited about what they like and doesn’t try to tone it down for someone else’s approval. someone who doesn’t care what other people think about them

 **Artemis:** That’s...specific

 **Baywatch:** fine then I’ll stop

 **Artemis:** I never said stop

 **Artemis:** So you don’t want someone boring?  

 **Baywatch:** would anyone?

 **Artemis:** I didn’t ask about anyone, did I

 **Baywatch:** they’ve also gotta be interesting

 **Artemis:** Like having a secret collection of creepy doll heads under their bed?

 **Baywatch:** like taking some time to understand. not being an open book

 **Baywatch:** I don’t want to know everything about them just by looking at them

 **Artemis:** Why not?

 **Baywatch:** because good things can’t come easily

 **Artemis:** So you want someone who’s difficult? That’s weird

 **Baywatch:** I never said difficult

 **Artemis:** Then what DID you say

 **Baywatch:** I dunno, there’s just gotta be some tension there, y’know?

 **Artemis:** Kinky

 **Baywatch:** no it’s not

 **Artemis:** Yes it really is

 **Baywatch:** stop kinkshaming me

 **Artemis:** Can’t help it. Kinkshaming you is my kink

 **Baywatch:** alright, now it’s your turn

 **Artemis:** No I changed my mind

 **Artemis:** This game is weird

 **Baywatch:** artemissssss come on

 **Baywatch:** I told you my stuff

 **Baywatch:** tell me about your dream hottie

 **Baywatch:** I’ll bet they’re blonde

 **Artemis:** Why blonde? I’M blonde

 **Baywatch:** you tell me

 **Artemis:** I’m actually into people with dark hair so choke

 **Baywatch:** AHA

 **Baywatch:** so you admit you have preferences

 **Artemis:** Put a cork in it Watson

 **Baywatch:** I’m sherlock and you know it

 **Baywatch:** so...dark haired folks?

 **Artemis:** Most of the time. Not always

 **Baywatch:** what else?

 **Artemis:** I don’t know

 **Artemis:** I guess I want someone who's funny

 **Baywatch:** but you never laugh unless someone is in pain 

 **Artemis:** Hence why it’s an achievement when someone makes me laugh for real

 **Artemis:** Bitch

 **Baywatch:** I make you laugh all the time, you just don’t admit it

 **Artemis:** You sure about that?

 **Baywatch:** very

 **Artemis:** Then I guess that would put you ahead on the list wouldn’t it

 **Baywatch:** think I’d have to dye my hair first

 **Artemis:** It’s a shame being a dorky hot mess isn’t on my list too

 **Baywatch:** aww you called me hot ;)

 **Artemis:** I also called you a mess

 **Baywatch:** don’t forget dork. that’s an extra trait than you gave your dream person

 **Artemis:** And what does that mean

 **Baywatch:** you tell me

 **Artemis:** You think that’s charming?

 **Baywatch:** that depends, do you think it’s charming?

 **Artemis:** I think…

 **Artemis:** I’m late for a science lab

 **Artemis:** See you at lunch

 **Baywatch:**...woah

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Ginger #2 **

**Monday, April 1  
** **13:16 EST**

 

 **Wally:** I feel like I just got whiplash

 **Wally:** [image sent]

 **Wally:** [image sent]

 **Wally:** [image sent]

 **Ginger #2:** Please stop sending me screenshots of you flirting with my sister thanks.

 **Wally:** IT WASN’T FLIRTING

 **Wally:** and she’s not even your sister

 **Ginger #2:** Says the government.

 **Wally:** okay but seriously, what just happened

 **Ginger #2:** To quote the great Wally West while he grossly flirted with Satan herself, “You tell me.”

 **Wally:** I think megan’s just getting in my head

 **Ginger #2:** Yeah, I’ve seen you with Megan in your head. Trust me. If there’s someone making a house in that big brain of yours, it’s definitely not Megan.

 **Wally:** what’s that supposed to mean

 **Ginger #2:** It means you might want to start looking at what’s right in front of your face.

 **Wally:** bold of you to assume I have a face

 **Wally:** and I’m not following you

 **Ginger #2:** Figure it out yourself, Sherlock.

 **Wally:** you’re a terrible friend

 **Ginger #2:** Yeah, but I’m a great Jedi master and that’s what matters.

 

* * *

 

**Tim > Big Bird **

**Monday, April 1  
** **14:37 EST**

 

 **Tim:** just so you know, I got your homework from your teachers so yeahhh

 **Tim:** Also Alf made cinnamon rolls so if you ever feel like coming out of your room i’d get them while they’re still hot

 **Tim:** ALso also I invented something today

 **Tim:** it’s like a jacket but instead of fabric there’s thumbtacks that adhere to your skin so it doesn’t blow off when it’s windy

 **Tim:** I call it “The Tim Jacket Of Power” and am planning on selling the prototype to hot topic

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Monday, April 1  
** **16:16 EST**

 

 **Conner:** all right, which one of you did it

 **Artemis:** Whomst?

 **Conner:** [image sent]

 **Wally:** jhgftdgfhjlk K O N

 **Zatanna:** good god it’s like looking into a funhouse mirror except instead of ur own reflection ur actually staring right into hell

 **Kaldur:** What are those? Are they floor tiles?

 **Conner:** coasters actually

 **Conner:** they arrived on my doorstep in a giant box a little while ago and it was horrifying

 **Conner:** my dog fear-peed on the rug when he saw them

 **Megan:** You have to admit, it takes a lot of skill to take a picture of someone mid-sneeze

 **Raquel:** Tbh I didn’t even know Conner COULD sneeze

 **Conner:** thank you

 **Conner:** but yeah, who sent them

 **Conner:** come forward prankster

 **Conner:** theres 150 of these things and i dont know what to do with them

 **Raquel:** Donate them to charity

 **Artemis:** Do you honestly think anyone would take 150 coasters of a teenage weirdo sneezing? It’s the same thing as taking home a haunted puppet

 **Artemis:** Cursed

 **Roy:** My guess is it was Dick who sent them.

 **Wally:** really? I would have thought it’d be kaldur

 **Kaldur:** Why me?

 **Wally:** because we already know dick is a chaos entity

 **Wally:** you could be a secret psychopath

 **Kaldur:** You know full well that I don’t send mail.

 **Megan:** Why not?

 **Kaldur:** I don’t trust mailmen to not turn their bones flaccid in order to slip through the mail slot and come after my family.

 **Zatanna:** oh! okay. okay this is normal 

 **Artemis:** Nah, my money’s on Dick too  

 **Artemis:** Only he would waste that much time and resources on a prank

 **Artemis:** Me? I’ve got a family to feed

 **Roy:** You’ve got a dead worm you “rescued” from a puddle and refuse to get rid of.

 **Artemis:** Like I said, I’ve got a family to feed

 **Artemis:** Everyone knows Dick’s family is rich, so they only eat stuff like caviar and diamonds and probably oompa loompas

 **Roy:** It’s true. I’m rich and I ate four oompa loompas this morning alone.

 **Artemis:** Speaking of, has anyone seen the little guy today? He wasn’t in school

 **Zatanna:** i tried calling him earlier to see if he wanted to hang out, but he wouldn’t answer

 **Raquel:** That’s...weird?  

 **Conner:** youd think dick would be a maniac today

 **Zatanna:** yeah, the guy’s like Pranks R Us on a normal day

 **Wally:** how DARE you speak of the dead like that

 **Wally:** (I’ll never forget u…...toys r us kids…..)

 **Artemis:** I brought a helmet to school because I knew he’d try to pull something, but he never did which is slightly disappointing because I drew a bunch of dicks on it for the occasion, and now all that hard work will have gone to waste

 **Zatanna:** weird

 **Wally:** I think he said he was gonna be in gotham today. his dad had a wayne enterprises thing and dick had to go with him. it was very last minute 

 **Kaldur:** Oh, well that’s good. I was worried it was something more serious.

 **Roy:** Yeah, nope. Just normal rich guy stuff. He’ll be in school tomorrow.

 **Conner:** so does that mean he didnt send the coasters?

 **Raquel:** Guess not, buddy

 **Megan:** I mean, he could have sent them in advance so they’d arrive today because he knew he wouldn’t be here to prank you himself  

 **Conner:** thats unnecessarily thorough, but okay

 **Conner:** so…..anyone want a coaster? since now ive got a few extras

 **Wally:** I’ll take 30

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Young Just Us**

**Monday, April 1  
** **23:11 EST**

 

 **Tim:** Life……………………...is like a seed

 **Cassie:** Explain

 **Tim:** Not real

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Young Just Us**

**Wednesday, April 3  
** **13:40 EST**

 

 **Jaime:** My dad took me for a driving lesson and when I was practicing parking he asked me if I was straight and I fucking laughed and finger gunned at him HELP.

 **Traci:** Lol oh my GOD Jaime

 **Steph:** i mean. DID  you park straight?

 **Jaime:** NO.

 **Jaime:** I SOMEHOW PARKED COMPLETELY SIDEWAYS AND RAN OVER A SODA CAN WHILE I WAS AT IT.

 

* * *

 

**Kaldur > The Coaster Guy **

**Wednesday, April 3  
** **17:02 EST**

 

 **Kaldur:** Sorry to bother you, but I just realized that on the receipt you gave me it charged an extra twelve dollars for something called “emotional and mental health cost”? May I ask what that is?

 **The Coaster Guy:** Of course. You see, when we were packaging the coasters to be shipped, one of my workers took one look at the contents of the box and was so overwhelmed with fear that he had a stroke and is now in therapy.

 **Kaldur:** Ah.

 **The Coaster Guy:** Your friend has the body of a greek god, but the sneeze of a rabid gorilla.


	19. 5318008 But Upside Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who saw Shazam yesterday!!! So for those of you who haven't watched that movie yet, PLEASE go see it as soon as physically possible because it was phenomenal. I'm trying to convince my parents to take my little brothers to see it that way I have an excuse to watch it a second time.

**Group Chat: Young Just Us**

**Sunday, April 7  
** **09:14 EST**

 

 **La’gaan:** soooo ive got a question

 **Traci:** What is it?

 **La’gaan:** so like…...arent all gay people supposed to be obsessed with fashion? because my cousin is gay and he got mad at me when i asked if he owned a boa scarf which i thought was a completely valid question

 **La’gaan:** so i dont understand why he got pissy about it

 **Cassie:** Probably because that’s kind of a stereotype?

 **Cassie:** It’s the same as saying that all blondes are dumb. Just because someone’s gay doesn’t mean they do every single thing stereotypically gay people do.

 **Tim:** bƏsiďes, ỉ’m pretty gáy and I čan’t drëss well at ãll

 **Steph:** what-

 **Steph:** what’s happening there

 **Tim:** trƴing sōmethinǧ nɛw

 **Steph:** well stop trying, you’re embarrassing yourself

 **Tim:** բưɔķ ÿøü

 **Tim:** I havǝ mađǝ thǝ ǝxǝcutĭvǝ dǝcisiōň that typiňg likǝ a rǝǧular pǝrson is akin to suŕřǝndǝring tổ thǝ Đrǝadǝd Nőrm, and I will bǝ damňǝd if I đarǝ bǝ cőnsidǝrǝd aňythinǧ remổtǝly ňőrmal

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Megalicious **

**Tuesday, April 9  
** **08:20 EST**

 

 **Wally:** you’re the yee to my haw

 **Megalicious:** I’m so sorry

 **Wally:**??

 **Wally:** for what?

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Tuesday, April 9  
** **08:24 EST**

 

 **Megan:** [image sent]

 **Megan:** Wally is a hillbilly confirmed

 **Wally:** *gasp* BETRAYAL!!!

 **Megan:** I said I was sorry  

 **Artemis:** Don’t you mean betray’all?

 **Zatanna:** HA

 **Dick:** Told ya Wally’s a closet hick

 **Dick:** See everyone? This is what happens when we don’t listen to Dickie

 **Dick:** We miss out on golden opportunities to drag the Wallman as a team

 **Wally:** just because I’m from kansas doesn’t mean I’m a hick

 **Artemis:** No, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what it means

 **Wally:** conner’s from kansas too and we don’t make fun of him!!

 **Kaldur:** Yes we do. Quite often.

 **Conner:** i would be offended if you didnt honestly

 **Raquel:** Wally, didn’t you say the other day that my outfit looked prettier than butter on a stack of wheat cakes?

 **Wally:** how dare you spill my secrets to these undeserving piranhas. that’s not friendship

 **Zatanna:** one time wally and i had a sleepover, and i swear to sweet baby jesus he has an accent when he’s tired

 **Wally:** (deceptionnn) AN OUTRAGE! (disgraaaace) FOR SHAME!

 **Megan:** I think I would make a good southerner

 **Megan:** I wear cute headbands and I know how to bake an apple pie

 **Dick:** Ah, but do you have the correct amount of homophobia and backwards thinking?

 **Megan:** You got me there

 **Raquel:** Actually my aunt’s from Kentucky and she’s a liberal so I mean

 **Raquel:** Stereotypes, you know

 **Dick:** Good point!

 **Dick:** I take it back. Megs, you can be as southern as you want because stereotypes are Bad and we don’t prejudize here

 **Roy:** That’s not a word.

 **Dick:** Sure it is

 **Wally:** I mean, that is true about the stereotyping and stuff, but I will say though that the reason my aunt and uncle had to move us to rhode island was because Some People had some Very Strong Opinions on who I am/how I choose to express myself and were Very Very Loud And Aggressive About It Even Though Literally No One Asked But Thanks For The Input Karen

 **Conner:** i guess it all depends on who youre around

 **Conner:** some people are just normal human beings, and some people are gross closed minded jerks and theres nothing you can do to avoid them completely

 **Conner:** all that you can do is make sure you surround yourself with the former rather than the latter as much as possible, and remember that not all stereotypes apply to everyone so its important that you dont judge someone before you know their story

 **Artemis:** Wow, that was...really deep, Conner

 **Conner:** thanks i got it from a fortune cookie

 **Conner:** my lucky numbers are 5318008

 **Zatanna:** slkdjskldk

 **Kaldur:** I don’t get it.

 **Zatanna:** turn ur phone upside down

 **Kaldur:** Ohhhhh.

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Ginger #2**

**Thursday, April 11  
** **15:06 EST**

 

 **Wally:** it’s a cold and it’s a broken jalapeño,,,

 **Ginger #2:** I wish I could return this text and get a refund.

 **Wally:** don’t forsake me just because ur afraid of the truth

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Friday, April 12  
** **07:12 EST**

 

 **Raquel:** [image sent]

 **Megan:** Awwwwwww <333

 **Dick:** they’re cuddlin

 **Conner:** thats adorable

 **Kaldur:** Raquel, where did you get this picture?

 **Kaldur:** Not that I mind of course, because Roy and I ARE incredibly cute.

 **Raquel:** Took it when you both fell asleep during the subway ride from the cheesecake factory

 **Conner:** hey megs, i think we need to up our cuteness levels

 **Conner:** theyre trying to be a cuter couple than us

 **Roy:** That’s because we already are.

 **Megan:** I beg your pardon?

 **Roy:** Then beg.

 **Megan:** Conner and I are SUPER cute! We hold hands like twice as much as you do

 **Conner:** yeah! check and mate

 **Roy:** Well Kaldur bought me a heart-shaped cookie this morning.

 **Conner:** megan knitted me a scarf

 **Roy:** Kaldur and I play bingo on Saturdays.

 **Megan:** Conner calls me sweetheart

 **Roy:** Kaldur calls me darling.

 **Megan:** CONNER CALLS ME BABY DOLL

 **Roy:** KALDUR CALLS ME HONEY BUNCH.

 **Raquel:** Calm down you actual fourth graders, let’s put it to a vote before you all kill each other

 **Roy:**...Oh yeah.

 **Conner:** thats one way to do it i guess

 **Raquel:** All in favor of Roy and Kaldur being the cutest couple in our squad?

 **Roy:** Aye.

 **Raquel:** You can’t vote for yourself

 **Roy:** Tyrant.

 **Dick:** Aye

 **Zatanna:** aye

 **Raquel:** Aye

 **Raquel:** Conner and Megan?

 **Dick:** ……………

 **Zatanna:** *crickets*

 **Megan:** That’s no fair! Wally and Artemis aren’t here and I KNOW they’d be on our side

 **Roy:** Where are those two, anyway?

 **Zatanna:** hmmmm ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Dick:** Can’t imagine what they could possibly be doing right now. Together. Alone ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Kaldur:** Artemis said they are studying together at the diner.

 **Zatanna:** “studying”

 **Kaldur:** Also.

 **Kaldur:** I am sorry to break it to you all, but Roy and I are actually not that romantic.

 **Roy:** Shhh yes we are.

 **Kaldur:** On our first date Roy asked me if I wanted to see something cool, and then he proceeded to burp the national anthem.

 **Roy:** Yet you stayed with me anyway, so I must have done something right.

 **Kaldur:** Yes, I will admit I was mildly impressed.

 **Roy:** See? I’m a stud. Sink, line, and hooker.

 **Dick:** Roy? I love you, but you’re an idiot

 **Raquel:** Is that a true story??

 **Roy:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Raquel:** Wow

 **Raquel:** I’m sorry, but men are gross and I’m ashamed to even be associated with you hooligans

 **Raquel:** This is why I signed up for lesbianism

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Bread**

**Saturday, April 13  
** **10:53 EST**

 

 **Crouton:** Sorry but uhhhh the best time to wear a striped sweater?

 **Crouton:** ALL the time??

 **Wonder Bread:** Cheers I’ll drink to that bro

 

* * *

 

**Tim > Big Bird **

**Saturday, April 13  
** **23:11 EST**

 

 **Tim:** Can I borrow all of your pillows & blankets? Pretty pleaze?

 **Big Bird:** I’m using them

 **Tim:** 4 wut

 **Big Bird:** Sleeping?

 **Tim:** Ew what is that

 **Tim:** Soundz like a diseaze

 **Tim:** Bart, Gar and i want to build a fort

 **Big Bird:** ………………..Fine, but only if I can join

 **Tim:** Bring snax

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Baywatch **

**Sunday, April 14  
** **06:44 EST**

 

 **Artemis:** Let’s say, hypothetically, that you died in a gruesome accident

 **Baywatch:** good morning to you too?

 **Artemis:** Sorry

 **Artemis:** Hi

 **Baywatch:** hi

 **Baywatch:** so…...I’m dead?

 **Artemis:** Yes

 **Baywatch:** a tragic loss, but okay

 **Artemis:** Your family and loved ones are setting up the funeral, and they’re going to the dead people store to order your headstone

 **Baywatch:** “the dead people store”

 **Artemis:** Hush

 **Baywatch:** yes ma’am

 **Artemis:** What would you want your headstone to say?

 **Baywatch:** ate ass, sucked dick, and sold drugs

 **Artemis:** That’s stupid

 **Baywatch:** a woman at the corner of 8th and 31st smoking a cigarette that isn’t lit anymore would be very offended

 **Artemis:** I’m serious. What would you want people to see every time they visited your grave at ye olde dusty, haunted cemetery?

 **Baywatch:** you planning on killing me, crock?

 **Artemis:** Just a healthy curiosity

 **Baywatch:** okay, then I guess it would have to be something inspirational. you know, like “keep running” or “enjoy the good times when they come”

 **Baywatch:** or that thing my uncle told me, something like “life is too short unless someone you love goes first”

 **Baywatch:** I wanna make people think

 **Baywatch:** that way everyone will spend way more time looking at my cool grave than all the other dead peoples’ and I’ll be super popular in the afterlife

 **Artemis:** How humble of you

 **Baywatch:** ikr

 **Baywatch:** what about you?

 **Artemis:** “I’ll be back.”

 **Baywatch:** charming

 **Baywatch:** come on, I gave you MY real answer

 **Artemis:** So did I

 **Baywatch:** did you?

 **Artemis:** I just don’t want a boring grave

 **Baywatch:** but what about the stuff that talks about who you were, all that cool shit

 **Artemis:** Fine, then I guess below that it can say “Beloved daughter/friend/sister/partner/etc.”

 **Artemis:** Happy?

 **Baywatch:** well yeah, except that stuff’s kind of a given

 **Baywatch:** I meant the special stuff

 **Artemis:** It literally says beloved, how much more special can it get?

 **Baywatch:** you know what I mean

 **Artemis:** Nope, sorry. Sticking to my answer

 **Baywatch:** why?

 **Artemis:** Because I’d want people to think I was loved

 **Baywatch:** *gasp* artemis crock, is that sentiment I hear? I never thought I’d see the day

 **Artemis:** You shut your hecking mouth

 **Baywatch:** but shouldn’t it be “know”? they won’t /think/ you were loved, they’ll know

 **Artemis:** Same thing

 **Baywatch:** is it though?

 **Artemis:** Look, I haven’t seen my mom or sister in years, and my dad kinda hates me so

 **Artemis:** Excuse me if I’m not really feeling the love

 **Baywatch:** Yeah, but you’ve also got a family who loves you a ton from what I can tell

 **Artemis:** Clearly you haven’t met my family

 **Baywatch:** I wasn’t talking about that one

 **Artemis:** Are you including yourself in that, then?

 **Baywatch:** do you want me to?

 **Artemis:**...Haven’t decided yet

 **Baywatch:** well let’s see

 **Baywatch:** according to the super official wallman dictionary which is definitely a real thing, family is the people who:

 **Baywatch:** 1) care about your wellbeing

 **Baywatch:** 2) will send you stupid memes at 3am when you’re feeling sad

 **Baywatch:** 3) have your back no matter what

 **Baywatch:** and

 **Baywatch:** 4) love you even when they hate you

 **Baywatch:** so going by this, I dunno. I like to think I’d qualify

 **Artemis:** Nice to know that you love me even though you also hate me

 **Baywatch:** well it should be obvious by now that I hate you

 **Artemis:** And the other part?

 **Baywatch:**...depends on how you look at it

 **Artemis:** Explain

 **Baywatch:** well, I love a lot of things. chemistry. sandwiches. lady gaga

 **Artemis:** Then on a rate from sandwiches to gaga, where would I fall?

 **Baywatch:** hmmmm

 **Baywatch:** cake

 **Baywatch:** you would be cake

 **Artemis:** Because I’m sweet? 

 **Baywatch:** because you’re artemis

 **Artemis:** From what I’ve seen, you really like cake

 **Baywatch:** yes I do

 **Artemis:** Good to know

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Dicktionary **

**Sunday, April 14  
** **17:32 EST**

 

 **Wally:** I need your help

 **Dicktionary:** Uh oh

 **Dicktionary:** Are you okay?

 **Wally:** yeah don’t worry everything’s fine, I just

 **Wally:** something weird’s been happening lately?

 **Dicktionary:** Weird like what?

 **Wally:** just a little while ago I was talking to artemis, and out of nowhere I started feeling all...weird and tingly?

 **Dicktionary:** Yeahhhhh I don’t know if I’m qualified to give you this particular talk

 **Wally:** not THAT kind of tingly

 **Wally:** little perv

 **Wally:** fuck how do I explain this

 **Wally:** okay so like, when I’m around artemis, I feel kind of nauseated? but also filled with butterflies? but also like I just took a whole ton of cocaine

 **Wally:** and when I’m talking to her, it feels as though we’re in a bubble or something

 **Wally:** the whole rest of the world is a million miles away, and nothing exists except for her and me and it makes me want to stay that way forever and never come back to reality ever again

 **Wally:** you know?

 **Dicktionary:** Wow

 **Dicktionary:** That’s...

 **Wally:** is it a brain tumor?

 **Dicktionary:** I’m no expert, but uh

 **Dicktionary:** I think that’s what loves feels like, my friend

 **Wally:** I’m sorry, that’s what what feels what

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Zee **

**Sunday, April 14  
** **17:55 EST**

 

 **Artemis:** For some reason, every time I talk to Wally lately my chest hurts and I feel sick and my heart pounds and my face gets red and I can’t think straight?

 **Artemis:** What a bitch I hate him

 **Zee:** wow, and u guys say i'm the clueless one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, during the part when it mentions Lady Gaga, when I typed that I thought, "Man I love Gaga, I should listen to Born This Way next that song's great" and the very second I thought that, the music playing on my phone, (which was set to shuffle), started to play Born This Way. 
> 
> So I'm not saying I have superpowers, but I have superpowers.


	20. Sneezy, Eggy, and Dummy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry about the late update, guys. My cat died very suddenly over the weekend, and it was pretty difficult so I wasn't up to writing anything for a while. But I'm back now with a new chapter, so yay.

**Dick Grayson has created the chat:** **_Get A Room_ **

**Monday, April 15  
** **17:51 EST**

 

**Dick Grayson has added Megan Morse to the conversation.**

**Dick Grayson has added Kaldur Durham to the conversation.**

**Dick Grayson has added Zatanna Zatara to the conversation.**

**Dick Grayson has added Raquel Ervin to the conversation.**

**Dick Grayson has added Conner Kent to the conversation.**

**Dick Grayson has added Roy Harper to the conversation.**

**Dick Grayson has set their nickname to** **_Sneezy._ **

**Sneezy:** We’re doing dwarves, people, so get your nicknames in order

**Megan:** I call Happy!!

**Megan Morse has set their nickname to** **_Happy._ **

**Conner:** i want to be dopey

**Conner Kent has set their nickname to** **_Dopey._ **

**Sneezy:** Interesting choice

**Dopey:** he has the most personality

**Dopey:** also i cant grow a beard either so i connect with him on a spiritual level

**Happy:** Roy, you’re definitely Grumpy

**Roy:** Why am I Grumpy???

**Zatanna:** because ur the angsty one

**Zatanna Zatara has set their nickname to** **_Doc._ **

**Roy:** Fine.

**Roy Harper has set their nickname to** **_Grumpy._ **

**Kaldur:** Who should I be?

**Doc:** hmmmmm

**Doc:** i’m thinking bashful?

**Sneezy:** Yeah, I can see that

**Kaldur Durham has set their nickname to** **_Bashful._ **

**Raquel:** YES I was hoping I’d get Sleepy

**Dopey:** why?

**Raquel:** He’s the most relatable of all the dwarves

**Raquel Ervin has set their nickname to** **_Sleepy._ **

**Sneezy:** Now that that’s settled,

**Sneezy:** WELCOME, GUYS GALS AND NONBINARY PALS

**Sneezy:** To the official Let’s Talk About Artemis And Wally’s Very Obvious Crushes On Each Other Because We Have No Lives Of Our Own group chat!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Grumpy:** Ah, the L.T.A.A.A.W.V.O.C.O.E.O.B.W.H.N.L.O.O.O.

**Sneezy:** Our office building is located between Denny’s and Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.

**Sleepy:** I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES IT THANK GOD

**Sleepy:** WALLART IS REAL, Y’ALL

**Grumpy:** Yesterday Artemis spent a solid hour complaining about how annoying Wally’s freckles and hair and voice and laugh were. I swear to god there was drool.

**Sneezy:** That’s it? PLEase

**Sneezy:** You don’t know hell until you’re stuck third-wheeling it with two people who claim they hate each other but spend the whole time ignoring you and debating about who’s better at paper football

**Happy:** Once I told Artemis she and Wally would make a cute couple, and she got so flustered she actually walked into a wall

**Doc:** these poor disaster babies

**Doc:** we should help them

**Sleepy:** Do what?

**Doc:** stop being dummies and smash before the sexual tension asphyxiates them both

**Sneezy:** Nice job spelling “asphyxiates” on the fly like that

**Doc:** thanks i googled it

**Happy:** Cool, we’ll set them up like in the parent trap

**Bashful:** I thought I was the parent.

**Grumpy:** Daddy?

**Bashful:** DO I LOOK LIKE—

**Doc:** roy calls kaldur daddy pass it on

**Grumpy:** That was a joke.

**Doc:** uh huh

**Doc:** anyways roy calls kaldur daddy pass it on

**Sneezy:** I think if anything, it’s the child trap

**Sneezy:** Because they’re acting like children

**Grumpy:** But child trap makes it sound kinda pedo so…

**Sneezy:** Good point

**Sneezy:** Alrighty, parent trap it is

**Happy:** Yay, I always wanted to be Lindsay Lohan!

**Happy:** Except for the meth part

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Wednesday, April 17  
** **10:38 EST**

 

**Raquel:** What do you think rosin tastes like?

**Conner:** whats rosin

**Raquel:** It’s the stuff you put on your bow

**Artemis:** Like a bow and arrows?

**Artemis:** Because I’ve never heard of that

**Megan:** I think she means a bowtie

**Raquel:** No I mean the kind that makes music

**Artemis:** You can make music with a bow and arrows? Wack

**Raquel:** You fucking goldfishes oh my GOD

**Raquel:** [image sent]

**Conner:** ohhhh that kind of bow

**Conner:** what about it?

**Raquel:** Rosin. The hard, sticky, tree-sappy stuff you put on the bow so it doesn’t screech like a rooster when you draw it across the string

**Raquel:** What do y’all think it tastes like

**Megan:** I think it would be like maple syrup

**Artemis:** How would you know? You don’t play an instrument

**Megan:** She wouldn’t ask if she didn’t want to hear an answer

**Artemis:** Yes she would, I do it all the time

**Artemis:** Speaking of which, what time is it?

**Megan:** Hang on let me check

**Artemis Crock has left the chat.**

**Megan:** I wish I could say I didn’t see that coming

**Kaldur:** I am just going to chime in here and tell you that rosin definitely does not taste like maple syrup.

**Kaldur:** But I won’t tell you how I know that.

**Conner:** um

**Raquel:** *concerned silence*

**Kaldur:** And despite what you might think, cork grease is not the same as chapstick.

**Raquel:** *concerned silence intensifies*

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Friday, April 19  
** **05:28 EST**

 

**Wally:** I have a very important question for you all

**Wally:** it’s a matter of life or death, so I require your most honestest answer

**Dick:** Haven’t we done this before?

**Artemis:** Honestest isn’t a word, kidiot

**Wally:** kidiot isn’t a word either, kidiot

**Artemis:** Yes it is, I just invented it

**Dick:** Seriously, hasn’t this happened before?

**Wally:** well I invented honestest so get off my ass

**Artemis:** I’ll stay on your ass all I want, it’s a free country

**Zatanna:** please stop ur weird flirt-fighting, jesus christ

**Zatanna:** wally, what do u want. u interrupted my morning david bowie karaoke session

**Wally:** yeah artemis, be quiet and listen to what I have to say

**Artemis:** Bite me

**Wally:** ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION FRIENDS

**Kaldur:** I know you’re not really yelling, so why does it still hurt my ears?

**Dick:** Okay, this has DEFINITELY happened before

**Zatanna:** what’s up wally?

**Wally:** I simply require answers

**Artemis:** “To get to the other side”

**Wally:** oh ho ho, I see we have a comedian here

**Wally:** back of the classroom

**Artemis:** But we’re not in a—

**Wally:** BACK OF THE CLASSROOM

**Artemis:** I HATE this fucking family!

**Wally:** anyways

**Wally:** how do you guys feel about cadbury eggs?

**Artemis:** Hate them

**Megan:** Love them

**Roy:** Disgustening.

**Dick:** Worse than dog food

**Zatanna:** u guys are all wrong, cadbury eggs are delicious

**Conner:** i consume nineteen a day

**Wally:** welp, turns out my only real friends here are conner, zee, and megan what a surprise

**Wally:** you three will get my money when I die

**Artemis:** What money

**Wally:** the money I’m gonna get when I sell you to the circus

**Wally:** gotta be worth at least five or six dollars I’ll bet

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman**

**Friday, April 19  
** **16:16 EST**

 

**Dick:** Mr. Stark?

**Dick:** I don’t feel so good…

**Wallman:** YOU SHUTT THE F U C K UP

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Young Just Us**

**Saturday, April 20  
** **09:03 EST**

 

**Steph:** does anyone wanna, like, marry me?

**La’gaan:** wow, only 15 and already getting proposed to

**La’gaan:** i knew my life would turn around some day

**Traci:** I’ll marry you but I have 2 be home by dark

**Bart:** I’m busy tonight, but I can probably marry you next week? of course I’ll have to divorce my husband john cena, but that’ll only take an afternoon if I play my cards right

**Jaime:** Can I ask why you’re proposing to us?

**Jaime:** I’m not ready for marriage, I could barely keep my fish alive for more than a few hours.

**Traci:** Did you put food in the tank?

**Jaime:** Actually I kept Señor Bitch in a cup of iced coffee.

**Tim:** ……….why

**Jaime:** Because I wanted him to get superpowers. Duh.

**Traci:** I really don’t know how to respond to that, so back to you Steph!

**Steph:** well ya see, folks

**Steph:** i asked my mom for a pet rattlesnake yesterday

**Steph:** but she said no??

**Steph:** can you believe that????

**Tim:** căn’t imaginǝ whÿ

**Steph:** however, she did say that once i’ve moved into my own house and gotten married i can get whatever poisonous animals i want

**Steph:** and i’ve already got a refrigerator box in the backyard, so all i need now is a spouse and i’m good to go

**La’gaan:** i totally would offer to help you out, but you see i dont really feel like it

**La’gaan:** also you make me nervous

**Steph:** it’s not my fault you can’t handle my wonderful personality

**Jaime:** You streaked across the field during a golf game last year while wearing a Freddy Krueger mask.

**Steph:** that was in protest

**Steph:** golf is stupid and no one should play it

**Steph:** but bACK to the matter at hand

**Steph:** marry me, you fools

**Bart:** I mean...I’m gay? so I’m out. and also I don’t really wanna

**Bart:** sorry

**Steph:** peasant

**Steph:** tim what about you

**Steph:** you’re my boyfriend anyway so i think you owe this to me

**Tim:**...

**Tim:** I ‘ m  s o r r y  w h a t

**Traci:** You guys are dating? That’s awesome!!

**Bart:** when did this happen????

**Tim:** I’m...nõt suře

**Tim:** Steph are we ďāťįńģ???

**Steph:** timmy, are

**Steph:** are you serious

**Tim:** what?

**Steph:** we’ve been dating for two months

**Tim:** ¿We have????

**Tim:** oh my GOD I can’t believe this

**Steph:** oh, do you...not like me?

**Steph:** because no offense, but you really should have told me that before we started dating

**Tim:** Holy shit no I’ve had a crush on you for months

**Tim:** Just????

**Tim:** Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner???? I could have been doing dating-person stuff this whole time and I wasn’t even İŊƑǑŔḾƎĐ?????

**Tim:** I need to update my facebook status oh my god

**Tim:** also can I borrow like five of your hoodies cuz I want to wear them that way people will know I’m in a relationship because I AM, apparently

**Tim:** this is ĄẄẾȘǑḾƎ i’ve never been someone’s boyfriend before

**Steph:** you don’t say

**Steph:** i just don’t understand how you’ve had no idea this entire time? i thought it was pretty clear 

**Steph:** like, do you just make out with ALL of your friends, or……..

**Tim:** I mean

**Tim:** you got me there

**Steph:** and i took you to meet my mom last week

**Tim:** That was a playdate. We watched star wars and played checkers

**Steph:** i introduced you as my boyfriend

**Tim:** well, yeah. I’m a boy and a friend aren’t I?

**Steph:** we held hands?? for several hours??

**Tim:** my hands were cold, I thought you were just being polite and keeping them safe

**Steph:** i sat on your LAP, ya noodle

**Tim:** it’s not my fault I’m comfortable and squishy

**Steph:** oh boy

**Steph:** hey tim, guess what!

**Steph:** we’re dating

**Tim:** I really wish you had told me that earlier

**Tim:** I could have done so much SCRAPBOOKING

**Tim:** hey wait, am I allowed to call you babe?

**Steph:** sure

**Tim:** ČØØĽĨŎ

**Tim:** wow, I’m really glad we’re dating because i was actually too scared to ask you out since you’re really pretty and I have anxiety, so this worked out well

**Tim:** oh my god wAIT A SECOND

**Tim:** does my family know about this???

**Steph:** i would assume so

**Tim:** And they never ČŌŊŚŮŁŤĒĎ me??? I am their ĆĦĨĻƊ, and they let me get into a relationship without even ŤǍĽƘỊŃĞ to me about it??

**Tim:** I’m ŞĦỢÇĶẾĎ

**Bart:** …..mazel tov?

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Bread**

**Saturday, April 20  
** **22:56 EST**

 

**Rye Bread:** COMING OUT OF MY CAGE AND I’VE BEEN DOING JUST FINE.

**Wonder Bread:** GOTTA GOTTA BE DOWN BECAUSE I WANT IT ALL

**Bagél:** IT STARTED OUT WITH A KISS, HOW DID IT END UP LIKE THIS

**Crouton:** IT WAS ONLY A KISS, IT WAS ONLY A KISS

**Rye Bread:** JEEEALOUSY, TURNING SAINTS INTOOO THE SEA.

**Wonder Bread:** SWIMMING THROUGH SICK LUUULLABIES, CHOKING ON YOUR AAALIBIS

**Bagél:** BUT IT’S JUST THE PRIIICE I PAY, DESTINY IS CAAALLING ME

**Crouton:** OPEN UP MY EEEEAGER EYESSSSS

**Crouton:** _‘CAUSE I’M MISTER BRIGHTSIDE_

**Rye Bread:** This. This is true friendship.

 

* * *

 

**Roy > Kaldur **

**Sunday, April 21  
** **06:30 EST**

 

**Roy:** You want me over at eight today, right?

**Kaldur:** Yes.

**Roy:** Okay, cool. And did you hear yet if you’re dad’s coming?

**Kaldur:** He is.

**Roy:** Are you going to do it?

**Kaldur:** I am not sure yet.

**Roy:** Well whatever you decide, just know that I support you and I’m gonna be right by your side.

**Kaldur:** Thank you. <3

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Blondie **

**Sunday, April 21  
** **07:32 EST**

 

**Wally:** you awake yet?

**Blondie:** Since sunrise

**Wally:** cool. hi

**Blondie:** Hi

**Blondie:** What’s up?

**Wally:** nothing, just wanted to say happy easter

**Blondie:** Oh yeah, almost forgot about that. Happy Easter

**Wally:** thanks

**Wally:** so...are you doing anything today?

**Blondie:** Cam and I were thinking about going hiking, but idk for sure yet. Why?

**Wally:** no reason

**Blondie:** Because it's not like, set plans or anything so if you wanted to...I don't know, hang out or anything

**Blondie:** That could be cool too

**Wally:** well actually...

**Blondie:** Yeah? 

**Wally:** um

**Wally:**....nevermind

**Wally:** yeah I'm

**Wally:** I'm gonna be busy today too

**Blondie:** Oh

**Blondie:** Okay

**Wally:** um, my aunt is calling me so I gotta go now but

**Wally:** I'll talk to you later?

**Blondie:** Yeah. Later

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Dicktionary **

**Sunday, April 21  
** **07:48 EST**

 

**Wally:** you know when you plan on doing something?

**Wally:** like you spend an hour gearing yourself up for it, planning out what you're gonna say and how you're gonna say it and even buying the chocolate bunnies and sparkling cider beforehand, and then you finally go to actually DO IT,

**Wally:** but at the last second you panic and don’t go through with it because it turns out you’re just a big coward, so now there’s nothing left for you to do but stress-eat chocolate bunnies in your room?

**Dicktionary:** Not really, no

**Wally:** I'm going to bury myself alive under the arc de triomphe

**Dicktionary:** No offense, but could you please just tell me about the situation you’re describing instead of dropping vague hints about it?

**Dicktionary:** Because I’m having a hard time keeping up here

**Wally:** it’s nothing, just

**Wally:** hnghghhhhhh

**Wally:** forget it

 

* * *

 

**Megan > Conner <3 **

**Sunday, April 21  
** **11:49 EST**

 

**Megan:** I love you………..bitch

**Megan:** I ain’t gonna never stop loving you………………...bitch

**Conner <3: **:’)

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Sunday, April 21  
** **13:20 EST**

 

**Kaldur:** So...I came out to my father today.

**Raquel:** That’s great!! How did it go?

**Raquel:** If he was an asshole we’ll just have Conner beat him up so don’t worry about it

**Conner:** i volunteer as tribute to defend you in battle kaldur

**Kaldur:** No no, actually it...went well?

**Kaldur:** Very well, in fact.

**Megan:** What happened?

**Kaldur:** Well we were all having brunch, and eventually I mustered the bravery to just come out and say it.

**Roy:** Bart would have been proud, you guys.

**Roy:** Kal said super loudly, right in the middle of the conversation, “Guess what, Roy is actually my boyfriend and also I was the one who broke your TV last year. Happy Easter.”

**Megan:** …...Kaldur

**Kaldur:** I figured why not get it all out at once?

**Wally:** kallie you’re iconic

**Dick:** Then what happened?

**Kaldur:** My dad said okay, and then he went back to eating his hashbrowns. And...that was it.

**Wally:** luckyyyyy

**Wally:** my dad punched me in the face, so like. kudos

**Kaldur:** Afterwards I asked him if he was really okay with me being bi, and he said that no matter what, I was his son and he loved me. So that was a pleasant surprise.

**Artemis:** Awww. I’m really happy for you, Kal

**Kaldur:** So am I. There’s a weight off my shoulders now and that’s pretty darn wild.

**Megan:** That warms my heart <33

**Kaldur:** I do regret telling him about the television, though. He made me pay for it.

**Wally:** rip

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Megs**

**Monday, April 22  
** **14:51 EST**

 

**Dick:** Ever wanted to know what a bald furby looks like?

**Megs:** ………...Please no

**Dick:** [image sent]

**Megs:** NO!!! DEAR GOD PUT IT BACK PUT IT B A C K

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Get A Room**

**Wednesday, April 24  
** **12:39 EST**

 

**Dopey:** *slides in with roller skates on a red carpet made of bubble wrap*

**Dopey:** something needs to be done about wally and artemis

**Sneezy:** What an entrance

**Dopey:** thank you

**Dopey:** but seriously. wally and artemis. the shenanigans needs to stop

**Happy:** Elaborate

**Dopey:** i invited them both over today to hang out, but they were just? so awkward?

**Dopey:** wally called artemis pretty at one point without meaning to, so he said “pretty UGLY haha thats totally what i meant” and part of my soul died

**Dopey:** but then when we were watching tv, they were sitting really close together on the couch? like...REALLY close together. and i dont think they even realized they were doing it

**Dopey:** i guess artemis noticed eventually because she got up really fast and said she had to go home to feed her dog and left

**Dopey:** and im like...90% sure she doesnt have a dog

**Dopey:** listen theyre in so deep and they dont even know it

**Sleepy:** I think it’s cute

**Sleepy:** They’re like school kids with crushes

**Sleepy:** But yes, I agree that they need to get over themselves and bang already

**Dopey:** i was thinking they should just go on a date, but okay

**Sneezy:** Don’t worry my beautiful dwarves, I got this

**Grumpy:** Uh oh, Dick is taking the initiative guys. This is gonna end badly.

**Sneezy:** SHut up you’ve trusted me this long haven’t you

**Bashful:** Bold of you to assume we’ve ever trusted you.

**Sneezy:** …

**Sneezy:** Ouch

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman **

**Wednesday, April 24  
** **12:54 EST**

 

**Dick:** Yo, are you busy on Friday? I’ve got tickets to Endgame, you in?

**Wallman:** HELL YEAH I’M IN LET’S GO

**Dick:** Cool beans

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Artemis **

**Wednesday, April 24  
** **12:57 EST**

 

**Dick:** Wanna come to the movies on Friday? I’ve got Endgame tickets

**Artemis:** That’s like asking me if I want to take my next breath

**Artemis:** FUCK YEAH

**Artemis:** I can’t wait to watch Ant Man go up Thanos’ ass

**Dick:** Noice

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Get A Room**

**Wednesday, April 24  
** **13:01 EST**

 

**Sneezy:** Mission accomplished

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Wally, this boy just can't ask out the love of his life someone save him.


	21. Endgame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: There are no actual Endgame spoilers whatsoever in this fic; I just think I'm funny.

**Barbara > Dick **

**Thursday, April 25  
** **10:39 EST**

 

**Barbara:** Howdy, wonder boy 

**Barbara:** Just letting you know that my plane is scheduled to arrive in Happy Harbor at noon-ish tomorrow, so if you’re not there to pick me up from the airport then I am actually going to start selling pictures of you to porn sites this time 

**Dick:** I should probably be offended, but that was a long-winded compliment in disguise so thanks 

**Dick:** And noted 

**Barbara:** What are we going to be doing for the next four days, exactly? 

**Barbara:** Aside from sitting in that one chair at that one place Adam Sandler sat in that one time 

**Dick:** Anything that you want tbh

**Dick:** Except for the movies, of course 

**Dick:** I’ve got morons in need and we can’t afford to ruin this for them 

**Barbara:** ?

**Barbara:** Waaaaait

**Barbara:** You’re scheming again, aren’t you 

**Dick:** Me? Scheme? I would never

**Barbara:** Uh huh 

**Barbara:** Let me guess. Wally and Artemis? 

**Dick:** :3c

**Barbara:** What did you do to them 

**Dick:** You’ll find out soon enough, curious monkey. The plan is being set in motion as we speak

**Barbara:** You do realize that if I were literally anyone else I would be absolutely terrified of you, right?

**Dick:** And that’s exactly why we’re perfect together 

**Barbara:** Down, boy 

**Barbara:** Wally is a bad influence on you I think 

**Dick:** Bold of you to assume I’m not the one who’s been influencing him all along 

**Dick:** The man once used the word “aster” on an english essay, and then argued with the teacher when he told him that it wasn’t a real word 

**Dick:** I am an unstoppable force of hullabaloo 

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Kallie **

**Thursday, April 25  
** **15:03 EST**

 

**Wally:** nnnnnnnn,,,, fuckety schmuckety?

**Kallie:** Please get out of my house. 

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Bread**

**Friday, April 26  
** **09:24 EST**

 

**Bagél:** I came here with the intention of asking a question, but now I come bearing the answer

**Rye Bread:** Answer to what?

**Bagél:** The Answer

**Rye Bread:** To?

**Bagél:** The™

**Bagél:** I have it 

**Wonder Bread:** But nobody asked a question? 

**Bagél:** and YET 

**Bagél:** I have it 

**Rye Bread:** Which is...?

**Bagél:** why the answer of course, weren’t you LISTENING you UNWISE and UNRULY piece of QUILTED FABRIC

**Rye Bread:** I won’t lie, that hurt my feelings somehow. 

**Crouton:** I vote Wally off the island 

**Crouton:** All in favor, throw whatever you’re holding at the nearest wall

**Wonder Bread:** But I’m outside 

**Crouton:** Then adapt. Improvise. Overcome. 

**Bagél:** don’t want to concern anyone, but I just heard something shatter in the classroom next to mine

**Rye Bread:** Not my fault I take pottery. 

**Crouton:** Wally, say your thing now or forever hold your peace

**Bagél:** fine

**Bagél:** I present to y’all, a revolutionary idea:

**Bagél:** we rename this chat……

**Bagél:** brad 

**Bagél:** DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

**Rye Bread:** Oh my fucking god you fucking genius this is FUCKENING IT what a QUALITY idea—

**Crouton:** Now I lowkey want to know what the original question was

**Bagél:** well I just wanted to know what time dick got the tickets for, but then I got distracted 

**Wonder Bread has renamed the group:** **_Brad_ **

**Crouton:** Not all heroes wear capes

**Wonder Bread:** Or pants

**Crouton:** What

**Wonder Bread:** What 

**Bagél:** what time is the movie?

**Wonder Bread:** Ohhh yeah

**Wonder Bread:** About that?

**Wonder Bread:** I’m not going

**Crouton:** Pussy 

**Bagél:** coward 

**Crouton:** Invertebrae 

**Bagél:** ?

**Crouton:** No spine 

**Bagél:** ah 

**Wonder Bread:** For your inFoRmaTiOn, Barbara’s in town for spring break so we’re going to be hanging out today 

**Wonder Bread:** Sorry nerds 

**Wonder Bread:** I’ll watch Endgame next week 

**Crouton:** *cough* WHIPPED *cough* 

**Bagél:** so we’re not going????

**Bagél:** way to go dick, I was looking forward to this 

**Wonder Bread:** Well……...

**Crouton:** Well?

**Wonder Bread:** I mean, just because I’m not seeing it doesn’t mean you guys can’t 

**Crouton:** You mean Wally and me? Just the two of us?

**Bagél:** ………….together?

**Wonder Bread:** Yeah 

**Rye Bread:** Or I could just take the extra ticket and go with you! :D 

**Wonder Bread:** Sorry I already ate the ticket so you can’t go oh well that’s a real convenient shame 

**Rye Bread:** I get no respcet from my freinsd. 

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Friday, April 26  
** **10:13 EST**

 

**Megan:** Are you a YMCA gay or a Take Me To Church gay 

**Raquel:** I’ll take choice C: a Dancing Queen gay 

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Spill The Tea Sis**

**Friday, April 26  
** **10:45 EST**

 

**One Black Coffee:** Hey guyz, so in my last video we did forty seconds of me screaming in confused and panicked agony, and guess what!! That status has not changed since!! 

**Chamomile:** be sure to SMASH that like button below

**Hot Chocolate:** Subscribe if you want to see more Wally-related angst, see ya later youtube

**One Black Coffee:** SHUT THE FUC KJ UP IT’S NOT ABOU UT WALLY 

**Hot Chocolate:** Suuure it’s not 

**Chamomile:** wait, what’s that i smell?

**Chamomile:** do u smell that rocky?

**Hot Chocolate:** Oh yes, it’s a very potent fragrance

**Chamomile:** i wonder what on earth it could be!

**Chamomile:** hmmm

**Hot Chocolate:** Wait a second… 

**Hot Chocolate:** Gasp! Could it be?

**Chamomile:** is that...DENIAL i detect??

**Hot Chocolate:** Goodness gracious, I wonder who could POSSIBLY be causing this aroma of denial and pheromones!

**Chamomile:** can’t imagine

**Hot Chocolate:** No idea

**Chamomile:** it’s a mystery 

**One Black Coffee:** Fuck you traitors 

 

* * *

 

**Megan > Wally**

**Friday, April 26  
** **10:49 EST**

 

**Megan:** :^) 

**Wally:** ...no 

**Megan:** :^)

**Wally:** stop it 

**Megan:** Hmm? :^)

**Megan:** Stop what? :^)

**Megan:** I am simply :^)

**Megan:** Living life :^)

**Megan:** Breathing air :^)

**Megan:** Enjoying the fresh flowers :^)

**Megan:** Oh look, here comes one now :^)

**Megan:** ✿ “!!!”

**Megan:** Oi, what’s that? What is she saying? What news does she have to share with us? Speak up my fine petaled friend, I shall translate with fairy magic!  

**Megan: （✿ ͡◕ ᴗ◕)つ━━✫・*。** **  
** **⊂       ノ 　　　・゜+.** **  
****しーーJ　　　°。+ *´¨)** **  
** **.· ´** **haev fun on yuor date binch** **☆´¨) ¸.·*¨)** **  
** **¸.·´ (¸.·’* (¸.·’* (¸.·’* (¸.·’* (¸.·’* *¨)**

**Wally:** corporate america will one day gnaw on your flesh like a hamster would a week-old head of lettuce, and I hope I am there when that day comes 

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Young Just Us**

**Friday, April 26  
** **15:07 EST**

 

**La’gaan:** i think…. my leg is broken?

**Cassie:** Huh. That’s unfortunate 

**Cassie:** I’ll send petunias 

**La’gaan:** yeah but see, i dont know if it really is broken or not

**Bart:** hmmmmmm

**Bart:** poke it 

**La’gaan:** okay 

**La’gaan:** ouch that hurt 

**Bart:** now I’m not great at math, but I think that means it’s broken 

**Jaime:** Could just be a sunburn though. 

**Cassie:** It’s night 

**Jaime:** Good point. 

**Cassie:** Hey La’gaan what does it look like 

**La’gaan:** well you know in geometry, how sometimes there are right angles?

**Bart:** yes 

**La’gaan:** thats what it looks like 

**Jaime:** Guess that means it’s broken then. 

**La’gaan:** huh 

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Blondie **

**Friday, April 26  
** **15:32 EST**

 

**Wally:** hey 

**Wally:** sooooo 

**Wally:** that was hella crazy today right? dick bailing on us I mean 

**Blondie:** Yeah, didn’t see that coming 

**Wally:** I mean, what did he expect us to do? just go together? 

**Blondie:** I know right? Like, why would we ever do that 

**Blondie:** It would be totally weird

**Wally:** TOTALLY weird 

**Blondie:** SUPER weird

**Wally:** INCREDIBLY weird 

**Blondie:** Well 

**Wally:** well?

**Blondie:** Maybe it’s not that weird

**Wally:** yeah no, of course not 

**Wally:** just a smidge weird

**Blondie:** Yeah. Tiny bit 

**Wally:** because it’s not like we’ve NEVER hung out one-on-one before 

**Blondie:** Exactly. It’s just that we both know that going to a dark movie theater and sitting right next to each other for three hours straight...you know 

**Wally:** yeah, definitely 

**Wally:** super weird 

**Blondie:** SUPER weird 

**Blondie:** And even if we did want to go—which we don’t because it would be weird—I’m sure the line would be a mile long 

**Wally:** and the popcorn would be outrageously overpriced

**Blondie:** And it would be really crowded

**Wally:** boy am I glad we’re not doing any of that, we’re the real winners here 

**Blondie:** Definitely 

**Wally:** definitely 

**Bondie:** DEFINITELY 

**Wally:** well, unless 

**Blondie:** Unless?

**Wally:** I mean. the tickets ARE already paid for,,,

**Blondie:**  That's true

**Blondie:** And I suppose it would be wasteful of us not to use them 

**Wally:** not to mention that it would be rude since dick went out of his way to buy them for us and all

**Blondie:** Not going would definitely compromise our souls

**Wally:** and we’re pretty good people I think 

**Blondie:** Best way to keep that status would be to

**Wally:** go to the movie together 

**Blondie:** As completely normal friends 

**Wally:** just two friends going to the movies

**Blondie:** Totally chill

**Wally:** yeah

**Artemis:** Yeah 

**Wally:** yeahh

**Blondie:** I’ll pick you up at 8:30 then ...pal

**Wally:** sure thing ...buddy 

**Blondie:** No problem at all...bro   
  


* * *

 

 

**Wally > Dicktionary**

**Friday, April 26  
** **19:21 EST**

 

**Wally:** I’M DYING, SCOOBERT 

**Dicktionary:** Oh hello Wally, how are you? :^)

**Wally:** NOT VERY WHELMED, SCOOB, NOT VERY WHELMED AT ALL 

**Wally:** (also stop hanging out with megan)

**Dicktionary:** Well that is awfully unfortunate :^)

**Dicktionary:** Care to explain the cause of your un-whelmed-ness? :^)

**Wally:** NO 

**Dicktionary:** What’s the problem? :^)

**Wally:** NOTHING 

**Wally:** I’M FINE AND DANDY 

**Wally:** TOTALLY NOT FREAKING OUT OVER ANYTHING 

**Wally:** AT ALL 

**Wally:** DOING JUST SWELL, CAPTAIN CRUNCH 

**Dicktionary:** Wait a minute, this can’t POSSIBLY be—*gasp!*—about you going out with Artemis tonight, can it? :^) :^) :^) 

**Wally:** SHJUT UP YOU MEDDLING MEDDLER I AM DISTRAUGHT HERE 

**Dicktionary:** Get traught or get dead, buddy  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Baywatch **

**Friday, April 26  
** **20:27 EST**

 

**Artemis:** I’m outside 

**Baywatch:** okay, be there in two seconds 

**Baywatch:** nice motorcycle by the way ;) 

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Dicktionary **

**Friday, April 26  
** **20:39 EST**

 

**Wally:** WE’RE AT THE THEATER NOW 

**Wally:** IS THIS A DATE????

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Zee**

**Friday, April 26  
** **20:44 EST**

 

**Artemis:** WE’RE TAKING OUR SEATS NOW 

**Artemis:** IS THIS A DATE??????

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Dicktionary **

**Friday, April 26  
** **20:48 EST**

 

**Wally:** IS THIS A  D A T E ??????????

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Zee**

**Friday, April 26  
** **20:51 EST**

 

**Artemis:** IS THIS A  D A T E ???????????????????????

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Dicktionary **

**Friday, April 26  
** **20:58 EST**

 

**Wally:** IS THIS 

**Wally:** A  

**Wally:** D A T E ??????????????????????????

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Friday, April 26  
** **23:16 EST**

 

**Raquel:** My head was hurting so I took four baby tylenols and everything is totalliy fine except now I can smell colors and I’m 90% sure there’s a ghost in the closet 

**Zatanna:** that’s just me freshman year shhh don’t disturb her 

**Raquel:** I’m gonan go kill it I’ve got a frying pan 

**Conner:** i think you need a vacuum according to the ghostbusters but go for it i guess 

**Raquel:** I’m openening the door now pray for me guys 

**Zatanna:** what a brave soul,, 

**Raquel:** Oh wait nvm

**Kaldur:** No ghost?

**Raquel:** Nah, it was just my plastic bag filled with several other plastic bags hanging from the doorknob 

**Conner:** close call though 

**Raquel:** ‘Twas 

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Saturday, April 27  
** **00:15 EST**

 

**Roy:** @Wally how was the movie?

**Zatanna:** artemis exists too, u know 

**Roy:** Whom?

**Wally:** Fuck you gingerbread man I’m gonna Beat You Up one day 

**Zatanna:** violent but valid 

**Wally:** Oh this is Artemis by the way 

**Wally:** I’m just using Wally’s phone 

**Zatanna:** oh? 

**Wally:** Wally is...coping 

**Megan:** Uh oh 

**Megan:** How is he holding up?

**Wally:** He cried into my shoulder all through the credits 

**Megan:** Poor baby :( 

**Wally:** Yeah it was hilarious, he was soHGKhjkgfhGXfckgvl ihduAR’P 

**Wally:** gfda0 28y lrkm,m4 s4

**Wally:** ffFfucky you artemis stop stealing my stuff 

**Wally:** and for the RECORD, I only cried through the first ten minutes of the credits so get your facts straight 

**Wally:** but yes, my soul is dead and my heart is pulverized and my life is over hel p

**Roy:** Wow, I can’t believe Wally West died in Endgame. 

 

* * *

 

**Megan > Wally **

**Saturday, April 27  
** **02:09 EST**

 

**Megan:** Well???

**Wally:** well……?

**Megan:** How did it go!!!!

**Wally:** I already told you in explicit detail and with cited evidence that the movie was fucking amazing 

**Megan:** Wally 

**Megan:** You know that’s not what I meant 

**Wally:** whoops sorry megs, I’m going into a tunnel we’ll have to talk more tomorrow byeeeeee 

**Megan:** You can run from me, but you can’t run from your feelings Wally~

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Baywatch**

**Saturday, April 27  
** **02:21 EST**

 

**Artemis:** Hey, so I forgot I was still wearing your track team jacket earlier

**Artemis:** I’ll stop by tomorrow morning and drop it off 

**Artemis:** Well actually it’s after midnight, so that would be...today morning I guess 

**Baywatch:** yeah that’s cool, you can return it whenever 

**Baywatch:** I mean 

**Baywatch:** unless 

**Artemis:** ?

**Baywatch:** well, I think I read or watched or...heard something? 

**Baywatch:** about a new sparta exhibit opening in the museum across town?

**Baywatch:** was thinking of trying it out 

**Baywatch:** maybe….we could both go and you can bring me my jacket then

**Artemis:** But you hate any history that takes place before the vikings 

**Baywatch:** yeah I do

**Baywatch:** but you don’t 

**Baywatch:** so....what do you say?

**Artemis:** ...

**Artemis:** All right, you got me. Let’s do it 

**Baywatch:** sweet 

**Baywatch:** then it’s a date 

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Megalicious**

**Saturday, April 27  
** **03:10 EST**

 

**Wally:**...I am so fucked 


	22. Invasion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Current status: My last two brain cells have fled the confines of my cranium and are now vacationing in Tahiti without me. Will provide further updates upon their return. Hopefully they bring me back a piña colada.

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Monday, April 29  
** **06:23 EST**

 

**Rudlak:** ARE YOU FUCKING  **_KIDDING ME????_ ** GOD CHRIST FUCKING MOTHER OF GOODNESS  **_GRACIOUS_ ** FUCKEN DAMN  **_FRICKIN_ ** MOTHERFU GOSH DARN DOODILY SHIT—

**Rennoc:** never thought id see the day when kaldur truly reached the end of his rope 

**Rennoc:** im just honored that i get to witness it 

**Rudlak:** AFTER ALL THE THINGS I HAVE DONE FOR YOU PEOPLE  **_GDO FUCKING—_ ** I AM THE REASON YOU ARE STILL ALIVE AND INHABIT THIS EARTH AND DO NOT EAT OUT OF DUMPSTERS. WALLY WOULD HAVE  **_DIED_ ** LAST WEEK HAD I NOT STEPPED IN WHILE YOU WERE ALL DARING HIM TO EAT THAT THREE-YEAR-OLD YOGURT AND NOW THIS!!  **_GOODNESS SHIT HECK!!_ **

**Dick:** I have accomplished something great today 

**Rudlak:** AND HAVE I ASKED FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN? HAVE I DEMANDED COMPENSATION FOR MY DEEDS? HAVE I CASHED IN ANY ONE OF THE MANY  **_HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GODDAMN HECK_ ** FAVORS AND BLOOD OATHS YOU ALL OWE ME TEN TIMES OVER? 

**Yor:** Messed up a perfectly good boyfriend is what you did.

**Yor:** Look at him, he’s got anxiety. 

**Rulak:** I AM  **_DISGUSTED!!!_ ** I AM  **_REVOLTED!!!_ ** I DEDICATE MY ENTIRE LIFE TO OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST, AND  **_THIS_ ** IS THE THANKS I GET??? 

**Simetra:** Dick I am going to fucking maim you 

**Dick:** Good luck climbing the tree to reach me, bitch 

**Nagem:** Nanny 911 to the rescue I guess smh 

**Nagem:** Kaldur, come to my house and have some kit kats 

**Rudlak:** THIS IS NOT  **_HECKENINGING_ ** OVER.

**Nagem:** I have Avatar the Last Airbender on blu-ray

**Rudlak:** ……………..

**Rudlak:** Okay. 

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Get A Room**

**Monday, April 29  
** **09:27 EST**

 

**Sneezy:** We’ve done it, fellas

**Sneezy:** The eagle is officially in the nest 

**Grumpy:** What?

**Sneezy:** The pie is in the oven 

**Grumpy:** Huh?

**Sneezy:** The toilet paper is on the ceiling

**Grumpy:** Pardon moi? 

**Sneezy:** Jesus fcking christ WALLY AND ARTEMIS WENT ON A DATE 

**Sneezy:** MISSION ACCOMPLISHED FRIENDS

**Grumpy:** Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.

**Grumpy:** You could have just said that. Drama queen.

**Happy:** So,,,

**Happy:** Does this mean they’re dating now?

**Sneezy:** Idk probably 

**Sneezy:** I’m just a kid I have no idea how relationships work 

**Doc:** i hope it does 

**Doc:** if i have to watch those two dance around each other any longer i’m actually going to start doing crack  

**Dopey:** from what i can tell, theyve been happy lately 

**Dopey:** as in. really happy 

**Dopey:** so if theyre not already dating, then from the look of things its only a matter of time until they are

**Sleepy:** Thankk god 

**Sleepy:** It’s about fucking time 

**Bashful:** Maybe now we can all finally get a life and stop pinning our future happiness on whether or not our friends fall in love with each other.

**Happy:** Eh...

**Doc:** yeahhhhhhh no 

**Doc:** i say next we go after mal and karen who’s in 

**Sneezy:** ME 

**Sleepy:** Join us Kal ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

**Bashful:** ....

**Grumpy:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Happy:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Dopey:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Bashful:** Fiiiiiiine. 

**Bashful:** I’ll buy the movie tickets…

**Sneezy:** Attaboy 

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Brad**

**Tuesday, April 30  
** **07:51 EST**

 

**Bagél:** *justin timberlake voice* IT’S GONNA BE MAY 

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Young Just Us**

**Friday, May 3  
** **14:09 EST**

 

**Bart:** klfPIjwgyvn  / /ggqu86636y63

**Bart:** jpqi wr hwciqg

**Bart:** ijdjjkjkjkjjjkkjkkjjjkkkkkkjkjjjk

**Bart:** gv

**Bart:** fiyi gjbcgjcgctuj

**Tim:** ...Ðo wé evện wañt tö knoẃ? 

**Traci:** Bart are you high 

**Jaime:** Of course not, we’re like. Seven years old. 

**Steph:** i think you’re off by a couple years there, buddy

**Bart:** fuck sorry guys 

**Traci:** Don’t do drugs please they’re bad 4 you 

**Bart:** what? 

**Bart:** oh no, that was just my baby sister 

**Bart:** left my phone alone for a second and dawn stole it and slobbered all over it 

**Cassie:** Hi Dawn!!! You’re doing amazing sweetie and I support you

**Bart:** :/ f u cassie

**Cassie:** She has messages to share with the world

**Tim:** Iṣ she evən alloẅed in here ťhouğh?

**Tim:** this is a Ğays Ōnly Ẓone, read the signs 

**Bart:** nah it’s cool, dawn’s gay so she gets a pass 

**Traci:** How can you tell?

**Bart:** feel the vibes

**Bart:** she has queer energy 

**Jaime:** She can’t even walk yet.

**Bart:** oh, does gayness suddenly require legs jaime? hm? is that it?

**Bart:** ya absolute fools. ya loons. ya rinky dinks. ya silly gooses 

**Traci:** Let her speak!!!

**Bart:** dawn say hi to the folks

**Bart:** tdfjp343tq hjtkjfkbfa;j

**Steph:** she's a poet. i would die for her 

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Get A Room**

**Sunday, May 5  
** **15:46 EST**

 

**Grumpy:** Behold!! 

**Grumpy:** [image sent]

**Grumpy:** A pair of gross dorks in love. 

**Doc:** dang that’s really really gay man

**Happy:** Awwww! It’s so great seeing Wally and Artemis like this instead of fighting like they used to 

**Grumpy:** Apparently they’re “studying for finals.”

**Grumpy:** I had no idea studying meant bringing all their shit to my place and sitting on the floor with Artemis' legs in his lap while they listen to the Bill Nye theme song on repeat and Wally draws flowers on her ankle with a highlighter.

**Bashful:** That’s one way to do romance I suppose.

**Grumpy:** No, see according to the gross dorks themselves, they’re just “hanging out.”

**Doc:** i’m sorry, but this is the least platonic thing i have seen in my entire life

**Grumpy:** Right???

**Dopey:** these poor idiots, theyre dating and dont even know it

**Bashful:** I’m sure they will figure it out eventually. 

**Doc:** mmmmmm i don’t know 

**Doc:** these are the same dorks who took like 7 months to figure out that they like each other 

**Doc:** at this rate, they won’t get married until they’re 60 bc they’re gonna assume the other just proposed to them as a friend

**Dopey:** bleak, but accurate

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Kon**

**Monday, May 6  
** **11:39 EST**

 

**Wally:** three words: water balloon assassination!!!

**Wally:** meet me and kal on the roof, we’re gonna throw them down at roy in a couple minutes when he gets to the courtyard 

**Wally:** it’s going to be awesome 

**Kon:** no thanks

**Wally:** you sure man? you usually love throwing things at unsuspecting innocents 

**Kon:** i said no wally, now leave me the fuck alone

**Wally:** oh 

**Wally:** okay

**Wally:** sorry

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Monday, May 6  
** **15:13 EST**

 

**Kaldur:** My emotional status: Standing shirtless in a dark kitchen, dissociating at 1:00 AM while eating an uncooked hot dog over a trash can.

**Dick:** ...You good buddy?

**Raquel:** He’s fine, he just lost at chess and is being a baby about it

**Kaldur:** THAT ROOK CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. 

 

* * *

 

**Megan > Conner <3**

**Monday, May 6  
** **17:39 EST**

 

**Megan:** Hey Conner? You doing okay?

**Conner <3: ** yeah. why?

**Megan:** You’ve been kind of moody all day

**Megan:** And you’ve been binging on marshmallows peeps since lunch 

**Megan:** It just seems like something might be bothering you 

**Conner <3: ** its nothing you need to worry about

**Megan:** But it is something, right? 

**Megan:** You don’t have to tell me if you really don’t want to, but if you do, I just want you to know that I’m willing to listen 

**Conner <3: ** its not even that big of a deal 

**Conner <3: ** just somebody in my math class

**Megan:** Did they say something to you? Who was it? 

**Conner <3: ** nobody important 

**Conner <3: ** and he didnt even really do anything, he was just asking about the pride pin on my jacket

**Megan:** ...

**Megan:** Tell me who it was. 

**Conner <3: ** megs no, it wasnt a homophobe or anything dont worry 

**Conner <3: ** he was just curious i think 

**Conner <3: ** he asked why i had it so i told him i was in gsa, then he asked if i was gay and when i said i was actually ace he wanted to know what that meant 

**Conner <3:** andwhen i explained it to him, he laughed and said that being asexual wasnt a real thing 

**Megan:** Oh honey…

**Conner <3: ** like i said its nothing 

**Megan:** It doesn’t sound like nothing 

**Megan:** Do you want to talk about it?

**Conner <3: ** theres nothing to talk about. it was just one asshole. so its fine

**Megan:** If it helps, I know it’s real. You know it’s real. Plenty of other people know it’s real and they all support you 

**Conner <3: ** yeah i know 

**Conner <3: ** it just pisses me off sometimes

**Conner <3: ** and i know it could be way worse so i should count myself lucky, but its hard to be proud of something when everyone just tells me its stupid or imaginary or me trying to be special 

**Megan:** They’re just ignorant. Only you can be the judge of how you feel, and if you feel asexual then Guess What Buddy

**Megan:** You’re asexual and that’s perfectly okay 

**Conner <3: ** is it really though?

**Conner <3: ** i mean, were dating 

**Conner <3: ** you of all people should have the right to have a problem with the way i am 

**Megan:** Why should I? As far as I’m concerned, you’re perfect the way you are and you can take that to the fucking bank, mister

**Conner <3: ** i wouldnt blame you though

**Conner <3: ** if you did have a problem with it, or if it made you get bored with me after awhile

**Conner <3: ** anyone else would be disappointed, so...ill understand if this is a dealbreaker down the line

**Megan:** Conner Kent. Stop talking like that, okay? You should know me well enough by now to know that I couldn't care less about that stuff. I love YOU, and I wouldn’t change a single detail about you ever

**Megan:** So deal with it homeboy, you’re stuck with me 

**Conner <3: ** i think that would have been a lot more tender if you hadnt called me homeboy

**Conner <3: ** but thanks. this...really helped

**Megan:** Good 

**Megan:** Now set up the blanket fort, I’m coming over and we’re having a marshmallow peep party just the two of us because fuck other people 

**Conner <3: ** okay

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Young Just Us**

**Friday, May 10  
** **11:11 EST**

 

**Steph:** oh my god i just found this website about saving the endangered green monkeys, please donate what you can and god bless you all hallelujah amen

**Steph:** [link sent]

**Cassie:** Did you really just fuckinj rickroll me in this day and age 

**Steph:** did you really just fall for a rickroll in this day and age?

**Cassie:** …………………….point

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Blondie**

**Friday, May 10  
** **12:51 EST**

 

**Wally:** I spy with my lil eye something long

**Blondie:** If this is some elaborate dirty joke I’m throwing another stapler at you 

**Wally:** hey hey calm your pretty face, this is a legit “i spy” session trust me 

**Wally:** I just got bored 

**Blondie:** Okay...is it a pencil?

**Wally:** no

**Blondie:** Is it on your side of the classroom or mine

**Wally:** mine 

**Blondie:** Is it that book you’ve got on your desk

**Wally:** no it’s not twilight: breaking dawn, the one when bella gives birth to a creepy monster baby and her imminent choice to either join the dark but seductive world of immortals or to pursue a fully human life has become the thread from which the fates of two tribes hangs

**Blondie:** Please stop talking about Twilight

**Wally:** edward cullen is batman pass it on

**Blondie:** What’s a Batman?

**Wally:** I

**Wally:** huh

**Wally:** I don’t know 

**Wally:** that was weird 

**Blondie:** Anyway is it Kaldur’s shoelaces

**Wally:** nope

**Blondie:** Gimme another hint

**Wally:** hmmmm

**Wally:** it’s soft 

**Blondie:** A blanket

**Wally:** nope

**Blondie:** My hair?

**Wally:** no

**Wally:** though that is long and very soft

**Blondie:** Moving on

**Wally:** rapunzel

**Wally:** rapunzertemis 

**Wally:** punzella

**Blondie:** Is it string

**Wally:** no 

**Blondie:** Backpack strap 

**Wally:** no

**Blondie:** Soft pencil 

**Wally:** noperoni

**Wally:** give up?

**Blondie:** Yeah

**Wally:** it’s the guy in front of me’s sideburns 

**Blondie:** Ah 

**Blondie:** How do you know they’re soft?

**Wally:** assumptions were made

**Blondie:** You should ask him if you can pet them that way we’ll know for sure whether valid data was used in this game

**Wally:** good idea

**Wally:** asking him now 

**Wally:** ...

**Wally:** he told me to fuck off

**Blondie:** How dare you Brion

**Wally:** what the fUCK brion

**Blondie:** Step the FUCK UP Brion

**Wally:** get it TOGETHER brion

**Blondie:** GodDAMN IT Brion

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Sunday, May 12  
** **16:16 EST**

 

**Conner has added Conner 2 to the conversation.**

**Conner has added Conner 3 to the conversation.**

**Conner has added Conner 4 to the conversation.**

**Dick:** *whispers* childrennn

**Megan:** You know that song It’s Raining Men? 

**Megan:** I finally understand what she’s talking about

**Raquel:** Connerpocalypse?

**Conner:** THERE ARE SPIES IN OUR MIDST COMRADES, I HAVE BEEN COMPROMISED! LAUNCH THE FIGHTERS! SEND REINFORCEMENTS! HIDE THE SILVERWARE! TELL MY GIRLFRIEND I LOVE—

**Conner 2 has removed Conner from the conversation.**

**Zatanna:** i cant believe conner fucking killed himself before our very eyes

**Conner 2:** Ğṛəəťǐǹǧş ħũḿằņș

**Conner 3:** so THIS is the mysterious group chat I keep hearing about

**Conner 4:** How quaint

**Conner 3:** it’s dusty and smells like goblins, what do you think cassie 

**Conner 4:** Feels like I just unlocked a new video game level 

**Conner 4:** I think I’ll enjoy my stay here in the promised land 

**Conner 3:** VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!

**Artemis:**  Time to abandon ship guys, we've been invaded

 **Artemis:** It was an honor serving with you all

 **Conner 2:** ATTENTION ALL COMMON FOLK!!!

**Conner 2:** we come in peace!!!

**Conner 2:** Also we’re hijacking your group chat because fuck you guys, secret secrets are no fun secret secrets hurt someone 

**Dick:** Oh no 

**Wally:** oh no 

**Kaldur:** Oh no.

**Roy:** *smashes through wall like the kool-aid man* OH YEAHHH

**Dick:** Tim get out, this is big kid zone 

**Conner 2:** our clubhouse now fuckers 

**Wally:** bart I fuckin KNEW you would do this, ever since I left my phone unattended that one time I knew you’d snoop, how dare you invade my house like this 

**Conner 3:** not my fault your phone password is really easy to guess

**Artemis:** Ooh what is it

**Wally:** DONT TLEL HER

**Conner 3:** catfoodbitch69

**Artemis:** I’m naming my dog that 

**Roy:** I can’t believe we’ve been invaded by a tribe of toddlers.

**Roy:** I’m embarrassed.

**Conner 4:** To be fair, it wasn’t that hard

**Conner 4:** I asked Conner if I could use his phone to call walmart because they sold me a bag of chips with too much air in it 

**Dick:** Conner is with me and he said fuck you

**Dick:** Damn he’s ranting now

**Dick:** Apparently he really hates untruthful chip companies who knew 

**Dick:** Also I regret teaching Timmy how to hack

**Conner 2:** if we were in star wars this is the part where i would like, cut off your arm and tell you that I’ve surpassed your skills and no longer need to be held back by your jedi ways 

**Dick:** Nvm guys he’s still a hopeless nerd we’re in the clear 

**Conner 4:** In our defense, you constructed a fake group chat and locked us freshmen away so we wouldn’t invade your space

**Conner 4:** I say we overthrow the clergy and take this land for our own 

**Conner 2:** this is a hostile takeover folks 

**Conner 3:** from this moment on, the youngest of us shall take charge and condemn all who question our rule 

**Artemis:** ...

**Artemis:** Kaldur exterminate them

**Conner 3:** NO PLEASE I HAVE THREE KIDS 

**Kaldur has removed Conner 3 from the conversation.**

**Conner 4:** WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED

**Kaldur has removed Conner 4 from the conversation.**

**Dick:** Any last words?

**Conner 2:** hmmmm

**Conner 2:** moist

**Megan:** Good choice  

**Conner 2:** Now let me die 

**Kaldur:** As you wish.

**Conner 2:** ah hh, the sweet embrace of death..

**Kaldur has removed Conner 2 from the conversation.**

**Wally:** kid’s got issues

**Dick:** Yeah we’re still working on that 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #  _“gjbcgjcgctuj” reblog if you agree_
> 
> (Also my best friend Julie came up with the idea for that last part with Tim, Bart, and Cassie and she’s a genius and I love her so credit where credit is due)


	23. Fear of Falling Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super cheesy and cliche Panic! at the Disco-inspired chapter title? In MY usually lighthearted fic? 
> 
> You're damn right it is.

**Wally > Blondie **

**Monday, May 13  
** **08:38 EST**

 

 **Wally:**...artemis? you there?

 

**_✔ Read at 08:38 AM._ **

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Blondie **

**Tuesday, May 14  
** **12:20 EST**

 

 **Wally:** come on artemis, please just talk to me

 

**_✔ Read at 12:20 PM._ **

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Blondie **

**Wednesday, May 15  
** **13:49 EST**

 

 **Wally:** look I’m sorry okay? I shouldn’t have said what I said

 **Wally:** but you can’t ignore me forever

 

**_✔ Read at 01:49 PM._ **

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Blondie**

**Wednesday, May 15  
** **14:21 EST**

 

 **Wally:** come on, I know you’re reading these

 **Wally:** just let me explain  

 **Wally:** I swear I didn’t mean it, I wasn’t thinking and

 **Blondie:** Fuck you Wally

 **Blondie:** Just stay the hell away from me

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Baywatch**

**Wednesday, May 15  
** **14:26 EST**

 

**_Block this number? [Yes] [No]_ **

 

**_. . ._ **

 

**_Number blocked._ **

 

* * *

 

**Roy > Ginger #1**

**Wednesday, May 15  
** **18:34 EST**

 

 **Roy:** Dude what the fuck happened???

 **Roy:** Artemis is seriously pissed at you right now. I’ve never seen her this angry before.

 **Roy:** She barged into my weekly bingo game at the teacher’s lounge and dragged me out with her badger claws, yelling about how you were such an asshole and how she lowkey wants you dead and stuff.

 **Roy:** What went down between you two?

 **Roy:**...Wally? You there?

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Dickie **

**Wednesday, May 15  
** **20:05 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** maybe she pushed him into a koi pond

 **Dickie:** Maybe he spoiled the ending to that book she was reading

 **Zatanna:** maybe he revealed that he lied about being best friends with her dead brother

 **Dickie:** Oh hang on for a sec, Raq won’t stop texting me

 **Zatanna:** here i’ll add her

**Zatanna has added Rocky to the conversation.**

**Rocky:** What the fuck HAPPENED???  
**Zatanna:** i know right??????

 **Rocky:** Is it aliens????? A secret lover in France????? A cheesy love triangle????????????????

 **Dickie:** MAYBE THEY’RE SECRET ASSASSINS AND WERE ORDERED TO KILL EACH OTHER

 **Zatanna:**!!!!!!

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Young Just Us**

**Friday, May 17  
** **11:48 EST**

 

 **Jaime:** Do plants have feelings?

 **Bart:** yes

 **La’gaan:** no

 **Tim:** No

 **Cassie:** Yes

 **Jaime:** See because I picked flowers for my mom, but now I feel bad for killing them and idk if I should hold a funeral or not.

 **Bart:** ooh i wanna go to a flower funeral

 **Steph:** ya know, apparently when the air smells good after you mow the lawn that’s because the grass sends out pheromones to the other grass nearby to warn them that they’re getting murdered and they should save themselves even though it’s futile and they’re already doomed

 **Bart:** D^:

 **Cassie:** Well that’s dark

 **Jaime:** Oh my god...

 **Jaime:** I have to leave.

 **Cassie:** Where are you going?

 **Jaime:** To dismantle my lawn mower.

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Get A Room**

**Friday, May 17  
** **14:08 EST**

 

 **Happy:** Can we talk about what happened please????

 **Happy:** Because something BAD went down and no one is telling me anything

 **Dopey:** yeah, every time i ask artemis or wally they just shut down on me

 **Bashful:** Has Wally said anything to you, Dick?

 **Sneezy:** Sorry, I’ve got nothing guys

 **Sleepy:** But I thought you two had a brain connection or something

 **Sneezy:** I know, I’m also shocked

 **Sneezy:** But he keeps saying he doesn’t want to get into it

 **Happy:** I hate it when my friends fight :(

 **Happy:** What can we do?

 **Grumpy:** I don’t think there’s anything we _can_ do.

 **Grumpy:** Have you seen them? All week they’ve both been icy as hell. I caught Artemis shooting arrows at a target with Wally’s face on it yesterday.

 **Sleepy:** Y i k e s

 **Bashful:** I’m sure they will work things out on their own.

 **Bashful:** Eventually.

 

* * *

 

**Conner > Artemis **

**Friday, May 17  
** **18:16 EST**

 

 **Conner:** hey

 **Artemis:** Hey

 **Conner:** so….do you want to talk about it?

 **Artemis:** No

 **Conner:** okay

 **Conner:** do you want to go someplace and sit on a bench for hours in total silence and not talk about our feelings?

 **Artemis:** Yes please

 **Conner:** cool lets go

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Saturday, May 18  
** **07:32 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** q e i w p r t o u l f s j a k d y h g m z x n b v c

 **Zatanna:** hot take: the alphabet doesn’t have to be in a specific order for any reason other than because someone told us to do it that way

 **Roy:** ………...Holy fucking shit.

 

* * *

 

**Megan > Wally **

**Monday, May 20  
** **14:24 EST**

 

 **Megan:** All right spill

 **Megan:** What in the world happened between you and Artemis??

 **Wally:** nothing, it’s fine

 **Megan:** Wally

 **Megan:** You haven’t spoken to each other in days and you’re miserable every time I see you

 **Megan:** What went wrong? I thought things were going so well between you guys

 **Wally:** they are

 **Wally:** were

 **Wally:** it’s complicated

 **Megan:** Then explain it to me

 **Megan:** A week ago you were head over heels for each other, and now it’s as if you’re right back where you started

 **Wally:** it was nothing

 **Wally:** just a stupid fight

 **Megan:** No offense, but don’t you two always fight? I thought that was, like, your thing

 **Wally:** yeah well. shit happens

 **Megan:** What was the fight about?

 **Wally:** doesn’t matter

 **Wally:** like you said, we always argue. we’re used to it by now

 **Wally:** it’s just...things got out of hand this time, and we said some things we shouldn’t have

 **Wally:** I said things I shouldn’t have

 **Wally:** I mean she did too of course, but…

 **Wally:** I don’t know

 **Megan:** Then apologize and make up? I don’t see what the problem is

 **Wally:** you kidding? no way

 **Wally:** I already screwed things up enough. I’m not going to go and make it worse for no reason

 **Megan:** But you like her, right?

 **Wally:** so?

 **Megan:** Everyone makes mistakes

 **Megan:** Everyone has those days

 **Wally:** don’t make me block you

 **Megan:** Sorry I couldn’t help myself

 **Megan:** But for real though, if you just say sorry for whatever went down and talk to each other like adults you can work on making things better

 **Wally:** why should I? there’s no point

 **Megan:** What is that supposed to mean?

 **Wally:** I mean everyone knew this wouldn’t work out anyway, right? it’s easier to let this be the end of it and move on

 **Megan:** Hang on, wait a second now

 **Megan:** What are you talking about? No one thinks that

 **Megan:** And you’ve been crushing on Artemis for MONTHS. What changed?

 **Wally:** nothing’s changed

 **Megan:** Clearly something has. I thought you wanted this

 **Megan:** You want to be with Artemis, right?

 **Wally:** yeah, I still want that

 **Megan:** Then why are you suddenly giving up?

 **Wally:** what, you think I WANT artemis to hate me?

 **Megan:** I know you don’t

 **Wally:** yeah well, sometimes things don’t work out. that’s just life

 **Megan:** Bullshit

 **Wally:** excuse me?

 **Megan:** That’s complete bullshit and you know it. Things aren’t just “not working out” on their own

 **Megan:** You’re giving up

 **Wally:** so what if I am?

 **Megan:** I know you’re afraid of taking a chance with Artemis, but you can’t keep sabotaging yourself every time you worry you’re going to mess up

 **Wally:** I’m not sabotaging myself

 **Megan:** -_-

 **Wally:** not….intentionally…..

 **Megan:** Just find her and apologize. It’s not that hard

 **Wally:** uh yes it is?

 **Megan:** How?

 **Wally:** come on, it’s artemis

 **Wally:** she’s perfect and tough and confident and everything I don’t deserve

 **Wally:** and I’m me

 **Wally:** she’s going to get sick of freckly, nerdy, anxious me, and it’s gonna suck when that happens

 **Wally:** but if it ends now before it can officially start, it’s easier

 **Wally:** like a band-aid

 **Megan:** Wally, no

 **Wally:** look, I’ve got homework to do. and honestly I don’t want to talk about this anymore

 **Megan:** Wally—

 **Wally:** I’ll talk to you later

**_Wally West is now offline._ **

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Brad**

**Sunday, May 19  
** **09:27 EST**

 

 **Wonder Bread:** [link sent]

 **Wonder Bread:** Who wants to read my Sonic x George Washington smut fanfiction?

 **Wonder Bread:**...

 **Wonder Bread:** Don’t everyone say yes at once there’s plenty to go around

 **Rye Bread:** Damn it’s quiet here now.

 **Wonder Bread:** Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumbass had better make up soon because this is getting old

 **Rye Bread:** Yeah.

 **Wonder Bread:** So….you gonna read my masterpiece?

 **Rye Bread:** God no.

 **Wonder Bread:** :’(

 **Wonder Bread:** i cr y ev erytiem  

 

* * *

 

**Steph > Timmy**

**Monday, May 20  
** **12:09 EST**

 

 **Steph:** can you please come with me to the gym tomorrow

 **Timmy:** sure, but why?

 **Steph:** because Fucking Helen doesn’t believe that i hit you in the face with a brick that one time so i need you to show her the scar

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Monday, May 20  
** **23:17 EST**

 

 **Conner:** [image sent]

 **Raquel:** Awwwwwww sleeping Megan is adorable

 **Conner:** right??? shes so fucking cute?????

 **Conner:** she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder and i havent moved in the past half hour because shes so precious i dont want to wake her up

 **Raquel:** Megan is too soft for this world. Like a really cute peanut

 **Conner:** she IS!!!

 **Zatanna:** yeah sorry conner, but ur not moving from that spot for a long time

 **Zatanna:** it’s like when a cat falls asleep on your lap. u have to appreciate that shit  

 **Conner:** UPDATE UPDATE

 **Conner:** SHE DID THIS LITTLE SNORE BUT IT WAS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A SQUEAK AND A SIGH HELP ME IM TRYING NOT TO CRY BC I DONT WANNA WAKE HER UP BUT SHES JUST SO CUTE

 **Roy:** Okay I’ll admit it, this is fucking adorable.

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty **

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **20:45 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** *banging pots and pans*

 **Zatanna:** wake up bitch it’s time to talk about our feelings!!

 **Arty:** Begone vermin

 **Zatanna:** come on, time to put on ur big girl pants and get ready to spout some truths

 **Arty:** Yeahh no thanks I’m good

 **Zatanna:** no ur not

 **Zatanna:** if anything, ur the exact opposite of good

 **Zatanna:** ur bad

 **Zatanna:** and that’s so much worse than good

 **Arty:** So?

 **Zatanna:** so ur going to talk about ur feelings and we are gonna Work Shit Out

 **Arty:** Everything’s fine. I don’t care about the Wally thing

 **Zatanna:** sure u don’t

 **Arty:** I don’t

 **Zatanna:** in that case, u should have no problem explaining it to me

 **Zatanna:** what the hell went down between u guys?

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **20:49 EST**

 

 **Wallman:** nothing, it’s fine

 **Dick:** Dude, you’ve been acting like a zombie lately

 **Dick:** I can see that this is killing you

 **Dick:** Just talk to me and we’ll figure this thing out together

 **Wallman:** god why is everyone so fucking hung up on this?

 **Wallman:** artemis and I weren’t even DATING

 **Wallman:** people get into fights. shit happens. sometimes things don’t fucking work out and it’s just easier to get out of it sooner rather than later

 **Dick:** Is it really easier? Because as far as I can tell, you’ve been doing nothing but moping around and feeling sorry for yourself

 **Dick:** Why can’t you just talk to her?

 **Wallman:** oh yeah, and what am I going to say?

 **Wallman:** “sorry I fucked up and was a gigantic asshole, I swear I didn’t mean it even though it’ll probably happen again because I’m an idiot and you’ll figure it out soon enough that I’m actually not worth your time because I’m a worthless piece of shit so we should probably end this now before someone gets hurt”?

 **Dick:** You know that’s not true

 **Wallman:** oh really? it happened already didn’t it?

 **Wallman:** megan was right. I ruin every good thing I have going for me

 **Wallman:** artemis hates me. my dad hated me. all of my friends think I’m a joke

 **Dick:** Nobody thinks you’re a joke

 **Wallman:** sure they don’t

 **Wallman:** I’m panicking so hard over the possibility of dating the girl I like and probably love that I went and sabotaged myself and broke her heart while I was at it, like a moron

 **Wallman:** if that’s not a joke then I don’t know what is

 **Dick:** You made a mistake. It happens

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **20:56 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** he made a mistake. it happens

 **Zatanna:** what’s important is that it can be fixed

 **Arty:** Maybe this a good thing, though

 **Zatanna:** what do u mean?

 **Arty:** I mean, it’s not like things were going to work out between us anyway

 **Zatanna:** shut up, u don’t know that

 **Arty:** Zee

 **Arty:** I can’t tell the guy I’ve been crushing on for months that I like him

 **Arty:** It took me YEARS of being friends with you just to get as close as we are now because I have no fucking idea how to trust that people aren’t going to walk out the second I get too comfortable

 **Arty:** Fucking Cameron and I broke up because I didn’t know how to be a normal person and date another human being without keeping them at arm’s length

 **Arty:** And you think Wally and I have a chance of working out?

 **Zatanna:** yes i do

 **Arty:** Well we don’t

 **Arty:** If anything, I’m doing him a favor

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:03 EST**

 

 **Wallman:** I’m doing her a favor

 **Wallman:** if she had to dump me later on she would feel guilty about it

 **Wallman:** this is easier on both of us

 **Dick:** You realize you’re sounding crazy, right?

 **Dick:** It was a stupid argument

 **Dick:** You and I have stupid arguments all the time and it’s never changed anything

 **Wallman:** yeah but that’s different

 **Wallman:** she’s different

 **Dick:** So you’re just—what—never going to try and make up? Ever?

 **Wallman:** why should I?

 **Dick:** Because you both fucking care about each other?

 **Dick:** And because you keep saying you don’t want to be an asshole, yet here you are, trying to explain to me that you would rather be enemies than take a risk on someone who likes you just as much as you like her

 **Wallman:** even if I did try to apologize, she’d never forgive me

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:11 EST**

 

 **Arty:** If he just apologized, he knows I would forgive him

 **Arty:** But why should he?

 **Arty:** I started the argument in the first place. It’s not his fault he finished it, and it’s not his fault that it’s better this way anyway

 **Arty:** At least if it’s on my own terms, it won’t be as bad as it would have been if I’d let myself get too attached

 **Zatanna:** so ur big plan is to ignore him forever?

 **Arty:** He’s going to be relieved, trust me

 **Arty:** He’s dodging a bullet

 **Zatanna:** i doubt he sees it that way

 **Arty:** It doesn’t matter how he sees it

 **Arty:** He’s going to find someone else in no time anyway

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman **

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:08 EST**

 

 **Wallman:** she’s going to find someone else in no time anyway

 **Wallman:** someone better

 **Dick:** You don’t know that

 **Dick:** And even so, would you be happy with that?

 **Wallman:** it doesn’t matter if I’m happy

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:10 EST**

 

 **Arty:** What matters is that he’s happy

 **Zatanna:** no, u mean what matters is that u won’t be

 **Arty:** What’s that supposed to mean?

 **Zatanna:** it means u won’t admit that ur scared to be happy

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:11 EST**

 

 **Wallman:** I’m not scared to be happy

 **Dick:** You’re certainly scared of something

 **Wallman:** fine, you really want the truth?

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:13 EST**

 

 **Arty:** I don’t fucking know how to let myself be happy

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman **

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:13 EST**

 

 **Wallman:** I don’t know how to let myself be happy

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:14 EST**

 

 **Arty:** I’m going to fuck it up sooner or later

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:14 EST**

 

 **Wallman:** and then what?

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:14 EST**

 

 **Arty:** Then we’ll BOTH be miserable

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:14 EST**

 

 **Wallman:** she deserves better than that

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:15 EST**

 

 **Arty:** He deserves better than that

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:15 EST**

 

 **Dick:** But do you?

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:15 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** is that fair to u?

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman **

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:16 EST**

 

 **Dick:** The only thing worse than taking a chance and losing anyway

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:16 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** is not taking a chance and regretting it after it’s already too late

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman **

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:17 EST**

 

 **Wallman:** then what am I supposed to do?

 

* * *

 

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:17 EST**

 

 **Arty:** What am I supposed to do? 

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:17 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:**  take a chance

 

* * *

 

 

**Dick > Wallman**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:17 EST**

 

 **Dick:** You take a fucking chance

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman **

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:18 EST**

 

 **Wallman:** and if I crash and burn anyway?

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:18 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** u won’t

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman **

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:18 EST**

 

 **Dick:** You won't

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:18 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** because i see the way u look at each other

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman **

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:18 EST**

 

 **Dick:** So get off your ass,

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty **

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:18 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** grow a pair,

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:18 EST**

 

 **Dick:** Quit feeling sorry for yourself,

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:18 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** and start letting urself be fucking happy

 

* * *

 

 

**Dick > Wallman**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:18 EST**

 

 **Wallman:** you say that like it's easy

 

* * *

 

 ******Zatanna > Arty**

 **Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:18 EST**

 

 **Arty:** You say that like it's easy

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:19 EST**

 

 **Dick:** It's not supposed to be easy

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:19 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** now stop standing in ur own way

 

* * *

 

 

**Dick > Wallman**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:19 EST**

 

 **Dick:** And tell her how you feel

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:19 EST**

 

 **Arty:**...Okay

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman **

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:19 EST**

 

 **Wallman:** okay

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Arty**

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:19 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** good

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman **

**Tuesday, May 21  
** **21:19 EST**

 

 **Dick:** Good

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	24. I Feel Gay In This Chili's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me like two weeks to update, guys. I could lie and say I was distracted by school stuff, seeing as I'm graduating high school in a few weeks, but let's be honest here. I just forgot. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Disclaimer: The convo between Tim and Bart was taken from the original Young Justice comics because I couldn't help myself.

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Wednesday, May 22  
** **11:29 EST**

 

**Raquel:** Who was your first gay crush, I’ll go first mine was Meg from Hercules

**Dick:** Mine was Chris Hemsworth 

**Roy:** Flynn Rider. He was a shexy man. 

**Kaldur:** My best friend Garth.

**Wally:** selena gomez 

**Megan:** The girl protagonist from Fifty Shades of Gray 

**Zatanna:** ಠ_ಠ

**Wally:** uh, megs?

**Megan:** I’m just kidding it was Kim Possible 

**Dick:** Oh thank fuck, I nearly had a heart attack

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Young Just Us**

**Wednesday, May 22  
** **14:31 EST**

 

**Tim:** if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would u pick?

**Bart:** well that’s easy

**Tim:** Oh yeah? Who?

**Bart:** living

**Tim:** …………..pârdõn më

**Bart:** I mean, who would want to have dinner with a dead guy? sitting there and rotting, with flies and maggots and….disGUSteninging

**Bart:** unless of course you’re like, on a diet and want to do something to kill your appetite

**Tim:** no you àctûãl înfəctęd hāngnăil, I meant some famous person like thomas jefferson

**Bart:** I thought he was dead

**Tim:** he is 

**Bart:** so what’s your point?

**Tim:** The point is, if Jefferson were alive, would you want to have dinner with him?

**Bart:** well sure

**Bart:** for one thing I’d wanna ask him why he’s not dead anymore 

**Tim:** oh my fucking god

**Tim:** you know what? I don’t know why I bother

**Bart:** me neither 

**Tim:** let’s just not talk about dead people for a while, okay? Jesus christ 

**Jason Todd has joined the conversation.**

**Jason:** hiya fuckers

**Tim:** …………………………

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Zee**

**Friday, May 24  
** **03:44 EST**

 

**Dick:** I have a proposal for you 

**Zee:** does it involve getting married in vegas?

**Dick:** Sadly no

**Zee:** darn 

**Dick:** But it does involve mischief

**Zee:** mischief, u say?

**Dick:** Yeppers 

**Zee:** in that case, i’m in

**Dick:** I haven’t even told you what it is yet

**Zee:** don’t care. i’m still in 

**Dick:** Perfect 

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Saturday, May 25  
** **08:20 EST**

 

**Wally:** someone predict how I die

**Raquel:** Running into a brick wall 

**Kaldur:** Leaving a candle unattended. 

**Roy:** Eaten alive by sharks. 

**Megan:** Parachuting without a parachute

**Conner:** burned at the stake 

**Dick:** Please, you fools are all incorrect

**Dick:** CLEARLY he’s just going to spontaneously evaporate

**Dick:** One minute you’re having a nice dinner with your relatives, and in the next you’ve been Thanos snapped 

**Wally:** dark, but honestly that sounds fun let’s do it

 

* * *

 

**Roy > Satan**

**Saturday, May 25  
** **10:09 EST**

 

**Roy:** Wally doesn’t have a date for the prom yet.

**Satan:** Hello to you too?

**Roy:** I thought you and Zee talked about this.

**Satan:** We did

**Roy:** So why haven’t you made peace with Wally yet?

**Satan:** Look I’m planning on it, okay? It’s on my to-do list 

**Satan:** Just...

**Satan:** I’m planning on it

**Roy:** If you want something, you can’t sit around and wait for it to happen. You gotta go out and make it happen yourself.

**Roy:** You can’t ignore him forever. 

**Satan:** Yes mister fortune cookie, I’ll get right on that 

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Megalicious**

**Saturday, May 25  
** **16:16 EST**

 

**Wally:** so I’m sitting there,

**Wally:** dysphoria all over my titties,

**Megalicious:** Oh boy 

**Megalicious:** Good story or bad story? 

**Wally:** good

**Megan:** Lay it on me then  

**Wally:** I was at the boardwalk in my binder earlier because it was hot as balls today, and some Shitty People were giving me nasty looks and whispering and pointing, so in my brain I was like “abort mission abort mission run run run” 

**Megalicious:** :( 

**Wally:** but then?? fuckin?? CAMERON MAHKENT of all people

**Wally:** comes up to me out of nowhere and is like “hey what’s up WALLMAN, great to see you BRO, we haven’t hung out in so long DUDE, MY MAN, BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER, etc etc” 

**Wally:** and after a minute the Shitty People stopped being shitty bc cam looked ready to bitchslap anyone who so much as looked at me the wrong way 

**Megalicious:** Wait, do you mean ARTEMIS’ friend Cameron? I thought the guy was a douchebag deluxe!

**Wally:** SO DID I UNTIL NOW!!!

**Wally:** turns out he’s pretty cool actually

**Wally:** smells like snoop dogg in a weed factory, but he does awesome looney toons impressions

**Wally:** we’re getting hot dogs tomorrow actually 

**Megalicious:** That’s great!

**Megalicious:** I will sic Conner on those mean people at the beach though, just say the word

**Megalicious:** I’ve got Connections

**Wally:** appreciated 

**Wally:** you know, it’s nice having another trans friend I can talk about this stuff with. nobody else actually Gets It 

**Megalicious:** Oh yeah trust me, I Get It 

**Megalicious:** We should get matching trans flag friendship bracelets

**Wally:** !!! 

**Wally:** megs you fucking GENIUS

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Dickie**

**Sunday, May 26  
** **04:23 EST**

 

**Zatanna:** is anyone else involved in The Heist besides us?

**Dickie:** Well Roy has plans Wednesday night because he’s an old man who likes to go midnight bird-watching. And Walls and Mis still aren’t talking to each other yet, so I figured it would be awkward to invite either of them 

**Zatanna:** those bungling clodhoppers

**Dickie:** Exactly 

**Zatanna:** it’s just the two of us then?

**Dickie:** Looks that way 

**Zatanna:** cool beans 

**Zatanna:** so...do u want me to bring glitter or spray paint

**Dickie:** Hmmmmmm

**Dickie:** Both

**Zatanna:** excellent

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Sunday, May 26  
** **13:54 EST**

 

**Dick:** [image sent]

**Dick:** Halloween candy??? In May??? 

**Dick:** D e l i c i o u s 

**Kaldur:** Please don’t eat tide pods. 

**Dick:** Please don’t tell me what to do

**Kaldur:** You’ll die.

**Dick:** I think your lack of support in my abilities is debilitating, and I will not let it weigh me down from reaching my dreams any longer 

**Roy:** I say let him eat them and deal with the consequences himself.

**Dick:** See? Thank you

**Dick:** Healthy snaccs

 

* * *

 

**Zatanna > Dickie**

**Wednesday, May 29  
** **23:03 EST**

 

**Zatanna:** i’m here and i brought bolt cutters

**Dickie:** And I’ve got the hula hoops and olive oil

**Zatanna:** meet me by the south entrance, and then u can pick the lock and get us inside 

**Dickie:** Ten four 

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Thursday, May 30  
** **00:32 EST**

 

**Dick:** @everyone HELP HELP HELP WE NEED ASSISTANCE!!!

**Zatanna:** @everyone 911 911 WEE WOO WEE WOO DANGER DANGER DANGER!!!!

**Raquel:** STOP BLOWING UP MY PHONE I’M TRYING TO SLEEP 

**Dick:** TOO BAD, WE’RE TRYING TO STAY ALIVE AND EVADE CAPTURE

**Dick:** @everyone SOMEONE COME HELP US 

**Artemis:** God fuck stop screaming it’s hurting my eyes 

**Zatanna:** sorry artemis

**Dick:** Sorry Artemis 

**Artemis:** Now 

**Artemis:** What did you guys do 

**Dick:** Um

**Zatanna:** well

**Dick:** We sort of broke into the school

**Zatanna:** and by “sort of” we mean we legit broke into the school 

**Dick:** And engaged in illegal fun activities

**Zatanna:** including but not limited to: painting loss.jpg on a locker, sledding on lunchroom trays, and playing twister in the principal’s office 

**Dick:** And now we can’t get out 

**Zatanna:** because SOMEONE left our lock-picking stuff outside

**Dick:** Yeah well, SOMEONE ELSE forgot to leave something to prop the door open

**Zatanna:** and now we’re stuck

**Dick:** Hopelessly stuck 

**Raquel:** …...

**Raquel:** That’s it I’m going back to sleep

**Dick:** GET BACK HERE COWARD

**Kaldur:** Why is it that every time I choose to answer this group chat in the middle of the night, someone is in grave, stupid danger? 

**Dick:** Uhhh global warming? 

**Kaldur:** P.S.—Roy sends his regards and hopes you get sentenced to the guillotine. 

**Zatanna:** ? 

**Dick:** I thought Roy said he had plans tonight

**Dick:** What’s he doing with you?

**Kaldur:** Um. 

**Kaldur:** Nothing. 

**Dick:** What do you—

**Dick:** OH

**Zatanna:** yeahhhhh i can’t get that image out of my brain now so thanks for that 

**Dick:** You guys are gross

**Dick:** Blehhghgghghg I need hand sanitizer just thinking about it

**Zatanna:** it’s like imagining ur parents right?

**Dick:** Yup

**Dick:** Icky 

**Kaldur:** ...Anyway, h ave fun figuring this problem out on your own. 

**Dick:** NO!!! COME SAVE US YOU HOE  

**Kaldur has left the conversation.**

**Zatanna:** …………….arty?

**Artemis:** Yes?

**Zatanna:** please

**Zatanna:** my dad will kill me if i get caught

**Dick:** All you gotta do is drive to the school, find our lockpick stuff, pick the lock, and then take us to Dairy Queen after because we’re scared children so now we need comfort

**Zatanna:** lots and lots of comfort

**Dick:** In the form of several flurries

**Artemis:** You guys owe me big time for this 

**Zatanna:** YAYYYYYY ARTEMIS IS COMING FOR US

**Dick:** WE’RE SAVED!!! :D 

**Artemis:** You’re paying for my flurry tho

**Dick:** Deal 

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Brad**

**Friday, May 31  
** **12:45 EST**

 

**Wonder Bread:** I just spent two hours teaching Bruce how to use Instagram

**Wonder Bread:** Why are all old people intrinsically Like That

**Crouton:** Please, you think that’s bad? My mom still doesn’t know what wifi is

**Bagél:** yeah well, my grandpa jay says davenport when he means couch, and I don’t know what the phuck a davenport is but I know it’s baloney 

**Bagél:** ...hi artemis

**Crouton:** Hi Wally

**Bagél:** sorry it’s been a while since we, y’know. talked, or

**Crouton:** Yeah, it’s been

**Crouton:** Yeah

**Bagél:** yeahh 

**Rye Bread:** …..

**Wonder Bread:** So can we like, dial down the awkwardness a lil bit or..?

**Wonder Bread:** Because this is getting uncomfortable  
  
**Bagél:** shut up dickwad

**Rye Bread:** Anyway, Kal and I got our suits for prom so let’s talk about that convenient change in topic now!

**Rye Bread:** Mine’s red and his is blue like Klance. 

**Wonder Bread:** Noice

**Wonder Bread:** Zatanna and I are sophomores, so instead of going to prom like all you curdled upperclassmen, we’re gonna spend the night watching Pokemon in the theater at my house with Bette and Donna

**Wonder Bread:** Because we’re cool people

**Rye Bread:** Wally? Artemis?

**Rye Bread:** What are your prom plans?

**Bagél:** uh

**Bagél:** don’t know yet 

**Bagél:** haven’t thought about it

**Crouton:** Yeah me neither, haven’t made any plans yet 

**Bagél:** wait you really haven’t?

**Crouton:** No, why?

**Bagél:** no reason 

**Wonder Bread:** Wow, I can’t believe neither of you has plans for prom yet! :^)

**Wonder Bread:** How interesting! :^) 

**Bagél:** shut up 

**Wonder Bread:** I have a solution for that, if you want :^)

**Crouton:** Whoops would you look at that, I have to go bye

**Crouton has left the conversation.**

**Bagél:** you have the subtlety of an attack helicopter

**Wonder Bread:** You do know what I’m thinking though, right?

**Bagél:** no shit, we all know what you’re thinking

**Bagél:** but the answer’s no 

**Wonder Bread:** From you, or from Artemis?

**Bagél:** both 

**Wonder Bread:** You’ll never know until you ask

**Wonder Bread:** We’ve been over this

**Bagél:** yeah, and I’ll get around to it

**Bagél:** just...give it some time

**Wonder Bread:** Okay, but don’t go and put it off until it’s too late

**Bagél:** yeah, yeah, thanks for the advice mom

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Blondie**

**Friday, May 31  
** **23:34 EST**

 

**Wally:** [image sent]

**Wally:** [image sent]

**Wally:** [image sent]

**Wally:** [image sent]

**Blondie:** What the hecc are these

**Wally:** [image sent]

**Wally:** apology memes

**Wally:** [image sent]

**Blondie:** Uh, thanks? 

**Wally:** [image sent]

**Blondie:** That one is just a picture of your elbow

**Wally:** an apology elbow

**Wally:**  I’m running out of memes 

**Blondie:** So...this is your apology?

**Wally:** yes?

**Blondie:** It’s not a very good one 

**Wally:** would it help if I threw rocks at your window and held a boombox over my head while singing the little einsteins theme song?

**Blondie:** Probably, but I don’t think you own a boombox

**Wally:** you got me there

**Wally:** I am sorry though  


**Wally:**  for everything

**Blondie:** Yeah

**Blondie:** Me too 

**Wally:** I’d say something cheesy like “let’s never fight again,” but I think we would just be kidding ourselves with that one huh

**Blondie:** Probably, yeah 

**Blondie:** But it’s okay

**Blondie:** It’s our thing

**Wally:** hell yeah it is

**Wally:** so...friends again?

**Blondie:** Do you want to be friends again?

**Wally:** I did just send you apology memes didn’t I

**Blondie:** That’s not what I meant 

**Wally:** oh

**Wally:** in that case...I don’t know 

**Blondie:** Me neither 

**Wally:** we could figure it out as we go, I guess? 

**Blondie:** That works 

**Wally:** cool 

**Wally:** ...would it help if I sent more memes

**Blondie:** Meme away 

**Wally:** nice

**Wally:** [image sent]

**Wally:** [image sent]

**Wally:** [image sent]

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Saturday, June 1  
** **06:00 EST**

 

**Dick:** HAPPY PRIDE MONTH, MOTHERFUCKERS

**Dick:** I FEEL VERY GAY ON THIS LOVELY MORNING AND I HOPE YOU DO AS WELL

**Dick:** GO OUT AND BE GAY AND EAT RAINBOWS, FELLOW QUEERS 

**Wally:** megs and I got trans friendship bracelets and also I have a bi flag cape so YEET 

**Zatanna:** fuck that, i’m going full rainbow today 

**Zatanna:** i’ll even dye my hair if i have to 

**Roy:** Best gay pun t-shirt of the day wins, GO. 

**Roy:** Mine says “I put the ‘bi’ in ‘bitch.’” 

**Conner:** “ace ace baby”

**Wally:** “let me be perfectly queer” 

**Zatanna:** “i consider myself pun-sexual”

**Megan:** “Assigned martian at birth”

**Dick:** “Baby I’m bi bi bi”

**Kaldur:** “I’m not gay, but my boyfriend is.”

**Artemis:** “Bisexual-whale” 

**Raquel:** “Finding homo”

**Roy:** I love my gay friends. 

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Ginger #2**

**Saturday, June 1  
** **16:47 EST**

 

**Wally:** I need you to do me a favor 

**Ginger #2:** What is it?

**Wally:** agree with everything I say right now so that I can’t talk myself out of this

**Ginger #2:** Okay.

**Wally:** tell me I’m brave

**Ginger #2:** You’re SUPER brave.

**Wally:** tell me I’m not a coward

**Ginger #2:** From one to ten, you would be a negative fifty thousand on the coward scale. 

**Wally:** tell me I’m worthy of being happy

**Ginger #2:** You fucking DESERVE to be happy. 

**Wally:** right?

**Ginger #2:** RIGHT. 

**Wally:** RIGHT 

**Ginger #2:** NOW GO ASK OUT ARTEMIS. 

**Wally:** YEAH 

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Ginger #2**

**Saturday, June 1  
** **17:13 EST**

 

**Wally:** hey roy?

**Ginger #2:** What?

**Wally:** I’m terrified

**Ginger #2:** God dammit. 

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Spill The Tea Sis**

**Saturday, June 1  
** **17:25 EST**

 

**Hot Chocolate:** I like my men the way I like my coffee

**Lemonade:** Black?

**Chamomile:** disappointing?

**One Black Coffee:** Keeping you up until 3am?

**Hot Chocolate:** I don’t like coffee

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Baywatch**

**Saturday, June 1  
** **20:12 EST**

 

**Baywatch is typing...**

**Baywatch is typing…**

**Baywatch is typing…**

**Artemis:** For the love of god Wally, whatever you have to say just spit it out already

**Baywatch:** oh, uh

**Baywatch:** hi 

**Baywatch:** sorry 

**Artemis:** What’s up?

**Baywatch:** I kind of have something to ask you

**Artemis:** Wow, uh 

**Artemis:** So do I, actually

**Baywatch:** you do?

**Baywatch:** what’s your question? 

**Artemis:** You can go first

**Baywatch:** no no, you go first 

**Artemis:** Mine’s not important, it’s just something about prom 

**Baywatch:** so is mine

**Artemis:** Is it...the same as my question?

**Baywatch:** I don’t know, is it?

**Artemis:** Look, just ask me yours and then we’ll KNOW if we’re both asking the same thing

**Baywatch:** yeah, but what if we’re both wrong and we just walked into a really awkward conversation 

**Artemis:** Pretty sure that’s not the case

**Baywatch:** you don’t know that

**Artemis:** What other question would I POSSIBLY have to ask you other than do you want to go to prom with me

**Baywatch:** AHA!

**Artemis:** Fuck wait—

**Baywatch:** you want to go to prom with me!!

**Artemis:** Shut up no I don’t 

**Baywatch:** that’s so sweet of you arty, I’m flattered <3 

**Artemis:** I’m guessing this means we were both thinking the same thing?

**Baywatch:** perhaps...

**Artemis:** You can’t not say it now, fucking coward

**Baywatch:** well see, I don’t have to ask anymore do I? you already did it

**Artemis:** No I didn’t, you were just being difficult

**Baywatch:** call it what you want. all I know is that you want to go to prom with me so I’m happy 

**Artemis:** No? If anything, YOU’RE the one going to prom with ME

**Baywatch:** what’s the difference?

**Artemis:** There’s a big difference

**Artemis:** I’m the one doing the asking, therefore it’s me who’s inviting you 

**Baywatch:** pretty sure it doesn’t work like that

**Artemis:** Yes it does 

**Baywatch:** but I wanted to ask you to go with me

**Artemis:** Too late, I’m going to ask you for real and then you’ll have to go with me so HA

**Baywatch:** not if I ask you first

**Artemis:** Doesn’t matter, I’ll say no and then you’ll HAVE to accept my invitation 

**Baywatch:** fine, then I’m saying no too

**Artemis:** You can’t do that

**Baywatch:** yes I can

**Artemis:** But then neither of us will be going so it’s kinda counterproductive

**Baywatch:** maybe you should accept my invite then

**Artemis:** Or maybe YOU should accept MY invite

**Baywatch:** sorry, not gonna happen

**Baywatch:** I wanna take you to prom

**Artemis:** But I wanna take YOU to prom, you literal thorn in my side

**Baywatch:** fine, then how about we just take each other to prom and call it a day 

**Artemis:** That’s stupid 

**Baywatch:** do you want to go or not?

**Artemis:** Duh 

**Baywatch:** BOOM you just accepted, no takebacks

**Artemis:** That doesn’t count and you know it 

**Baywatch:** it does in the eyes of the law

**Artemis:** But I get to ask you too, asshole 

**Baywatch:** then ask me

**Artemis:** Fine

**Baywatch:** …

**Baywatch:** you still there?

**Artemis:** SHUT UP I’M WORKIGN UP TO IT

**Artemis:** Wally.

**Artemis:** Will you go to prom with me?

**Baywatch:** hmmmmm

**Baywatch:** sorry, I think I’m busy that day

**Baywatch:** gonna be preoccupied with taking you to the prom

**Baywatch:** thanks for asking me, though :) 

**Artemis:** WALLY

**Baywatch:** okay okay

**Baywatch:** yes, I’ll go to prom with you

**Artemis:** Good

**Artemis:** I swear to god it’s like you WANT to drive me crazy 

**Baywatch:** come on, you like it

**Artemis:** Don’t push your luck, Raggedy-Ann

**Baywatch:** wow

**Baywatch:** never thought I’d miss hearing you call me ginger names <333

**Artemis:** Get used to it

**Baywatch:** is it bad that I’m looking forward to that? 

**Artemis:** Yes it is 

**Baywatch:** sweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you drop a comment, I will hitchhike all the way to your house and give you a fist bump.
> 
> PS:
> 
> # HAPPY
> 
> # PRIDE
> 
> # MONTH
> 
> # MY
> 
> # FELLOW
> 
> # GAYS
> 
> # !!!!!


	25. Get Turnt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sick as a dog today, so how I managed to write all of this is a complete mystery, but here it is!! The beginning of the end!!

**Wally > Kon **

**Sunday, June 2  
** **04:04 EST**

 

**Wally:** eerybody mash the potato, but nobod ever wanna sma sh the potato..

**Kon:** …

**Kon:** its 4am

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Monday, June 3  
** **11:45 EST**

 

**Dick:** Back in the closet back in the closet, yippee aye kay yay!

**Artemis:** What does this even mean 

**Dick:** It means I’m in the closet

**Dick:** _ Imbecile _

**Wally:** in a gay way?

**Dick:** In a literal way

**Artemis:** ?

**Dick:** I filled Mr. al Ghul’s thermos with gushers juice

**Megan:** Why?

**Dick:** Wanted To Do Crime

**Dick:** Also he told me my dad was a slut, so

**Dick:** I mean like yeah it’s true, but you shouldn’t say it

**Wally:** sdfghjklkjhgfd

**Dick:** Plus I did him a favor 

**Dick:** All al Ghul drinks is black coffee, which is Yucky 

**Dick:** Whereas gushers are a delicious snacc and he should be grateful 

**Kaldur:** What does this have to do with you being in a closet?

**Dick:** Oh yeah

**Dick:** He figured out pretty quick that it was me who poisoned him, so he sent security after me

**Dick:** Now I’m hiding in the janitor’s closet with my two new best friends Moppy and Half-Used Toilet Paper Roll

**Artemis:** Can I come too?

**Artemis:** I don’t want to go to gym 

**Dick:** Fine, but make sure you knock seven times before entering, and the password is fre sha vaca do

 

* * *

 

 

**Conner > Megan**

**Monday, June 3  
** **13:56 EST**

 

**Conner:** what do you think we should do after prom?

**Megan:** Hmmmm I don’t know :/c

**Megan:** What do you want to do?

**Conner:** dont know

**Conner:** ive never been to a school dance before 

**Megan:** Artemis and Wally said they’re going to an arcade, and Roy and Kaldur are going to the aquarium

**Megan:** The aquarium might be fun, why don’t we join them?

**Conner:** cant, im banned from that place

**Megan:** ?? 

**Megan:** What did you do?

**Conner:** i broke into the seahorse tank once

**Megan:** Why?????

**Conner:** they looked sad and i wanted to rescue them 

**Conner:** what about raquel? we can tag along on her plans

**Megan:** She and her date are going into the woods to hunt cryptids

**Conner:** we have strange friends

**Megan:** The strangest 

**Conner:** alright alright, how about we both describe our ideal prom afterparty, and then we can try to find an idea thats sort of in the middle 

**Megan:** Good idea

**Megan:** Personally, I want to be outside

**Megan:** And I don’t want to be all hot and sweaty, so I’m up for any place that’s by water

**Megan:** And it’s gotta be cute and romantic because I’m a slut for that 

**Megan:** What about you?

**Conner:** well im very up for it being outside 

**Conner:** also if wolf could come that would be pretty fucking neat

**Megan:** So it has to be somewhere that’s outdoors, swimmable, naturally romantic, and accepting of the occasional wild animal

**Megan:** Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

**Conner:** yup

**Megan:** ROMANTIC WALK ON THE BEACH!!!!

**Conner:** SWAMP ADVENTURE!!!!!

**Megan:** What 

**Conner:** what

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Timmy**

**Wednesday, June 5  
** **02:30 EST**

 

**Dick:** For the love of god Tim PLEASE go to sleep, it’s been two days 

**Timmy:** Slëëp îs før thê wëâk

**Dick:** You’re being an idiot

**Dick:** Don’t make me tell Alfred to drug you again

**Timmy:** Trŷ ǐt bïťcħ

**Timmy:** Ĩ hàvĕ thė pôwęr ŏf gōd āñd ånĩmê øn mÿ sĭdĕ

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Dicktionary**

**Thursday, June 6  
** **09:31 EST**

 

**Wally:** clown fucker says what

**Dicktionary:** What? 

**Dicktionary:** Wait shit fUck 

**Wally:** HEHEHEHEH I GOT YOU I GOT YOU I GOT YOU SUCK IT

**Dicktionary:** You absolute buffoon, you know full well that if I ever saw a clown in real life I would punch it in the dick and run away

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Thursday, June 6  
** **15:27 EST**

 

**Raquel:** Help I need an opinion

**Megan:** You quote the Wonder Pets too often

**Zatanna:** ur too tall and beautiful and it makes others feel self-conscious

**Dick:** Your spinach puffs aren’t as good as you think they are

**Raquel:** I MEANT ON MY PORTFOLIO INTRO YOU FUCKIN SCHMUCKS

**Roy:** Oh.

**Roy:** Our bad.

**Zatanna:** portfolio for what?

**Raquel:** I’m applying for this super prestigious early-acceptance writing program at Ivy University, and I need to construct a portfolio to send to the people there

**Raquel:** I need y’all’s opinions on my intro

**Dick:** I’m all ears

**Raquel:** Okay, here’s what I have so far:

**Raquel:** “Howdy folks, and welcome to my gosh-diddly-darn junior portfolio extravaganza. Every work in this folder is trademarked by Satan, so use caution. I implore you to read further and examine what makes me a writer. Please pick apart every single line and clause, telling me what I did wrong until I cry tears of agony. Yes. Dedication. A good fraction of my pieces are gay and well-written, so if that doesn’t tell you this portfolio is an absolute Snacc, I don’t know what will.”

**Dick:** I love it

**Zatanna:** i want that intro tattooed on my forehead

**Roy:** _Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique—_

**Raquel:** Idk man, I still think I can do better

**Raquel:** Okay how about this one:

**Raquel:** “Welcome goblins, skeletons, and undead pals. Come forth and take a gander at my writing portfolio, filled to the tippy top with pages upon pages encasing the inner workings of my mind. Every time someone reads a work of mine and cries hopeless tears, a soldier dies. We’ve got bad poetry, teenage angst, and cat food galore, so if that’s your kink then step into my office and prepare to earn your happiness here.” 

**Dick:** Raq I would die for you 

**Zatanna:** i am crying actual tears right now holy shit

**Raquel:** Thanks, I think I’m gonna call the portfolio The Diary Of A Useless Gay Hoe

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Blondie **

**Friday, June 7  
** **11:11 EST**

 

**Wally:** 11:11 make a wish ;)

**Blondie:** I wish I had a cookie

**Wally:** lmao 

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Baywatch**

**Friday, June 7  
** **11:42 EST**

 

**Artemis:** Did you seriously leave a cookie in my locker?

**Baywatch:** oh look, suddenly I must go— 

**Artemis:** Dork

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Blondie**

**Friday, June 7  
** **12:02 EST**

 

**Wally:** finish this sentence

**Wally:** wake me up…

**Blondie:** Before you go go

**Wally:** :D

**Wally:** you complete me

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Blondie**

**Friday, June 7  
** **12:23 EST**

 

**Wally:** hey, what color are your eyes?

**Blondie:** Why do you need to know?

**Wally:** trying to figure out what color corsage to get you for prom

**Wally:** and see, I already know that your eyes are a light gray with flecks of blue and white in them and that they shine brighter than the night sky, but I figured it would be much less creepy to ask first 

**Blondie:** Kid Stalker, you are truly one of a kind 

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Friday, June 7  
** **12:59 EST**

 

**Kaldur:** For those of you unaware, today will be our last GSA meeting of the year. This is your reminder to be as gay as possible during the summer to make up for the deficiency, and also if you happen to have anything stashed away in that room, please clear it out or risk it being thrown out by the custodial staff. I am looking at you, Wally.

**Wally:** hey now, anyone who touches my used left sock collection is gonna get a chair to the face

**Megan:** Thanks for the reminder, Kaldur!

**Megan:** I’m sad though, I’m going to miss GSA :( It was like our home

**Roy:** Fuck you guys, you don’t have to graduate in a few weeks. 

**Conner:** shouldnt this message be extended to the freshmen too?

**Kaldur:** Oh yeah. 

**Kaldur:** I keep forgetting they exist. 

**Dick:** OOH OOH OOH!!! Can I make the announcement Kallie?? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease please please can I can I can I can I ca

**Kaldur:** Fine. 

**Dick:** YES

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Young Just Us**

**Friday, June 7  
** **13:08 EST**

 

**Dick:** Last day of GSA, bitches, so clear the heck out of that place like the rats did in that one scene of rattatouille when the old lady shoots their nest with a fucking shotgun and they have to vacate the premises because real estate in France is fickle as hell and then Remy ends up alone in the sewer like we all shall one day when our journeys reach their end and the apocalypse hits and all that is left of society in the aftermath is an empty husk of a planet left for the robot overlords to scavenge and collect the remnants of the once great and thriving human race 

**Traci:** …..

**La’gann:** what the fucking fuck does this say

**Dick:** Y’ALL GETTING KICKED OUT FOLKS, GET YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER 

 

* * *

 

**Megan > Conner <3**

**Saturday, June 8  
** **15:07 EST**

 

**Megan:** I’m so excited for prom tonight!!!

**Conner <3: ** <3<3<3

 

* * *

 

**Kaldur > Roy **

**Saturday, June 8  
** **18:32 EST**

 

**Kaldur:** Why is there a limo outside my house?

**Roy:** Perks of being the son of a rich dude. We’re going to prom in Style™ tonight. 

**Kaldur:** What, was the horse and carriage unavailable?

**Roy:** You joke, but there actually are horse stables at Ollie’s place. 

**Kaldur:** Of course there are.

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Baywatch**

**Saturday, June 8  
** **18:41 EST**

 

**Artemis:** [image sent]

**Artemis:** I think this is the first time I’ve worn a dress in like, five years

**Artemis:** …

**Artemis:** Wally? You there?

**Baywatch:** sorry yeah, I just

**Baywatch:** I think my brain just melted out of my ears

**Artemis:** I hope that’s a compliment

**Baywatch:** trust me, it’s definitely a compliment 

**Baywatch:** I’ll be there in ten

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Young Just Us**

**Saturday, June 8  
** **22:16 EST**

 

**Bart:** hey if I ate a scented candle, would I die? 

**Cassie:** Why would you eat a candle?

**Bart:** it looks all gummy and waxy like candy 

**Bart:** wanna eat it

**Jaime:** Please don’t eat it. 

**Bart:** wanna

**Jaime:** No.

**Bart:** wanna eat it

**Steph:** what flavor is it?

**Bart:** vanilla

**Steph:** don’t eat it

**Steph:** the only flavor worth eating is pineapple upside down cake

**Cassie:** Please don’t encourage him

**Bart:** in unrelated news, who wants to come to bath & body works with me for completely normal reasons

**Jaime:** Nobody.

**Steph:** me!

**Jaime:** Bart, we need to have a lesson on impulse control.

**Bart:** 1) bold of you to assume I have any

**Bart:** and 2) wally’s usually mine, but he’s at prom with his girlfriend so there’s nothing to stop me from being awesome tonight

**Cassie:** You mean stupid

**Bart:** I mean totally cool and unique with a sprinkle of unpredictability

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Saturday, June 8  
** **22:38 EST**

 

**Megan:** Prom pictures!!!!

**Megan:** [image sent]

**Megan:** [image sent]

**Megan:** [image sent]

**Megan:** [image sent]

**Megan:** [image sent]

**Megan:** In that last one you can even see Kaldur and Wally twerking in the background 

**Zatanna:** fun!

**Zatanna:** what’s everyone doing now?

**Megan:** Right now Conner and I are at the beach and it’s so nice here I love it 

**Megan:** Roy and Kal are at the aquarium, and Raquel went cryptid hunting. Wally and Artemis left a little before the end so idk what they’re doing now

**Zatanna:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

* * *

 

**Raquel > Kaldur**

**Saturday, June 8  
** **23:57 EST**

 

**Raquel:** Where’d you guys go? I thought we were going to meet up at the world’s largest vacuum cleaner emporium at 11:30

**Kaldur:** Oh sorry, Roy and I made a pit stop at Taco Bell and forgot to tell you. My bad. 

**Raquel:** Pick me up a dorito taco and all will be forgiven

**Kaldur:** Already bought five.

**Raquel:** !!!

**Raquel:** This is why we’re friends 

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Blondie **

**Sunday, June 9  
** **03:12 EST**

 

**Wally:** question 20:

**Wally:** did you really mean it? 

**Blondie:** Did I mean what? 

**Wally:** what you said earlier 

**Wally:** before we kissed, you said you loved me 

**Wally:** did you mean it?

**Blondie:**  Yeah

**Blondie:** I meant it

**Wally:** cool

**Wally:** just checking

**Blondie:** Did you mean it when you said it back?

**Wally:** I did

**Blondie:** Okay 

**Wally:** okay 

**Blondie:** Okay 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one chapter left, guys!!!! I am so happy with the way this fic turned out, and I'm so grateful for everyone who stuck around with me this long. The 26th and final chapter will hopefully be up later this week, so stay tuned! <3


	26. The Last Day of School

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, fellas!! At long-last, the end of this wild ride has finally arrived!! It is such a relief to be able to close the book on this one, and I'm looking forward to getting started on some new projects. That being said, I had a ton of fun writing this chapter, so I hope you like it! <3

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Monday, June 10  
** **11:34 EST**

 

 **Conner:** [image sent]

 **Conner:** [image sent]

 **Conner:** [image sent]

 **Conner:** [image sent]

 **Wally:** hey kon? why are you sending us pictures of random stuff

 **Wally:** two of those were just bowls of dog food

 **Conner:** [image sent]

 **Wally:** pretty sure that last one was a brick wall

 **Conner:** this is actually zatanna btw

 **Dick:** *gasp* Identity theft!!!

 **Conner:** connie over here let me borrow his phone to play scrabble, but i got distracted so now i’m looking through all his photos

 **Conner:** he’s got such weird stuff on here?

 **Conner:** [image sent]

 **Conner:** look it’s a carton of dented chocolate milk

 **Roy:** Please tell me this is all for some hipster aesthetic thing.

 **Conner:** nope

 **Conner:** he said he just likes them

 **Conner:** there are like fifty blurry pictures of his hands and eyes and stuff

 **Conner:** ooh look it’s megan

 **Conner:** [image sent]

 **Conner:** she’s so perdy

 **Conner:** there’s actually a ton of pictures of megs on here?

 **Conner:** like, they’re the only pics that look like they were taken with any care at all

 **Wally:** now that’s just cute

 **Megan:** (ꈍ ᴗ ꈍ✿)

 **Conner:** HE’S GOT LIZARDS

 **Conner:** [image sent]

 **Conner:** [image sent]

 **Conner:** [image sent]

 **Conner:** literally just a handful of lizards what even

 **Zatanna:** i like them

 **Zatanna:** theyre friends

 **Roy:** Conner you’re the purest kind of weirdo.

 **Zatanna:** thanks

 **Wally:** never before have I bee so grateful for the man’s subtle strangeness

 **Wally:** *been

 **Artemis:** Bee

 **Wally:** sHhhHhhh

 **Artemis:** Buzzzzz

 **Wally:** had it not been for the laws of this land I would have slaughtered you

 **Artemis:** Fine, then I’ll just pack up all my uwus and leave

 **Wally:** …….pwease don’t I liek u

 **Conner:** im actually going to vomit

 **Artemis:** Shut UP Zatananana!!!

 **Conner:** this is actually conner now, zee got bored and gave my phone back

 **Conner:** you guys are gross

 **Wally:** shut up we’re cute

 **Artemis:** YEAH

 **Dick:** Nope. Icky. Highkey regret setting you two up on your first date

 **Artemis:** Wait

 **Wally:** you did whAT

 **Dick:** Um

 **Dick:** Oh look, my helicopter is here I m ust g o

 

* * *

 

**Kaldur > Megan**

**Monday, June 10  
** **12:42 EST**

 

 **Kaldur:** What are you doing for the rest of the day?

 **Megan:** Uh. School?

 **Kaldur:** Well I have a proposal.

 **Kaldur:** Let’s skip the rest of the school day and go somewhere.

 **Megan:**!!!

 **Megan:** You want us to ditch class??

 **Kaldur:** Yes.

 **Megan:** But we’re the good ones! I’ve never even jaywalked before

 **Kaldur:** Exactly.

 **Kaldur:** Today is senior skip day. Roy is skipping school, but I chickened out because I did not want to get in trouble.

 **Kaldur:** However, I think it is about time you and I lived on the edge. We need to do something rebellious.

 **Megan:** Aren’t you the one who said yesterday that ditching class was for low-lifes?

 **Kaldur:** That was yesterday Kaldur. Today Kaldur is a far different man and he craves danger

 **Megan:** Oh my gosh, you didn’t even use punctuation at the end of that sentence. It’s like I don’t even KNOW you anymore

 **Kaldur:** Let’s go to the junkyard because my mother always warned me not to go there, so it is the perfect place to engage in bad behavior.  

 **Megan:** Can I ask my uncle for permission first?

 **Kaldur:** NO, WE ARE BEING REBELS MEGAN.

 **Megan:** :’(

 **Kaldur:** ……….Fine, you can ask your uncle.

 **Megan:** Yay!

 **Megan:** We should bring helmets too, just in case.

 **Kaldur:** Well of course, that is just basic safety knowledge. I am also bringing knee pads and elbow pads just in case.

 **Megan:** Smart

 **Megan:** I’ll search the junkyard up on Google Maps that way there’s no chance of us getting lost on the way there

 **Kaldur:** We are also stopping at the store for chocolate milks because it is good to be mindful of dehydration.

 **Megan:** Good idea, captain.

 **Megan:** We’re such bad kids

 **Kaldur:** The WORST kids.

 **Megan:** Yeah!

 **Kaldur:** Yeah!!!

 **Megan:** YEAH!!!

 **Kaldur:** Y E A H !!!!!

 

* * *

 

**Garfield > Megan!!!**

**Monday, June 10  
** **14:08 EST**

 

 **Garfield** Why is your friend Kaldur crying on the couch?

 **Megan!!!:** He got bitten by a mosquito five minutes after we got to the junkyard and freaked out

 **Garfield:** Wow

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Brad**

**Tuesday, June 11  
** **15:44 EST**

 

 **Crouton:** FINALLY finished my last final today, god I need a nap

 **Crouton:** I took that test while running on nothing but redbulls, baby aspirin, and tears

 **Wonder Bread:** Can’t relate. My tear ducts dried up in Vietnam

 **Crouton:** Ur like twelve

 **Wonder Bread:** Say that to my FACE BITCH

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Tuesday, June 11  
** **17:29 EST**

 

 **Raquel:** Alright, who wants to hear my list of things I will name my future child

 **Wally:** do tell

 **Raquel:** Their name options are including but not limited to:

 **Raquel:** Lil Bitch

 **Raquel:** Fork

 **Raquel:** Shoelace

 **Raquel:** Fish Stick

 **Raquel:** Pterodactyl

 **Raquel:** Burgermeister Meisterburger

 **Raquel:** Butter

 **Raquel:** Flour

 **Raquel:** Eggs

 **Raquel:** Preheat At 350 And Jab It With A Toothpick To See When It’s Done

 **Raquel:** and Raquel Junior

 **Wally:** those are all amazing names and I would be honored to know your future child because judging by those fine ass names they’re gonna be a radical lil dude

 **Raquel:** You’re damn right they are

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Young Just Us**

**Wednesday, June 12  
** **08:38 EST**

 

 **Cassie:** You know what I just realized?

 **La’gaan:** that the reason olive oil was so popular in greece was because they were all super gay????

 **Cassie:** No?

 **Cassie:** Though that is actually fascinating and I applaud those queer Greeks

 **Cassie:** I just realized that when all of the upperclassmen graduate, WE will be in charge of the GSA

 **Bart:** aren’t there a bunch of them who will still be here next year?

 **Cassie:** Well yeah, but they can’t stay forever

 **Cassie:** One day,

 **Cassie:** In the very near-ish future,

 **Cassie:** We shall rise up and become the gay overlords that club deserves

 **Steph:** our reign shall be legendary

 **Cassie:** First order of action: more glitter

 **Cassie:** There was not nearly enough this year

 **Jaime:** Also matching t-shirts. Preferably rainbow ones with Elton John’s face on them.

 **Steph:** and a club handshake that involves doing the chicken dance extremely slowly while making eye contact

 **Bart:** not to mention cupcakes

 **Bart:** lots and lots of cupcakes

 **Traci:** I propose we do volunteer work that involves building an amusement park

 **Traci:** Which we will be the first ones to use of course, and have year-round free passes for since we were so generous building it

 **Tim:** mǎkə thė clűb mēĕtīngš tăkę plācė ĭn thě bŏĩlęr rōőm thąt wąy thễ ghỗsts ắrề ỉnvìtểd

 **La’gaan:** pugs

 **Cassie:** What about them?

 **La’gaan:** idk

 **La’gaan:** i just want one

 **Traci:** This club is going to be in such good hands with us running it

 **Traci:** We are the future!

 **Bart:** damn straight

 **Jaime:** You mean damn gay.

 **Steph:** u mean damn gay

 **Cassie:** You mean damn gay

 **La’gaan:** you mean damn gay

 **Bart:** sigh

 

* * *

 

**Dick > Wallman**

**Friday, June 14  
** **05:14 EST**

 

 **Dick:** So. The second to last day of school is on Monday

 **Wallman:** yes it is

 **Dick:** In honor of the inspiring acts of vandalism we have imparted on those hallowed halls, I think it is only right that we give it a proper sendoff before summer starts

 **Wallman:** I’m not following

 **Dick:** What do you say to one last great Dick & Wally trademarked prank?

 **Wallman:** oh hell yeah

 

* * *

 

**Kaldur > Roy**

**Friday, June 14  
** **11:12 EST**

 

 **Kaldur:** We have not discussed your college plans, you know.

 **Roy:** We haven’t? I could have sworn we’ve talked about this before.

 **Kaldur:** A month ago you said, “Star University has an archery range. That’s pretty fucking cool,” and then you never spoke of it again.

 **Roy:** Oh yeah.

 **Roy:** Well...the archery range there _is_ pretty fucking cool.

 **Kaldur:** Are you planning on attending in the fall?

 **Roy:** I mean. I’ve been thinking about it, I’ll tell you that.

 **Kaldur:** Oh.

 **Roy:** Oh what?

 **Kaldur:** Nothing.

 **Kaldur:** It’s just...Star University is all the way across the country. A flight there alone would be five hours. Nine times that long if you were driving.

 **Roy:** Well sure, but don’t you worry your little tush Kaldur, because I have a plan.

 **Kaldur:** A plan?

 **Roy:** Queen Consolidated has its HQ in Star City, which means Oliver is there practically every other week. I figure if I complain enough, I can get him to let me tag along on his flights back, that way I can come here every few weekends to see you.

 **Kaldur:** Wait, you mean you’re not planning on breaking up with me?

 **Roy:** No?

 **Roy:** Why, are you planning on breaking up with me?

 **Kaldur:** No.

 **Roy:** Then I guess you have your answer. Sorry, looks like I’m sticking to ya like glue. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Kaldur:** So this isn’t goodbye.

 **Roy:** Well duh, of course it isn’t. What, you think I would ever give up the only person in the world who’s willing to watch all seven seasons of Pretty Little Liars with me?

 **Roy:** Sorry to break it to you Kaldur, but people like you don’t come around every day.

 **Roy:** And yes, I am fully aware of how soft and mushy that was.

 **Kaldur:** I really love you, you know that?

 **Roy:** Right back at you. ;)

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Saturday, June 15  
** **15:20 EST**

 

 **Zatanna:** what are everyone’s plans after high school?

 **Zatanna:** because personally, i plan on being the new carbonaro-style magician

 **Artemis:** Isn’t that a sauce?

 **Kaldur:** That’s carbonara.

 **Artemis:** Isn’t that the stuff that’s in soda?

 **Kaldur:** That’s carbonation.

 **Artemis:** Isn’t that poisonous?

 **Kaldur:** That’s carbon monoxide.

 **Raquel:** I don’t know about you all, but after high school I am gonna Get Rich Quick

 **Megan:** I want to be a guidance counselor!

 **Wally:** csi forensic scientist

 **Conner:** mechanic

 **Dick:** Stripper

 **Zatanna:** i’m sorry what was that last one

 **Artemis:** Uhhhhhh

 **Megan:** Really, Dick?

 **Dick:** Really

 **Dick:** Or a cop I guess

 **Kaldur:** Why are _those_ your two options?

 **Dick:** Because either way I get to be called Officer Dick, and that is the true goal

 **Zatanna:** djsdlldldkadjd

 **Artemis:** Absolutely inspiring

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Spill The Tea Sis**

**Sunday, June 16  
** **16:54 EST**

 

 **Chamomile:** who wants to come over my house and burn stuff

 **Hot Chocolate:** Come again?

 **Chamomile:** my dad bought a new fire pit and i wanna burn stuff

 **Chamomile:** old schoolwork, textbooks, etc

 **Chamomile:** u gals in?

 **Lemonade:** Is it safe?

 **Chamomile:** probably not, no

 **One Black Coffee:** Then I’m definitely in

 **One Black Coffee:** I’ve been waiting since September to set this physics textbook aflame

 **Hot Chocolate:** We should bring marshmallows too and make s’mores

 **Chamomile:** my dearest rocky, that is the smartest thing u ever said let’s do it

 

* * *

 

**Wally > Dicktionary **

**Sunday, June 16  
** **19:08 EST**

 

 **Wally:** I’ve already bought the hoodies and scladmred eggs, did you go to the pet store like you were supposed to?

 **Dicktionary:** Did you really just scramble the letters in the word “scrambled”?

 **Wally:** absolutely I did, I’m not a peasant

 **Dicktionary:** and the apprentice surpasses the master

 **Wally:** pet store?

 **Dicktionary:** Oh yeah

 **Dicktionary:** Items acquired and waiting in my room for transport

 **Dicktionary:** Items are also very fluffy by the way

 **Dicktionary:** I’ve cried, like, twice already

 **Wally:** this is going to be the greatest prank in the history of pranks

 **Dicktionary:** Feeling the aster already

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Monday, June 17  
** **07:31 EST**

 

 **Artemis:** You guys are idiots

 **Conner:** who?

 **Dick:** You’re just jealous you didn’t come up with the idea sooner

 **Conner:** what?

 **Artemis:** A teacher is going to throw your ass in detention when they find out

 **Conner:** you all really love to make me wait dont you

 **Wally:** dick and I brought ferrets to school

 **Zatanna:** u did WHAT

 **Zatanna:** lemme see lemme see!!!

 **Dick:** [image sent]

 **Dick:** See we bought the extra large hoodies that way we can hide them in the pockets

 **Roy:** I hate to agree with Artemis, but seriously. You both are idiots.

 **Dick:** Not when we wear sunglasses that way when someone questions our furry friends we can say they’re our seeing eye ferrets

 **Wally:** I’m keeping mine

 **Wally:** gonna name him wally #2

 **Roy:** I thought I was supposed to be Wally #2.

 **Dick:** No, you’re Backup Wally

 **Dick:** Totally different

 **Wally:**???

 **Dick:** You know, for when you die and I need to replace you with another trusty redhead

 **Wally:** _?????_

 **Wally:** I think I’m offended

 **Dick:** Trust me, it’s a compliment

 **Wally:** what happens when roy dies then?

 **Dick:** I’ll make a clone of him, duh

 **Wally:** then why didn’t you just clone me?

 **Dick:** Cuz you’re dead

 **Roy:** So will I be, though.

 **Roy:** There are quite a few flaws in your plan.

 **Dick:** STOP NITPICKING, YOU GUYS ARE DEAD AND DEAD DUDES DON’T TALK

 **Wally:** I vote we replace dick with a new one, all in favor say aye

 **Roy:** Aye.

 **Conner:** aye

 **Artemis:** Aye

 **Zatanna:** can i be the new dick?

 **Wally:** hmmm

 **Wally:** prove to me that you’re worthy of inheriting the mantle

 **Zatanna:**...

 **Zatanna:** feeling whelmed in this chili’s

 **Roy:** You’re hired.

 **Zatanna:** :D

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Tuesday, June 18  
** **06:30 EST**

 

 **Wally:** a moment of silence for the fact that this is the last time we’ll all have to wake up at heck o’clock for the next three months

 **Artemis:** To tell you the truth, I don’t mind waking up early

 **Dick:** Me neither

 **Dick:** It’s like the witching hour but with sunrise

 **Wally:** sorry, I forgot you two are weird and don’t need sleep like normal humans

 **Dick:** How dare you assume I am anything but a vampire pretending to be mortal

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Brad**

**Tuesday, June 18  
** **10:02 EST**

 

 **Rye Bread:** Who wants to have lunch in the school basement with me instead of eating in the cafeteria like a normal boring person?

 **Wonder Bread:** Will there be ghosts there?

 **Rye Bread:** Of course.

 **Wonder Bread:** I shall gather the troops

 

* * *

 

**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad**

**Tuesday, June 18  
** **11:56 EST**

 

 **Megan:** I have a question

 **Artemis:** Shoot

 **Megan:** We’re all going to stay friends over the summer, right?

 **Dick:** Well yeah, of course we are. Why wouldn’t we?

 **Megan:** I don’t know

 **Megan:** This chat was originally just supposed to be a place for Kaldur to bore us all with GSA-related stuff

 **Kaldur:** I resent that.

 **Megan:** And gay club was the thing that was holding us together this whole time

 **Megan:** I wasn’t sure if we would all keep in touch even though there’s no school until September

 **Zatanna:** well duh, who else am i going to send zesty memes to every day?

 **Raquel:** We’re your friends, Megan

 **Raquel:** That’s not going to change just because we’re not forced to attend the same classes anymore

 **Wally:** yeah, and it’s not like gsa was the only thing that kept us together

 **Wally:** I mean sure that’s how it started, but it’s not like we’re going to drop you just because we don’t gather for weekly meetings anymore

 **Wally:** like raquel said, we’re friends. and we’ll stay friends no matter what

 **Conner:** its like the breakfast club. just because detention ends doesnt mean the friendships do

 **Roy:** Actually I think they all part ways forever at the end of that movie.

 **Conner:** im

 **Conner:** im sorry what

 **Megan:** D:

 **Dick:** Godammit Roy

 **Roy:** I mean.

 **Roy:** Yeah, they totally all stay friends forever at the end!

 **Wally:** smooth

 **Artemis:** To fix what Roy so un-gracefully tried to say, we’re all staying friends because fuck the universe. I like you guys and that’s not changing anytime soon

 **Kaldur:** Exactly. It doesn’t matter if the school year ends or not. Nothing has to change if we don’t want it to.

 **Megan:** That’s a relief

 **Megan:** I love all of you a lot, and I wouldn’t want that to ever change

 **Zatanna:** aww <3

 **Dick:** Sorry to join in on the emotions-fest, but honestly? I love you guys too

 **Dick:** So I don’t plan to lose any of you without a fight

 **Dick:** If that means breaking into your homes in the middle of the night and tying you up in a burlap sack after which you will then be taken to a secondary location where I will have already set up a game of Mega Battleship, then so be it

 **Megan:** Somehow that is the most reassuring thing you’ve ever said to me

 **Megan:** Sorry for getting so sappy, I’ve just never had real friends like this before

 **Megan:** It’s really nice

 **Zatanna:** roy is crying now in case anyone was interested

 **Roy:** NO I’M N OT.

 **Raquel:** Awwwww Roy, don’t tell me you actually have feelings?

 **Roy:** NO I DONT. THERES JUST S OME DIRT IN MY EY ES.

 **Dick:** I’m crying too now tbh, fuck you guys you made me all emotional

 **Artemis:** THIS IS ALL YUOR FAULT MEGAN YOU GAVE US FEELINSG

 **Megan:** I’m sorry, I just love you all so much and I can’t wait to keep being friends with you forever

 **Wally:** MAKE IT STOP, MY GAY HEART CANT TAKE IT

 **Zatanna:** :’’’(

 **Conner:** damn it now i need a hug

 **Wally:** SEE WHAT YOUVE DONE??? YOU BROK E CONNER

 **Kaldur:** If this is the reaction we get when the school year ends, I can’t imagine what it is going to be like when we all graduate.

 **Dick:** YOU SHUT THE _FUCK UP_ KALDUR

 **Zatanna:** ah damn it, roy’s crying again

 **Roy:** NO I AM N _O_ _T_

 

* * *

 

**Artemis > Baywatch**

**Tuesday, June 18  
** **13:35 EST**

 

 **Artemis:** Hey sorry, I got held up trading my pen to some kid for a bag of gummy worms

 **Artemis:** Where are you? I’ll come meet you

 **Baywatch:** by that one tree at the entrance with the bark face that looks like a mix between robert downey jr. and ghengis khan

 **Baywatch:** also I will sell you my eternal soul for some of those gummies :3

 **Artemis:** Well duh, why do you think I got them? The whole point was acquiring a new soul for the collection

 **Baywatch:** of course, how silly of me

 **Baywatch:** have you made any plans for the summer yet?

 **Artemis:** After today? Nope

 **Artemis:** Have you?

 **Baywatch:** nope

 **Artemis:** Really? How shocking

 **Artemis:** I guess you’ll have to come up with something to do all summer

 **Baywatch:** yeah, if only there was a snarky goddess who could keep me company over those long, grueling months

 **Artemis:** That sounds like an awfully unfortunate predicament

 **Baywatch:** it is

 **Baywatch:** unless of course, you wanted to volunteer by any chance

 **Artemis:** Well let’s see

 **Artemis:** Hmmmm

 **Artemis:** According to my calendar, all summer I’m booked to hang out with a Waluigi Weast

 **Artemis:** Can’t imagine who that could be

 **Baywatch:** it’s a mystery

 **Artemis:** I can see you, by the way

 **Artemis:** Stop doing finger guns you look like a weirdo

 **Baywatch:** I’ll stop doing finger guns when you stop flipping me off. there are children here

 **Baywatch:** you look pretty by the way

 **Artemis:** Shut up

 

* * *

 

“It’s true, you know.”

As Artemis approached, Wally pushed off the tree he was leaning against. He caught the bag of candy she tossed to him. “You saw me an hour ago,” she said.

“Yeah. One whole hour. I don’t know how I survived.” He crammed three gummy worms in his mouth, talking around them. “Did Megs say where to meet the others?”

“She told me they would catch us at the entrance of the school, so I'm sure they'll pull around in a sec.”

Wally handed the bag out to Artemis, who grabbed a handful. “How long do you think we have before they get here?”

“Knowing our friends? I’d say a good five minutes.”

“Wow, five whole minutes alone. If only there were _something_ for us to do in the meantime.” He waggled his eyebrows.

“Oh, I’m sure we’ll think of something.” She stepped closer.

“Yeah, like stamp-collecting. Or a refreshing game of tag. Maybe even do some taxes—”

Artemis snorted. “You’re such a dork.” Before Wally could offer a retort, Artemis had grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him in for a kiss. He startled at first, but soon sank into it and kissed back with zeal.

Artemis had to admit it. Of all the many, _many_ perks that came with dating Wally West, this was a pretty good one. Wally’s hands found her waist, and it seemed as though every time they did this he treated it like it were the first time. Artemis certainly wasn’t complaining.

“Wow, you guys are gross,” said a voice above them.

Scared shitless the pair sprang away from each other, Wally tripping over his own feet in the process and falling on his ass. Artemis looked up.

Up in the branches of the tree, Dick grinned down at her. “Hey, Arty.” He was sitting on one of the thicker branches, roughly five feet above their heads.

Artemis rolled her eyes, yanking Wally back up from where he fell in the dirt. “What are you doing up there, Grayson?”

Dick shrugged. “Hanging around.” When her glare didn’t let up, his eyes cut to the side. “I may have also hacked into your phones and saw that you were meeting up here.”

Wally brushed the dirt from his jeans. “Way to interrupt, dickhead.”

Dick adjusted his grip on the branch he was perched on. With what looked like minimal effort, he shifted until he was dangling with his hands wrapped around the branch, the tip of his sneaker brushing Artemis’ shoulder. She batted him away.

“We’d better get a move on,” Dick said as he swung back and forth, ever the acrobat. “We have to get to the carnival before the ticket lines get too long. Plus I want funnel cake, so that takes top priority.”

Wally perked up. “I second that.”

“I just got you candy,” Artemis reminded him.

“And I appreciate that. Which is why I’ll repay you with funnel cake.”

Artemis sighed. “Come on, Baywatch.” She grabbed his hand and started pulling him toward the parking lot.

Dick dropped down from the tree, sprinting to catch up with the couple. He threw his arms around them both. “Ooh, maybe the three of us can get a ride together on the Tunnel of Love.”

“Definitely not,” Wally said.

“Killjoy.”

As they got closer, Artemis spotted Conner’s familiar red pickup in the parking lot. Roy, Zatanna, and Raquel were already sitting in the bed of the truck, while poor Kaldur was crammed in the front seat between Megan and Conner.

At seeing Artemis and Wally’s joined hands, Zatanna whistled. “Lovebirds spotted, folks!”

Roy picked his head up. _“Finally,”_ he groaned. “Do you know how long we’ve been waiting for you three to show up? I only have a few days left until graduation, and you’re cutting into what little time I have left to be a mindless delinquent.”

Artemis flipped him off, making Dick cackle.

Raquel arched an eyebrow. “Do you seriously plan on turning into a responsible adult once you graduate?”

“No, but I can pretend that I do.”

Dick ran ahead and climbed effortlessly into the bed of the truck. “Quick, someone do the Titanic pose with me.”

Wally released Artemis’ hand and bounded forward. “On it, buddy!”

Artemis shook her head in amusement, watching her boyfriend try and fail to climb into the truck, eventually having to get a hand from the others who pulled him in. Artemis took her time walking over, but stopped when she realized her phone was still on in her hand.

It was opened to her and Wally's texts from earlier. As her eyes grazed over their conversation, Artemis couldn't help smiling to herself. To think that all those months ago, back in September when the school year was just beginning the next stage of its never-ending cycle, she and Wally had been little more than strangers. This group of now beloved friends had been a handful of scattered souls, and the Happy Harbor High School Gay/Straight Alliance had been just another pointless after-school activity.

To think that this year had led to all of  _this_ —to friendship, to love, to _joy_ —it had Artemis' chest throbbing pleasantly.

She was pulled from her thoughts when Conner honked the horn impatiently. “Come on, Artemis, it smells like fish in here!”

Kaldur frowned. “I told you, I had to come here straight from swim practice.”

All at once, half a dozen _"I can’t do anything straight"_ s chorused, making Kaldur drop his head into his hands. “Why do I even try?”

Megan patted his shoulder. “If it helps, I think you smell nice. Like an aquarium.” She reached over him and Conner, pounding on the horn with her fist. “Now come _on,_ Artemis! I want to ride a roller coaster!”

Artemis rolled her eyes, but there was no heat to it. “All right, all right, I’m coming!”

With a secret smile, Artemis turned her phone off and jogged over to join her friends.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it, my dear readers. Thanks so, so, SO much to everyone who commented and kept my inspiration for this fic going, I appreciate the hell out of you and you're amazing. And all of you who kept up with this fic and saw it to the end, I love you so much and I hope you enjoyed the ride! <3

**Author's Note:**

> [Feel free to mosey on down to my Tumblr!](http://sohotthateveryonedied.tumblr.com/)


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